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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to pick dd's friend up from her dance class tomorrow?

504 replies

stormforce10 · 08/02/2013 12:16

Just had a call from DD friend's mum asking if I could pick up her DD and look after her after dance class for an hour or so as she has to take her DS to a birthday party.

Normally I wouldn't hesitate BUT last time I did that for this particular mum she turned up for her DD over 3 1/2 hours late and her explanation was that as both children were at friends she and her DH had decided to go out for lunch. No response to phone calls or text messages and I was desperately trying not to let on to her DD that I was getting worried something terrible had happened. That was 6 months ago but I was so angry with her I still haven't forgotten it let alone her DD's tears when she realised mummy wasn't coming when she said(6 years old)

I managed to say "sorry I can't we're busy tomorrow" and she's come back with a text message saying "please please please I've asked lots of people and they can't either really need someone or I won't be able to take DS to party and he'll be really upset".

What the hell do I text back now. I really like the little girl but I don't want to be taken advantage of again in this way let alone deal with the upset. I'm guessing if lots of other people can't (? won't) do it I'm not the only one she's done this to.

OP posts:
SPBInDisguise · 10/02/2013 09:24

It's far fetched in my experience, but there are enough similar stories on here to make me think that people like this do exist!

IceNoSlice · 10/02/2013 09:43

Pagwatch hopefully his DW had a different experience and shows him a more caring way to parent.

GeneHuntsMistress · 10/02/2013 09:45

pagwatch he may well use his parents' behaviour as a model on how NOT to parent though - I tend to think of what my parents did and do the opposite.

GeneHuntsMistress · 10/02/2013 09:46

Having crap parents does not mean that you are automatically a crap parent though! That's quite offensive really - would you assume that someone who had been sexually abused by a parent would abuse their own children?!

Pagwatch · 10/02/2013 09:52
Confused

Was that at me GeneHuntsMistress?

Because I am pretty fucking sure I didn't say that!

My dh had crap disinterested parents. He is a fantastic father. But itwas immensely painful for him as he gradually realised that all these norms from his childhood added up to his parents not giving a shit.

GeneHuntsMistress · 10/02/2013 09:55

No no sorry pagwatch, not at you at all - it was seeing the two posts in a row with the same implication, and Ice's comment that he would not be able to be a good parent by his own volition, it would need to be his DW to show him the way. I suppose it hit a nerve. Not intended personally to you or Ice.

Pagwatch · 10/02/2013 10:04

Sorry then Gene. My apologies.
Like you - raw nerve I guess.

It is incredibly hard though to move on from a bad childhood. We were a good team really. Dh had to come to terms with not having been wanted and I was able to do that with him. We have a really loving home which is a revelation to him and something that he values beyond anything else.

The boy DS1 knows will have to see how indifferent his parents were in order not to have it as a model and that is a really hard thing to deal with, if dhs experience is anything to go by.

IceNoSlice · 10/02/2013 10:43

I didn't mean anything offensive either. Was trying to be positive.

I think you take so many things with you from childhood, some of which you are not even aware of. Until you see that other families do things differently. For example, when I was a child my DB and I had house keys and let ourselves in after school from age 11. My MIL (SAHM) thought that was utterly shocking but to me it was quite normal and I thought everyone did that. Probably a silly example but hopefully you know what I mean.

Bossybritches22 · 10/02/2013 10:59

Almost tempting to report her missing to the police (all concerned like) so they go round & bang on her door coitus interruptus to check she's OK.

Except of course I wouldn't want to waste the poor buggers time. Grin

Original poster
stormforce10 · 10/02/2013 11:17

If I am honest I didn't want to believe what X told me either. Having slept on it, I am really hoping that at least some of the things she said were things that had been exaggerated out of all proportion by school gate gossip and repetition :(

Would never cross my mind to call social services or police just because a child was left in my care.

OP posts:
IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 10/02/2013 11:20

:o :o @ her being TerribleCuntMum#2

Poor bloody kids!

fuzzpig · 10/02/2013 11:25

Arf @ coitus interruptus

AugustaProdworthy · 10/02/2013 11:51

Well, that's the ironing (not) done... completely agree Stormforce that you did absolutely the right thing. It does sound like other mums have been polite and maybe your text will make her think twice next time. May have missed this on the thread but where is her DH in this? Is her DD her only child? This thread has made me laugh out loud and then be shocked and then a bit upset. Completely confused about the scarf though, surely there is someone who could rustle up a scarf with YANBU/YABU printed on it?

AlanMoore · 10/02/2013 11:54

I would ring the police if the other parents were uncontactable and very late. I'd ring the police if my DP was very late and uncontactable, it wouldn't occur to me (even after this thread!) that anyone would deliberately upset their child and inconvenience others this way.

AlanMoore · 10/02/2013 11:54

Actually maybe I should babysit for her, that'd learn them!

Helltotheno · 10/02/2013 12:32

Would never cross my mind to call social services or police just because a child was left in my care.

No I wouldn't either OP.

But I have to say this thread has left me a little worried for that little girl :(

Pagwatch what you're saying about your DH is just so sad... it's so hard to imagine how anyone could treat their child like this but it obviously happens plenty.

slatternlymother · 10/02/2013 12:52

I was like that little girl; my parents just didnt like me much I guess. I was quite needy as a young adult, but my DH has 'set it right' iyswim. And I NEVER thought that was what normal parenting was. Ever. I knew perfectly well they didnt want me; that was how the damage was done Angry

fuzzpig · 10/02/2013 13:12

My DH is like pagwatch's - he was horrifically abused and is a fantastic parent, but overcoming it isn't easy.

I was sexually abused by a relative but in terms of my parents I'd say the term mentioned upthread "middle class neglect" is actually quite apt - not outwardly shocking enough for outsiders to realise or intervene, but relentless and damaging nonetheless. In a way I think it was more harmful than the sexual abuse itself, in particular the way they failed to deal with it precisely because they were so indifferent to me. I rushed into having my own DCs young because I was so desperate to prove (to myself) that I could do it better. I now have a chronic illness/disability which my specialist has told me is partly due to the stress and damage of my childhood. Hard not to feel resentful now, but I'm starting to work through it... don't know if I will ever confront it though.

Sorry I'm waffling now Blush

I hope we are reading way too much into this thread and in fact the mother is just scatty and occasionally thinks 'sod it', rather than her behaviour being a symptom of a much bigger problem :(

GingerbreadGretel · 10/02/2013 14:01

My DH's grandmother was abused. She did alright by her kids - no abuse but some labelling (pretty one, smart one...). The next generation have enjoyed wonderful childhoods. Am so impressed by people who manage to break the cycle.

GingerbreadGretel · 10/02/2013 14:02

My own grandmother was horrifically neglected, basically abandoned when her mother remarried. She was a loving but stifling parent, but again my mother has managed to parent in a normal, healthy way.

IceNoSlice · 10/02/2013 14:09

slatternlymother and fuzzpig, how awful and I hope you're coming to terms with it.

GingerbreadGretel your DM sounds like an impressive lady.

GingerbreadGretel · 10/02/2013 14:18

Thanks - I think she is really. She's started writing her autobiography and some of the stories are just mind-boggling. I can see why she waited till we were adults to tell us.

timidviper · 10/02/2013 14:18

My DH was never abused but was never made a priority either IYKWIM. He has been a great father, as has his brother, but both of them married wives from "normal" families.

slatternlymother · 10/02/2013 14:28

ice I'm done with it now. I knew it was wrong, even then. I used to get so upset all the time; I was really insecure all the time and it just annoyed them even more Sad

Bossybritches22 · 10/02/2013 14:37

OP-wasn't suggesting for a minute you WOULD contact the authorities, just having an indulgent minute imagining the look on Madams face if the rozzers were banging on her door when she was mid shag......Grin

FWIW I think you've handled it just right. Hope you don't get any more pathetic texts at silly o'clock or any other time!