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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to contact his mother

54 replies

HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:29

So I lent my "friend" some money as he was in deep trouble... you see where this is going don't you?
Iv known the guy for around 6 years and thought he was someone I could trust, he assured me he'd pay it back by the end of the week, this was a month ago.
The week after he should have paid me back I had some bills coming out and I told him that since I don't have an overdraft I would get hefty bank charges (£5 a day) so I really needed that money. He told me he would pay them, I wasn't happy but didn't really have another option.
Since then it's been lie after lie and telling me he'll have it by Monday then Friday then next week blah blah blah.
Yesterday pawned my engagement ring so I could pay the bank because the charges were getting ridiculous and I was worried ( I'm not actually engaged anymore but loved that ring and wanted to pass it onto my kids someday)
I looked on Facebook and saw that last week he went out clubbing, so I sent a message to his mum asking her to please talk to him and explaining the situation.

We're both fairly young (early 20's) so he's not like a 40 year old man and I'm running to tell his mummy but I know her, she's lovely and I think she would be upset at his behaviour. He had a ridiculously privileged start in life and they did not raise him like this. I think if it was my ds behaving like this I'd want to know so I could kick him in to shape but I'm maybe biased due to my situation.
WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:31

Sorry should have been WIBU to have contacted his mother
Also the last paragraph is a bit mish mash, apologies

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 10/02/2013 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 10/02/2013 09:32

Whether 20 or 40 he is still an adult so I think getting him mum involved was wrong in some ways but at the same time I can see why you did it.

Do you have any proof of how much he owes you? Could you threaten to go down the small claims route if he doesn't start paying back?

exoticfruits · 10/02/2013 09:35

If you really need the money I should just try all ways if you think it might work.

Pagwatch · 10/02/2013 09:37

I think needs must so do what you can to get it back.

But ffs don't lend money ever. It never ever ever ends well.

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:38

No proof other than me taking the money from my account and the bank charge occurring but I can't prove it was for him.
There's texts and stuff he's sent but I don't think any mention the amount.
Small claims would probably cost more than the money itself anyway.
I know a lot of stuff about him that could make his life miserable but I'm not that person and as angry as I am I don't want to go down the route of reporting him.
I know karma will get him but right now I just feel so angry, if he'd have told me sooner I could have sold something smaller to pay off the smaller bill but knowing he was just going to keep letting me rack up charges makes me sick, who does that?

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 09:39

He's an adult I'm afraid, YABU to be involving his mother.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, never lend money unless you can afford to lose it.

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:41

Pagwatch, I know I know. Honestly the worst thing is I have never lent anyone more than £20 before and at the time I had an uncomfortable feeling, why didn't I just trust myself ffs!
This is so far from "me" it's ridiculous but I was having a hard time with my own life, feeling pretty low and I feel like he exploited the fact I wanted to be a good person and milked the fact he might have had his head kicked in otherwise.
Grrr how do people like this live with themselves

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/02/2013 09:42

Sue him in the Small claims court.

WhateverTrevor · 10/02/2013 09:42

Bad news Harry , Karma doesn't exist same as fairies don't exist. You need to do everything you can to get the money back. Turn up at his house, his work , hassle him till you get it back.

pictish · 10/02/2013 09:42

Yanbu to be thoroughly and completely pissed off with him.
Ywbu to involve his mother. Sorry.

HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 09:44

"getting his head kicked in" would be a salient lesson in not borrowing money/racking up debts from shady characters. If his parents are that well off, his mother could have lent him the money - but reading between the lines, he needed it to pay his dealer?

SirBoobAlot · 10/02/2013 09:46

Honestly I'd have considered doing the same thing if it was someone I'd known that long, knew their mother, and they were acting like a twat about it.

Pagwatch · 10/02/2013 09:46

I know Harry. I'm sorry - I didn't mean it in a 'you daft cow' way but in a 'really really remember what this feels like' way.

We've all done it. I've done it.
I hope you get something back.

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:48

I'm not sure who it was to pay, he didnt say dealer, I wouldn't have lent it otherwise I don't agree with drugs.
He's dont know how deep he's involved and in what, he wasn't like this when I last knew him to see a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:51

Thanks pag, I know you didn't.
I know sir boob it's what makes it worse, his family are so nice.
I'd like to this If this was ever ds someone would tell me so I could string him up
Hopefully his mums reply will be nice and not wtf are you telling me for Grin
I'm a bit like a dog with a bone anyway so even now it's paid it'll be the principle of it all

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 10/02/2013 09:51

I understand why you did. Yes, it's his debt and nobody else's responsibility. But I do understand why you did.

To make you feel a bit better an to show that I honestly do understand where you're coming from and how you feel (because it's not just about the money, it's about a sense of betrayal) - many many years ago, someone owed us several thousand pounds. A cousin of my husband. He made a bit of a payment and then started with excuses. We were patient, said it was ok for him to just pay a hundred a month or whatever. He promised money would be in our account and it never was.

In the end, he changed his number and just dodged us.

after a year - may have been closer to two years, my husband contacted his brother and told him everything. His brother was disgusted and ashamed of him.

My husband also said to the brother that unless the money was repaid sharpish (by the guy who owed it), he would be phoning everyone in the family and telling them exactly what he'd done.

We got a phonecall that day and we got the money back on an agreed schedule.

I don't see why people should be protected from embarrassment if they choose to screw someone over. So although it's not his mother's responsibility, I would have contacted her anyway. And everyone else.

I fully expect to be told how revolting I am, but I must say save your breath folks cos I really don't care Grin Unless you've been owed thousands by someone who thinks it's ok to screw you over, you don't get a voice Wink Grin

HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 09:51

Well, if hes going to get his head kicked in because he owes money, he's either borrowing from loan sharks or hes getting his supply on account.

Frankly, I'd write this one off and not get any further involved. He sounds at best immature, and at worst, quite likely to bring trouble to you door.

lollilou · 10/02/2013 09:52

Deep trouble to paying back a dealer? Thats quite a jump isn't it?
Sorry to hear you've had this trouble Harry. I think you are in the right to go to his Mum as you know her and he has broken all promises to pay it back. Hope she sorts it out for you.
Next time though never lend money you can't afford to lose.

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:53

Holly I think his dad was his next port of call, he did say he was going to ask him. Why didn't I just let him do that! Argh I wasn't even drunk Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:55

Oh Hecate that's awful but I'm so glad you got it back. It gives me hope.
At least it wasn't thousands, well it wouldn't have been I don't have it Grin

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 10/02/2013 10:01

Me neither, nowadays. Grin

pluCaChange · 10/02/2013 10:03

I once lent money to a friend. We met through work at a very crap company, so when she was laid off she had no savings (plus, we had bonded, because of the fantastical dreadfulness if the company boss).

It was £400, from savings that I hadn't been able to add to for over a year, as I was earning so little. Yet she had no savings at that time, and she paid me back. From MN, it might seem that lending money is the worst thing you could ever do, but "enabling" the right person is a great thing to be able to do.

My friend's own conscience made her pay me back, but in your case, HarrytheHungryHippo, shaming him was a very good alternative, a kind of externalised conscience. The fact that he's 20something doesn't make it a worse idea to tell his mother and his friends and workmates; it makes it a better idea!

Greensleeves · 10/02/2013 10:09

Hecate - good on you. The slippery little bastard!

OP I don't think you have done anything wrong. Maybe his mother can talk some sense into him. Unlikely though Sad

pluCaChange · 10/02/2013 10:09

Oops! Lots of cross posts, notably with the thing about having his head kicked in! Shock. Do you think he was lying?

Hecate, I agree about public shaming! It's not revolting at all, just a matter of putting a mirror shield up against their behaviour.

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