AIBU to never want kids??

[Judged]

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-


-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don?t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It?s important for me to have my own money.
-I?ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I?ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I?ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won?t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I?m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there?s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

[GetKnitted]

for a genuine phobia, you can have a c-section,but if you're prone to over-eating and getting over weight, then having a baby will not help you at all. You won't have to be a stay at home mum, but you will have to look after them sometimes, and at the times when it is hardest, e.g. you are tired or stressed from work.

[ThePinkOcelot]

No, ynbu

[sleepyhead]

Well, I'd say that of all your reasons for not having children, those three are completely within your control (read the NICE guidelines on elective c-section for a start).

If you don't want to pay for childcare then finding a partner with an interest in staying at home with the children/flexible job would be a good idea - after all, that's what men have managed to have for all these No reason that your career shouldn't be the family priority.

[LilyAmaryllis]

YANBU

[Judged]

GetKnitted- I am not prone to overeating, I eat quite healthy. I do have PCOD and some other medical issues which have made me prone to weight gain if I am even a little indulgent.

[GirlOutNumbered]

C Section can be asked for.
You can exercise and eat well during pregnancy so you only put on baby weight, then it will disappear when you have given birth.
Surely no one can make you be a SAHM!

The only thing I have after two pregnancies is a weird belly button (and a scar), but the scar is disappearing and my belly button was a bit weird anyway.

However, some women are prone to varicose veins and stretch marks. You can't control that.

[Eurostar]

As far as I know, guidelines have changed to make elective caesarian available (if you are in the UK) so with your tokophobia that shouldn't be a problem, no one can say if you will become overweight or not, body shapes change with age anyway. As to if you have to become a SAHM, depends on where you are and who you marry, if you are in country where women have few rights or in one where they do but have to marry within a closed culture where dominance of women is accepted, maybe you have no choice.

Meanwhile, you do seem to be overly worried about your looks and feeling out of control about them. Have you been bullied in the past about your looks or made to feel insecure by people close to you?

As for those who call you selfish, they are probably people who aren't altogether happy with their own life choices or people threatened by women having a voice so they go on the attack with you. It's ridiculous calling not having children selfish, world is over populated.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

So are you thinking you would like to have a baby/child then OP ?

I wonder if part of you does as you're posting about it on Mumsnet ?

Of course I could be quite wrong about that, as there's plenty of wise impartial advice to be had here too.

It's just in your last post you seemed to be saying you might want a baby if the problem aspects could be overcome.

I have to say I'm not sure they can be entirely. I think having a baby does change your whole life quite dramatically !

[HollaAtMeBaby]

YANBU but "my complexion is my pride and joy" has really made me snort. How are you planning to avoid aging?

[Judged]

I am 25.

[RubyrooUK]

Is this you, OP?

Forgive me if not but I read this thread on Mumsnet some time ago and your post reminded me of it. If it is not you, it is an interesting read which you should look at. If it is you, let us know.

[sleepyhead]

Well, at 25 I'd park the whole thing for the next 5 years. Don't give it head space.

I had my first at 34, am now pg with my second at 40. At 25 I was single and while I had vague expectations of being a parent at some point, it certainly wasn't worth angsting over.

However I get that you're from a cultural background that seems to be putting specific pressures on you, perhaps to partner up and start a family at a relatively young age.

[OxfordBags]

YANBU. It is actually commendable to not have children if you don't want them. The world is overpopulated and IMHO, many of the messed-up people out there are messed-up because they were unwanted (my Ex was abusive and it's pretty clear that this was the reason for his issues - his mother used to openly chat in front of him about how she never wanted children and always regretted being a mother, like she was discussing the weather, the cow). 3 of my and DH's closest friends do not want children and, in fact, we set two of them up and they are getting married this Summer! They are great with our kids and others but don't want their own, end of story.

However, this does sound more like the problem is that you have extreme anxiety and the focus of that anxiety has become about pregnancy and childbirth. No doubt something in your past couple with your cultural pressure to be a mother has made it the focus. I think you would benefit with some counselling about the issue. Not just to sort out how you truly feel, be that not ever having kids or you do actually want them but feel overwhelmed by your anxiety in many issues about it all, but also to deal with the extreme anxiety and phobia in themselves. No-one should be carrying around that much stress and upset, you poor thing.

Stop worrying about what others think about you or expect of you. At 25, you are very, very young. To me, anyway! I had my child at 40. Perhaps in your culture you are expected to have children younger, but again, you don't have to follow those rules. You have at least another decade before you have to worry about your fertility waning. I hate be a patronising old biddy but how you feel at 25 and what worries you then is not what you necessarily feel or worry about when you are 35, or even 30. Trust me.

If you feel like you would have kids but don't want to go through pregnancy and labour or be a SAHM, then work on that. You are young enough and driven enough to really concentrate on your career and make a shedload of cash. Which you could use towards using a surrogate, an international adoption (I don't know if your culture is from another country where poverty is an issue, but if so, you could adopt from there, say), or have the best private care and an elective CS if you decide to get pregnant. And you do not have to be a SAHM. I am a SAHM and love it, but would never, ever suggest that someone else do it if they don't fancy it.

As for the complexion thing then, hmmm. I hate to break it to you, kiddo, but the face will not stay perfect forever. I've always had great skin - I am that rare thing, a ginger with no freckles and no propensity to early wrinkling - but I am in my 40s and time has taken its toll. It's still better than most people of my age, if I am allowed a moment of vanity, BUT it cannot compare to my 25 yr old self. It would be daft not to get pg because of your complexion, although I know that's not really your reason, you're just fixating on that (I suffer from anxiety, I know how it works). I have never known anyone get melasma. I know that Kirsty Allsopp got it and it went away (my mind seems to store trivia!). And when I was pg, my complexion was the best it has ever been. Ever. I looked like an airbrushed teenage model! The rest of my looked bloody awful mind, and yes, I had hyperemesis, stretchmarks and am still working out the babyweight nearly 2 yrs on, but it was worth it.

[Judged]

RubyRoo- I haven't posted here before :)

[Judged]

I suppose I do have a bit of time to sort out my feelings on this...

I am not at all opposed to marrying outside my culture and my family isn't putting any pressure on me at all. They're quite laid back actually. It's just that the social circle I have is unfortunately a bit weird. Funnily, I've just never met a man my age who didn't want kids.

[morethanpotatoprints]

YANBU.

I was the same but had different reasons. A doctor even told me I'd probably not have any and it didn't bother me. I never showed an interest in babies, thought they were all ugly, omg the thought of nappies and yukky stuff, not for me.
I have 3 wonderful dc, eldest 21 youngest 9. I never realised how maternal I was until I had ds1. I love them and really feel like I would have missed out on so much in life without them, but of course I would never have known.
I think all women are maternal, but for some they don't realise until after birth.

[Judged]

Actually, I am maternal. I looked after my baby cousins when they were little and I am tender towards children, especially little girls.

[Judged]

I do think nappies are disgusting though. And I don't like the idea of breastfeeding.

[sleepyhead]

You can be like that and not have children of your own though. Ds's favourite person in the world just about is my child free friend. She completely concentrates on him when they're together, partly I think because small doses are a lot more fun .

I'm the opposite, I adore ds and will adore ds2 when he comes along, but I'm not that bothered about other people's children

[MsVestibule]

Just focusing on one thing - what makes you think you'll have to become a SAHM . I'm one, and I'm in the minority where I live!

Is it a cultural thing for you? Do you live in Britain? At 25, I can't imagine that all of your friends are SAHMs already. And surely if you work at the moment, you must have many colleagues who are WOHMs, so you can see that it's the norm. I could have understood your concerns about this more if it were 1953, not 2013...

[MsVestibule]

sleepyhead most of us aren't .

[CrispsCrispsCrisps]

Judged, I don't think yabu at all. It's your life and your body.

I do think you are driving yourself crazy agonising over this. I felt very similar to you and although I don't have a phobia of vaginal birth the thought of it did repulse me. Same with nappies and bf and body changes etc. I also felt family and cultural pressures didn't help and made me feel bad for not wanting to have children. The more I felt pressured and questioned, the more negative I felt about it.

Do what feels right for you. Just wanted you to know you're not alone and others do have similar thoughts

[CrispsCrispsCrisps]

Saying that, I now have 1 DC and fell pregnant because I was ready and not for others. I have a career and I'm respected in my role at work and also in my role at home as a Mother. A lot of the concerns you have just show you're human.