Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to just divide the bill ...

226 replies

GenerallyIndecisive · 02/02/2013 16:43

Me and my DH had lunch today with some new friends. We have wanted to meet new people so have been making an effort to go to things and talk to new people so we were pleased when a couple we had been chatting to on and off for a few months suggested lunch. They picked quite a pricey pub but we had seen they did a few nice light bites and were happy to go there.

It was a nice lunch and we all got on really well but when the bill came the other couple just said to the waitress oh split the bill and handed over their card... Their food / drink was about £20 more though so we ended up paying £10 extra.

Money is really tight for us at present as I only get Maternity Allowance (was made redundant at 20 weeks pregnant and had only been there 1 year 11 months so no redundancy either).

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable to feel a bit upset and says that most people would just split the bill without giving it a second thought.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 00:23

Well I am incredibly posh and know its more ill mannered to make someone less fortunate than your self feel shame/ fear/ or embarrassment over a bill when that can be avoided by the other person tactfully asking if they should split or not.

shutthebloodydoor · 03/02/2013 00:24

I wouldnt have like it either and have been in same boat! I wouldnt dream of splashing out and expecting the other couple to pick up a share of some thing they hadnt had? It was DPs best mate and wife and me and DP wasnt drinking but they were...bottles of wine, vodkas , pints.. i was peeved off too.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 00:24

I'm not posh either, but I was taught some etiquette! And I don't freeload off other people, as I have repeatedly said, but then I don't think my friends do that when when we pay for more than we had.

My view on this can't be that isolated, I've eaten out with plenty of people and have only ever known one couple to have a problem with bill splitting, and that was when we were in a group of about 20 people. So in that situation, I think I'm justified in thinking they should have ordered a separate bill instead of expecting someone else to have to sit there working out bills for drinks and three courses for twenty odd people when everyone else was happy to split!

Even OPs own DH thought she was BU!

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2013 00:27

YABU I think for the sake of a tenner

There's nothing more awkward than divvying up a bill, especially when there's not that much difference in price.

I understand a tenner is a lot to you (blimey, it certainly is to me) but I'm sure the other couple would have assumed that if you were that skint, you wouldn't have been eating out in the first place.

IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2013 00:30

Clouds in those circumstances your correct she should have and your correct its not isolated

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/02/2013 00:34

clouds, forgive a simple and common-as-muck soul like me, but ...

You say your arithemetic isn't up to scratch for working out the bill, but you're sure you always pay your share, and you always split the bill.

Surely, only one or two of these things is likely to be true at any one time?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/02/2013 00:35

Btw, I do think in big groups like the example you mention, it can be really difficult not to split a bill.

But the OP was with two other people besides her own DH! Hardly the same.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 00:46

My arithmetic is crap, and i cant work out bills in my head, but I can see that other people often like to have starters and that DH and I very rarely do, and on the odd occasions that we do we get one to share when others are having one each. I can see that people get side orders or desserts when we don't. I can see that I've ordered one glass of rosé, DH has ordered a coke, and another couple have ordered a bottle or merlot. I don't need to e good at maths for that.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/02/2013 00:47

Okay. I think if you're paying attention to what other people eat, it's the same thing, isn't it?

If the people in the OP had done that, there would be no issue - they would have avoided doing what they did.

I don't think it matters how you work it out, it just matters that you do.

Itsaboatjack · 03/02/2013 00:53

It's actually not difficult to ask your waiter/waitress to make two bills when you order. Saves a lot of problems.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 00:56

If you don't think it matters how you work it out as long as you do, and assuming that we are still just talking about two couples, how far would you personally take that?

Is it worth having one couple pay an extra three pounds because although they had similar courses, one person had an espresso at the end? Would you feel like someone was freeloading if they suggested splitting the bill after they had ordered a side of coleslaw when no one else had a side?

It's coming across as if some people on this thread would object even to that, which to me just seems petty.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/02/2013 01:02

Personally? If I didn't know someone and hadn't been out to a meal with them before, I would always opt to pay separately.

If they suggested sharing the bill, and I could afford to subsidize them, I would go for it. If they suggested splitting the bill and I had an idea DH and I might have had more expensive stuff, I'd say I thought we'd had more expensive stuff so wouldn't like to take advantage.

In my experience, very few people are rude enough to insist on splitting a bill.

It's nothing to do with being 'petty', it's to do with basic good manners. You try to think about the other person.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 01:12

I agree with you on basic good manners.

But it seems like for some people, they won't ever be happy knowing they had paid 50p towards someone else's meal. And I think that is petty when the alternative is to do the whole adding up/calculator debacle.

I think for most people it doesn't seem to be a problem because they go out with people they get on well enough with that it all works out in the end.

Maybe OP and her DH will end up going out with this couple on another occasion where their preference will be something that just happens to add more to the bill.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/02/2013 01:16

Yeah ... I think some people take it too far. Being stingy isn't an attractive trait.

I just feel for the OP because it sounds to me as if she got a bit steamrollered. I would much, much rather be taken for a mug than make someone feel awful by paying when they couldn't afford it. But I know I'm lucky I can afford to feel like that. It would have been horrible when I couldn't and when you are counting pennies, you do tend to feel less able to speak up (or I did).

I think you're right it's usually no trouble as you go out with people you know.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/02/2013 01:23

I like it when I can find common ground with someone before bedtime after pages of disagreeing Smile

Night night

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/02/2013 01:24
Grin

Thank you! Sorry, I was being a right arse. I'm just having horrible flashbacks to the sort of tossers who would deliberately make you feel shit for not having enough money on you.

I shouldn't let that change how I post. Blush

BadLad · 03/02/2013 03:41

I usually split the bill, but if I'm ordering something considerably more expensive, or obviously drinking more, than I'll throw in a bit more. Obviously the more people there are, the more difficult this is to work out. I think you have to accept that if you go out for a meal with other people, it might cost a few pounds more, or less if you're lucky, than you actually spent. All you can do is hope that it evens out. Where the line is drawn as to the point at which the difference is unreasonable depends on all sorts of things (age, financial circumstances, familiarity with other diners).

Nobody else has commented on this, so maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bit unreasonable to go out for a meal and then not order much food. Last year I went to a Chinese restaurant with some people I know - quite a nice restaurant - and one of them only ordered a plate of fried rice (cheapest thing on the menu). Judgy-pants maybe, but I felt quite embarrassed, and would have felt likewise if I was dining with someone and they only ordered soup.

cafecito · 03/02/2013 04:30

clouds I agree with you largely. I did actually say at the start of this particular meal I wasn't drinking and would only have something small, the meal was more than 80 more like 110 each, I overpaid by 80 easily. If one person has so much less, how hard is it to, say, a meal with ten people you divide by 10, well, remove one person let them pay (more than) their share, as I would never count to a pound or penny but would easily chuck in the nearest 10/20 note.. and then divide the remainder by 9?

However I agree my own case is different, it was a one off and I have never felt weird about this before this one event. It was more the refusal after I politely said I'd pay my bit that suprised me. That actually is having my choice removed.

I can afford nice meals out- but sometimes maybe I don't want to spend hundreds of pounds when my meal cost so so much less- it wasn't an expensive place, but they ordered so much alcohol and I had to work anyway (which, again, they were aware of)/. I thinkit would be wrong to decline invitations all the time on this basis- which is why I exercised my choice in what I chose from the menu, etc.

But yeah it has put me off going to dinner with this particular group again.(though actually they were pretty rubbish company which may be the real reason I felt aggrieved at overspending when I had not had a good time anyway and had only gone along to be polite). Hmm. if I had had a really good dinner with friends then I guess I'd shrug off splitting the bill and just accept it as it is

cafecito · 03/02/2013 04:35

I think if I got on well with a group of people, it would not matter. I would never ever get out a calculator etc, but a rough total plus a bit extra seems fair if there are vastly differing quantities being ordered.

yeah I think I agree going out when someone orders very, very little is not pleasant badlad, it is rather an ''anti-fun'' thing to do, I wouldn't do it myself if I had accepted a dinner invitation it makes everyone feel uncomfortable

cafecito · 03/02/2013 04:36

I just think sometimes financial circumstances are not what they seem and if nobody objects, then dividing equally is super, but if someone actually does say something, then they should be respected

BadLad · 03/02/2013 05:18

I think you certainly were hard-done by, cafecito. If I had been there and noticed you, then I would have made the point that you had had much less and shouldn't have to pay a full whack, especially if I was very well-paid and that person was a student.

Although, as I said, the more people there are, the harder it is to work these things out, as you discount the person who had least, then someone else who had more than that person but less than many others pipes up, and so on.

If I go out in a big group then I basically assume I'm going to have to split the bill.

cafecito · 03/02/2013 05:45

yeah I should make that assumption in future, you're right it's one thing having very little and being such a huge discrepancy in cost and then what about the people in the middle ground of that- where would it stop. I think I was just annoyed on this occasion as the guy said 'you can't be a student you're too old' Grin maybe that's why I objected paying for his dinner! if I'd have been with true friends I wouldn't have minded

LadyKinbote · 03/02/2013 07:10

I have to say that it seems very unfair to expect someone struggling with money to have to declare their poverty at the start of the meal, or worse to not even go to a restaurant unless they can afford the most expensive thing on the menu. I've been on both sides of this situation before and when I was the 'rich' one I just said "oh, I had more courses than you, I'll chuck in a bit extra". It's not hard.

aftermay · 03/02/2013 07:51

In many places they take your menu away once you've ordered so you can't remember exactly how much yours has cost.

YANBU. I have a group of friends I go out with. A couple of them meet earlier and have cocktails which are then transferred to the meal bill. The ones with kids are always late, fair enough to pay fir the others' drinks while thry wait for you. One always has steak. I'm forever on a diet and never have pudding. Another one has starters, the others don't. Another one drives from further afield and never drinks. We still split the bill. The resentment I feel is short lived as I like them despite their 'faults'.

flowery · 03/02/2013 09:05

Normal to split the bill, and sitting their with calculator and menu working out exactly how much each person's costs looks petty and frequently ends in a shortfall ime.

Not keen on the assumption being made by some that people who routinely split bills are "freeloaders" or automatically expecting to be subsidised. Just as likely that those of us who usually split are subsidising others, and what's actually more likely is that it's fairly even most of the time and evens itself out over time anyway.

However, in circumstances where one person/couple has very clearly spent a lot more, like the OPs new friends, it was incredibly rude and inconsiderate of them not to offer to pay individually or at the very least check before telling the waiter to split it.