to think my ex is an absolute fucking bastard of the first order

[11Plustrauma]

DD got her 11plus results today. She did really very well for her, put in a load of effort, and will get in to a grammar school. Just not the one he wants.

He said, in front of her, "Shit. I'm disappointed".

She has howled all day and it will take a great deal to pick her up again.

He is a bastard, yes or no?

[NOTE FROM MNHQ: Although we're sure it was meant as a joke, we have edited the thread title and OP to remove some beyond-the-pale violent imagery. Some subsequent posts making reference to the same imagery have also been deleted.]

[FairyHanny]

As I see it OP, your daughter has many years left of education to complete and go on to be whatever she wants to be, with such a caring mum right behind her.

But him? Well he'll always be a cunt.

Kudos to you. (And the fleas of a thousand camels to his underpant for all eternity.)

[11Plustrauma]

I haven't slept particularly well I am even more and more and more angry. He has sent a reply to the text that implies that I was going and seeing the school and the teacher about how she was doing/what her weaknesses were behind his back. That is just wrong. I have been asking all the way along the kids school careers, but this last year have been asking the teacher to identify areas of weakness that we could work on with her.

Every time I would phone him or speak to him at a handover and say "Mrs X says we need to work on ABC" and he would say "Her ABC is fine" and then he wouldn't do it. On alternate weekends when he had her he would do no work with her. None. He didn't even come to her parent teacher interview. And he knew when it was, he just forgot.

I am so so angry and he doesn't deserve her. She is a lovely lovely child who I am very proud of. He will say (I know) that he didn't say he was disappointed in HER but that's what she took out of it and he would then dance semantics on the head of a pin to justify it to himself.

I am disappointed in him. I thought he was a decent father with a bit of a blind spot when it came to academic results. I was wrong. It has shaken my view of him to the core and I don't think it will ever recover from this.






PS she cleaned her teeth before bed last night and it'll be back to Weetabix for breakfast today.

[Montybojangles]

He's a Grade A knobber.
Txt him back and just ask if rather than meeting the head now, seeing her teachers on parents evening, or doing the work suggested over the year might have been more useful. I would also tell him very clearly that of he ever ever reacts like that again after his child worked so hard and done so well then you will cut off his balls and feed them to the neighbours dog. Ask him if he realised with those three words and the way he spoke them a little piece of his daughter curled up and died inside?
Fuckwiited cunt bastard

[Montybojangles]

And I so hope she wakes up feeling good about herself and her achievement again

[zeronilnowt]

What a despicable excuse for a human being your ex is. You however, sound lovely.

My dad was similar. I did my GCSEs just after my mum died, still did fairly well (passed them all A-C) one of the exams (french oral) was on the day of my mums actual inquest (verdict suicide) when I told my dad the results his first response was "only a B in French? I thought you were good at it?" To my eternal regret I stopped trying after that and left school without any further qualifications. I knew my best wouldn't ever be good enough (the only person who told me my best would always be good enough, had gone) so I stpped trying completely.

Keep telling her how proud you are of her, what she has achieved is amazing and no decent human being will ever be disappointed in anyone who has tried hard and worked hard.

[AThingInYourLife]

He is really stupid.

Being clever is easy. Learning how to work hard at something is hard.

He is giving her the message that only results count.

The kids who learn that lesson early are the ones who don't know how to put the work in when it's needed.

If he really cared about her academic progress he would be full of praise for her hard work for the exam.

His concern would seem to be entirely about his own ego. He wants a daughter who gets high marks in exams.

You want to work with your daughter to help her to be the best she can be.

He has a fucking cheek telling you you don't care and your standards aren't high enough.

[11Plustrauma]

Zero- that's terrible.

AThing - I think you have hit the nail on the head.

I don't see what I have done wrong. I never stopped him going into the school to find out what she needed to work on or stopped him working with her. I maybe didn't tell him every single time I spoke to the teacher but why was it my job to keep him informed? He's a big boy he could have gone in by himself and found out.

She worked bloody hard. I don't think I could have pushed her any harder and I wouldn't have wanted to go down the route of coaching (although everyone seems to)??

I do not understand what is the point of him trooping into the school now to discuss her options. He hasn't been in all year. He would have been better off going in a year ago. Having a meeting with the head won't change anything. Unless "her father is a cunt" counts as special circumstances.

[KeatsiePie]

What a shitty man. Thank goodness she has you to tell her the truth about herself, and to work with her and encourage her and above all know her.

Obviously you haven't failed to keep him apprised of her progress at school, and obviously there's no point in his running around trying to change her options now. She earned an option (a good one!) and that's that. Even if he could get her a better one, it would be bad for her to take it, as she'd feel like she was in the school due to special string-pulling, not b/c she earned her place.

I don't know a thing about negotiating with the other parent on this sort of situation but can you just wait him out? Let him run around using up his energy, stay out of it, and you and she can just carry on knowing ultimately she will go to the good school she earned the right to go to?

[hackmum]

I assume there's a reason he's your ex?

What Athinginyourlife said is right: "Being clever is easy. Learning how to work hard at something is hard." You shouldn't praise children for being clever, you should praise them for working hard. Your DD started out in a position where she wouldn't have passed, worked hard, and got herself to a point where she did pass. That's really commendable, and her dad should be proud of her.

[sausagesandwich34]

When I got my gcse results my dad said 'see how much better you could have done if you worked harder' I'd got 6As and 3Bs ffs!

I was working, just not under his nose like my brother was. I'd had 3 months of school with glandular fever in yr 10 and my dad was off work for all of my yr 11 due to a heart attack and bypass surgery

I was bloody proud and was so upset that he wasn't

I think sometimes parents say things without thinking and your dd is lucky she has you to pick her up
My mum wouldn't contradict my dad if her life depended on it

[SanityClause]

After DD1 sat her 11+, we took her out to dinner, as a reward for all the hard work she had done. We wanted to reward the effort rather than the result.

Your DD has worked really hard, and, in fact, has achieved a good result. Just keep praising her for that effort, as that is what is important.

As for your XH, what a wanker!

Make sure he says to her that he didn't say he was disappointed in her. It may be semantics, but it may also mean a lot to your DD to know that Daddy wasn't disappointed in her effort, but in the fact that she had missed the other school by so little (and was therefore unlucky, not stupid or lazy.)

[11Plustrauma]

Keatsie - that's exactly what my mum said. Let him go to his bloody meeting and be told there's nothing he can do and let him rant and rave and stamp his feet. I genuinely don't think the other grammar is the right place for her and I always said that and said it to him. He views it as the better school because it's very hot housed and very pressured for exams and the grammar she will more than likely end up at is actually getting BETTER GCSE results but is less pressure and the atmosphere is more relaxed.

I don't know what the fuck he thinks he's going to change by going in to the school. It won't change her mark. And I can't tell you all enough times how hard she worked to get where she got. I could not have asked her to do any more it wouldn't have been fair. And just because DS is bright and it's easier for him and he sails through, so fucking what? What has that got to do with her? He's not her she's not him they are different people. Yes he may be more able academically but she is more pleasant to be around he's a grumpy shit at times and has to be handled with kid gloves. She never stops smiling (usually) and is the kindest soul put on the face of the planet. Why would anyone want to change her?

[maras2]

11+.You sound like such a lovely mother.I think that your attitude to this will make up for his total fuckwittery.He's a complete and utter shit for brains idiot,who doesn't deserve such a clever daughter.No wonder he's your ex.Best wishes for the future. Mx.

[Branleuse]

hes abusive :(

well done to your dd x

[GettingObsessive]

11plus this story resonates so much with me. I was clever and my parents (particularly my dad) placed all of their emphasis on results, not effort. They took no real interest in my studies, so long as I was getting the results. As a result, and because I could do well enough without trying, I didn't try very hard. It came as a very nasty shock when there was something that I couldn't just ace without putting the graft in. Needless to say, my dad was perplexed by this and couldn't understand why I had failed - and made it perfectly clear what a disappointment I was to him.

When we have discussed that time since, they could apparently see I was terrified of failing but didn't see fit to talk to me about it.

My Dsis on the other hand, was always (quite rightly) praised for the effort she put in. She has gone on to achieve a fulfilling and respects career, despite the diagnosis she received as an adult of dyslexia which would have made everything so much harder for her.

You are doing exactly the right thin for your DD and she will always value that. It may be that your ex finds that he doesn't have the relationship with her that he would have wanted, because she learns that he won't support her when she needs it most.

[KeatsiePie]

Good for your mom! Glad you have someone to back you up emotionally so you don't start to feel vulnerable to his stupid overreactions. Hopefully he will wear himself out shortly.

You sound like such a lovely mother to your daughter and I bet that will keep her feeling strong and sure of her tremendous capabilities despite him as she grows up.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Playing devil's advocate here I would say he probably meant he was a bit disappointed that she didn't get her first choice of school and missed out by only a few marks. I do think he should apologise to your DD and explain this is what he meant not that he's disappointed in her hard work and success.

BUT I can't see a problem with him meeting the head and talking things through. The head may think there is a chance of getting into first choice school on appeal which is worth doing if DD would prefer to go there. If the head says no that's a quick way to end the conversation.

Well done to your DD for passing her 11+ :)

[11Plustrauma]

Ghoul - yes I can see what you're saying, but he shouldn't have said it. What he should have said was "fantastic well done I'm really proud of you".

There is no chance of her getting in to the other grammar - competition for places is so high that the 4 or 5 marks she's down by means she won't get in.

He is going to discuss her options. Now. When it's too late. When he should have got off his backside and gone and talked to her months ago and when if he'd bothered his arse to listen to what he was being told or bothered to find out he would have realised that her mark is bloody brilliant and she's done fantastic. He had his head in the sand and just kept saying "she'll get in". And now she hasn't and he's upset about that. Too late too late. And he is trying to pass all the blame (as he sees it) off on to me that I didn't keep him informed and that I don't have ambition for her, which is unfair.

[11Plustrauma]

(We don't know if she'll get in or not but it is highly highly unlikely.)

[CecilyP]

Do you really think he is likely to go to the school to discuss your DD's options? The fact that he texted you to tell you that you should do it suggests that he won't. But if, by some strange chance, he actually does go to the school, it might be a good thing because I can't see a headteacher putting up with his nonsense and she would be able to explain the situation regarding entry to the 2 schools more objectively.

I am disappointed in him. I thought he was a decent father with a bit of a blind spot when it came to academic results. I was wrong. It has shaken my view of him to the core and I don't think it will ever recover from this.

That is the sad thing. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter which of 2 perfectly good schools your DD will be attending. Your and your DD's relationship with her dad is far more important and he has jeopardised that by his own stupidity.^

I am so so angry and he doesn't deserve her. She is a lovely lovely child who I am very proud of. He will say (I know) that he didn't say he was disappointed in HER but that's what she took out of it and he would then dance semantics on the head of a pin to justify it to himself.

If he says that, he should be made to come and say it to her - that he was disappointed for her that she didn't get her first choice school. And he should apologise to her in no uncertain terms.

[11Plustrauma]

I absolutely do think he will go into the school to discuss the options.

My plan is

• go in myself and talk to the head just to be 110% certain of what's the most likely outcome
  

• keep bigging her up and bigging up her effort.
  

But I don't know about this bit - would it be worth going to see the school she's likely to end up at on her own, or would it be worth me going to see the head of that school to see what she says about DDs options?

[LollipopViolet]

OP, you're an ace mum. Your ex, well, I don't swear so there are no words I can use to describe him.

When I got my GCSE results, I was over the moon, especially with my maths, where I'd gone from a U in the mocks, to a C when it counted.

First thing my mum said when I walked out of school, "Go get your mates, here's some money, go and have a lovely lunch because you've all worked so hard and done brilliantly."

I still remember that day 7 years later :)

Here's hoping your DD will remember how supportive and proud you were, and not how awful your ex was.

[CecilyP]

Of course you should continue praise DD for her effort and achievement. I also think you should now be emphasising the positives of the school that she, more than likely, will be going to. Especially as you realistically think it was the better fit for your DD in the first place. So it was, and will continue to be a really good result - rather spoilt by your ex's stupid comment. I am not sure what going to see various heads of various schools will really achieve.

[11Plustrauma]

The only reason I would have gone to see the head of the school she's likely going to end up at would be because I don't know the school like I do the other grammar where DS is, and I don't know if it would be helpful for her to know that DD is uneasy/upset?