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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think is this is not embarrassing?

155 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 16:56

Ignoring all the background because I can't move until we 'win' a council house, so I can't just leave.

Both dds at a party, which I assume was planned for weeks. I was told about it yesterday. I was at work at teatime, essay writing, dog walking and dryer fixing at lunchtime.

Dd2's only pair of tights that match her dress have a hole in the crotch, only the crotch. |I only noticed this hole when I was getting her dressed. Her dress covers the crotch. She has clean knickers on, the same colour as the tights. Had she had other tights I would have gave her them, but she doesn't, so she wore the holey ones. There are no holes in the leg, only the crotch. She is 6 so she is not inclined to go around with her skirt above her head.

She has told DH about the rip on the way to the party. He is 'mortified' and 'feels like he can't go now' I am 'not a proper a mother' and 'want our children to be scruffy' his family will 'all be talking about us'

AIBU to think he needs to get a fucking grip and stop allowing our children to be near his family if they'd honestly make dd2 feel bad about a hole in some tights (which they wouldn't)?

OP posts:
Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 21:34

Where do I go then? With no money. What should happen to my child's cat?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 03/02/2013 21:34

Being on a waiting list is just waiting. Potentially for a long time.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 21:36

I had a family support worker who advised and helped me apply for the council house.

I will call WA in the morning but I don't see what they can offer that the FSW could not.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 21:37

Those of you banging on about the op leaving with nowhere to go no money and fuck the animals probably have very little concept of the OAP's actual available options.

Often in suituations like this its not always the decent parent and the kids who need to leave and doing so is not the only option.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 03/02/2013 21:38

Fucking call Women's Aid. You're not the first unemployed wife who needed to get away from an abusive asshole. Nobody is saying it will be easy, but you can do it.

And fuck the cat. Maybe you'll be able to take it with you. Maybe you'll be able to leave it with a friend until you're in a better place and your daughter can visit it. Maybe the cat will need to go to sleep and take a trip to kitty heaven. Your daughter would be devastated, yes. But, pets die. That's a normal part of life. It is NOT a normal part of life to be emotionally abused by one's father.

TheSecondComing · 03/02/2013 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 21:41

Katy,your talking rubbish a person whose housing is dependant on a relationship that is over is considered to be either homeless or vulnerably housed, that means she's perfectly entitled to be on the waiting list.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 03/02/2013 21:41

sockreturningpixie, I'm not saying she has to get rid of the animals. I'm saying that they're no excuse for staying. The OP keeps bringing them up like they're an issue.

Maybe there are other options, but all the OP has said is that she's on a list for a council house.

DOinMeCleanin, maybe WA can't do much for you. But, they might be able to. They might be able to bump you up the list a bit. They might have some legal advice so that you can stay in your home.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 21:44

I have no idea why I would be given a home, but I have points on system that allow me to bid for a new home, so someone, somewhere, must think I am entitled to one. I assume the people running our council housing system knows the ins and outs of it better than I do. The FSW who helped fill in the forms, most probably also has a clue, since housing is what she specialised in.

OP posts:
Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 21:45

What options TSC?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 21:50

No she's not,she's trying to minimise the disruption to her children and avoid having to leave there pets.

As far as shes said she's not experiencing actual violence, her children love there dad who just so happens to be a twat.

Woman's aid would also agree she is making a perfectly valid choice and is taking steps to change the suituation.as would most respected domestic abuse groups/ charity's/ intervention partnerships.

The only thing it appears she hasn't done that she should have is obtained decent legal advice.

Her DH sounds like he's critical and bullying enough do you think its really helpful if you do it as well?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 03/02/2013 21:52

Dooin, if you need space to study during the day when the girls are at school, you can come to my house and be more than welcome. I can't take in the cat and dogs cos I'm allergic :( but if your cat gets on with others OK, my neighbour probably would take FatCat for a while - she has several already and dotes on every one for miles around. I can ask her.
I live near the Travellers, and I mean this sincerely - if you need a place to study, or even somewhere to store "stuff" while you're waiting to move out, LET ME KNOW and I will help. We have some space in the garage to put stuff if it's well wrapped against damp.
Oh and Katy what on earth makes you think Dooin is unemployed? She is the one with the job in her family, and she works bloody long hours to support them, with no thanks from her so called DH.

TheSecondComing · 03/02/2013 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BehindLockNumberNine · 03/02/2013 21:53

Those of you saying get rid of the pets - have you stopped to consider how the dd's would feel about that?
Getting rid of the pets would traumatise them, for life.

There would be no getting over that! Getting rid of the pets (setting them on fire, really? FFS!) would be worse than patiently biding time until the whole family can be rehoused. Together. To build a new life. You can not build a new life if that life is built on the killing of the pets. Well some of you perhaps could, but I could not!
The whippy dog belongs to Doins dd1. The cat to dd2. But sure, getting rid of them would not at all be traumatic Hmm

Doin, you are doing the right thing. Could your parents put up with devil dog for a while whilst you find a rented house (whippy would class as a cat, easier to find a house with two cats Wink )

defineme · 03/02/2013 21:53

I would give the cat to my friend, the frog and the fish to my other friend and the dog to my mum. But if I didn't have these options I would give the animals to the RSPCA and I would lie to my dd saying they were poorly and had to go away. I love animals I really really do, but my dc come first every single time. Who would you save in a fire? I really don't know. This will fuck them up for life you know.

Can't believe you'd post that your dd is crying in bed...Sad

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 21:54

What are my options TSC?

That's very, very kind of you Pom. DH works during the day, so I am able to study then.

OP posts:
Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 21:58

The RSPCA no longer take in animals from the general public defineme.

My parents would have Whippy, but not Devil Dog because my mum is scared of him and tries to eat their smaller pets.

Dd1 is staying at grans tomorrow now, so is happy. It's just me that is left to suffer now. I have college things tomorrow night, so cannot rearrange my night. DH knew that, which is why he has done this.

OP posts:
KatyTheCleaningLady · 03/02/2013 22:00

I'm not seriously suggesting that anybody set a pet on fire. Of course not. That was hyperbole to get across that I really don't think pets are as important as people. I disagree that waiting to get everyone moved together to a new house is most important. If the daughter is going to bed crying because her father emotionally abuses her, then that's really, really, really awful. That's going to fuck her up way worse than having to let the cat go somewhere else.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 22:03

Yes, but leaving the pets aside, where do I go with no money Katy? My wages are spent three days after I get paid on food, school dinner money and other child related expense. I have no savings to access.

OP posts:
Globular · 03/02/2013 22:04

I can't speak for TSC but this bit No Fliss, I need a council house to keep the dogs with me. Only one private LL allows dogs in this town and he notorious for renting out shitholes and then refusing to do repairs. made it sound like if it weren't for your pets, you'd have other options.

I'm not judging you by the way (have no idea of your backstory and wouldn't presume to know what the best course of action would be) but that struck me as saying there were other potential options.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 03/02/2013 22:06

I don't know, to be honest. I can understand that it may be very hard to find a place. I hope that a council house comes available for you. I'm not sure how the pets even factor into that.

I hope your family is able to help you somehow. Perhaps with additional childcare so that you can get a second job.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 22:07

Well, there are if I had money, there are private rented, but I don't have money. There is an assured bond scheme I can apply to, but that has limited funds and only a small number of LLs who accept it. There is no guarantee I would get it because we are not homeless or at risk of being made homeless.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 22:22

Again op, you need to also get some decent housing advice, you are vulnerably housed due to the house being your DH's and you no longer wishing to remain in a relationship with him.

IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 22:25

And having pets is a recognised challenge to housing even amongst those who are experancing physical abuse.

Original poster
D0oinMeCleanin · 03/02/2013 22:30

That's what the FSW said and she told me my best option would be to apply for a council house, which we did.

I will see CAB tomorrow. They do their housing advise clinic on a Monday morning.

OP posts: