To not want to just divide the bill ...

[GenerallyIndecisive]

Me and my DH had lunch today with some new friends. We have wanted to meet new people so have been making an effort to go to things and talk to new people so we were pleased when a couple we had been chatting to on and off for a few months suggested lunch. They picked quite a pricey pub but we had seen they did a few nice light bites and were happy to go there.

It was a nice lunch and we all got on really well but when the bill came the other couple just said to the waitress oh split the bill and handed over their card... Their food / drink was about £20 more though so we ended up paying £10 extra.

Money is really tight for us at present as I only get Maternity Allowance (was made redundant at 20 weeks pregnant and had only been there 1 year 11 months so no redundancy either).

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable to feel a bit upset and says that most people would just split the bill without giving it a second thought.

Am I being unreasonable?

If I went out for a meal and could only afford the cheapest thing on the menu....I would say so. Otherwise I would expect the bill to be split equally.

I also don't think you have to declare your budget up front to expect people to be attentive to their order v. others' orders. Otherwise, what are we saying? That if no-one says they want a separate bill, if one couple orders steak and drink wine, but the other couple order salads and water, are couple no. 1 under no obligation when the bill arrives to think 'hang on, we need to put in more here because ours was more expensive'? I think they are.

they should have asked you, not just told the waiter.

rude to assume especially with sych a large difference on that bill.

I don't think it matters if you mention at the beginning or end of the meal.

for future reference, I always ask how we're splitting the bill before it's obtained andwill make comment if someone has had a more expensive meal or a starter for example (not mentioningnames)

If you're trying to make new friends and haven't eaten out with someone before, that is a time to be quite polite and sensitive to the fact people have different budgets and different expectations, IMO.

I agree, but that works both ways. The OP and her DH had as much, if not more, responsibility to do this too. That's why, as they are the ones who wanted to do something less usual like splitting the bill, then the onus was on them to say so at the beginning of the meal.

The other couple probably thought they would be fine with the prices at the place they went to because they agreed to the suggestion, and had the opportunity to suggest somewhere else if they had wanted to.

I would have never Split the bill if my food cost less than the split price! Why the hell did you even pay?? I'd have said no sorry can we not split only moneys tight even hense the 'lite bites' we've had!

You can tell me at any time you want to seperate the bill, but if you don't mention it then how am I supposed to know you want separate bills?

I'd expect someone to tell me what was going on rather than dance around.

yanbu, OP. I went out for dinner recently with a large group - many are bankers - they all drank loads and loads and ordered lots of food. I am a student with a 3 year old to support on my own. I ordered 2 small things and only drank water.

I had to pay £80 for the privilege of bolstering their drinking and food all evening. I said 'actually, I am a student, and would rather just pay for what I had' and would have happily chucked in maybe £5 extra, but one particulalry mouthy one said 'no you can't do that on a big bill like this just pay what everyone else is, that's fair'

I was being too nice, and didn't want to make a fuss because a couple good friends were there, but needless to say, I won't be attending their dinner evenings in future

*typos sorry

I would normally always split the bill regardless.

Actually... Except last weekend when all my 2 year old had was a side of bread and the person who was working out the bill made her share the same as every adult there which was 33 each. Jeez :p

Snazzy don't you think it would just be easier all round if people on a budget do the simple thing of asking the waiter for a separate bill rather than expecting other people to note the pice of what they have, and the price do what other people have, and then have to work out what the difference is afterwards?

If you are expecting that much of people, how far do you take it? Are you happy for them just to chip in up to the next £5 or £10, is it ok for them to offer to just chip in the tip, or are you expecting them to do mental calculations as things are ordered? Or maybe they should do the cringeworthy thing of getting a calculator out and work out exactly who owes what?

It is SO much easier, and more civilised, just to ask for separate bills if you are on a budget.

"I don't think you would expect them to know your budget is tight."

Whether you are poor or not is completely irrelevant. If I went to dinner with Richard Branson and I had a steak and he had soup I wouldn't expect him to pay half.

I don't expect others to subsidise my food choices or to have to subsidise others (unless I choose to help someone out)

Yanbu. They were cheeky.

Clouds agree and the OP ought to be prepared to do this next time. Just that I have definitely seen people take advantage of this - some people do it unthinkingly but some do it deliberately, and the thread seemed to be saying there is no need for anyone to give a second thought to how what they've ordered stacks up against their co-diners. I think there is.

cafecito that's outrageous. I would not have paid for more than what I'd had plus tip. But it just shows you how people like that have got to be as rich as they are. It's not through splitting bills fairly.

people are going on about faff.
in the old days, one of us would take a calculator or the one who was best with nymbers would rack it up.

I was part of a group of about 12 where we would go out for a meal 2 or 3 times a year and we always paid our own share.

these days most people have phones with calculators on.

and I agree with lrdc surely people who eat the more expensive meals must notice they are being subsidized!

I'm veggie and my mealsare normally the cheapest

I think they were incredibly rude. Yanbu at all. People should always be mindful that others may have a budget. A couple of quid here and there isn't a problem but this was quite a difference.

I think it's fair enough to expect people to notice if they have ordered a starter and a dessert or a side order against someone else only ordering a main course, and in that situation it would be nice if that person offered to pay more. But as this thread shows, it all just opens up such a can of worms! How much more do you offer to pay without making the other person think that you are trying to take the piss, while at the same time trying to avoid the dreaded adding everything up on a calculator debacle?

I think YANBU, OP. I am just imagining being the other couple. I think I would notice if I'd spent that much more, and would not expect another couple, especially one who I hardly knew, to 'subsidise' my more expensive choices. I think they're the ones who look tight, not you for wanting to pay for your own.

Splitting the bill equally can be fairly normal as can not splitting the bill equally,with people that you don't know well enough to know how they do it its fairly normal to ask before ordering.

I have a different policy,most of the people in my life that I like enough to wish to sit at a table and eat with them are broke so my policy is if I invite them out for a meal because I wish to enjoy myself in there company in a relaxed atmosphere, at the time of the invitation being made I add the words "my treat" it works for me, I couldn't relax if I was concerned that they may fret about the bill.

(disclaimer I only have two friends that I like enough to invite and both are long standing friends and we have a arrangement,I love cheese sauce I can't make cheese sauce not for love nor money both make fantastic cheese sauce so the deal is throughout the year every so often on a visit they make me cheese sauce and do not raise eyebrows when I eat it by the spoon and because I am so happy that two such lovely people like making me cheese sauce and like keeping me company and are willing to turn up in public with me then I buy them dinner,and I mean that in a nice way not a weird low self opinion way )

Cloudsandtrees It's not hard to deal with though. I just say "I had a really expensive main course so I should pay an extra £5 so it's £25 for all of you and £30 for me".

I guess it helps that I'm really good at maths so I can do the sums easily but it isn't that hard to notice that the steak is £15 and most mains are about £10.

I generally say during the ordering "btw I'm ordering something expensive so I'll need to pay more at the end" to make sure that no one worries about it as well.

snazzy I know, I don't even think they are that rich, but the disregard to other people's situations really hurt because I genuinely should be budgeting and I genuinely need every penny now I am a single mum and I have childcare to pay for and rent and I have to actually, you know, feed my son rather than pay for their fat tummies to get fatter with the crazy amount of beer they consumed

especially after I objected

and then there was a huge tip left over - after the 12.5% had already been added, so I said ' can I take my last 20 back (though the tip was much much bigger than this and I seriously overpaid the rest of it) and they laughed, and I said, no really, I am a student! I am on a budget! and they were like, no just leave it let's leave a 25% tip

so I just thought, okay, cafecito, stop looking mean and petty, just leave it... but I felt bad the next day when I realised actually, that's DS's new shoes, coat, books, food for him...

I am a really generous person, and I used to be very careless with money, I still can be, but when it's paying by choice it's different- say you go out and buy a round of drinks voluntarily, or stick a tab at the bar for the table - it's your choice to do that. But to have that choice removed, I don't like.

Well, I'm crap at maths, really really dire, and figures just don't stay in my head at all for more than a minute.

Like I said, I'd notice if I was having a starter and someone else wasn't, but I wouldn't notice if my spare ribs cost £3.56 more than someone else's risotto. And unless it was pointed out before the meal, I wouldn't know I had to take note. What's the point if they are going to have a coffee at the end and I'm not, I'd just spend half the meal thinking about sums. Not my idea of fun.

And again as I've already said, how far do you take it to avoid offending someone? Is chipping in an extra fiver enough if you can remember that your main meal was more expensive, or do you also have to remember that your juice was more expensive than their diet coke and add that on too? Some people will expect to not pay a penny more than they ordered, or plenty of people like DH and I will not even give it a second thought.

Sorry, but it's always going to be easier and more civilised for everyone if people who don't want to split just ask for a separate bill.

There are people on this thread that I'd be embarrassed to sit in a restaurant with tbh.

But, clouds, if you know you're bad at arithmetic (and I am too), isn't the onus on you to ask for the separate bill?

Otherwise you must worry you're constantly freeloading and not noticing it.

clouds, I wouldn't normally mind or make a fuss at all, in fact I'd often pay the whole thing or just split it evenly, but it's when it's such a vast difference that I would mind. I agree it gets too petty to notice little things and little differences, so generally people should just split evenly. but if it's a vast difference (eg someone has no alcohol and a small meal, someone else has 10 beers, 2 bottles of wine and a cocktail with 3 courses) then that should be roughly taken into account at the end

YANBU to want to split the bill

YABU to expect newish friends to know (via telepathy?) that you want to split the bill