Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ttc if I think I will abort if the HG sets in again?

506 replies

ICBINEG · 04/02/2013 17:26

So DH and I have conceived immediately on two occasions, one early miscarriage and one birth. I had hideous soul destroying sickness almost all of the way through pregnancy. We are beginning to start thinking about having another child, but I feel almost certain I couldn't go through another pregnancy like the last one. My understanding of HG is that it is unlikely to strike twice (although you are slightly more likely to get it if you had it before) and that each pregnancy may be fine or not.

So is it unreasonable to ttc if I think I might abort due to HG?

If we conceive and then I get horribly sick is it unreasonable to abort and try again?

Given we would only ever have one more child and seem to be able to conceive at will this might be more a case of choosing to bring to term the baby that doesn't make me horrendously sick for 9 months rather than wasting life etc.

I'm not sure I can really buy into that argument though....

(ps. if you are of the never abort under any circumstances camp then please don't bother posting...I know that opinion exists and am not in the slightest bit swayed by it. I am interested in hearing from other with grey zone opinions on abortion as to which side of their personal line this falls).

OP posts:
GetOrf · 05/02/2013 14:22

And X posts but totally agree with greythorne and northerlurker - excellent posts.

Original poster
ICBINEG · 05/02/2013 14:55

kindle I have tried...really I have...I have seen several counsellors privately (the NHS counselling I got fr PND was a total joke). But I have just ended up feeling like the person I used to be is just gone. At some point I have to be satisfied with being who I am now rather than keep striving after a possibly unattainable goal.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICBINEG · 05/02/2013 15:01

The more recent posters saying that I shouldn't ttc if I can't stick the HG, I could understand that if it was more likely than not that I would suffer HG again, but the best stats on the thread for a second pregnancy say I have a 4:5 chance of being fine.

Should I really avoid ttc when there is an 80% chance I won't even have to think about aborting?

Is having an abortion really such a terrible thing that a 1:5 chance of having to think about doing it makes it not worth trying for a second baby?

OP posts:
Moknicker · 05/02/2013 15:10

OP - havent read the whole thread but thought I would share my experience because I was in the same position as you. Conceived easily, debilitating HG with first pregnancy, considered abortion - the only reason i didnt do it was that i was too sick to do anything by myself. Wanted to miscarry/die etc. Know how you feel. After DD was born I woke up the next day and my first thought was not - ive got a lovely baby but I dont feel sick anymore - WOW.

Was approaching 40 so deceided to try for no2. Got pregnant quickly and HG hit at 6 weeks. However, it was better the second time for me as I was much much better prepared - both mentally and physically

  • Got the medication (FWIW) right at the beginning
  • I already knew the one thing i could sort of face which was miniscule quantities of ice cold lime juice
  • I had a great nanny who could look after DD - this was particularly important - the smell of DD ( that milky smell) made me throw up. I would literally cover my nose and hold her for about 5 minutes.
  • I was on maternity leave still with DD and not working

If you are going to ttc then you need to give yourself a good chance of success with HG as the chances are you will have it again. While I am pro-choice multiple abortions can be good for you both mentally or physically and the goal should be to try and avoid it.

I read a bit where you compared the abortions decision to someone who would abort if they had a Down's syndrome child. I think if you told someone with a Down's syndrome foetues that if they went through absolute hell for 9 months they would have a healthy baby - quite a few people would do it.

So if I were you, I would only ttc again once more and not more than that if:

  • Mentally I was able to say this is my best shot
  • I had help with DD and other aspects of running a house
  • You dont have to work at least for the first 4 months ( i had to take sick leave for my first pregnancy)

Good luck OP. I know how you feel and how isolating it is.

I would NEVER go through this again.

Moknicker · 05/02/2013 15:11

Sorry - wanted to add that you do have the out of an abortion but once I did that due to the HG I wouldnt ttc again.

Original poster
ICBINEG · 05/02/2013 15:21

champy thanks for explaining about the difference between choosing eggs and choosing pregnancies. I do see where you are coming from.

As I said at some point I didn't think of the baby as a baby until it could survive without me. At some point in between weeks 23 and 24 it became a baby in my head.

Of course the HG might have been responsible in part for me thinking of it as an evil resource guzzling sick inducing parasite before that point. I actually hated the thought that this tiny bundle of cells was subverting my own body and had such a huge degree of control over me. It felt like being possessed. First I lost all ability to walk up steps, then it affected sleep, then I started with the endless puking (I think a particularly low point was when in hospital I managed to pull out the final dregs of my sympathy for the proto-baby and asked if all this vomiting and ketone producing was hurting it and the doctors all reassured me glibly that ohhhh no the baby is fine and always gets what it needs out of the arrangement. The illness is only affecting you) then we started in with the SPD.

I think I had expected pregnancy to feel like a collaboration with the baby. It would do it's bits and I would do mine. In fact it was a hostile take over that left me a discarded shell at the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICBINEG · 05/02/2013 15:30

mok yes I already decided I would not abort and try again. It makes no sense as the odds of HG for the 2nd attempt would have skyrocketed.

Obviously the case with genetic disorders is different as you are aborting due to the health of the child rather than the mother. But I am not sure how very much more the health of the child is worth than the health of the mother. Clearly peoples views on abortion vary from if the mother dies so be it as long as the child is given every possible chance to live, to if the mother changes their mind at term they should still have the right to abort.

I would suggest that aborting because the mother is in danger of long term mental health issues is not at the massively pro-choice end of the scale...but plenty on here disagree.

There is a whole swathe of people who would not have children at all if they had followed the rule of "don't ttc if there is any chance you might find you do not wish to continue the pregnancy".

Is it pro-life to prevent vast swathes of people from even attempting to have children?

OP posts:
Original poster
ICBINEG · 05/02/2013 15:32

Must stop posting essays. I am so glad to not be having to think about this while talking to DH about having more kids. It's too complex to try include someone else's desires and needs in the mix.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 15:41

I hope that this thread has got things straighter in your mind, before you talk to your DH

Original poster
ICBINEG · 05/02/2013 15:43

definitely! For one thing I know I am absolutely categorically not ready to contemplate ttc.

It will give me the confidence when we discuss it to know it isn't the right time for me even if it is for him and arguably for DD. although that makes me sad.

OP posts:
AmandaPayne · 05/02/2013 15:47

Yes, but it is far easier for the time to be 'right' for a man in many ways. It is not his body which is affected. It is normally not his working life that is put on hold (if you are WOH) or his every day world that changes (for both WOH and SAH mothers).

Do try and be gentle on yourself. You are acting as a good and responsible mother by getting this stuff straight. You would be doing a potential baby no favours by rushing things.

ethelb · 05/02/2013 15:51

I would suggest that aborting because the mother is in danger of long term mental health issues is not at the massively pro-choice end of the scale...but plenty on here disagree.

No it is not.That is the reason 98% of abortions are carried out in this country. Twas on Panorama last night.

givemeaname · 05/02/2013 15:52

On the other hand if I felt I could conceive again almost immediately....well it is a case of choosing which of the many children I could have actually gets a chance.
Utterly disgusting attitude!!
Im lost for words (actually i am not lost for words, im just chosing not the write them because i would be surely get deleted!)

givemeaname · 05/02/2013 16:01

I am very glad they thought the end product made up for process of getting it
Product??? its not a fucking product! its a child! a life! YOUR child.
You certainly dont come across very maternal, i would question why you want another child.

EasilyBored · 05/02/2013 16:04

Oh do piss off givemeaname, try reading the whole thread before you burst a blood vessel spewing that amount of bile (quite amusing on a thread about HG...)

givemeaname · 05/02/2013 16:18

Easilybored I have read the whole thread and still come to same conculsion.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 16:44

givemeaname OP has concluded that those statements you are quoting are not the mindset she is going to proceed with in this horrid dilemma

IneedAsockamnesty · 05/02/2013 16:47

Are the people on these threads who think HG is just quite bad sickness the same utter knobs who bleat stuff like that in real life?

You cannot just decide you have HG because you feel a bit sick or you have dreadful morning sickness.

A docter has to dx it and that dx is based on tangible medical tests,if you do not require actual medical treatment for it then you do not have it.

Normal or even bad morning sickness does not come with a risk of still birth or MC it does not Come with the risk of a ruptured esophagus or liver failure or coma or even death. It will not require you to be tube fed and it highly unlikely to cause you to end up in intensive care.

IneedAsockamnesty · 05/02/2013 16:49

its not a fucking product! its a child! a life! YOUR child.
You certainly dont come across very maternal, i would question why you want another child.

Oh do fuck off

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 16:52

HQ ...time to reconsider locking the thread yet ?

TENDTOprocrastinate · 05/02/2013 16:59

I don't know how stats are gathered. However Most of the people I know who had hg had it with subsequent pregnancies too. I had it with both my dds. I left a 5 year gap as couldn't consider going through it again for a long time. There were times when i felt so hideously ill that iI secretly hoped I'd miscarry (I find this hard to admit). Once pregnant you may feel that abortion is just not an option (I felt it wasn't)

I would like another child one day but I don't think I could go through hg again so I can't risk it.

hhhhhhh · 05/02/2013 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor · 05/02/2013 17:35

I agree, AF. The OP has benefited from the advice she has received so far. It would be better to lock this thread and she can start another in antenatal choices if she wants to discuss this without all the hyperbole.

KindleMum · 05/02/2013 18:06

I'm very sorry that counselling hasn't helped you. I think it's awful that the HG is still controlling your life, I was luckier than that in that I put it straight behind me. In fact, I woke up from the EMCS thinking yay! I don't feel sick! Being able to keep a glass of water down was amazing. Out of curiosity, have your friends generally been "lucky" with pregnancy? Sometimes, that makes a difference to how we respond to things as it's only natural to compare ourselves to others. 2 of my closest friends can't have children and would love to, one is infertile and the other had a very botched delivery which almost killed her and resulted in an emergency hysterectomy. I know either of those would genuinely accept an HG pregnancy if it meant they could have children. Possibly being close to that has made me feel better about having had bad pregnancies.

There are at least 2 of us on this thread who found the second HG preg easier to handle mentally than the first - because we were not taken by surprise mainly I think. Unlike you, to me they've been my babies from the first moment I knew but with the first, I did feel that the baby hated me and was trying to kill me. I never had that feeling second time round. I don't think you're at all ready mentally to ttc but in the future if you are, then maybe you will also find it easier the second time.

I'm not sure if you feel better or worse when you hear from those of us who've been ok after, but if you need to continue this debate off the boards with people who've had it, feel free to message me.

LynetteScavo · 05/02/2013 19:30

ethelb, that is the reason 98% of woman give (or are told to give by prefessionals) for wanting an abortion, because it is one of the criteria under which abortions can legally be performed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread