To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

[DelphineD]

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Just ditch him. You'll end up paranoid and controlling if you stay with this bloke. There's no point debating who is right and who is wrong, you'll get lots of different answers but none of them will change how you feel. He's not the right bloke for you, you aren't married, so ditch him.

[Doingakatereddy]

I'm not surprised the OP's OH lied - All this hand wringing over some boobs seems way over the top to me.

The whole feminist argument over objectification of women is tiresome, there are plenty of other feminist issues to challenge.

But banning oh from going to his brothers stag - ridiculous. Adult relationships are not meant to be controlling. It's about a pair of tits FFS.

[TheFallenNinja]

I think I must be going to the wrong stag dos, the last few I've been on have been have been one night only and not a stripper or a lap dance in sight, one more memorable one had pie and peas organised to keep the less energetic lads going

Perhaps I'm getting a bit too old but this trend of 2-3 week long stag/hen do's seems a bit much.

Strippers in a club, ok, strippers coming to a private apartment, not ok.

[Trazzletoes]

I do think the lack of trust is the big problem here and I firmly believe that there is no point in having a relationship with someone if you can't trust them.

I'm not going to go in to the rights and wrongs of him lying to her before etc etc but the point remains the same: if the trust has gone, you are both better off out of it.

[HollyBerryBush]

Women are far worse than men at these sorts of things. Men like a pint and a sly oggle, women are right up their pick bananas out of pants with their teeth and rubbing baby oil all over. Far far worse.

I dont recall seeing a thread from the OP in the past, at this hen night she was at, decrying her female friends/collegues for having a wild night. tucked away at the back with the other married women my aarse!

[EuroShagmore]

I think you are being completely OTT. It's just some boobs and other body parts.

[seeker]

Mature adult human beings not go to strip clubs.

If you only form grown up relationships with adults this isn't an issue.
.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Why are you thinking he won't stay faithful if he goes to a strip club? If he's not going to be faithful he can do that on a night out, going to a strip club has nothing to do with it.

Why are you assuming he'll have a lap dance? My H has been to strip clubs on stag do's, got offered a dance and said no, he has better at home (ha). He's just not that bothered.

YABU to say you'll ban him, you can't. I can see why he didn't tell you, due to your reaction. My H told me everything that went on on his stag do (Amsterdam, a sex show), as he knew I'd be more bothered about him lying to me than anything.

I think lumping all strippers with prostitutes is a but much.

Let him go, trust him. But for gods sake, just talk to him rather than interrogate him. Stop saying he will 'face the music', he's not a child. And with that to come home to, no wonder he doesn't tell you things. Talk to him like an adult.

[DontmindifIdo]

thing is OP, if you think he'll cheat, then actually going to a lapdancing club is 'safer' than a normal club. a large number of pissed up blokes on a stag do in a lapdancing club will have a close eye kept on them, and wouldn't get away with touching a dancer. On the other hand, if he's in the mood to 'play away', a normal club with woman he could pull should he want too is much more of a likely situation.

Lapdancing clubs/strippers aren't nice - but a lot of men feel the same. DH has been to a few on either stag dos or rugby tours and has always been honest about it, but then again, there's not many clubs that you can garentee they will let 20+ drunken men all in at the same time. A lot of best men organising stag dos arrange going to lapdancing clubs because it's easy, no having to ensure you get there super early before anyone in the group is drunk to get in, no having to split up into smaller groups in the queue to increase the chances of everyone being allowed in by the bouncers (which also means it's harder for the person organising to make sure they've seen everyone get in), no scouting round a huge club trying to find everyone to get back home (particularly if an appartment is being rented, it's not like they are staying in a hotel where eveyrone's got their own keys, they do sort of have to round them all up and stay as a group in that situation).

DH arranged DBIL's stag do without a trip to a lapdancing club after SIL's request (and quite frankly, DH said he just finds them cringingly akward so was happy to miss that out - I believe him on that, he's a proper techy geek and finds unknown woman talking to him stressful enough without her having her baps out) but afterwards he said it was far more stressful and complex than previous stag dos he's helped organise when they did go to strip clubs. (although that could have been BIL's friends, they aren't the most 'self reliant' group of people I've ever met)

[DontmindifIdo]

oh and I know in some countries strippers and prostitutes are basically the same thing, that's not normally the case in the UK.

[seeker]

" Talk to him like an adult."

But he isn't an adult. If he was, he wouldn't want to go to a strip club!

[GirlOutNumbered]

We had nude butlers at my friends hen do. They just wore pinnies... It was brilliant. I don't see the difference between that and topless girls serving in an apartment.

[ledkr]

Op you are not needy and insecure you just don't like the idea of your dp leering over naked women he's paying to see with a baying mob of blokes . Mumsnet is divided massively on this subject with completely different views. The issue for me is not that it's cheating but that's it objectifys women which as a female and mother of two daughters concerns me.
I won't stop dh from doing anything but he knows I'd lose a bit of respect for him simply because he'd be doing it to go along with the crowd.
To those who say its harmless fun and not cheating, my mate used to be a bouncer at a lap dancing club and its not uncommon for the bones to pay for a hand job or to grope the worker. Is that ok? Cis it's not for me and I make no apology for that.
I think it's a shame that we just see this as tradition and normal stag do behaviour. There are many "traditional" things in our culture which would now be unacceptable.

[marriedinwhite]

I've been with my DP for 25 years OP. I am well aware that he has been to the odd strip club and a bit of burlesque in recent years. If I got uptight about it and told him I would split with him if a lap dancer lap danced he probably wouldn't tell the truth either. What's he supposed to say to a client taking him out and behaving in the immature way only 50 year olds can behave "ooh I can't do that, my wife wouldn't let me".

I've never seen a male stripper OP - have I missed much

[ledkr]

married no but he could say "no thanks I don't fancy it"
Men can enjoy themselves without sexual stimulation I presume.
What would he say if a client offered him a line of coke or wanted to visit a brothel?

[marriedinwhite]

I don't think they would somehow ledkr and he would say no.

I think he does fancy it though; and I don't have a problem with that and just call him a middle aged dirty minded git when he gets in.

[seeker]

"We had nude butlers at my friends hen do. They just wore pinnies... It was brilliant. I don't see the difference between that and topless girls serving in an apartment."

They are both distasteful. But if you really can't see that there is a difference, I could recommend some reading.........?

[ledkr]

Yes seeker I'm glad I've got company
married sorry to be annoying but my point is he is capable if saying no without looking like a hen pecked hubby.

[NannyPlumIsMyMum]

Yabvu and uptight to be honest.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Seeker

they are either both acceptable or neither are acceptable.

DelphineDSun 10-Feb-13 00:49:31

OP
"I have told the truth to him when I knew he would be upset (unreasonably in my opinion)."

I think that you should find someone that you actually care about.

[seeker]

"Seeker

they are either both acceptable or neither are acceptable"

They are both unacceptable. But they are by no means the same.

[SirBoobAlot]

A lap dance would be a deal breaker for me too, tbh, so I understand where you're coming from. Especially if he knows what your stand is against it.

However all you can do is remind him how you feel about it, and let him make his own decision. You can't tell him he isn't allowed to go because he is an adult.

I don't understand the need for naked people at any stag or hen do, ffs.

[Ashoething]

YANBU-and I am frankly astounded at some of the attitudes on this thread. It not controlling to not want your dh to get a hand job or what is esssentially a "dry ride" from a prostitute. Do none of you watch these programmes about groups of lads going on stag do's to prague and the like?-its vile.

But hey as long as your dh's think you are "cool" and not "controlling" eh?

[ShellyBoobs]

YABU.

You sound absolutely awful, OP.

You're proud of yourself for interrogating and questioning him? You're forcing him to hide things from you for fear of the appalling way you treat him. You're NOT his fucking parent!

If your DP had posted his side of this story here I would advise him to LTB.

[Ashoething]

"appalling way you treat him"-have I woken up in the 1950's here? It is not ok for a women OR man to tell their partner that NO they are not happy with some stranger waving their fanny/cock in their faces because thats "controlling"? FFS. Cop on to yourselves.