To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

[DelphineD]

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

boney how do you know they aren't the norm? They are common enough though? I'm basing my assumptions on what men have told me that's all I can do.

It's a stag do!!! I wouldn't question my DH what happened and certainly wouldn't try to stop him going to one. Also why would women remove their wedding rings just to go on stage and join a male stripper? The stripper surely don't care if those women are married or not. It's a job for them that's all.if your other half wants to wonder off he will find the opportunity to do so.

I don't think you are bu and a would be mad he would even think of going.

Somehow the fact they are having girls at the apartment makes it seem even seedier. Grim.

Pictish what might help is to reverse this.

Imagine that we lived in a world where women had the majority of power. They got paid more than men, men could have babies and the expectation was that they would ditch their careers to be the SAHP, the mainly female government frequently legislated about their reproductive rights, in some countries they had their penises tampered with to ensure they didn't enjoy sex and remained faithful or virginal for women. Where the culture was that women had the right to sex however it was attained - by eroding consent or buying it from men, many of whom sold sex as a coerced choice. Where the majority of people buying sex were women and there were very few (in comparison terms) female prostitutes and of those, most were booked by lesbians or bisexual women.

In this imaginary society, would the scenario of a topless female waiter who wasn't going to sell sex to men who have no cultural expecation to buy it, be equivalent to a male stripper who often earns more by selling sex to women, who do?

God this thread has amazed me! To be called controlling and unreasonable for not wanting your dh to go and see strippers is completely ludicrous. I am shocked at how many women on here feel that this is acceptable behaviour from men and are seemingly quite happy for it to continue in their own relationships. I think that these woman are deluding themselves and normalising really dreadful male behaviour. And as for women who go and see male strippers - words actually fail me.

I would never, ever be with a man who felt that it was ok to go and see strippers- my husband feels the same way about the whole issue as I do and tbh he does not have the sort of friends who feel that this is acceptable either. I am disgusted at the amount of women who are happy to legitimise this behaviour in a 'lads will be lads' kind of way - wtf?

Yes for gods sake " it's a stag do!" They are only men they need to see naked women stag dis are where men can do and behave as they please regardless of whether they are married!!
Jeez is it just me?

It's not within your remit to say that your DP "can" or "can't" do something. if someone posted on here that their DH had told them they could not do something, he'd get called controlling and a bully. What you can do is explain your point of view and allow him to make an informed and balanced choice.

ledker

Do you believe that big fat gypsy wedding is the norm?
How many men do you know?
Do you assume that they speak for all men?

I have never been to a strip club or a lapdancing club, non of my male friends have.
I know more women that have been to see strippers than men, should I take this as the norm?

ledkr- what a ridiculous post. FFS - this thread is really depressing.

I wonder just how many women have stood making their vows of marriage in front of family and friends, with some of the groom's friends smirking at the "secrets" of the stag night and how they managed to pull the wool over her eyes so successfully, perhaps showing the pictures around later at the reception?

How many women start off their married life on a huge lie - utterly disrespected by the man who should respect her above all others?

There might be some women who aren't bothered by their partner having his cock sucked by a stripper at his stag do, 99.9% of women however would be extremely bothered by it.

Even if a stag night only includes a standard lapdance for the stag, how is paying a young woman to take off her clothes and dance in a sexual way in front of you a celebration of your impending marriage?

It's utterly bizzare and I don't understand how it has been so completely normalised, so much so that practically everyone thinks that a stag night without strippers would be unthinkable and women are made to feel unreasonable for having very valid objections.
Look at a few wedding forums - it's a massive issue and women are made to feel like prudish killjoys for expressing concerns about it - they feel like they can't possibly object because "it's what men do", "boys will be boys" or anything else designed to make them STFU.

I've worked in several lap dancing bars, in my student days. There are plenty of women who go to the, with friends and partners. I'm sure some gentlemanly clubs may also be harbouring prostitutes, but to make that statement about all lap dancing bars is ludicrous.

What always pisses me off on these threads is that posters are told they are controlling and insecure just because they don't like it.

Pisses me off too ledkr. The OP doesn't like strippers and she doesn't like lying. Seems reasonable to me.

Well I've got a friend who is a doorman in one my ex bf and my bil told me their stories. Not loads no bit you base your assumptions on no evidence at all so mine is slightly better!!
Not quite sure how bfgw fits in though?
Many shit things aren't the norm it doesn't mean you can't base your opinions of something on the minority.

I can't be arsed reading the whole thread because the first page depressed me enough.

You are NOT controlling for expecting your DP not to pay to ogle possibly exploited women. You are NOT being unrealistic by expecting grown men to be able to have a night out without feeling the need to pay to see another woman's tits/fanny.

Some of the posters on here need to higher their fucking standards a bit IMO.

Op, YANBU. There will be posters on here who think they are the cool wife/girlfriend because they let their partners go to strip clubs. In reality, they are the ones that are insecure. They let their partners go and they act cool with it because they think that their DPs will leave them. So they go along with it. It's all very sad. Very sad and very depressing.

I'm sorry? Which post is ridiculous??

What pisses me off though in threads like these, is no one minding the OPs investigations and interrogation! And then saying what he cannot do! If my husband was like that with me, I would leave. That's why they are calling her controlling!

Erm.? I can't believe the first answeres. Of course YANBU. If it's a deal breaker for you, he needs to accept it and either do mot 'enjoy' strippers or 'enjoy' them and bd prepared to for the relatio ship to finish. How the fuck is it controllibg not wanting your DP to be around naked women working to titilate men around them?

It might help to actually read the thread Girloutnumbered. That is not what is being said, at all* .
Countrykitten, Ledkr was being sarcastic - again, read the damn thread.

Boney, my ( ex-forces) DH is almost 50 and has never seen a stripper, he says he only knows of perhaps half a dozen men out of the hundreds he has known who have gone to strip clubs, I think his experience is unusual though, there are definitely certain types of men for whom LDC's etc. are normal behaviour.
I work for a large computer company, the (male) sales team has just returned from a large trade fair in Germany and to meet the new German bosses - they were treated to a night in a VIP room in a strip club and given stripper "dollars" to pay the strippers with, they were told they had to pay for "extras" themselves, apparently two men spent in excess of £400, one is single but one is married and I would have previously said he was a decent man.

DP has been to lapdancing clubs very occasionally, usually on stag dos, for the reasons DontmindifIdo outlined. Don't have a problem with it, he doesn't seem massively enthused.

DP does have work friends who get up to remarkably seedy stuff, brothels etc, on their regular work trips, their wives don't have a clue. But that doesn't mean DP agrees with their choices or does it himself.

Could you just remind your DP you don't want him participating him in any stripper/lap dancing activity? I don't think you can ask him not to go to his own DB's stag night though. I would feel harsh doing that.

Country kitten? An apology would be nice and yay way to go to prove your point just slag off one post without reading the thread!!

I've read all of the thread and all of the over the top hysterical responses.

"It's not within your remit to say that your DP "can" or "can't" do something. if someone posted on here that their DH had told them they could not do something, he'd get called controlling and a bully"

I disagree.

If someone started an AIBU "DH says he will leave me if I go to a strip club on a hen weekend" I think there would be a resounding YABU given.

This sucks, big time.

Just another way of men getting one over on women, if you ask me. They've got this stitched up nicely haven't they, when women turn on one another on this issue and call the objecting woman insecure/controlling.

Nice one, patriarchy.

Girl and many, many other "cool" WAGS, I've got an idea :)

Next time your OH goes out on a "men's night", how about you and the other partners get a bunch of random blokes round your house, give them loads of alcohol and strip off for them? You could even encourage these blokes to stick their faces in your vulva and lick your tits. That'll be good fun, won't it. I'm sure your partners will understand.

:)

BLS - I have read the whole thread so no need for you to wade in FGS.

ledkr - yes,my apologies are due and I am genuinely sorry. I misunderstood what you had posted. This is a topic that has really shocked me with its responses from women and I started seeing red -turned in to a bit of a keyboard warrior there for a sec!

Sorry again.

Erm, my DH doesn't go on 'men's nights!' But the thought of it does make me chuckle.

I've just worked in lap dancing bars and see no problem with them. That's all.