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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to just divide the bill ...

226 replies

GenerallyIndecisive · 02/02/2013 16:43

Me and my DH had lunch today with some new friends. We have wanted to meet new people so have been making an effort to go to things and talk to new people so we were pleased when a couple we had been chatting to on and off for a few months suggested lunch. They picked quite a pricey pub but we had seen they did a few nice light bites and were happy to go there.

It was a nice lunch and we all got on really well but when the bill came the other couple just said to the waitress oh split the bill and handed over their card... Their food / drink was about £20 more though so we ended up paying £10 extra.

Money is really tight for us at present as I only get Maternity Allowance (was made redundant at 20 weeks pregnant and had only been there 1 year 11 months so no redundancy either).

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable to feel a bit upset and says that most people would just split the bill without giving it a second thought.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
onyx72 · 03/02/2013 09:11

YABU

You should have said at the start to the waiter/ess that you wanted separate bills. It's not difficult.
I would have been annoyed if I was part of the other couple. I would have assumed that you were not watching the pennies and I wouldn't really have been keeping a mental running tab. I don't have a problem with that but I prefer to know from the beginning because it can put a real damper on an evening if you have to suddenly start working out who had soup, two starters instead of a starter and a main, an aperitif etc.

coldcupoftea · 03/02/2013 09:20

I always split the bill- even though I am a veggie so often my main course can be £5-6 cheaper than everyone else's, or more if someone orders steak for example.

I went for a meal with some work friends a while ago, and a colleague who is also veggie and doesn't drink was making a massive deal about paying less because her main was cheaper and she didn't have alcohol, despite the fact soft drinks are often just as expensive. I found it really awkward (and my main was actually less than hers!).

Chalk it up to experience, maybe next time invite them to your house for lunch instead?

TotallyBS · 03/02/2013 09:25

When we go out with other families we have separate bills since its unreasonable to split the bill 50/50 where the kids in each family vary in number and in age. However, when we go out as a couple or with individual friends we have never had separate bills.

The OP has said that they are countig the pennies so fair enough. But if you are 'comfortable' then it is a bit petty to itemise who ate what or whose meal was more expensive.

I am not a wine lover but some of my friends our so inevitably I end up subbing their drinks when I only had a coke but on occasions I had the steak to their salad or dessert and coffee to their nothing.

So it all comes out in the wash so to speak.

msrisotto · 03/02/2013 09:29

When I was a student, I went out with people who had good jobs and their lack of thought was stunning. After me choosing the cheapest thing on the already pricey menu, they went to split the bill and it was awkward but bless my now DH, he did say, actually can we pay for what we ate, and no one objected. I wouldn't have said anything upfront.

comingintomyown · 03/02/2013 09:30

Sorry but if the £10 difference feels that significant then what on earth were you doing eating out in the first place ?

TotallyBS · 03/02/2013 09:46

coming - I thought that the OP was BU to complain about it. However, just because they are counting the pennies doesnt mean they should be at home eating beans on toast.

SanityClause · 03/02/2013 09:55

I think the other couple should've noticed that you had cheaper meals, and suggested putting in a bit more. Even if they had asked you if it was okay to split the bill, you would have been put in a difficult position, because who wants to say, in effect, "oh you were much greedier than us, so yes, we will just pay for what we ate, and not for your gormandising, thank you very much."

For people who don't even notice, for a table of four, who ate and drank what, what do you notice? I mean, there is a minute, when the person waiting, (or the person in the group taking the orders before going to the bar) is taking the orders, and everyone else is usually quiet, to allow that to happen. How could you not notice what everyone ordered?

simplesusan · 03/02/2013 10:03

Wow I am amazed that some people do not notice at all the cost of their food and drinks.
Surely if you order say, lobster at £25, plus a starter, dessert and then knock back 2 bottles of expensive wine at £30 a throw, you would think that can't be right that I am paying £50 for all this?
You would have to be either:
a) stupid
b) very rude and grabby.
Of course someone else must be subsidizing your meal. That will be the person who probably didn't have a starter, dessert and drank 2 glasses of juice all evening.
Very different from all having a main meal only costing between £8 - £13ish, totally ok to split the bill then.

simplesusan · 03/02/2013 10:09

Fwiw when I meet with a certain group of friends we tend to split the bill, even though I often don't have a starter and they do. I don't mind the extra £5. However I always say I am getting my own drinks as most, if not all, of the group drink a lot more than me and I have lots of better things to spend my cash on than funding other people's drinking habits.

badtemperedaldbitch · 03/02/2013 10:13

I posted last night and feel that I didn't get my point across....or rather that my point was misunderstood.....

If you come for a meal with me, it will be to somewhere we have agreed on ...
(for me choosing the restaurant means you should have a rough idea of a meal for 2 there would cost)I would expect that you order what you fancy/can afford. I would like your to have another drink if you are thirsty. I would like us to have a fun evening without worrying about what you ate or didn't eat. At the end of the meal I expect you to tell me how you want to pay your share..... Individually? Ok, tell me what you want to pay and I'll pay the remainder because that's obviously mine..... Split the bill? Ok tell me what you want me to pay......

Either way....someone please tell me what I need to pay, and I'll pay it.... Just have a lovely evening and I'll see you soon.

Everyone knows I'm like this....... Open honest and upfront. If you are unhappy tell me.

Op you have a voice and you should have said.....but I only had soup.

If you ordered soup with me.....I'd just assume that's because you thought it was delicious, and you were hungry for it. Or that you were on a diet.

But I can honestly say that I have never thought that I would order something that I expect others to pay for in a freeloading sort of way. I would never think ooohhh they've ordered something cheap....I can eat something more expensive because we will split the bill equally.

This thread has made me think, that I make an awful lot of assumptions when I'm dining with friends!

badtemperedaldbitch · 03/02/2013 10:16

Maybe I've just always dined with similar minded people

badtemperedaldbitch · 03/02/2013 10:17

I'd be really sad if you were unhappy and hadn't said.

countrykitten · 03/02/2013 10:32

The OP's friends are getting a bad rap here. When I eat out I do not spend time poring over what other shave ordered and if theirs cost more/was cheaper than mine - I have a good time. I imagine that her friends did the same thing. Unless you tell people things you cannot expect them to know things!

Splitting the bill is the norm and anything else looks petty and mean tbh UNLESS you have made your position clear at the start. It's not difficult.

TotallyBS · 03/02/2013 10:41

Simple - you are advancing an extreme example to make your point. Of course it is taking the piss if the other couple ordered lobster and bottles of expensive wine BUT that isn't what happened.

simplesusan · 03/02/2013 10:57

True totally but they did order steak and I really do not believe anyone who orders to the value of say £100 per couple then pays £80 doesn't notice that actually, they haven't paid for what they have ordered, so... someone else obviously has!
The op said there was a £20 discrepency between the orders. To me that is quite high.

Completely different, in my book of rules at least, if there is only a marginal underpayment/overpayment.

Same with taxis. I have no problem splitting the entire fare, unless someone lives a further 25 miles away, then no I wouldn't subsidise that much.

simplesusan · 03/02/2013 11:00

I have been in the situation of subsidising someone's lobster whilst I have intentionally ordered the cheapest thing on the menu.
The man in question was a friend of a friend and I thought it rude.I didn't object at the time due to the circumstances of the event, and being much younger and extremely shy at the time.

whois · 03/02/2013 11:01

£10 isn't worth getting annoyed about. Chalk it up to experience, move on and next time be upfront at the start of the meal about paying for your food separately.

SanityClause · 03/02/2013 11:10

My understanding of good manners is that the idea is to make everyone feel comfortable.

So, in this case, what would've done that? IMO, the couple who spent more should've said, "oh we ate loads more than you, we'll put in an extra £20." this then gives the OP and her DH the option to say either yes or no.

Expecting the OP and her DH to "speak up for themselves" is not good manners.

Like many others on this thread, I have groups of friends that when we eat out together, we don't count the pennies, we just automatically split the bill. Or "take it in turns".

But for the OP, these are new friends. Just acquaintances, really. I hope in a case like that, I would be more concerned with whether the other people in the group were happy with the arrangement.

MrsMushroom · 03/02/2013 11:11

There's a really snotty attitude on here from people who just "eat what they want and don't notice what others order."

A really nasty undertone of others being petty or less than...just because they have smaller budgets.

I'm glad I don't eat out with such thoughtless greedy types.

TotallyBS · 03/02/2013 11:20

simple - in the case of the OP the other couple didn't go for expensive items on the menu. It was the OP going for the cheap items.

MrsMushroom · 03/02/2013 11:25

Steak is one of the more expensive items on most menus Totally

TotallyBS · 03/02/2013 11:36

Mrs - Why is it 'snotty'? I don't order lobster, not unless the other person is joining me but at the same time I don't keep a running total of what I am spending in relation to the other person.

If OP wasn't happy with the main menu.prices and felt compelled to order the cheaper option then the time to say something was when the venue was being discussed. I certainly wouldn't go to a place that was beyond my budget.

I am not having a go at the OP. She is counting the pennies and I get that but most people are happy with 50/50 splits and expecting the other couple to read the OP's mind is not reasonable.

OP - next time choose a venue where it's within your budget.

Viviennemary · 03/02/2013 11:36

I think even if you are a Euro millions jackpot winner you should be sensitive to other people. Ordering steak and expecting someone else to pay for it is nothing short of rude, ignorant, crass entitlement.

MrsKoala · 03/02/2013 11:38

I always worry about this when dh goes out without me, as he genuinely does not notice what others eat or how much anything is. He doesn't even check the bill, just putting his card down when it arrives. The amount of times I have retrieved the bill to find there are loads of mistakes on it is amazing. He is dyslexic and asd so has no real understanding of such things (I'm sure if he got charged a tenner for a pint of milk he wouldn't question it) he also orders starters and pads and would opt for steak every time. I'm always worried there are people saying 'well, I'll never go out with him again'.

Everyone I know and have ever gone out with has just automatically split the bill, apart from some German students I worked with who thought that was outrageous. No one I know we'll looks at the price or notices how much things are unless it's really obvious. I feel uncomfortable with it because of the above and I also drink loads more than everyone else! I would prefer to pay for ours but our friends won't hear of it. I just hope they aren't going home moaning about us. It also makes me order the cheapest things which I don't even like to sometimes if dh goes for the steak.

I think you have to just be up front at the start really. I went for lunch with new friends on fri and realised when I got home I paid less than what I had (by £2) and have been stressing about it since!

MrsKoala · 03/02/2013 11:43

So this has posed a question in my mind. If you really fancy the steak but notice everyone else is having meals which cost less, should you say something when you are all perusing the menu, like 'I really fancy the steak, I'll bung in an extra fiver' or do you wait till the bill comes and then have the irritating argument when you try to put the money down and everyone tells you not to be silly? Or are they just being polite and seething inside for the whole meal?

It's so hard.