EVIL MILs - WHY DID YOU MARRY SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE THEIR MUM??

[Hullygully]

Why??

What did you think would happen?

Because she only turned into a total fucking bitch the day we announced our engagement and she turned into such a bitch that the wedding happened without her and she has never met her DGD.

Another vote for mil's true colours emerging after!

Not my MIL, but my nephew's wife ...ie my sister.

My sister was a lovely, sane, normal, well- balanced person. My nephew got married and on their wedding day my sister morphed into something weird.
I can see it so clearly. She does not even see her first grandchild. She is weird and horrible and I NEVER thought I would say that about my sister.

But she has become the MIL from hell. My poor niece-in-law is lovely too..

My friend is currently in a serious relationship with someone whose mother absolutely hates her and makes no secret of the fact. My friend's crime? Potential MIL from hell thought the Xmas presents my friend bought for her family were too small and cheap. So she didn't say thank you but instead told her son my friend was a cheap tart and he could do better than that!

My mil was "tolerable" 14 years ago when I first met my DH. Over the years she's done some despicable things, acted horribly ( particularly after our 1st dd was stillborn) which culminated in a massive row 2 years ago. Luckily , I ve had nothing to do with her since & it's bliss!!!
Luckily, my DH is nothing like his mother... I married him not her!!!

It is all caused by mothers who won't let go - they are too controlling and expect to control thoughts in addition to actions. DSs in particular won't stand up to them and then they get a partner who won't put up with 'mother knows best' and you have problems. There are plenty of women on here who will make terrible MILs! There are also plenty of DSs who let them.

I still don't understand the 'he is nothing like'- he has half her genes! Even if he is nothing like, your DC may be 'just like'! It is a lottery.

I don't really understand the "controlling" thing.

What does that mean? How does it work?

My MIL isn't just a pushy lady, she is abusive to my husband and has been since he was a child. My story though in other respects is quite like DrGarnetts in that I would really have loved a nice MIL and I think (going my ex partners' mums), they get a generally unfair press.

I tried very hard to do whatever I could to ensure she was part of our lives until I realised there wasn't anything I could do to mend her horrible behaviour towards my DH.

He doesn't see her any more and all his ex partners left because of her (a bit like OP suggests hypothetically). He is a lovely person though who shouldn't be cast aside just because of his mum.

I don't know if that makes sense or clears it up Hully, it might be different if you're talking more about MILs and DILs that just don't get on. She of course does not accept responsibility for her behaviour so in her head this is all going to blow over and it won't.

Exotic - genetically you're spot on but my DH is nothing like his mum, think because he has fought against that all his life and her behaviour is pretty opposite to his character. My DB and DM are nothing alike (he is just like DF!) but they get on really well.

She lived 250 miles away and only wanted the odd phone call and a visit at Christmas. That I could cope with, then she got dumped by her DH and wanted to make up for 30 years of neglect and be near us where she could ignore us unless it suited her but be just a bus ride away. Yay.

does it really matter if you dont like your mil?mines ok but i wouldnt care if i didnt like here,im not married to her.

exctic thats rubbish,we are all products of our upbringing.

And two of my DC are just like her and she can't stand them lol
I just have to parent them extra hard and love them lots and lots so they don't turn out like her, I believe it's at least 50/50 nature/nurture.

The OP chills me, I have really terrible parents (loathed by all their sons and daughters in-law and out-of-law). My siblings and I would certainly all be single if people had considered our parents' likeability. But that doesn't make us bad partners.

I do think a lot of the tension between MILs and SILs is to do with the men in the middle not taking responsibility for family relationships and the women getting too keen on the "wifework" of sorting the whole family and the inlaws. It's much easier for the child of the parents to deal with them, and then it's much harder for everyone to blame the MIL or the SIL. I never argue with my MIL or PIL, if there's any issue then DP deals with it. And I acccept all the nightmare crap from my parents (ok I don't accept it but that's another thread, I don't expect DP to deal with it).

My MIL is fine, she is kind and caring and has never interfered in anything.

Flip it the other way round though, my mother is a nasty, nasty cow. We don't live local to her, so she pretends we don't exist. She treats me like shit, "forgets" DH's birthdays, and gave DS1£20 for his 18th when his cousins got cars! DH hasn't got the time of day for her because she hurts me so much, so should he not have married me?

I lived with my exmil for 16 years.

Moved in with her (separate living room and kitchen in her basement) and the ex 3 weeks before I got married. Seemed okay until I found out 6 weeks later that I was pregnant. Later found out it was twins and she turned into a controlling monster. 'You won't cope' 'You can't breastfeed' etc ad nauseam. I had few options really and so got on with it.

The initial idea had been to live with her for a bit while we saved for a deposit but that never happened. I had never lived in a house with people who shouted at each other so much and became horribly depressed by the situation. After a few years, and a nasty argument because she was hyper critical of everything I did, I suggested to the ex that we try and get a council place. He wouldn't do it. Told me we had to live with his mother to help her (she was 60 at the time). Factor in ds's severe autism and I just felt totally trapped by the whole situation. I was horribly naive and believed a lot of the crap they both spouted. My self-esteem had plummeted. I had no friends and no support. So I put up with it.

When ds went to a residential school, I had an epiphany. And after 16 years living with the most bizarrely selfish people, I found my voice and grew some balls and got myself a house and moved out with dd. Never been happier.

I can't even begin to describe some of the truly awful things she said and did over the years.

She is much more pleasant now I only have to see her a couple of times a year. In fact she seemed fine until I got pregnant really.

I have a theory on this... In fact coincidentally, I have been pondering today whether I'd have married dh if I'd realised what a piece of work mil is when we got engaged. The answer is no I really don't think I would have.

The thing is though, mil's (unless overtly vile, then yes, run for the hills) usually only become 'evil' when they feel threatened by you.

It's very easy for them to pretend to be normal when they aren't threatened by you.

Evil behaviour that we hear about on MN and that which I've experienced, only surfaced when I was head over heels in love with dh, 2-3 years after meeting, and actually really only escalated to MN-worthy proportions when I had dc.

In fact mil's turning bonkers/self-centred/ manipulative/demanding after the birth of GC is sadly, a common theme on here.

Why is that do we think?

The going bonkers after dgc are born.

If I had any inkling as to how truly awful she was there was no way I'd have married DH.

She has calmed down somewhat but the first couple of years of our marriage she tried every trick in the book to try and drive a wedge between us. She cried all the way through our wedding ceremony. She didnt see DC1 for months after she was born because she was 'hurt' that she didnt get to name her amongst other vile thi.gs, way too many to mention.

Admittedly, DH is very much a doting son and refused to actually even admit that his mother was a complete bitch to me. However, ever since I grew a spine and told him that I would leave him if he didnt take measures to put her straight, she has calmed down.

I married DH because I loved him, unfortunately I dont think he will ever tell her to fucking do one, I just might though.

The controlling thing which some parents do is truly bizarre. Both dh and I have astonishingly controlling parents who all show varying degrees of very strange narc traits and aspects of personality disorders. Neither dh or I are like them and I don't anticipate it to be genetically linked to ds. The way exotic describes it we are all 50/50 of our parents, but hardly anyone I know is much like their parents, they are much more culturally and socially influenced in their behaviours. I think we are products of he whole of our environments - parents are just one aspect of that.

Once when we went to choose a carpet, mil called them and told them what carpet we were allowed. When we changed this back to he carpet we wanted (the shop man also said can we say that he didn't have anything to do with us changing it back as he was so worried about her calling and telling him off ) she went all manipulative, a series of emails saying how disappointed she was, there were tears, then silence. It wasn't about carpet, but her absolute belief hat dh is an extension of her and she has a right to control every aspect of his life. She does this under the pretext of helping. Very strange.

REALLY??
dear lord

The MIL going bonkers after dgc are born may relate back to the fact that they are losing control. They want to be in charge and dgc are an excuse to try and be in charge.

I've seen this in the relationships some friends have with their MILs. Mine is great, if overly talkative (and I know far, far more about her bowels that I ever knew I didn't need to know ).

But I think some women just aren't able to handle the fact that to be a good mum you have to raise DCs to be independent of you, and the dgcs are a manifestation of the fact that your DCs are indeed independent. That your DC is capable of making decision without you, that they want a relationship with you but no longer NEED you to do things for them. I think it is that lack of need that makes some of them go over the top, to start interfering and try to reinvent that need.

My sister loves her MIL ("Like a second Mother") but detests her FIL (his general behaviour, drunkeness and treatment of his wife).

Should she have married her DH?

because she was dying - had been for years....and still is 15 years on.....