Re OH's attitude to MIL, I need some outside perspective (sorry it's v v long)

[Bearmonkeysmum]

Apologies for another MIL related threat but I have no one rl to talk to about this. Bit of backstory first to hopefully shed a bit more light on the situation.

My MIL is generally ok and although we are very different people we have always gotten on reasonably well. My OH is a but of a mummy's boy & has always said MIL comes first in his life until we have DCs when it will be me & them. Oh & mil always spent a lot of time together before we got together (tea together at least once a week, shopping etc) & since moving in together I have encouraged oh to sometimes go without me as I know how much mil likes this (we do go as a family too).

In the last 18 months we have gotten engaged, found out I was pg a few days after engagement & had our lovely ds. MIL is very funny about people finding out things before her, people being more involved in stuff than she is & not behaving in a way she sees as appropriate (although this wasn't apparent before all this). Oh supports this & is very funny about mil being equal in everything with my mum. Oh is very squeamish so I had said I wanted him in labour room & my mum on standby if he was struggling (not definitely in the room but just as backup for him). Initially he was fine but later said that my mum wasn't coming in if his couldn't. We had a massive row about it but eventually he saw my pov & was ok with it (mil not, overheard her moaning to him about it when she thought I wasn't in).

In the first 4mths of ds life it was like oh was logging every minute of time my mum spent with ds to make sure she wasn't getting more time than mil. Making lots of comments like your mums been 2x this week so mil will have to come 4x next week to make up (she was on holiday at the time & my mum had literally popped in with gifts from family abroad & a pint of milk). The keeping score thing has eased off a little since then but not much.

What has really brought it all to a head for me was christmas (I know it was a while back). I'm on smp& had saved money for Xmas gifts, so had a set budget for everyone. Oh then decides to spend more of his own money on mil (fair enough, his cash) & spent most of December going on about getting mil a special charm from the baby as he thinks as grandma she should get something nice. I said it was a lovely idea but that I couldn't afford to do anything similar for my mum although she would love something like that. Come Xmas day & after we've exchanged gifts, oh decides to make a big show oh giving mil her gift from ds (everyone else's gifts were labelled from us as a family) & really laying on thick how we thought she should get a special gift from the baby. My poor mum is sitting there smiling while mil & oh are in raptures. I could tell she was upset but she didn't say anything. I was very upset (still am tbh, hence posting here). Oh didn't get me anything from ds (I didn't expect anything) but when he saw that he realised he had stuff from ds, he quickly pointed to one of his presents to me (that I had already opened & he had said were from him) & said "oh btw, that was from ds".

Aibu to want to say actually your everything has to equal rule is bs & I'm really pissed off?

There are other things that have lead to me feeling like this but you would be losing days of your life reading them.

I love my oh, he is a great dad & fiancé but I can't shake the upset tat this causes me. I've got horrendous pmt at the moment & I don't think it's helping. I am probably overreacting here but because I'm so emotional about it all I don't feel like I can look at it objectively.

I would like your perspective please mners, I can't talk to oh as he always thinks I am attacking mil & won't listen.

Thanks & well done if you got this far.

X

Crikey OP, I echo the earlier MNer who said to grow a pair! Outrageous behaviour by your DP. Fuck that!!

Sorry. Was getting a little shrill there. But this keeping a tally of how many times his mum sees the baby, and your mum sees the baby will not end well. It really won't. It's also not totally clear to me how the family housekeeping bills are funded. As you are only on SMP, I would hope that DP is funding around 95% of what is needed. Your SMP can go into the pot, with an agreed amount for your personal expenditure (if that's how you do things), but his salary is to look after his family, not to pay for expensive unnecessary gifts for his mummy from her grandson.

When you talk to him about this load of bollocks behaviour, don't forget to mention the impact of his aggressively pro-mother behaviour on you and your own family. Family is more than just him and his Mum. It is now first and foremost, you, your DS, and your respective families. In that order. As in his Mum is joint third.

If your little chat with him does not go well, tell him very seriously that you want to go for counselling about this. He needs to understand that this deliberately hurtful behaviour is not something you will tolerate.

I love my oh, he is a great dad & fiancé

No he isn't. He's a great son, but that is where it ends. Will he continue to put his mother first? Ahead of you? What about ahead of his son?

Ask him if his own mother put her mother ahead of his father or him.

How would he feel if you put your mother ahead of him?

Personally I would find a partner like this an utterly cringeworthy mummy's boy. I'd have a really hard time trying to see him sexually IYKWIM, what if he's thinking of his mum when he's.....Oh God, don't go there...

OP - Calmly sit him down, ask him what sort of relationship he wants to have with DS. Does he want your son to be as close to him as he is to his mother?

Ask him how he's going to achieve that if he keeps pushing you away, because eventually, you will leave DP, if not physically, emotionally as you can't be treated like a second class person in your DP's life and him expect you to treat him like a priority. DS will pick up on this and probably act the same way towards DP.

I would also point out at this stage, you will not play "who has to most time with DS" with the two grans anymore. He didn't feel the need to treat your mum the same as his mum over Christmas, and he didn't even feel the need to treat you as well as he treated his mother, so you already feel she's getting the better deal. I'd say he needs to start making an effort with your mother.

Point out mothers day is coming up. As you are now the mum, he has a chance to redeem himself over his shoddy treatment of you over Christmas. I would get in early and say you've invited your mum over. He can now choose to help "DS" spoil you and treat his MIL with respect, or he can go to his mums.

You said he stated he put his DM before you before you got pregnant, and now it seems he sees her as equal to you in status and a rival with your DM over family time. He doesn't see family as something supportive but as some sort of points scoring competition - and he always has. Ideally you'd both see the vulnerability of his mother in regards to her abusive marriage as an opportunity for you as a wider family to support her and make her feel safe and happy. But he sees it as a reason to elevate her above others and play family members off against each other. This is a very bad dynamic and shows some fundamental ideas about love that will not serve you well long term. You can try "a talk" but I think you're probably going need long term family counselling to change that dynamic (if it's possible at all).

Also, and I mean this in the nicest possible way - you might want to think about solo counselling for yourself. Particularly in regard to what issues you might have that you thought getting engaged to a man who said he puts his mum before you was a good idea? Because that isn't a man who's cherishing you is it?

YANBU! I woud be so ashamed if my DS (who is only 1!) ever behaved like such a big fat baby once he's married and a father himself!

Did you marry a 5 year old? because that's how your husband is behaving. I really dont think there was any need for him to point score against your mother. Is your MIL a very insecure person? sounds like she is. I dont think she is your major problem though. Her son is being the bigger moron and needs to be sat down to spoken to about his stupid behaviour. (Hey, act like a silly child, get treated like a silly child!)

Don't marry him until you have told him he needs to put your family unit first and seen evidence that he is totally committed to doing it. He needs to make a permanent change otherwise this will drive you apart and he will run back to his mum because she will make it easy for him to do so.

So his Mum is still the most important person in his life?

OP, I felt a little bit sick by the time I got to the end of your first post. Be assured, you are not overreacting, and your feelings are not due to PMT (although what you are calling PMT might actually be due to your very dysfunctional situation).

He is not a good father, he is not a good fiancé, and he will not be a good husband. And he's probably a shit son too in the bigger scheme of things; given that his actions keep his mother and he in this distasteful relationship, instead of helping her move on with her life (he's 30, his abusive dad left early in his life so 20+ years and no new relationships for her?).

"Aibu to want to say actually your everything has to equal rule is bs & I'm really pissed off?"
No, YANBU. As has already been pointed out, his real attitude is very much 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine as well'. His mother is still the centre of his world, you and DS are on the periphery. Interesting that you describe it as a 'rule', rather than a wish or a desire or a preference?

What a cunt!

I would have hated it if my son had done that. I would have been embarrassed and humiliated that my son could be so crass. Fwiw my late dh was very verbally and emotionally abusive ( he had MS) and ds often intervened on my behalf. He was a rock in my early widowhood ( he was 17). When he married I felt that his dw was getting a decent bloke :-)

Sorry if this has been said already, I've not had chance to read all replies,

Why are you left living on SMP and unable to afford 'extras' while OH has his wage and clearly has spare cash.

I realise thy every couple has their way of organising their finances but why should you be out of pocket while you're at home raising the child you OH had as much input in making as you did??

Why is OH so childish about everything being equal. My DM is a pain for wanting to know if MIL has been, how long etc but neither me nor DH entertain it.

V.V unfair of OH to hand over 'special' present to his M without there being anything for yours. And not very nice that he got M something but not you.

Personally, I think you need to be having a little chat about things and how you see things going fom now...

There are so many fucked up things about this set up OP - the MIL, the equal time, the presents, the birth partner, making you budget out of SMP... Definitely not the actions of a good and loving husband and father.

You do need to sit him down and explain that YOU come first and if he doesn't feel that way you are better off apart. You should not be settling for second place, people live together because they are important to each other and they want to be together. It sounds like he would be happier still living with his mother. I'm sure that your mother was hurt by the suggestion that HIS mother deserved a special present, but I'm sure that if you talk to her, explain that it wasn't your idea and was not what you would have wanted, that you were just as hurt and that although you didn't have the money to spend on a gift you would prefer to spend the time with her making memories than spend money you don't have. I'm pretty sure she is going to be very worried abut you anyway, as the set up you have is not healthy.

Well of course that´s also the other thing-why couldn´t something also have been bought for OPs Mum?

If "from the baby"-why could he also have paid for that?

couldn´t!!

This is all bloody wrong.

For some reason you have been conditioned to think it's ok for you to have to save for your family out of your smp. That doesn't sit well with me..you and your dh should be spending and saving money together, not separately. I am also on maternity leave and all our money goes in a joint account, all the bills come out, we save a set amount and split the rest between us equally to spend on whatever.

His mum is ridiculously entitled. As is he.

Jesus Christ! How tedious!

Don't marry this man. It would be a terrible idea. I can't believe you stayed with him after the my mother comes first remark.

You need to have a serious talk with him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not about his mother; it's about him and how he treats you and your mother (and probably your whole family by extension). The problem is that he is behaving like a little boy. He needs to grow up, accept that he has a family of his own now and stop being a mummy's boy.

You needed to have your mother 'on standby' in case he was too squeamish to support you in labour. Instead of being embarrassed about his inability to out you first, he decided to complain that this would be leaving his mother out. He keeps a record of how much time your (retired) mother spends with you/your DS and insists that his mother gets at least the same amount of time. He makes a massive fuss of his mother at Christmas while pushing you to the side and actively seeking to alienate your mother. None of this is at all good.

Apart from anything else, he's setting a horrible example for your DS.

Tbh, therapy might be the best place to try to sort all this out. He has horrible mother issues (that a therapist will very quickly recognise) and he needs to address these or things will never get better.

hi Op ! I have similar with my MIL although not in extreme circumstances. I sort of agree with miggsie with the counciling as his urge to please his mother is'nt healthy.
My DP has all ways made it clear that i come befoe MIL but she has had a good try proving otherwise...demanding to be present at out impending arrival,asking if my DM will be there (to make sure she she has her place) we are not even gonna call her when i go in to labour.
My MIL split with her abusive husband and is all ways on the edge and is very needy,manipulative but can be an absolute angel.
This leads my DP to feel guilty at times about her. This xmas she said she wanted vouchers then it was just give me the cash ( which i hate!) but then asked if we could get her something to open as well so she didnt feel left out!

I had budgeted for every thing even my DMs but MIL ended up with with lots of prezzies to open as DP couldnt stop buying for her THEN the cash in an envelope. She was like a child tearing her wrapping off then looking at every one elses. Then actually said she thought the gift i had bought my DM was for her as thats what she had wanted....She had actually had triple what my DM had got and was STILL put out!

I think you need to sit down and tell him this is eating away at you and how its made you feel. I would go to my parents for a while until he decided what it was he wanted or if he could see it from your veiw. I think the measurment of time that your mother spends with yout baby is a red flag and so help may needed.

good luck hun, i know its not an easy one xx

Ask him how he might feel if in the future his DS wants nothing to do with him because he's also a mummies boy.

Sorry, but he isn't a good fiance if he puts his mother first. If my husband had got arsey about his mother being in the delivery room (possibly the most intimate and vulnerable moment of a woman's life) I would have told him where he could shove his engagement ring. There are much wiser women on here who can offer practical advice on what to say/do, but I'm furious on your behalf. HE sounds like a class A prat.

When he whinges about the time his mum gets etc i would be tempted to mimic him in a big fucking baby voice!

"waa waa waa my mummy only got two hours and your mummy got three hours waa waa waa Im a big fucking child!"

But them Im mature and tactful like that.

It reminds me of kids when they complain that the other kid got more chocolate than them.

As for trying to force you into having someone else in the delivery room looking up your fanjo

Is he that petty and competitive about everything? How the fuck do you respect him?

I hope you explained what was going on to your mum.

"He is a fantastic son, mediocre father, poor husband and dreadful son in law."

Totally agree, I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about his priorities.

This thread is one of the rare cases on MN where people are unanimous in their shock and disapproval.

My Grandmother very carefully explained to my MIL that she could lose a son, or gain a daughter. She laid out the consequences of each, eg. contact with grandchildren etc. How much son would resent her if she broke up the marriage. We haven't seen her for years, her choice.

Oh God! I didn't notice the whole thing about your Mother being on standby at the birth because he's squeamish! Poor widdle puddin!
Op, he sounds like a complete dick. Please tell him as such. Yabvu to put up with this shit. Your poor Mother!

"For some reason you have been conditioned to think it's ok for you to have to save for your family out of your smp. That doesn't sit well with me..you and your dh should be spending and saving money together, not separately."

Just read the poster above - are you financing your ML alone?!