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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

695 replies

DelphineD · 09/02/2013 23:10

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

OP posts:
delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:15

marilyn- did you read that she went and saw strippers herself? She has no right to be pissed off with him if he is going to do the same surely.

I would see her point about him going if she felt really strongly about it, but she clearly doesnt. it seems a case of do what i say, not what i do

FreudiansSlipper · 13/02/2013 14:16

so I feel It is very wrong for a man to pay a woman so he can get sexually aroused he can pay her for his own amusement

why is it wrong to say you do not want to be with a partner who would do that

HeyHoHereWeGo · 13/02/2013 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:17

Ok seeker in terms of STRIPPING. How is it different?

seeker · 13/02/2013 14:22

Sorry, delboy. RTFT. It's all there.

seeker · 13/02/2013 14:23

Making sure you don't miss the bits where those of us who are opposed to women stripping say that we're opposed to men doing it as well.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/02/2013 14:23

do women ask the men to come closer so they can smell them ask them to rub their cock in their face, tell them they are out of shape, getting tubby, need to wax, smell, how much they charge for cunnilingus and their friends would like it too and so on

Perriwinkle · 13/02/2013 14:25

I agree wtih you DomJolly.

As I said, if the OP's partner has decided to go to his brother's stag do knowing how she feels about strippers and the last do he went to then that should tell her all she needs to know.

The fact that she went to see a stripper herself makes her a massive hypocrite on two counts. The first being the fact that she even went in the first place and the second being that she thought it was axiomatic that her DP should trust her to behave impeccably there when she clearly isn't remotely capable of trusting him or willing to do so.

If she feels so strongly about this issue, and sees it as a deal breaker, she should end the relationship and put herself out of her misery. If she doesn't want to end the relationship then she should just let it drop, wish him a nice evening and move on.

It's my feeling that the OP is really very insecure in her relationship (hence her reference to her "scarily good investigation and interrogation") and that her DP has got the measure of her.

It doesn't seem like a particularly healthy relationship to me and I wonder how long it can last long term with all this paranoia and mistrust.

delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:29

No its not seeker. All thats in this thread is a load of half truths and deliberate misinformation. At every point the anti strip club campaign has deliberately equated strippers with prostitutes, and there has been a very good reason for this. Yes prostitutes may be vunerable and abused does not mean strippers are. But lets pretend they are, Surely if female strippers are then also the same goes for the males no?

VinegarTits · 13/02/2013 14:30

'essentially you don't trust dp.at all and trying to keep him on leash
you will have turbulent time in your relationship if you can't trust
this habitually setting ultimatums is no way to carry on,sort your relationship issues
'

i totally agree

MarilynValentine · 13/02/2013 14:33

Yes it muddies things that the OP sat through a performance with a male stripper. She has made her own stance slightly less tenable.

But I agree with seeker in terms of the power imbalance. To clarify, we still live in a society where women are paid less, have fewer opportunities and run the risk of sexual violence far more than men. Sexual violence towards men is usually committed by other men. Groups of pissed men surrounding a naked woman is very, very different to pissed women surrounding a naked man.

And I think that the OP has concerns because of the whole situation - lying, lads holidays, topless waitresses in the apartment - there is a culture here within the DH's group of friends, of using women who work in the sex industry, and he lied about it.

This isn't just one stag do, it goes further than that it seems.

seeker · 13/02/2013 14:33

Nope. Not posting it all again. There have not been half truths and deliberate misinformation. Well, at least not from the anti strip club side.

And if you have to ask why women stripping for men are more vulnerable than men stripping for women, and think that there is no difference between the two, you have obviously never been to see either event. And if you think that trafficked women never end up in strip clubs you are living in Cloud Cuckoo land.

Domjolly · 13/02/2013 14:34

FreudiansSlipper because the op went to see a stripper HERSELF but it just seems whats good for the goose is not good for the gander

May seemed to have skimmed over the bit were she paied some guy to swing his dick but are shock agaust and disgusted when a man pays for the smae double standrards much

Hhnsam · 13/02/2013 14:37

Personally it's each to their own, when I married my husband I made a vow to him that I would respect him and have eyes for him only, he is the same with me, some people find it offensive that their fella would be gawping over a cheap tart naked personally theirs worse things a man can do but if you tell your partner your not happy about it he should take it on board... Although if your happy to gawp at a male that is double standards! If my partner was in a flat with topless women I'd be mortified he'd been disrespectful to me but that's my standards and if he didn't like it he knows where door is!

FreudiansSlipper · 13/02/2013 14:38

has she said she would do it again? What she did was ok?

and really you can not see the difference between what she went to even though she has pointed it out they she was indeed hypocritical and private party with topless waitresses serving drinks Hmm

delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:38

Yes Marilyn, groups of pissed women surrounding male strippers leads to them all touching and groping, pissed men if they lay a finger on a stripper are out of there so fast their feet literally dont touch the ground. And again i state this from a lot of experience.

But because women are paid less and allegedly have less opportunities thats fine.

Just out of interest how many strip clubs have you been to of either variety?

seeker · 13/02/2013 14:42

"FreudiansSlipper because the op went to see a stripper HERSELF but it just seems whats good for the goose is not good for the gander

May seemed to have skimmed over the bit were she paied some guy to swing his dick but are shock agaust and disgusted when a man pays for the smae double standrards much"

You actually haven't RTfT have you? And you have not addressed the issue of the exploitation of women in ht sex industry, whether you care about the conditions they work in. Oh, and whether, if you have a daughter, you would be happy for her to be a stripper.

delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:42

You're right seeker, I only used to work at one full time for a couple of years and a club i worked at after had male strippers on every fri and sat night. I clearly dont know what I'm talking about. where are you getting your first hand experience?

FreudiansSlipper · 13/02/2013 14:43

I work with woman in the sex industry at the dv centre they run groups for these women

Also have a friend who is in a rather famous dancing stripping damcing group their experiences are very very different

MarilynValentine · 13/02/2013 14:45

I don't go to strip clubs. But our culture is saturated with that sort of imagery and information about what happens.

However you have first person experience so I will take your word for it re the differences between the two in that sense.

But surely you must recognise that the sex industry (and society as a whole) objectifies and abuses women far more than men? Your example doesn't change anything other than to underline that women pose far less threat to the performer.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/02/2013 14:47

Women who come into the centre too work mostly in London some in the so called sophisticated clubs where no prostitution goes onHmm it sounds like so much fun lord knows what they are so unhappy about

seeker · 13/02/2013 14:47

I was for a long time an HIV/AID counsellor. I had a lot of dealings with workers in the sex industry. Who were far more likely to open with me than with their employers. One of the reasons I feel so very strongly about this subject.

And?

delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:51

Fair point in your last paragraph marilyn. But I think that is also a problem, why is it seen that women groping a male is seen as just a laugh but men doing it to women is enough to get him a hiding?

delboysfileofax · 13/02/2013 14:53

seeker- and how many of them were strippers? NOT prostitutes? And the reason I ask is because if you have never been to one of these places how do you know how they operate?

FreudiansSlipper · 13/02/2013 14:54

who said it was a laugh

but I think the way women view male strippers is different that is what it is a laugh not a sexual kick