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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think my ex is an absolute fucking bastard of the first order

216 replies

11Plustrauma · 02/02/2013 19:07

DD got her 11plus results today. She did really very well for her, put in a load of effort, and will get in to a grammar school. Just not the one he wants.

He said, in front of her, "Shit. I'm disappointed".

She has howled all day and it will take a great deal to pick her up again.

He is a bastard, yes or no?

[NOTE FROM MNHQ: Although we're sure it was meant as a joke, we have edited the thread title and OP to remove some beyond-the-pale violent imagery. Some subsequent posts making reference to the same imagery have also been deleted.]

OP posts:
Original poster
11Plustrauma · 03/02/2013 13:07

And the reason for going to see her current head is to make sure that she knows my stance so that the ex can't misrepresent him going in demanding that "something will have to be done" as coming from me as well.

OP posts:
firstpost · 03/02/2013 13:13

Hum, I was coached for my 12 plus, not privately but endless practise papers with mum and dad. I got the result they wanted and ended up in one of the "best" grammar schools in the country.

BUT, it was the most miserable time of my life. Being bottom of the top 10% is an extremely hard place to be, as a result of feeling like such a total failure I rebelled and ended up leaving school with very little. Really messed up their league table result that year :) My parents were only trying to do their best for me but I would never ever coach a child of mine to pass.

twentythirteen · 03/02/2013 13:18

YABU (ducks) in the title of your thread, it's a serious over reaction. If a man had written an equivelently titled thread I would be horrified. Can you imagine...

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 03/02/2013 13:21

twentythirteen - you are of course entitled to your opinion. Smile.

Can I just ask - have you ever dealt with a young child who has "failed" the 11 plus? And been told that their father is disappointed?

OP posts:
ConferencePear · 03/02/2013 13:32

You are absolutely right to be furious with your ex BUT
Try not to let her see how cross you are. Concentrate on how well she has done and how good it will be at the new school.
Somehow you need to let her see that he has a problem not her.
She has done well and should be proud of herself. How did her friends do - maybe you can find someone there who will be supportive ?

CecilyP · 03/02/2013 13:38

twenty-thirteen, I doubt if OP is seriously going to do that - it wouldn't help her DD to have her mum in jail!

OP, thanks for clarifying about visiting the schools. I think it is a good idea to visit the school that DD will be likely to go to. I wouldn't say too much about your DD being upset, just that she didn't think she was going to this school and, now that she is, you'd now like to have a look - pretty much like any open day, really. Perhaps if you can then emphasise the positives, your DD won't be so uneasy or upset.

I can also understand your wanting to go in and put your point of view to your current school, so that the head knows your stance before your ex goes in all guns blazing.

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 03/02/2013 13:41

Oh I have no intention of actually doing him any harm, I was having a rant. I was and still am, very very cross indeed with him.

OP posts:
Veritate · 03/02/2013 13:43

I am disappointed in him. I thought he was a decent father with a bit of a blind spot when it came to academic results. I was wrong. It has shaken my view of him to the core and I don't think it will ever recover from this.

Exactly. I suggest you make sure you tell him that, and also that his daughter is more than disappointed in him.

You are also absolutely right to go for the school that feels right for DD, not for the academic hothouse. We made a similar decision for our DD - because she's very shy, we went for a smaller, more nurturing school where she wouldn't be overwhelmed by pressure and would be encouraged to develop her talents. When it came to GCSEs, her results were actually well above the average for the hothouse school which we had rejected.

digerd · 03/02/2013 13:48

My sis's 2 boys were so different, ds1 was needy and sensitive . DC 2 very laid back, but with no ambition. DS 1 failed the 11+ and DS2 passed with flying colours. But disappointed my sis as he was "lazy", in her words.
Now they are both in their 30s . DS 2 weathers every storm as is the same happy go lucky laid back person - still with no ambition.
DS1, however, went off the rails in his teenage years. Never worked, always drunk and smoked weed. He has kicked the drink, but now chain smokes. Ds2 never needed drugs, drink or nicotine to make him feel good/relaxed, he was like that by nature.

twentythirteen · 03/02/2013 13:51

I did assume you meant the title to be figurative! I still would be horrified to see a similarly figurative title written against a woman's body. And I have dealt with similar contexts. And we all of us need a place to express our anger, hence my ducking out again!

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 03/02/2013 13:55

twentythirteen - I am sorry if I have offended you. I'm really not sure how but obviously what I have written you have found offensive and for that I apologise.

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twentythirteen · 03/02/2013 14:01

I shouldn't have posted really, I normally don't, this is your place to get some support. I'm not offended just was a bit taken aback. (now really am ducking back out, good luck with your oh and dd)

Punkatheart · 03/02/2013 16:39

I want this - created by the divinely named FairyHanny - for a t-shirt:

'And the fleas of a thousand camels to his underpant for all eternity'

Onwards and upwards to all the women (and children) let down by husbands and fathers. THEY are the ones who have disappointed their families.

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 04/02/2013 06:56

I am going in to see her cursing head hopefully this morning and going to ring the prObable new school to arrange to go and see them.

I know the current head has a very high opinion of dd. and I hope that the new school won't mind me looking around and won't mark me out as one of those mothers.

I haven't slept. I feel massively teary. Why? I don't know why.

Ignore me I'm rambling.

OP posts:
Original poster
11Plustrauma · 04/02/2013 07:01

Current head. Autocorrect fail.

On phone. Sorry

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 04/02/2013 08:07

I thought for a moment that her head teacher was cursing too - which made me smile.

Sending thoughts. It will be OK my love. We are mothers and we are strong.

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 04/02/2013 08:11

Lol would be hilarious if she's a mumsnetter and recognises me and does swear. But she's v professional and won't. Grin

I hope I don't cry. That would be utterly embarrassing.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 04/02/2013 08:17

Have you told him that she was breaking her heart after he left for hours and apologised to you for not working hard enough and that you are disappointed with him for handling this in the worse way possible?

Make sure he knows this and tell him you have no intentions of attending any meeting with him because you are so angry and sad.

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 04/02/2013 09:56

I told him, which is when he started dancing on the head of the pin of semantics to justify his comment and saying that he didn't say he was disappointed in her just that he was disappointed.

Went in and spoke to the head of her current school. Like me, she thinks DD has done fantastically well. She is also aware of how little my ex contributed in terms of time, effort and energy and has met people like him before. He is more than welcome to go in and talk to her.

Waiting for the head of the most likely grammar to ring me back.

OP posts:
trustissues75 · 04/02/2013 10:20

I didn't get straight A's in my GCSE's - my mother said, and I paraphrase "I dont' know if I can go to the awards ceremony. How will I face the other mothers?" She denies it, as she denies all her thoughtless disengagements of her mouth from her brain - and I've never forgotten it.

YANBU. What an utter shit.

prettyfly1 · 04/02/2013 10:26

Congratulations to your daughter - brilliant achievement and well done to her for working so hard. I will come help fry his nadgers with some nice garlic and a little chianti if you like??

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 04/02/2013 10:27

Grin I am so glad IWNBU - I just feel so gutted for her, not for the result but that he could be like this and I want to make sure (if I can) that this doesn't affect her and that she doesn't think she has failed.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/02/2013 10:37

She is also aware of how little my ex contributed in terms of time, effort and energy and has met people like him before. He is more than welcome to go in and talk to her ... at which point she will, very respectfully and professionally, feed him his balls, I suspect.

You're a fabulous Mum, your DD will do just brilliantly, and I'm so sorry you had to watch her be upset like that, so unfairly.

trustissues75 · 04/02/2013 10:40

OP - I know this is a huge worry for you on how this is affecting your daughter, and rightly so. May I suggest a book that I found helpful when I fist had DS and was determined to no inflict my mother's brand of love on him?

www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Resilient-Children-Fostering-Strength/dp/0809297655/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359974326&sr=1-2-fkmr1

Original poster
11Plustrauma · 04/02/2013 10:47

Grin Tortoise - you're spot on Grin

Thanks for that book rec [girn]

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