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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be invited to a lunch if there is someone I don't talk to?

339 replies

Neverland2013 · 08/02/2013 22:46

I will try to keep it short. I had a big fall out with one of the mums from our 'mumsgroup' over a year ago. In the past, during a B'day party, I managed to be civil to this person but I am rather annoyed that one of my friends invited me as well as the other person to a Saturday lunch although she knows how I feel.

OP posts:
earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 15:44

But neverland they have NO OBLIGATION to discuss their personal family decisions with you

Honestly you need to let this go. It's not for you to decide what other people can do in their lives. You can't control things like that.

mynewpassion · 09/02/2013 15:51

So you want your friends to choose between the two of you. That is what boils down too. If they like you both, they don't have to choose. You, YOU, can choose to accept or decline invitations. They are leaving up to you and her to decide, as free thinking adults.

She has own kids. She doesn't need to be a mummy to two adult women and separate them.

Original poster
Neverland2013 · 09/02/2013 15:55

Understand but I don't have an obligation to carry on and pretend that it is o.k. I don't have to be friend with someone who I don't trust. I can be civil to them but I don't want to spend my spare time in a small group with them. I rather start again. If it means that I loose some other people along the way than be it. I would like to say that I don't meet people and drop them when they upset me but this went a bit too far.

OP posts:
Doha · 09/02/2013 15:56

My parents and my friends both went after he same bungalow a few years back, my parents put in he highest bid and won. No hard feelings from my friends--they still talk.
What's for you won't go by you. It was obviously not meant to be

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 15:59

You are not reacting normally to this at all. If you took that argument then my friend would drop me for having dared to have bought the car they wanted. Instead of us having been texting all day as they are going to see another one today.

catnipkitty · 09/02/2013 16:06

Blah blah...why should anyone else be bothered to worry about your 'fallings out'.... Just don't go

Lueji · 09/02/2013 16:11

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Lueji · 09/02/2013 16:14

If it means that I loose some other people along the way than be it. I would like to say that I don't meet people and drop them when they upset me but this went a bit too far.

I think your friends will be lucky if you do drop them.

Original poster
Neverland2013 · 09/02/2013 16:15

:-) diva like? Oh, well....

OP posts:
earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 16:26

YANBU to avoid the other mum if what happened is annoying you this much later.

YABVVU to expect everyone else to remember all the ins and outs of your fall out and not invite you. It's an invitation. Just say no.

I genuinely don't get the angst and the need for drama

Whoknowswhocares · 09/02/2013 17:35

Ok we'll from a poor start, you sort of had us warming to you in that middle bit. I felt a bit sorry for you. But you were a damn sight less than truthful!
Turns out first impressions were right. She didn't gazump you........not even close. She bought a house you liked. She liked it too and offered on it, before you had even placed a bid if I read it right. So you didn't lose a penny. bad luck, but thats life.
You have decide to spend the following year behaving like a petulant brat and expect your friends to join in? I'd say they could do without a drama queen who thinks the world revolves around her

Original poster
Neverland2013 · 09/02/2013 17:42

Actually, we put an offer on the house first and she knew it. Yes, you can say I was sightless as I did not expect it coming. I found the house, put an offer and then whilst chatting to her I told her about it. She asked me what house it was and I did tell her...

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 09/02/2013 17:45

Ok that changes it a little (sorry), but your offer had not been accepted had it? No surveys,legal expenses etc?

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 17:46

Then it's your fault for having a mouth like the mersey tunnel. you should have kept your private personal business private. sorry but you need to get over it.

Mia4 · 09/02/2013 18:26

YANBU to dislike someone and not want to be friends, however you can't expect other people to encourage you with that or make concessions by not inviting other out.

I sucks, I've been there except it was a once good friend of mine who'd slept with my (4x back) ex partner for months while we were together and was dating one of my DPs friends. I was civil to her but very cool, I made it clear I wanted nothing personally to do with her but we were still able to go out in large and small groups because I just avoiding interacting with her. She obviously knew and tried to draw me back in but i was civil, polite but disinterested in her. I didn't ask her about herself or how her day was, just hello and goodbye and then interacted with everyone else.

This happened until she slept with one of DPs other friends, breaking the heart of his close friend and pissing off everyone else (except the one she cheated with). Thankfully now i don't have to deal with her.

It's hard but it gets easier with time, you don't need to be friends just acknowledge and move on. I'm sure there's plenty of people you do want to interact with who will be there.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 09/02/2013 18:36

Had your offer been accepted op? I think its weird of the friend not to mention it either way. That would be the normal thing to do, not sneaking around. I couldn't imagine doing that to a friend without talking to them about it first.

WhateverTrevor · 09/02/2013 18:46

Why didn't you offer more?

QOD · 09/02/2013 18:47

Ok, so how would you feel to see photos of them all, the one you fell out with and all the others, at a event, having fun, and you weren't invited and didn't know about it?

Feels like shit I can tell you.

Suck it up or you'll be the one.

Hullygully · 09/02/2013 18:56

they are all cunts

Hullygully · 09/02/2013 18:59

I am completely on your side neverland

firesidechat · 09/02/2013 19:03

Don't know what to say really except that you should possibly just let it go. I haven't "fallen out" with anyone since school, so can't help much.

HildaOgden · 09/02/2013 19:06

I think it was very sneaky of the ex-friend to pump you for info on what amount you would bid etc.Very sneaky indeed,and I wouldn't trust her again either.I completely understand how you felt used/stabbed in the back etc.

I think the friend who invited you to lunch did so as to avoid taking 'sides',or offending you if she didn't invite you and you found out about it later.

To be honest,rightly or wrongly,I think I'd just take a step back from that group too.See how you feel after not seeing them for a while,if you feel better then leave them in the past.If you genuinely miss them,then stay in touch with the ones you miss.

I really do think it was sly of the ex-friend to use the info you were giving her against you,actually can't believe that other posters don't see that.

earlierintheweek · 09/02/2013 19:08

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/02/2013 19:10

I think people are being rude to the OP.

So she has different expectations of friendships? They aren't ridiculous, IMO.

On the subject of the OP, I'd say - just don't go. The inviter probably wants to smooth things over, doesn't get why you might still be upset, but you can't really bear her any ill will.

HildaOgden · 09/02/2013 19:16

Oh earlierintheweek,have you never discussed anything with a friend without expecting them to use it to your disadvantage?It's called chatting about what's happening in your life,it's what friends do.OP was being perfectly normal to chat to her friend about it,friend was being perfectly sneaky to keep her mouth shut about what her true intentions were.