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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To say no to this request to bring a stranger to my DN's party tomorrow?

124 replies

WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 00:04

It is DN's birthday tomorrow, I have organised her party.
It's going to be quite big, 25 kids have RSVPed, plus there will be family.

SIL (my other brothers wife, not DN's parents) has just texted me with "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she is staying with us this weekend so I said she could come to the party"

I have never met or heard of this person before, but I feel as if it would be UR to say no.
The thing is I was with SIL last night and she never mentioned this friend visiting.

So WIBU to say actually SIL no it isn't ok to bring some random stranger to our neices birthday party.

OP posts:
StoicButStressed · 09/02/2013 01:25

'image in my head of a family like Spitting Images black and white John Major'

AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 01:35

You set up the scene very well Stoic Grin

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 02:12

The party is at a local children's centre. They have different 'zones' such as soft play, a kids town (with shops, cafes, garages, which are all imagine play and interactive) sports areas, and interactive educational areas.
It is very good there.

I have no worry about child safety or strangers being near DN or DS.
I simply think it is rude of SIL to invite someone who I have never even heard of to DN's party.
If it had been a friend of hers who I have previously met then it would be different.
It's also the fact that she asked at midnight the night before the party.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 02:21

Sorry I just re read my OP and realised that I copied the text message wrong.

It did not say "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she is staying with us this weekend so I said she could come to the party"

It actually said "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she wanted to visit me so I said she could come to the party"

Damn DP paraphrasing.

OP posts:
vivizone · 09/02/2013 02:58

What a non issue.

AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 03:05

I really want to say 'Same as your post' vivi, but I know that'd be shitty Grin

Is it just as bad posting that I really want to say it but won't? Grin

Astelia · 09/02/2013 03:07

It is all a bit odd that she would want to go to a children's party. I wouldn't go if you paid me.

That is what would bother me- the strangeness of the request. Why doesn't she see SIL at another weekend. They work together for goodness sake so must see plenty of each other.

I would invite then spend the party watching her out of the corner of my eye- wondering at her motivations. Not conducive to a stress-free time and an extra hassle you don't need.

How about you say no, sorry, everything is sorted and there isn't room at the venue for any more adults.

Iteotwawki · 09/02/2013 04:04

Am I the only one that thinks the SiL is being extremely rude? Because to have a random stranger invite themself to a party you're organising in behalf of someone else is beyond cheeky! I'd say "No, it's not alright - even parents of the invited children are being asked not to stay with their kids due to space issues, maybe your friend could visit you some other time. Completely understand if this means you can't make your niece's party, sure you can catch up with her & DBro another time!"

I just find it totally odd. I wouldn't want her there unless she had a direct connection to the birthday girl - and if she did, I'd probably have already invited her anyway.

OP - I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest.

FellatioNels0n · 09/02/2013 04:14

It's an adult, and she is staying with your SIL. The dates have clashed. Either allow her to bring her friend or accept that she may not attend the party at all. It's not like there are hordes of gatecrashing children all expecting a bit of birthday cake and a party bag is it? Confused

FellatioNels0n · 09/02/2013 04:27

OK, read the thread now. I tell what I am finding a bit odd. The fact that as a single father with a new partner the OP's DBro needs her to 'help out quite a lot' by having his child 2-3 nights a week. Shock Poor men. They are not cut out to do normal child-rearing like us women are they? they need so much support otherwise how would they ever get to work? Hmm

I am trying to imagine a situation where a single working mum with a busy life has her sister or brother to step in and have her child three nights a week and arrange their birthday party for them. Confused

Not having a go at you OP - it's nice that you do it, but unless your DB works a very complicated shift pattern I can't see how he justifies this.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 09/02/2013 04:27

Blimey, what a non issue, you seem to be making a very large something out of a very small nothing really.

TarkaTheOtter · 09/02/2013 06:19

It's not "your" party though. Do you think DN would mind? I don't think it's something I would get upset about, and I don't like my SIL either Wink

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 06:37

If you want to, just say not really space, I've had to tell parents not to come.

But I probably wouldn't bother.

mrsbunnylove · 09/02/2013 06:44

say no. why would you want a stranger present? if you are uncomfortable with the idea, just say no. you have 25 children to watch - you don't want to be watching a stranger adult as well.

TroublesomeEx · 09/02/2013 07:22

Actually, I had a very similar request in similar circumstances and I just said "yes".

It wouldn't have occurred to me to think anything of it until this thread.

Presumably she isn't expecting to be fed or pandered to. All she's going to be doing is occupying the same room at the same time.

I think some people are reading quite a lot into this. I doubt they've put as much thought into this as people on here are doing. It's more likely to be "oh I forgot, I've got a kids birthday party to go to on Xday." "Ok no problem" "Actually, you could come if you want, would save you staying at mine on your own" "Yeah ok. God it's years since I've been to a kids party!" And that's it.

And I have reason to be suspicious of other adults brought into the family fold by other family members.

TroublesomeEx · 09/02/2013 07:28

I've just read the whole thread to.

I also think that your brother needs to start looking after his own child himself! What's all this palming her and organising her birthday party off onto you?

Dads really are capable of doing all sorts of things you know.

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 07:44

FellatioNels0n

Not that it has anything to do with this thread in the slightest but I will answer your post.

DBRO works away 'in the city' two or three days a week, he used to take DN and is DP with him, but now DN is at school it has been seriously damaging to her education (she went to one school half of the week and another on the other days).
DB's wife does nothing for DN, which is a massive problem in its self. She wouldn't even drop her off or collect her from school or make her meals she barely even acknowledged the poor girls existance.
I, and our other sibblings, believed this was really affecting DN, so a few months ago suggested the current arrangement, and it has made a huge difference to her personality and her education.

DBRO has raised DN alone from the day she was born, and he has done a fantastic job.
His job (he was prompted last year) is the only thing that makes his role as a parent harder. But he has no choice, if he doesn't travel he doesn't have a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 07:45

And I organised the party because I am good at party planning. That is all.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 09/02/2013 07:50

Blimey, I think the girl's 'stepmother' needs to fulfil the role she took on when she married your brother then!

What a horrible woman. Sad

In that case, I think it's brilliant that you all support him/them so much.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 07:55

Well if the SM really is that 'horrile' then the DBro is a doubly horrible for staying with her. We don't live in fairy tale land, the father has free will, he is responsile for the child. Pisses me off how everyone says 'poor brother' and jumps straight on the SM.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 07:58

And I am a bit sad at 'SM needs to fulfill the role she signed up for' - cos we all know how well it goes down on MN when a SM gets involved in things like organising birthday parties!

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 08:02

In SM's defence, she isn't a horrible person, other than her non-relationship with DN and her spending habits she is quite a nice person.
She is one of those people that had never known any children, doesn't like children, doesnt know how to act or talk to children, doesn't want any children, and just finds then extremely hard work.

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 09/02/2013 08:05

So, op, have you made a decision? Are you going to say she can come or not? (Personally, I agree with all the people who can't see what the problem is). X

Original poster
WeAreEternal · 09/02/2013 08:12

Well I still feel that it is rude, and my instinct is to say no... But since the consensus seem to think that would be UR i will say that she can come.

I'm going to send a text to SIL in a little while that shows that I'm not 100% happy about it but am willing to let her bring her friend.
Something such as 'I suppose that would be ok'

OP posts:
lljkk · 09/02/2013 08:26

YABVU.

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