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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to hope my dh will cancel his rugby jolly this weekend?

99 replies

3monkeys3 · 05/02/2013 08:40

Dh is going to Dublin for the rugby this weekend - it is a work jolly, long organised but not compulsory. They would likely be able to fill his place and it would have no financial impact for us (or the company he works for, as they are the guests rather than hosts) regardless. It is overnight for 2 nights and 3 full days.

I have a horrible chest infection that I am really struggling to get over. I am now on my second course of antibiotics as the first lot haven't cleared it. I am looking after our 3 dc by myself while he is at work and finding it very difficult. Him going away would mean I have pretty much sole care of 3 dc (all under school age) for 2 weeks without any help or a chance to rest - youngest dc still does not sleep through the night. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. My parents live locally, but usually refuse to come if I'm unwell in fear of catching it themselves.

I wouldn't dream if asking him, but am hoping he'll reach the decision not to go by himself. Is that unreasonable/selfish? He gets plenty if jollies (he is going to away with work in March, so not long to wait till next one) and I feel like I need him.

[OP has been edited by MNHQ to protect user anonymity]

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 11:06

Some of these replies really surprise me. I don't doubt for a minute that in the long term family is the priority and if it were a serious illness then it's a different matter, but is it really most peoples view that taking 2 days off already for a partners chest infection then dropping out of a work trip (jolly or not) or worse IMO asking for 2 days holiday at short notice, is not going to harm your career in the long term, which in turn will affect the family.......?

BelaLugosisShed · 05/02/2013 11:57

It's only by men having the guts to stand up and put their families first that the situation will change in that kind of boys club workplace.
If she gets so run down she ends up in hospital with pneumonia he'll have to take more than a couple of days off.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2013 12:11

She's been sick for 2 weeks. The infection isn't clearing. If she doesn't rest she may well get pneumonia.

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 12:39

But surely all other options should be explored before taking the time off if you aren't the one who is actually ill?

Aside from the 'boys club' mentality, repeatedly have time off for family sickness can't be well accepted in the workplace and must jeopardise your career to some extent?

I just don't really understand why it is that previous generations 'just got on with it' but it is so common place now to have time off work when they may be an alternative that doesn't risk your job.

If the economy was booming, to me, it's less of a risk, but the economy is on its arse and people are being made redundant etc all the time and whilst it would never be admitted that sickness was a contributing factor in who stays and ho goes, it will come into the decision making process.

BelaLugosisShed · 05/02/2013 13:07

This isn't actually about him taking unauthorised time off at short notice, it's about him acting like a decent father and husband by not going off on a weekend jolly when his wife is sick and needs a break from taking care of 3 children .

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 13:14

But it is a work jolly and he has already taken 2 days unauthorised time off last week so his boss will know about both. I would just be afraid for my job in that situation, so would look into the options of avoiding it if it were at all possible.

Waspie · 05/02/2013 13:18

It would take something fairly major for me to give up a ticket to Lansdowne Road this weekend. This match, for any rugby fan, is hugely important. The match ups of potential Lions for a start. I'm on tenterhooks about the match already - it's practically my only conversation topic.

I wouldn't expect my DP to give up a ticket (if he was lucky enough to have one) for me for anything short of hospitalisation (and vice versa Smile )

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 13:37

OP has already said it would have no impact on his job, nor his standing at work, if he didn't go on this social jaunt so I don't understand why you keep banging on about that, bear

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 13:49

Any fucker, how can the OP possibly know that for sure?

My point, and the reason for banging on as you so eloquently put it, is that his boss clearly has a different stand point as he avoids his kids (and im not saying that is right) but if he thinks like that he is unlikely to see having time off when it could be avoided as a desirable quality in his employees.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 13:54

Bear, do you think that we should all condone that "avoid the kids, presenteeism" attitude of this bloke's boss. I don't. And i admire people, and particularly men, that make a stand against it.

I also trust this woman (the OP) to know the situation. How patronising of you to imply she does not.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 13:56

he isn't having "time off" if he doesn't go on a voluntary weekend jolly though, is he ?

he would be prioritising his family over his leisure time

I would see that as a positive, not a negative and fuck his boss, frankly

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 13:59

Any Fucker, would you please answer me two things before you call me patronising:-

Where does the OP say it wouldn't affect his standing it work? She says it wouldn't have any financial implications for him or his work as they are guests not hosts.

Secondly, can you tell me how a partner can possibly know what someone's boss thinks of them (except if your boss is your partner)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/02/2013 14:01

bear you are spouting utter bollocks.

These things are jollies pure and simple.

Yfronts · 05/02/2013 14:02

Cab your kids go to your parents for the weekend? You will need a break. I had a v bad chest infection once and I could hardly move.

Original poster
3monkeys3 · 05/02/2013 14:03

If I thought dh's job was in any danger I wouldn't dream of expecting him to have time off. He is quite senior and very successful, his boss values and supports him - I just used the example to illustrate the sort of attitudes to family that exist in the profession. He took annual leave last week, not sickness/unauthorised absence and still worked from home despite this.

OP posts:
Original poster
3monkeys3 · 05/02/2013 14:04

I know that my dh's boss thinks very highly of him because of the bonus he was paid at Christmas. Will that do bear behind?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 14:04

I answered those questions when I said I trusted the OP to know the situation wrt his job and any potential impact upon it.

I think the biggest concern with what the op is posting is that she feels she cannot ask her husband to stay home in case he says no. Not what some boss that appears to living in the 1950's thinks of him.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/02/2013 14:04

I would say that if you are worried about losing your job from taking time off to look after sick wife/dcs. theres a big problem.
And it very unlikely he will lose his job by missing on a fun trip away.

Most companies have unpaid parental leave days for that exact reason, why should people who are very ill have to struggle on and get on with it?

I am not suggesting taking time off for every cold or headache but 2 lots of antibiotics is serious, clearly the first lot didnt work and the OP needs to rest, not look after the children by herself whilst her dh watches the rugby.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 14:05

oops, cross posted with op but I think you have your answer there, bear

Bearbehind · 05/02/2013 14:13

Alibaba- thank you for your considered and well argued response, I have completely changed my views because of it- not!

Any Fucker- you think the biggest concern is one thing i think it is something else, that doesn't make make thoughts wrong.

3monkeys3- fair play on the bonus Smile

deleted203 · 05/02/2013 14:19

Agree completely with maninawomansworld. Excellent male viewpoint! My DH is lovely and kind hearted but not psychic - hints of 'cough, cough, oh goodness I feel poorly. I don't know how I'll cope this weekend' would go completely over his head. However, if I said to him, 'Darling I feel like shit and I really can't cope this weekend with the kids on my own. Will you cancel your weekend away and take over for me?' I'm pretty sure he would. You need to spell it out.

dreamingbohemian · 05/02/2013 14:21

There is no way in hell my DH would leave me alone for the weekend if i were that sick and had three young children to take care of, not unless it was literally something he would lose his job over.

If for no other reason than if god forbid you get worse and need to go to the doctor or hospital in the middle of the night, who will take care of the kids?

At the very least, he should arrange to just go over one night, or to take off a day before or after.

Fuck that macho culture bullshit. It's never going to change as long as people keep going along with it, especially if even senior and highly valued people who are not likely to get fired keep going along with it.

dreamingbohemian · 05/02/2013 14:26

And sorry but fuck that 'men aren't psychic' bullshit.

Maybe some people don't notice their partner is hacking their lungs out and dreadfully ill conveniently so, as then they don't have to go out of their way to do anything but plenty of men out there don't need to be asked to step up.

Of course people should ask if they need help but it's ridiculous to think the OP's husband can't figure out on his own that maybe it's not a good idea to go away this weekend.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 14:31

It implies a lack of respect for a man to say "oh, he's just a bloke, how do you expect him to get it unless you spell it out (in words of one syllable...?)..."

very sexist comment

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/02/2013 14:34

I would have thought 2 courses of antibiotics would be spelling it out enough for anyone, male or female?

Its not difficult is it, my OH has been ill, the first lot of ABs didnt work, this must be quite bad. Maybe I had better do something to help?

Id expect my 9 year old ds2 to work that one out by himself.