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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to contact his mother

54 replies

HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 09:29

So I lent my "friend" some money as he was in deep trouble... you see where this is going don't you?
Iv known the guy for around 6 years and thought he was someone I could trust, he assured me he'd pay it back by the end of the week, this was a month ago.
The week after he should have paid me back I had some bills coming out and I told him that since I don't have an overdraft I would get hefty bank charges (£5 a day) so I really needed that money. He told me he would pay them, I wasn't happy but didn't really have another option.
Since then it's been lie after lie and telling me he'll have it by Monday then Friday then next week blah blah blah.
Yesterday pawned my engagement ring so I could pay the bank because the charges were getting ridiculous and I was worried ( I'm not actually engaged anymore but loved that ring and wanted to pass it onto my kids someday)
I looked on Facebook and saw that last week he went out clubbing, so I sent a message to his mum asking her to please talk to him and explaining the situation.

We're both fairly young (early 20's) so he's not like a 40 year old man and I'm running to tell his mummy but I know her, she's lovely and I think she would be upset at his behaviour. He had a ridiculously privileged start in life and they did not raise him like this. I think if it was my ds behaving like this I'd want to know so I could kick him in to shape but I'm maybe biased due to my situation.
WIBU?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 10/02/2013 10:10

lollilou I am no expert, but I think owing money to a dealer can constitute pretty deep shit

CloudsAndTrees · 10/02/2013 10:14

I don't think you did anything wrong y contacting his Mum,but I think it would have come across much better if you had actually spoken to her rather than sending her a message.

A spoken explanation would come across more easily as the truth, whereas a message could just be seen as malicious. As you know this woman, I'd give her a follow up phonecall.

Have you had any response from her, and do you know yet if he knows that you contacted his Mum?

HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 10:18

Ok - give me another scenario relating to deep shit/owing money/head kicked in.

I've just read the OP out and all three here immediately said 'drugs' and cant come up with another scenario. Gambling on account maybe. Little else that would involve a head kicking.

NotGeoffVader · 10/02/2013 10:20

If it's any consolation I lent someone several thousands about ten years ago. With every assurance that they would pay it back.

This is back in the day when I actually had money.

Needless to say, I never got it.

Lesson - never lend what you can't afford to write off :(

lollilou · 10/02/2013 10:22

Sorry I only read 'deep shit' not getting his head kicked in. If I owed rent and needed money or be evicted that would be 'deep shit' to me.

Uppermid · 10/02/2013 10:24

I once leant a boyfriend about £200 for a car, (this was a looooong time ago!)

He never paid it back. After we split, I saw him in town with his new girlfriend (although it was me that ended it, I was still upset), I went home, called his mum, (she adored me, was devastated when we split and gave him a right bollocking!) and sweetly asked if she could ask ex when he'd be ab,e to pay me back. She was mortified, I got my money back.

So no yanbu! He is being unreasonable by not paying you back. Use whatever means you can

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 10:35

Hey hey I never used the s word, I'm a lady of class don't you know....
Anyway the fucking bastard Grin if he's to be believed said he owed it to loans sharks. He a friend lend money to people and someone who owed him didn't have it so he couldn't pay back them or some similar bollocks.
Anyway my lesson has been well and truly learnt but I shall not give up. Hopefully I can come back one day and tell you I got it all back but don't hold your breaths eh
Cloud, I know where his mother lives but I don't have her number which is why I messaged her. My only other option was to go to the house and I didn't want them to think that I was showing up to guilt them into giving me the money. I was really apologetic about having to contact her in the message and I would hope she thought more of me than to think I would be making this up but then who knows I haven't seen her in a few years.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 10:37

So, he's borrowed from you, to pay off the loan sharks, becasue you are the soft option and a source of credit that isn't going to kick his head in. Got any big strapping fella friends?

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 10:44

Fraid not holly, only the ex but I I really don't dare tell him

OP posts:
Seabright · 10/02/2013 10:48

Small Claims Court is pretty cheap (about £30-40 I think) and is all done online. I think I would consider turning up at his mum's house, with the texts to show her.

Tabliope · 10/02/2013 10:51

Harry, I'd turn up at the mother's. I'd go under the pretense that you're really worried about him as he seems to have got himself into a lot of trouble. I'd say he'd mention stuff to you like deep shit and getting his head kicked in and you're worried he's got himself involved with a loan shark or something worse (maybe don't specify a dealer - she should be able to work that out). Say that you're sorry to bring it to her attention but when your once reliable friend has failed to pay you back the money you're owed you're starting to think the worse. I might even at that point lie and say he's always been good in paying you back little loans before which is why you trusted him but now he seems to be giving you a lot of excuses. Tell her then that it's reached crunch point - your concern for him and also it's put you in a financial mess. good luck

aldiwhore · 10/02/2013 10:57

YWBU to involve his mother, but sometimes being reasonable doesn't get you anywhere. I would have probably done the same if I was close to both friend and his mum... my brother is an adult, if it wasn't for his friends getting in touch with me or my parents he'd probably be dead now. Probably different circumstances from your situation, but I'm grateful to the friends who didn't lie to me.

Lending money is always risky business but like PluCaChange says it's often a gamble between making a real difference or watching someone suffer unnecessarily when you can really make a difference.

Hope you get your money back op

FiveGoMadInDorset · 10/02/2013 11:09

The cost of small claims depends on how much you need to claim, the initial bit may only cost such and such, but you have to pay something at each stage although you do reclaim it. For us to claim just under £2k it cost around £400 this included a payment to the court bailiffs.

Definitely go to his mother.

HollyBerryBush · 10/02/2013 11:10

You'd have to prove he borrowed it to go through the small claims court. No receipts? his word against yours

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 13:34

No holly no receipts, nothing like that. You don't think to ask these things when you count someone as a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 13:36

Eek she's seen my message, no word back yet. My heart is racing, why do I feel nervous iv done nothing wrong?

OP posts:
RobotLover68 · 10/02/2013 13:43

I really hope you get your money back OP - it's a hard lesson to learn, we all want to be nice people but unfortunately not everyone we meet in life is nice back

Yfronts · 10/02/2013 13:43

I learnt the same lesson with my ex. I was 18 and he was 20 - I lent him about 150. I went off to uni and he wouldn't return any money. My gentle Dad actually rang his parents in the end as I didn't know what else to do and Dad talked it through with his parents and they must have told their son off. In the end he gave me back 130.

Yfronts · 10/02/2013 13:45

In your shoes I'd text him and say that you will pop to his house next week to collect the money. then keep popping round every few days until he gives it back. It could get really embarrassing for them all. Every visit just say 'Is friend in? I've come to collect the 400 he owes me'

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2013 13:51

you can involve who you like if you think it will help you in your situation of him not paying money back to you that he owes.

Whether telling his mate his mum or his other relatives will help - who knows - possibly he has borrowed of others and not paid it back.

It will though be a warning to others that he would not pay money back when he has money to go out clubbing

Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 15:45

Y fronts he doesn't live at home. Iv popped round before, he ignored the door despite me letting 18 month old ds play with the doorbell- he must have had his head buried, it was a racket.
It's hassle for me to pop round because its out of my way really and then I feel annoyed that I'm wasting my time and petrol on top. Looks like I don't have much choice though

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 15:50

Just looked at my texts and the only one I have is one that says blah blah blah trying my hardest..., I don't know when I'll have the money but I promise as soon as I get any ill give it to you.
No mentions of amounts unfortunately
His mum hasn't replied, do you think this is a bad sign? I'm hoping she gone off to beat him rather than just ignoring me

OP posts:
kalidanger · 10/02/2013 16:30

My best friend had a lodger (a uni student) who never paid the rent on time, hid in his room (you'd really not know he was there...), stole food, alcohol and clothes. Irrelevantly to my friend he also got kicked off his course, but it ads to the picture. A real disaster area and most annoyingly of all my friend did not take my advice!

But in the end my friend wrote to his lodger's parents with an 'invoice'. They were so embarrassed they paid up and came to take the boy home.

I'd do it. I've seen it work. You'll feel like a bizarre shitbag but wtf else can you do?

kalidanger · 10/02/2013 16:32

Oh, x-posted. Yes, hope she's clipping his ear as we speak Grin

MadamFolly · 10/02/2013 16:56

Hopefully she is yelling at him as we speak.