AIBU to never want kids??

[Judged]

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-


-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don?t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It?s important for me to have my own money.
-I?ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I?ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I?ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won?t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I?m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there?s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

[amillionyears]

Judged, I cant see that you actually have a problem.
No one is forcing you to have children.

[gimmecakeandcandy]

Oh and judgEd, you have NO idea how you will feel - you can only know if you are a mother. What you think now can totally turn with the arrival of your own baby.

[OliviaMumsnet]

Hello and top of the morning to you all
A quick reminder of our talk guidelines, anyone?

[Zondra]

What is the problem, Judged?

You don't want kids. Fine

Why are you on a parent forum wanting affirmation for not having kids?
What's the problem?
You've decided it's not for you,so....?

If your partner wants kids, then that is an issue.
Sorry to be hard-nosed & clinical,but if that is the case then you are not suited.

Drama over.

Btw- yanbu. Your choice, your body.

[saladcreamwitheverything]

Haven't read the whole thread but you don't have to give up your career. I was back working a 45 hour week when my baby was 19 days old. I have LOADS of stretchmarks. From the sound of your OP you aren't in a relationship anyway so why not wait and make your decision for when you are in a relationship and not paint "every man in your culture" with the same brush x

[zippey]

Judged - You seem to be fearful of having children and not being able to find a man to marry who feels the same as you. Its a bit obvious sounding, sorry, but I just wanted to say that you do not have to have children if you dont want to, and you dont have to marry if you dont want to.

[Judged]

zippey- I know I don't have to marry but it just so happens that I want to. :)

[Zondra]

Judged, sorry to be a pest, why are you posting that you don't want kids on a parenting forum? Confused.

If you don't want kids fine.

If you have issues about wanting to find a husband that doesn't want kids,also, then you'll probably be more fruitful with finding advice on a dating forum or something similar?

[Judged]

Zondra- looking at the rest of the posts on the AIBU forum I can see that not every post is from people who are parents. I wasn't aware that this website os only for women who have already had children. Since my problem is related to a phobia of pregnancy and birth and my problem pertains to having children I can't imagine a better website to gain some insight than a parenting website.

If you'll read my posts carefully, you will see that not once have I mentioned anything about my love life. I haven't even confirmed whether or not I am single. All I have said is that all the men I meet seem to want children and that is adding to my problem. I haven't asked for dating advice, I haven't expressed concerns over getting married. Those are all just assumptions and speculations being made by other posters.

[Greensleeves]

Zondra, wind your neck in. OP is completely right to post here, as it is advice around childbirth and parenting that she is looking for. And even if she weren't, it wouldn't be your place to tell her whether or what to post! Rude

OP your reasons are perfectly sound and not that uncommon I think. But more importantly you don't HAVE to have a set of arguments marshalled ready to produce them when someone puts you under pressure. You shouldn't be under pressure to do anything you don't want to do - you're an adult and it's up to you how you spend your life. Can we help with that at all? Is it family, or local community you feel trapped by? What hold do they have over you?

The only other thing I would say is: don't close the door. Leave yourself a chink of open-mindedness - things can change, people change, and you might feel differently one day. But I think it's easier to accept that when you aren't having to defend and justify your current choice.

[Zondra]

Judged, you said earlier that you want to get married.

I gave my thoughts on that.

Greensleeves, Maryz: it's AIBU. I don't think I've been rude?! This is the straight talking area of this site. I gave my opinion & wondered why op wanted to post here?

My confusion is- if your very sure about something,why post on a forum that is mainly about that "thing".

I ain't going to post on a sausage making forum, that I hate making sausages & am I being unreasonable...

I don't like making jam on a jam-making website, I don't like making emo music on an emo website, I don't like crotcheting on a crotchet forum...ad infinitum...

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Yanbu.
And you don't have to decide yet. At 25 you have years.
It's not selfish to decide not to have a child.

Fwiw, I have a fear of invasive procedures.
I had my baby at 39, in a pool at home. No vaginal exams.
I have no stretchmarks or skin marks.
I lost the weight and got stronger afterwards.
I look better now - but more tired - but my skin is better than it ever was. Periods less painful too.

I have a child who is a blessing and a joy and it has brought me and dh even closer.

But I am glad I waited, worked, lived, loved, travelled and did not have a baby at 25. Enjoy your life and try not to worry. It is all right not to be sure, either way.

[Judged]

Zondra-Yes I posted that I wanted to get married, but it was in response to a question posed to me. Nowhere have I asked anyone for advice on searching for a husband or anything to do with my love life really.

If you think that I shouldn't be posting here you can always email the administrators of the website about your concerns.

[Judged]

Greensleeves- I think the pressure comes from friends and extended family more than from my immediate family. Perhaps I am just unfortunate in that everyone I meet seems to think that not wanting children makes me an alien. That kind of marginalization over the years has made me very conscious of how I feel. In addition to that I have tokophobia and various other issues which perhaps make me even more complexed.


I realise this isn't a dating forum, but just to explain my point further I would like to add that all the men I have dated in the past have wanted children. It is just depressing to think about how limited my options are going to be if I come out openly with the fact that I might not want to have a baby.

[Judged]

TrucksandDinosaurs- I have a fear of invasive procedures too but I also have tokophobia. So a home water birth isn't really an option for me. Furthermore since I already have stretch marks, I doubt that I won't develop more during pregnancy since I already have a tendency.

[Hooya]

Hi Judged, I can empathise with some of your concerns.

I am a complete wuss about any kind of pain (as in I cry when I stub my toe), emetophobic, vain, love my quite full-on career, have a near-perfect long-term relationship, and am pretty selfish.

My partner and I had always agreed we never wanted kids, but something just changed last summer. We sat down and discussed how it would all work and whether it would ruin our lives, but we just knew we'd regret it if we didn't. We agreed that he would stop work, I would go back to work after not very long, and I could have an ELCS and breast surgery in the future post bf if I want it and if the risks seem acceptable.

I'm now 8 weeks pg, have thrown up loads of times, have spots on my previously spot-free face, have put on weight already , am having hardly any sex, and have had to run out of important meetings to spew up. But... it's f**king brilliant! I am so excited and amazed and scared but in a good way! I can't describe how good it can actually feel to let some of your fears materialise, and give yourself the challenge of dealing with them instead of just thinking about them. As someone who used to suffer from anxiety disorder before CBT and a long recovery, I totally believe that fear of fear is worse than anything else.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Mimishimi]

OP, if you have someone specific in mind that you would like to marry and he has made it clear that he wants children, I really think you ought to break it off with him rather than marry and hope you can change his mind. If it is noone in particular right now but you can see yourself getting married one day, why not simply find a man who also does not want children? There are loads of them around. Perhaps even a divorcee who already has some and doesn't want more? That way you get the best of both worlds actually. In my experience those who harp on loudest and repeatedly about not wanting to have children ( and putting down those who do) have always been girls that noone is particularly interested in having children with anyway . Probably realising this they come up with lots of reasons why the whole thing is a horrid idea anyway. Those who don't want them but who can attract loads of men who do usually don't make an issue of it because they just wait until they meet someone who feels likewise.

[Zondra]

Judged- why would I want to report you?
You haven't breached any guidelines & I can assure you that I'm not appalled your here. Was just confused...?

I'll still stand by that I think it's odd, creating a thread on a parenting website that : AIBU not to want to be a parent. I actually concur with you, you are not being unreasonable not wanting a child.

Go with your fears. Don't give birth. That's ok. It's fine. You've decided that. Thus, carry on.
There is no problem.

So, I have answered your op clearly & definitely- you are not being unreasonable to not want kids or give birth.

You've got your answer from me & I actually support you.

[Judged]

Hooya- Congratulations:) May I ask if you've already been able to arrange the cesarean (that is what ELCS means right? )

[Judged]

Mimishimi- Umm, thanks. I guess

[Hooya]

Thanks Judged.

I don't currently live in the UK and have private medical which covers it, so I just asked the obstetrician what happens if I don't want a vaginal birth? He said well there are only two ways of getting the baby out, and if you want a c-section and you have read up on all the risk factors and made a decision, I'd be happy to do it!

I know it is different in the UK, but depending on your financial circumstances there is always the option of going private if the NHS won't do it.

[Zondra]

Hooya- the op is scared not only of the birth, but of having to deal with acne & the scars that can follow from that & also having to suffer from more stretchmarks, a slump in work oppotunities, etc.

[Judged]

Hooya-I have sent you a message. :)

[Zondra]

Also, the op is scared that having a child shall disrupt a relationship.
Anyway, not being horrible but, the op gives many points not to have a child.

I agree that she is not ready/wants to.