Re OH's attitude to MIL, I need some outside perspective (sorry it's v v long)

[Bearmonkeysmum]

Apologies for another MIL related threat but I have no one rl to talk to about this. Bit of backstory first to hopefully shed a bit more light on the situation.

My MIL is generally ok and although we are very different people we have always gotten on reasonably well. My OH is a but of a mummy's boy & has always said MIL comes first in his life until we have DCs when it will be me & them. Oh & mil always spent a lot of time together before we got together (tea together at least once a week, shopping etc) & since moving in together I have encouraged oh to sometimes go without me as I know how much mil likes this (we do go as a family too).

In the last 18 months we have gotten engaged, found out I was pg a few days after engagement & had our lovely ds. MIL is very funny about people finding out things before her, people being more involved in stuff than she is & not behaving in a way she sees as appropriate (although this wasn't apparent before all this). Oh supports this & is very funny about mil being equal in everything with my mum. Oh is very squeamish so I had said I wanted him in labour room & my mum on standby if he was struggling (not definitely in the room but just as backup for him). Initially he was fine but later said that my mum wasn't coming in if his couldn't. We had a massive row about it but eventually he saw my pov & was ok with it (mil not, overheard her moaning to him about it when she thought I wasn't in).

In the first 4mths of ds life it was like oh was logging every minute of time my mum spent with ds to make sure she wasn't getting more time than mil. Making lots of comments like your mums been 2x this week so mil will have to come 4x next week to make up (she was on holiday at the time & my mum had literally popped in with gifts from family abroad & a pint of milk). The keeping score thing has eased off a little since then but not much.

What has really brought it all to a head for me was christmas (I know it was a while back). I'm on smp& had saved money for Xmas gifts, so had a set budget for everyone. Oh then decides to spend more of his own money on mil (fair enough, his cash) & spent most of December going on about getting mil a special charm from the baby as he thinks as grandma she should get something nice. I said it was a lovely idea but that I couldn't afford to do anything similar for my mum although she would love something like that. Come Xmas day & after we've exchanged gifts, oh decides to make a big show oh giving mil her gift from ds (everyone else's gifts were labelled from us as a family) & really laying on thick how we thought she should get a special gift from the baby. My poor mum is sitting there smiling while mil & oh are in raptures. I could tell she was upset but she didn't say anything. I was very upset (still am tbh, hence posting here). Oh didn't get me anything from ds (I didn't expect anything) but when he saw that he realised he had stuff from ds, he quickly pointed to one of his presents to me (that I had already opened & he had said were from him) & said "oh btw, that was from ds".

Aibu to want to say actually your everything has to equal rule is bs & I'm really pissed off?

There are other things that have lead to me feeling like this but you would be losing days of your life reading them.

I love my oh, he is a great dad & fiancé but I can't shake the upset tat this causes me. I've got horrendous pmt at the moment & I don't think it's helping. I am probably overreacting here but because I'm so emotional about it all I don't feel like I can look at it objectively.

I would like your perspective please mners, I can't talk to oh as he always thinks I am attacking mil & won't listen.

Thanks & well done if you got this far.

X

My STBXH and his mother are like this - she was always SO upset if I put my mother first. If I had a photo of dd and my mum up, she would try to insist I had to even it out with one of her and dd she gave me etc. When dd started talking and would say 'Mummy' - MIL would ALWAYS say "yes, darling?" then laugh and say something to the effect of how she was an extension of her own child and she thought of her as her daughter.
It will not get better unless you are really strong about this.

OP - similarish situation with my friend's DH.... very protective of his mother as it was just them growing up. She is driving my friend absolutely bonkers... friends DH is brill as long as his mother isn't pulling the strings.

if you said to him "you need to cut the apron strings" just how mad crazy do you think he'd be? There, that tells you what you need to know! he is being a massive baby & not putting you first - enough already!

Good grief, sans the baby this could have been written about my ex. His mum used to insist on washing and ironing his shirts (oh yes, only his shirts wtf) despite the fact we'd lived on our own for four years. She would control and manipulate whatever she could so she was the center of attention, and ex would back her up over everything.

I don't miss him, or her!!

ive had to come back to this becuase i just think its so uttrely odd.

i do not understand how he was so oblivious to hurting your mums feelings - thats just odd - why did he not care?

also odd - is the xmas present money thing.

If both of you were drowning who would he save .. ask him ...

He is a fantastic son, mediocre father, poor husband and dreadful son in law.

Everything has to be equal would be a fairer rule than what you have right now. What you have is MIL first, everyone else second.

He's sounds like a complete cock. He is controlling about money, when the baby sees anyone else but his mummy and he's goddam rude and insensitive. I couldn't share my life with somebody like that.

He needs to shape up or fuck off ship out as the saying goes.

Have not read all replies but am firmly with HollyBerryBush - you come first. Boys leave home and become men. Men have partners. Partners trump mother. It's the way it is supposed to be and I always think it a bit weird when it's not. Don't get me wrong a man respecting his mum is great. A man putting his mum before partner a no no.

Also you need unfettered uncompetitive access to your mum-especially after you've had a baby. My MIL great but not the same as having my own mum around. Tell
DH that your mum is there for you and fulfilling role that his mum can't so tough. I'd also be tempted to raid joint funds to buy your mum a special present from the baby.

Hard to handle because on face of it him loving his mum not unreasonable but being insensitive to your needs and that of your family is out of order and you should feel confident to challenge him.

I've never ever felt in competition with any other female and my DP. I would hate to feel so.

You ADNBU and he needs to totally alter his world view: imagine if the Xmas days roles had been reversed- ask him what HIS reaction and HIS MOTHER'S reaction would have been.

I've been in a similar but different situation recently that's involved two different sides of a family.

The attitude from the others seems to have been 'what's yours is ours. what's mine is mine' - very keen to share when it suits them (ie to take something from us), but fiercely guarding what they think is theirs (ie when expected to share some of their stuff back in the opposite direction).

Seems that this applies very well here - when it's convenient dh is all about sharing and being overly fair to his benefit. But when it involves any effort or outlay on his behalf then he conveniently forgets and it's all about him and mil. alone but with mil.

good luck trying to sort this out with him - needs to be done as it will only get worse otherwise. And yes, definitely hope that he is not expecting you to be putting the same amount of money into the household pot while you are on maternity leave and that he is putting more in to make up the difference!!! Definitely a red flag that he hasn't got his head around how things should be between the two of you in a loving relationship with a baby added into the mixture...

Bloody hell, the set up sounds like a nightmare.

You and the baby come first, that's how it should be. No real help, but I think if it was me, id be saying something everytime he puts her first. Even in front of her. It's ridiculous

Omg. Nightmare. I have two boys. Going to get a hobby and a dog when they grow up lol. My mil used to try and pump for info about how often I saw my mum but I just didn't cave. It was of no interest to her before I had kids so why after? What annoys me about these situations is we are very vulnerable after having babies and people play on the, esp grandparents and sometimes partners. In some ways it's nice that your hub wants be fair to mil but this taking it way too far!

He was willing to put his mother's need to feel "included" above your need to have a supportive birth partner in labour? What. A. Cunt.

I think you have partly accepted that this is "the way things are". He is really not treating you very well.

Also, it's not pmt and you're not overreacting.

Bloody hell, the set up sounds like a nightmare.

You and the baby come first, that's how it should be. No real help, but I think if it was me, id be saying something everytime he puts her first. Even in front of her. It's ridiculous

Clearly he is a fuckwit with a mother complex. This you will need to sort or getrid.

however the money thing.

You are a soon to be married couple with a child together you are a Team. TOGETHER. There is only one Christmas budget. There is no HIS and MY family only OUR family. And if you can afford it for one mother you AS A FAMILY UNIT you can afford it for both. END OF DISSCUSSION. They are not "my nephews and nieces". They are "OUR nephews and nieces" and so on.

So to sum it up he is a selfish, financially controlling, mummies boy with little or no empathy or loyalty to you. And his good points were...

Wow, OP please note how most of the stories people recount mention their EX partners/husbands!

I could not stand things being the way they are for you, it would drive me mad.

You need to have a word with him and if things don't improve just ignore the point-scoring, and go visit your mum if you want to, and if he wants to even things up, let him do the visits to his mum with DS. In short, do things how you want to, don't be bullied by them.

Your relationship with your mum is still important, and her being upset on Christmas Day is unacceptable.

If he is really so keen on things being equal, tell him you will be making a big display of giving your mum a gift in front of his mother some time in the future, as its only fair! See what he thinks of that. If he objects, ask him why the hell he thinks its ok the other way round.

The really do seem really insular without any empathy for other people.

I'm angry for you!

Oh op, this has made me a but sad tbh.
I really don't have anything constructive to add tbh, other posters have given good advice already.
Your dh sounds like an absolute twat tbh but I know that's not helpful or constructive.
I get gifts for my mum and aunty( who is like a second mum to ds) from places that make small, handmade things such as wooden hearts or starts and angels. For Xmas I got then a key ring which had "ds's name aunty and ds's name nana. They were less than a fiver each and they loved them.
A friend of a friend makes lovely handmade wooden gifts, I've got hanging hearts with quotes on, cath kidston printed hearts etc. all very personal and all really lovely and not expensive at all.
I think you should spk to your mum about how you are feeling, and definitely tell dh it is not acceptable.
Good luck x

And also how dare he spend such time and effort on a special gift for his mother but not one for you??

Oh dear.

You have had a baby for your OH and his mum. Your just the vessel in between for the baby to be expelled from.

We have MIL issues in our house and we would catagorically NOT be together now if my DH hadnt stood by me.

Bloody hell OP, you are a saint not to have given him a bloody great bollocking over the complete lack of thought on Christmas Day.

Never mind the insensitivity of the one-up -man-ship in his present to his Mum, what about you; the Mother of his child!

This need of his to put her first is a recipe for future domestic disaster.

Not sure how you deal with it if you are pissed off as the apron strings are made of cast bloody iron and will be hard to break, good luck.

By the way, you most definitely are not unreasonable, good luck!

It doesn't sound like a pretty picture.

Apart from those controlling things, do you get support from MIL with the baby, or is it all about her feeling and what she gets out of having the baby around?

Is there any way you could maybe talk to MIL directly, tell her to chill her boots a little and back off?

YANBU.

Oh dear, this is just dreadful.

Your other half is an over protective son, but he certainly cannot be a good dad or a good partner - because he's never seen one in action. His own dad was abusive so he has twisted his entire caring into protecting his mother to the point it is extremely unhealthy.

He has no idea how to be a partner or dad and it won't get better any time soon - he is so focussed on his mother.

Unless your other half gets therapy you are in for a really crap time of being last in the pecking order here - and the fact your OH can't see this is really worrying.

I don't see this working out well - especially when your OH starts telling his child to respect his mum and ignore you - you will become a skivvy. This will happen I'm afraid - your child will be taught his granny is more improtant htan you.

Sadly I think your OH will become an abuser himself, as he has no idea how to run a normal adult relationship.