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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to hope my dh will cancel his rugby jolly this weekend?

99 replies

3monkeys3 · 05/02/2013 08:40

Dh is going to Dublin for the rugby this weekend - it is a work jolly, long organised but not compulsory. They would likely be able to fill his place and it would have no financial impact for us (or the company he works for, as they are the guests rather than hosts) regardless. It is overnight for 2 nights and 3 full days.

I have a horrible chest infection that I am really struggling to get over. I am now on my second course of antibiotics as the first lot haven't cleared it. I am looking after our 3 dc by myself while he is at work and finding it very difficult. Him going away would mean I have pretty much sole care of 3 dc (all under school age) for 2 weeks without any help or a chance to rest - youngest dc still does not sleep through the night. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents live locally, but usually refuse to come if I'm unwell in fear of catching it themselves.

I wouldn't dream if asking him, but am hoping he'll reach the decision not to go by himself. Is that unreasonable/selfish? He gets plenty if jollies (he is going to away with work in March, so not long to wait till next one) and I feel like I need him.

[OP has been edited by MNHQ to protect user anonymity]

OP posts:

girlsyearapart · 05/02/2013 08:42

You will have to spell it out to him. Ime that wouldn't be a conclusion naturally 'reached' ...

Hope you feel better soon

Whocansay · 05/02/2013 08:43

If you don't ask him, don't then get pissed off with him for not coming to the 'right' decision. He's not telepathic. Just ask him if you need help.

Pagwatch · 05/02/2013 08:45

You should ask him.
He is an adult.you are an adult. He may not appreciate how unwell you are feeling and how tired you are.
Dh will always stay at home if I am unwell but I have to tell him what I need as he often can't spot that I am struggling because I get on with it.

Just tell him what you need.

TanteRose · 05/02/2013 08:46

why on earth would you not dream of asking him

ask him

anyone would see that you are struggling, its not fair for him to be swanning off on his hols

hope you feel better soon

Pan · 05/02/2013 08:48

Seems odd you can't ask him, but you can ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if YABU to expect him to without being asked.

Tell him of your struggle and ask him to not go. Seems healthy and fair.

meditrina · 05/02/2013 08:50

Do you get weekends away? If so, I'd try to stag on.

But if you don't get regular breaks as he does, then I think you should just tell him you're not up to coping with this one because of the illness. It will only lead to resentment if you hope he'll work it out and then he doesn't.

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 08:50

Unless you ask him, I don't think you have a hope in hell that he will volunteer. It's a pretty important match, only England, Ireland or Italy (unlikely!) can win the Six Nations so this weekends game between England and Italy could be a decider.

NotQuiteCockney · 05/02/2013 08:51

Can you get a nanny out? There are agencies that provide helpers, who could maybe take your lot out for a few hours ...

This isn't instead of having your DH home, it's as well - you need to rest!

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 08:51

*i mean England and Ireland- doh!

MaxPepsi · 05/02/2013 08:53

Why would he feel the need to cancel if you don't even tell him you are struggling?

However, what would you do if it was compulsory?

Whilst I understand you are knackered and pissed off it sounds more like you are resentful of his trips away and want to put a stop to them.

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 05/02/2013 08:54

I'm a bit worried he'll say no if I ask him. He's generally pretty good to me and did have 2 days off work to help me last week (been ill 2 weeks already) but I'm nervous of causing a row over this. I think he feels he should go, even though he doesn't have to iyswim.

OP posts:

diplodocus · 05/02/2013 08:56

Can you ask him to take another day off during this week to give you a chance to rest?

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 05/02/2013 08:56

maxpepsi he knows I am struggling and has helped me a lot with housework, etc. I don't resent him going away in general, I'm just very nervous about this weekend.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 05/02/2013 08:57

If you would have a row just because you ask him, that's not good really.

girlsyearapart · 05/02/2013 08:57

Could you take one of the kids over to your parents if they will help but without them actually being with you as you're ill?

Pan · 05/02/2013 08:59

Being fearful over a row on an issue of reasonableness indicates something else more enduring that needs putting right, I think.

prudencesmom · 05/02/2013 08:59

You need to tell him ASAP.
I hope you get your fair share of "jollies" too???

NotADragonOfSoup · 05/02/2013 09:01

He isn't going to make the decision by himself as he has no idea how you are feeling - especially as you haven't said.

I am curious as to how 2 nights/3 full days equates to 2 full weeks of you having sole care of the children though.

NotADragonOfSoup · 05/02/2013 09:02

Insofar as the weekend goes though, let your standards go and spend the whole weekend in PJs watching DVDs.

tealady · 05/02/2013 09:02

Why dont you wait until nearer the weekend. Its only Tues and if you are on anti-bs you may feel a lot better by the weekend. Buy some DVDs and get easy food and you could have a cosy weekend with the kids and earn brownie points (maybe a break for you in exchange).

Obviously if you are still unwell later in the week you should just tell him you cant cope alone.

Whocansay · 05/02/2013 09:03

If he wants to go and won't stay, he can arrange for help for you whilst he's away. But you still have to ask him.

But yes, if going on a jolly to get shitfaced is more important than his family, then something else if very wrong.

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 09:04

If he has been chosen by clients to be taken they obviously want him there even if it isn't compulsory so it won't look good if he drops out at this late stage. These trips might look like jollies but there is a lot of 'networking' that goes on and they are pretty important- is there no one else you can ask to help you?

expatinscotland · 05/02/2013 09:04

You're worried he'll say no? What Pan said.

tealady · 05/02/2013 09:04

Also make sure he helps as much as poss before he goes - getting shopping in, doing night shift with the non sleeping dc etc

GirlOutNumbered · 05/02/2013 09:04

I think my husband would ask me if he should stay at home, but I would let him go. I would hate him to miss out on something like the rugby. That said though I would just go and stay at my mums and enjoy being looked after. It's a shame that your parents won't help.

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