To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

[DelphineD]

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

Anyone groping anyone is not okay unless it's consenting and doesn't involve the exchange of money (which is where control and exploitation starts and desire - that of the sex worker - ends. Their desire at that point becomes irrelevant).

I'm not saying that women groping male performers is alright. But there is a difference due to the power imbalance in our society and the prevalence of sexual violence. Please see my post earlier:

But I agree with seeker in terms of the power imbalance. To clarify, we still live in a society where women are paid less, have fewer opportunities and run the risk of sexual violence far more than men. Sexual violence towards men is usually committed by other men. Groups of pissed men surrounding a naked woman is very, very different to pissed women surrounding a naked man.

What I meant by that is that groups of women usually do not rape men. Lone women do not usually rape men. I'm not saying it never happens but men raping women happens every day, all the time. So maybe that is why the security in strip clubs has to draw a line.

And I think seeker's experience is hugely relevant.

Depends on ones definition of sexual violence. If talking just about rape I'm in complete agreement with you Marilyn. If you're talking about sexual assault then the numbers would be very similar its just not reported by males.

I swear the following is true. When I worked at a "normal" nightclub I had my arse pinched mostly nightly and on several occassions women grabbed my cock to "see if i was in proportion" Now was the polices reaction to this; a) we will arrest her as we would a man, or b) a chuckle and "I should be so lucky!"

I dont think females are at any more risk than male strippers, and i think its wrong to suggest that a male would rape a female stripper if they could get away with it

of course it is wrong for anyone to touch, grab or feel you. This has happened to me many times on the train, while walking down the road all when I was younger, less confident and more vulnerable and their was also the physical threat I am only 5'2 a few experiences were quite frightening it's about power too

maybe read up on how many lap dancers and strippers have been assaulted while at work the numbers are high

it's the power balance of who is running the clubs and of those who go to the clubs, the power some feel over theses dancers that is so very different that makes women in this industry very vulnerable

That must have been gross for you delboy.

Do you still work in the sex industry? Is there anything about it that bothers you, or do you feel comfortable with it completely (genuine question)?

I'm not suggesting that every man who goes to a strip club would rape a woman. BUT as I say rape happens every day, mostly male to female. And if places like strip clubs, where men are paying to objectify women and get a sexual thrill, were to relax their policy, then more and more sexual violence would happen.

delboysfileofax taottaly agree the female strip clubs i have been to are far more professionally run with bouncers the time i worked in one i only say one groups of men get slung out and that was for being drunk and rowdy not touching the women

on the other hand i was surprised at the amount of touching and close bodly contact even kissing that gose on at a mle stripper show

Those who try to minimise women doing it just justfity wowmn trying to control men in this aspect

There basic point is women should be able to go to male stippers because its a laugh and men should keep it ziped but a man who attends a female strip show should draw up divorce papers [cofused]

to be me this is not about stripping its about us being grown adults and not having anyone telling you were you can and cant go there are lots of things that upset me but my husband is a grown adult and to be honest when somone stops doing somthing not because they want to because your emotioanly balckmailing them or forcing them thy just end up resenting you

Ejecting people from the strip club was actually quite rare (especially for touching, once a month at the very most) in all honesty there was many many more sexual assaults in Nightclubs by both sexes, its busier so they think they will get away with it. If anything in Strip clubs the customers are much more aware they are being watched and any stepping outside of the rules will be dealt with "firmly" Indeed in the clubs I have worked in they are even given the rules as they walk in.

MarilynValentine what are you seriously suggesting rale wouldnt hapoen if we didnt have strip clubs this reminds me of people who say if women cover up and wear a vail there would be no rape

In countires were there are virtually no strip clubs, prostituation would be met with stoneing or death is there is there still RAPE

Answers on a post card

Rape is not about sex or titulation Thats why 90 year old granny get raped

"There basic point is women should be able to go to male stippers because its a laugh and men should keep it ziped but a man who attends a female strip show should draw up divorce papers [cofused". You really are choosing to ignore all the posts saying that male or female strippers are unacceptable, aren't you? I wonder why?

delboysfileofax exactly i am more likey to be touched up at my local nite club whilest out with my mates by some drunk fool than at the stip club were i worked

Hve you ever seen ibza uncut were girls who can barly stand and getting felt up by some guy

No - I made dh come back early from works drinks to avoid the strip club - tbh he wouldn't had gone cos he knows how I feel abt them

seeker yes but the op is not saying that is she she has clearly said she has fone to a strip club but dose not want her oh going

Thats just mad

Sorry freudian meant to add in the last post that customers in strip clubs broadly fit into three categories;

The first Timers
These are guys coming in who have never been before. They sit there very scared have a beer and tend to leave quickly (usually 18-25 years old)

The Stag Nights/Parties
Mixed ages, usually pissed and are generally easier to handle than in a real club

Business Types
Now i tend to agree with you about power on these lot. They're fucking arseholes and think they're gods gift. Believe they can buy anything and anyone.

Don't be daft Domjolly, of course not! If you follow the argument back it is related to power imbalance/the difference between groups of men + female performer and groups of women + male performer.

Completely agree with you that rape is not about titillation.

daisydee43 yes you MADE him come home so what did ypu do threatn him or emotialy black mail him why not treat him like a grown up and let him choose were he wants to go himself

Personally i couldnt MAKE my oh come home from a work do hes grown and i personally would not break up my family leave my children with out a father because somone hired a stripper for a do

MarilynValentine yes so op is trying to exscrsie her power and BAN her husband form going out

Sorry but i just dont like spouces haveing powere and dominating and BANNING or MAKING others do things not the way i conduct my marriage but i guess if telling or making your husband do what there tokd works for you then hay ho

It's nowhere near as simple as that Domjolly - otherwise we wouldn't all still be debating it pages and pages in!

She felt uncomfortable with her H lying before, doesn't trust him in these scenarios, and doesn't want him going to another strip club. It's not just about her being a controlling loon. She has a point - the lying, the lads holidays away etc.

Marilyn, no I left the strip club and moved to a bigger nightclub. I still do doors but very much as and when now as I have a better job. Didnt leave because of the nature of the work, I dont really have a problem with it. Yes, it can be seedy but it is not as bad as some like to make out

Nothings going to happen!! Believe in him and let him go!

I'm glad posters are starting to address the wider problem of objectification and sexual assault. This isn't just about whether LDCs are nice places to work, or whether people working in the sex industry are exploited. It's much wider than that, though of course those are important issues. .

How many women on here have ever been assaulted? I have - I've had my breasts groped on several occasions, a guy walking up to me on a dance floor and ramming his hand between my legs, another guy punching me in the back of the head because I removed his hand from my arse, a colleague of my husband's stick his hand up my skirt and two men following me down a dark street telling me they were going to rape me (I ran and managed to escape them). And I bet most women have had similar experiences, if not worse.

Have a look at #everydaysexism on Twitter. It makes depressing reading. If anyone thinks this happens in a vacuum and the sex industry doesn't contribute to the objectification of women then they're frankly deluded.

I'm sure some men have been groped too, but not to anywhere near the same scale. None of the male friends I've discussed this with has been grabbed, although an ex of mine was groped in a toilet - by another man.

MarilynValentine sorry but i would only lie about my weareabouts if i was scared about what my partner would say belive it or not there are alot of men worn down by there wifes if i had not joined here i never would of belived it

My brothers one he lies about his were abouts sadly usually bevause he has to endure a 5 hour row about were he is and i have personally been there when hes had to lie about being here with her shouting down the phone i hope your not at your sister i told you to be home and i can pretty much put money on if he had told her before she just would of been able to put the ban in place sooner

He even has to lie about going to the shed tp watch cricket

Chairmanwow. Tat is astonishing! I am 37 years old and have NEVER been assaulted. I'm of course not saying that it doesn't happen, if course it does, but I can't believe the majority of women will have had experiences similar to that....

Chairmanwow- but how? how do strip clubs lead to you being assaulted on a dancefloor? An individual male did that to you, not spearmint rhino.

Haven't read the whole thread but I think if he'd be 100% happy for a DD of his to be a stripper then he should go.