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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to think that the further you are from the world of work, the crazier being a working mum sounds?

999 replies

StripeyBear · 09/02/2013 15:06

I did it for 3 years - motherhood and a (part-time, but) demanding job... when you were always running from pillar to post, and buying take-away pizza, and feeling guilty because your child was crying when you left, and always being tired and hassled and answering your blackberry on your days "off" and being f**ked off because your job wasn't half as interesting as the work you used to get when you were childless and in the office full-time-plus....

Almost 2 years of being a SAHM later, my working-mother-friends come round for coffee on their day off and moan about all of the above.. It sounds familiar, but now even their moaning exhausts me. I'm more in a swapping recipes for lemon-drizzle-cake and making my own pizza dough sort of head space. These days I just potter around - my whole life has slowed down.....

Don't get me wrong - I realise I'm fortunate that we can manage without the wage (and not everyone can), but I find I am barely worse off (once the childcare is taken into account, and it is so much easier to spend money wisely, now that I don't have to buy crappy pizza because I am too exhausted to cook or book my holiday at the last minute because I wasn't organised earlier). And life feels so much better now that I'm not always exhausted... and I actually have time to do interesting stuff like read (grown-up) books... and there is no stress around childcare and the like....

So when my friends come round and moan about their blackberries ringing and being side-lined for promotions and feeling stressed about organising a child's birthday party when they have no time to really do it and so on.... instead of feeling oodles of sympathy... all I can think is... WHY? WHY? Why are you doing it then?

AIBU? I sort of suspect I might be Sad

OP posts:
HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 21:07

Ladies we've identified a gap in the market. By combining babies, booze and baking we've realised every woman's dream! If we can shoehorn shoes, handbags and kittens in there too we will have every single (and married) mummy clamouring to have her baby in Li'l Moonshine Day Orphanages (open 24/7/365).

Even the op would be tempted in with the fresh scent of lemon drizzle vodka!

BigAudioDynamite · 10/02/2013 21:08

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earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 21:10

As long as you open for next Friday, I'm in Grin

Sulawesi · 10/02/2013 21:11

Some of us SAHM's have a cracking sense of humour and can use our brains too you know. I didn't like Stripey's attitude much but some of the other WOHM posters have just been spiteful and catty. Why does it always end up like this?

Don't think anyone comes out of it looking great Confused

LadyWidmerpool · 10/02/2013 21:11
janey68 · 10/02/2013 21:12

Salutes big audiodynamite

PolkadotCircus · 10/02/2013 21:15

I think if you can strike a balance that is best.

I gave up my proper career to be a sahm,then I worked from home in a different line of work and now I'm a poor sahm with my career well and truly up the swaney feeling very trapped.

I wish I had gone part time and kept it going.Now they're all in school I'd have my career back,future security,confidence,more money etc,etc. I take my hat off to those that battle through working until they start school and truly belive if you can it is best for you as a woman.I think working mums have the last laugh in the end.

I think SAHMs have no idea how hard it us to get back in there when they're gone.Your confidence is shot to prices,you're out of touch with everything and you kind of feel life is passing you by.

I hate relying on dp for my future security it's pants.

However I think absolutely zilch is out there to support women to keep their careers going and childcare is simply not good enough.

There is a lot of neg research re nurseries(there is a comprehensive Guardian article that lists it all) and I think society ignores it because it is easier to.However who says babies/toddlers have to go to nursery? They don't there are other options but nothing is being done to expand other more preferable options.

LineRunner · 10/02/2013 21:15

Ah but the thing about having a cracking sense of humour, Sulawesi, is using it.

Xmasbaby11 · 10/02/2013 21:16

Sorry you had a bad experience of work and childcare, OP. It's good you're happy with your lot. Luckily there are still great, rewarding, flexible jobs. I have one of them, and my nursery is great too.

thefarmersintheden · 10/02/2013 21:18

I'm a SAHM and when she's with me my 2yr old most potters around with dollies and does a bit of play dough.

I'm sure they do more with her at pre schol than I do at home. I don't think her being at home with me is necessarily better than her being there.

HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 21:18

No worries earlier drop off as many dc as you like under the railway arches where one of our highly trained professionals will lead them along the train tracks to our main shack and outdoor play area with Thomas the rusty tetanus ridden Tank!

thefarmersintheden · 10/02/2013 21:19

Oh, I feed my kids ready made pizza too.

We're all happy enough though!

Sulawesi · 10/02/2013 21:22

Some posters are sneering though Linerunner not being humorous.

HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 21:22

It ends up like this because whatever you do, you get loads of people telling you you're doing it wrong and as it is so emotive posters get defensive. If we're taking the piss then we are at least trying to lighten things up. Op didn't have to post yet another sahm/wohm debate did she?

LineRunner · 10/02/2013 21:25

What Handbag said ^^ and that Catgirl, she's witty too. And Janey. And Spero. And earlier. And Pickled.

LineRunner · 10/02/2013 21:30

Oh and witty does not equal 'sneering spiteful catty'. Far from it. Catch yourself on.

StripeyBear · 10/02/2013 21:31

Catgirl They have 3 massive rooms, do reading, crafts, water, , baking, construction and messy play and go outside every day. in the huge garden which is crammed with outdoor play activities. They follow the EYFS curriculum. They have a rabbit and rear chickens from eggs and have a vegetable garden. There is a reading area, asensory area, a cosy area, a play area with toddler gym, toys, treasure baskets etc Plus they go on trips to the park etc. He's only 14 months but when they are in the next "class" they do dance classes, sport, drama, French, Aeorbics, softplay, football and ICT.
I'm not sure where you live or which nurseries you have been looking at.

Your nursery clearly satisfies you and that's the important thing. Haven't an awful lot of time for EYFS - but lets not go there.

I think all nurseries can trot out this list of splendid things they have - and parents are either impressed or not. They take the kids to the park... woo hooo..... a reading area - wow... bloody fantastic...

I like to think of it this way... little kids learn filling yoghurt pots with sand. You don't need fancy equipment - but they do need a lot of attention and care. So labour is the most important input.

So lets start with the staff. How much do you want to pay the person who looks after your child for the majority of her or his waking hours? I suppose it depends partly on the local labour market. I pay my cleaner £7.50 an hour... surely a bit more than that? £8 an hour is the going rate for a babysitter. Let pay our nursery worker £9. I hope that sounds fair - you wouldn't want to exploit another woman, I'm sure. So the local nursery has sessions that last 10 1/2 hours... if she is there all day that's £94.50 - then you need to pay Employer's Nics - that's another tenner, and don't forget she is entitled to holidays, and might get sick or pregnant herself - usually you add on another 15% for that.... So just for this staff member we're looking at about £120 a day.

The local nursery charges £43 a day, including a meal. Every worker can only look after 3 under 2s, and every 3 children bring in £129. So out of your remaining £9 you have to provide a building, pay rates, pay a manager, buy toys and supplies, provide a lunch..... can't be done. The nursery buiding alone must be worth close to a million?

It's a bit like that advert for the lager - y'know the one that is meant to be reassuringly expensive? Except it's not - it's scarily cheap - but they are still turning a profit - and they are doing it by cutting corners on the most important and most expensive aspect - the staff - the people who actually look after your child. If you go to my local nursery, it will be understaffed because it is too expensive to meet the minimum requirement, and the workers will earn the minimum wage, and they will come and go all the time, because it is a shit job.

I don't want looking after my daughter to be someeone else's shit job. Not when it is my dream job.

I understand the English gov is tabling proposals to the regulations where they will make it compulsory for nursery workers to have an O level in Maths and English - and everyone is up in arms. Your figures will be different to mine - but you can make similar calculations - go figure it out, because a sensory area is a cheap trick.

OP posts:
idshagphilspencer · 10/02/2013 21:36

You pay your cleaner that little.
:0

earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 21:37

You really really don't get it do you?

Sulawesi · 10/02/2013 21:37

I didn't say you were sneering Linerunner you may well be humorous but plenty of others have been catty - basically laughing at SAHM'S for being so air headed that all they want to do is bake cakes and swap recipes etc. I think it's such a bloody shame that we can't respect each others decisions and choices.

I do keep reminding myself that it is only on here though and that in RL it just isn't such a big deal what you do all day.

janey68 · 10/02/2013 21:38

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ChestyLeRoux · 10/02/2013 21:40

Stripeybear - Its not a shit job,its a brilliant job.

idshagphilspencer · 10/02/2013 21:41

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badinage · 10/02/2013 21:42

Still no answer from the OP to my question about if she thinks nurseries are so bad, why it's mothers and not fathers who have to stay at home and do the childcare?

No?

Just a Daily Fail dig at the number of furriners working in our nurseries and teaching our toddlers a different language?

Oh.

ChestyLeRoux · 10/02/2013 21:43

Stripeybear - how on earth is yoir local nursery running without the minimum required staff? You dont know much about nurseries