AIBU to never want kids??

[Judged]

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-

-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don?t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It?s important for me to have my own money.
-I?ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I?ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I?ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won?t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I?m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there?s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

Yanbu, we are all allowed choices & your choice works best for you and if you are happy then that is all that counts
I have 4dc and i love my large family, but we are all different, with different wants, needs & ambitions. I'm very maternal but i know women that aren't and i sometimes wonder why they took the plunge iyswim.

It's better to make a decision not to have children, than have them and not be "in it" iyswim.

Power to you op, my favourite Aunty chose never to have children & embraces life to the full

It sounds to me like you are feeling hurt by all of this.
Is there someone in particular that has hurt you emotionally?

Your body will be forever changed when you have had a baby. Not just by the way it looks. However for MOST women the lovely little bundle of joy is worth every second of the pain and definitely worth any change you have to put up with after. If you do not want a baby do not have a baby. If you are thinking this now even when you are not pregnant, I would say you were pretty sure of your decision. Some women just do not want them. There are plenty of men who feel the same :) Do not feel that society has a right to tell you want to do as a women.

what to do rather

No YANBU at all.

BUT - reading through your list of reasons, it seems like there are a lot related to your body and the medical side of things. I'm not trying to underestimate this at all, but I'm concerned that you're letting the experiences of a small amount of time (in the grand scheme of things) dictate the life-long experience that is children.

If you didn't have to get pregnant and give birth, would you still be against having children? If so, maybe you should look into dealing with those issues and then reassess whether you want children. You don't want to grow old and regret your choice.

I'm not trying to persuade you into it AT ALL, and totally understand that some women just don't want children (and that's totally fine!), but it's just something that jumped out at me from your post.

If that's not the case, and I'm miles up the wrong tree, then I'm sorry, and encourage you to be proud of your choice and enjoy your child-free life.

Judged your reasons aren't odd, you have a recognised phobia. I've got the same phobia and know and understand how horrible it is.

I'd also say that my recovery from c/s was brilliant. I felt far worse when I had a stomach bug 2 weeks ago. But that's my experience.

Also - I presume from your post that you're single?

Without wanting to patronise you or belittle your worries, your view might change when you meet the right man. I never wanted kids: I still don't particularly like other people's children (despite having a 2yr old and being almost 38wks pregnant with #2!). But I wanted children with my husband. I wanted his children, and a family with him. For me, meeting him changed my views on children. And that might happen to you.

Pinkbanana

Yes, for me too, wanting children was in verry large part about wanting to have a family with one person.

Interestingly it was always the other way round for me, I wanted children/family and wasn't that bothered about the man part I suppose we are just all different.

There are plenty of reasons not to have children. Do what you want. But it is possible to have a c section / excel in your career / get in shape. These are things millions of women do all the time so I think maybe you need to get over yourself.

YANBU

But some people do have amazing careers, a wonderful marriage, and children too.

I haven't managed the career bit and do feel a bit gutted about how poor having children has made me. However - my children have given me more pleasure than a 10 squillion quid lottery win, so I can live with this.

Want to add, that I'm more secure in myself as an individual and a mother than I was a childless woman.

Even childless women lose their youthful good looks eventually. It's nice to have something else to value in yourself than the transient physical stuff, and knowing I've bought three incredible people into this world has made me feel valuable as a human being.

Judged, have you posted on here before about your tokophobia? Your story sounds very familiar.

You are not being unreasonable if you don't want children. I know a number of people who don't want kids and I don't think they're selfish. Why would I care? My friends have never expressed an opinion on whether I should have kids or not. They like me for who I am and vice versa.

So no YANBU.

Unless, as you suggest later in your posts, that you are undecided. In which case, I think some of your concerns are unfounded - I never had bad skin during pregnancy and I went back to my normal weight afterwards. But for me, having children outweighed these concerns and was worth the risk of bad skin or weight gain. If it isn't for you, then pregnancy is probably not the way forward.

Judged - I wonder how you'll cope with getting old and crepey if body confidence is a huge issue for you?

Having sprogs has reconciled me to ageing.

You would NEVER be unreasonable to not want children.

However, much of what you've posted suggests it's pregnancy and giving birth that you don't want to do, rather than having children. The bit at the beginning is a tiny fraction of life as a parent, so I wonder if you're dwelling too much on that bit when asking yourself if parenthood is for you.

WRT to being a SAHM, again not everyone chooses this path. I have and sometimes it's soul destroying, but much of that is my own fault because I'm not very creative with my time. I could find lots of stimulating things to do with the children instead. I'm looking forward to going back to work p/t when the youngest starts school in a couple of years.

There's no issue as far as I am concerned with not having children, I have at least three female friends and one male who have, for one reason or another, not had children, ranging from an out and out preference (and finding a partner who also doesn't want children) to running out of time and being not that fussed.

All have found partners who were happy with their choice as well, and all are enjoying their late thirties/early forties child-free.

I do have a friend with tokophobia as well as a fear of bodily 'invasion' and she has had three children! All by elective and with considerable consultant support.

I am not sure about your posts, you don't seem to want to elaborate on who is putting the pressure on you, and why in your culture it is inevitable you will have children, I think this is the greater story really, because I have not found it that unusual to choose not to have children at least in my social circle. And definitely not within my profession where it is relatively common, especially for women.

YANBU. Do not have children.

You are not unreasonable at all not to want children. You are ridiculously unreasonable to be resigned to the fact that you'll "have to" have them at some point, regardless of how you feel.

YANBU.

Whether or not you want children is a very personal thing, and it's not unreasonable to decide that you don't want them. There's plenty of women out there who don't want children and are happy being child-free.

But I do agree that you seem more worried about the pregnancy / birth process and their side effects than the actual child bit. (And I'm another one who's never heard of melasma)

Would you want a child if you didn't have to go through pregnancy and birth? If the answer to that is yes, then maybe look into getting help to deal with your worries.

Also, I know plenty of women, including me, who have both a job and children. It doesn't always have to be a choice between a baby or a career, although obviously a lot depends on how supportive your partner is and what kind of field you work in.

I guess I'd have children if I didn't have to be pregnant and be a housewife.

In response to the person who said that growing old also involves body changes: I know it does. But it's one thing to deal with that at 60, and another to deal with it at the prime of your life. Besides, growing old is inevitable and I can't change that.

YANBU. I just had a kid, and I'm back at work now after 6 weeks off. You don't HAVE to be a SAHM.

And you don't have to justify why you don't want kids. Why not get sterilized so that you can just not become pregnant?

Also, I just turned 42 with my first child, so I am getting the age related and child carrying changes all at once!

I don't know how you'll manage that then, OP? Hire a surrogate and then send them off to a nanny?

You can post anywhere you like and ignore anybody who tells you differently. People have children for their own sake, it's not altruistic by any means and certainly not for the child's sake. I don't like comments like "best you don't have them then" when somebody posts a thread about remaining childless. It's a bit sneery really.

Ask people in real life that you know, OP, ask them for a warts and all account and decide that you'll give yourself time to make a decision - whatever that is - and not be pressurised by anybody else.

I think, with the way you feel it's best not to have them but make sure you are not trying to convince yourself you don't want them if it is the fear that stops you.

Can I hire a surrogate and then a nanny?

I guess I am just looking for an assurance that I can have a c section, I won't become overweight and I won't have to be a SAHM.