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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask dh to sleep at home after night out...

31 replies

NettletonMummy · 01/02/2013 19:47

As I don't like being left alone overnight as we have a very young baby (8 weeks) plus 3 year old. Happy for him to go out and come back late, but is it unreasonable to ask him to come home after, rather than stay with a friend? He doesn't want to come home as we live in the middle if nowhere, so either expensive taxi ride if he has a drink, or he has to drive. I know he doesn't normally do much in the way of child care, but he's there for the 3 year old in case she wakes while I deal with baby who feeds at least 3 times a night and I need the moral support even if he's just asleep!

I don't think I'm asking too much - especially as mums have to pretty much give up going out at night and having a drink while pregnant and breast feeding.

OP posts:

50ShadesOfGreggs · 01/02/2013 19:54

I would feel the same way I think. Although, if he has had a drink, would he actually be much help?

MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve · 01/02/2013 19:54

I'd prefer he stay somewhere else tbh as he could wake the dcs up coming home drunk

meadow2 · 01/02/2013 19:55

I would let him stay out.Whats the point of going out if you cant have a drink.

LemonBreeland · 01/02/2013 19:57

I'd prefer he didn't go on a massive bender when we had an 8 week old baby. But I think it's fine to ask him to be home.

Fairylea · 01/02/2013 19:57

Not unreasonable of you at all. And I live really rural too so I understand what you mean about taxis etc.

I have to say dh and I haven't had a night out (either of us) since ds was born 7 months ago, we're both too shattered!

Anyway I'm rabbiting on.

I think your dp should come home. But failing that leave him with the kids as soon as he is sober enough and you go and have some me time too.

Vinomcstephens · 01/02/2013 20:00

I would say it depends on how regular an occurrence this is - if it's a one off, or a "once in a while" then let him go out, have a drink and crash at a friends. I completely understand the reassurance of having him in the house but I think it's only fair to let him go out and avoid an expensive taxi fare!

I get where you're coming from about mums giving up booze while pregnant but I think that's a moot point - I mean, he can't exactly do anything about that so I don't think it's a fair comparison?

I think YANBU to feel the way you do but YWB(a teeny bit!)U to insist on him coming home.

MidnightMasquerader · 01/02/2013 20:02

Annoying when one half of a couple's life goes on unfettered with the practicalities of v young children, and the other's ... doesn't ...

Assuming this isn't a regular event, come to some arrangement whereby one day or half day of the weekend, breastfeeding-allowing, he takes both kids off your hands. He can choose the day - presumably whichever one he won't have the hangover.

PurplePidjin · 01/02/2013 20:04

Wtf? He thinks it's ok to just waft off on a jolly while you do everything?

He needs to man up and pull his weight!

MerylStrop · 01/02/2013 20:04

I'd always prefer DH to come home
Especially with an 8 week old
As much for the morning as the night
Bender with sleepover can wait a bit

chezchaos · 01/02/2013 20:06

I would want him home too, even though mine is completely useless the night and day after a night out

feministefatale · 01/02/2013 20:09

I'd prefer he didn't go on a massive bender when we had an 8 week old baby. But I think it's fine to ask him to be home.

this

bbface · 01/02/2013 20:14

Personally, I would be happier for him to stay out. Mid it is a rare occurrence, and likely he won't be good for much anyway.

However, the fact is, you would like him at home. So it is totally unreasonable of him not to stay at home given you have recently given birth and have a toddler.

LaQueen · 01/02/2013 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larks35 · 01/02/2013 20:24

YANBU, tell him to factor in the cost of a taxi and preferably not get too wasted. I have a now 4yo and 10mo, my DP isn't one for nights out but had to work away when DD was just 8 weeks and it was hard being alone for the 4 days he was away. If your DH is home then he is likely to sleep better and be ready to help you earlier than if he stays out. Tell him it's that or no night out.

Annunziata · 01/02/2013 20:25

TBH I'd rather he just stayed out if he's going to go.

3monkeys3 · 01/02/2013 20:30

I much prefer my dh to come home. I get all jumpy and sleep very badly when he's not here - I am a big scaredy! YANBU.

oldraver · 01/02/2013 20:34

I think you not wanting to be on your own overnight is silly, you are a grown up so this shouldn't be a problem on the odd night.

However if it became too much of a regular occurance, you were always left to do the looking after and didnt get a chance to go out yourself...then thats a problem

foreversunny · 01/02/2013 20:40

YANBU and I really understand the way you're feeling.

Is there an element of resentment towards him with regards to him going out and you being left at home doing the hard work alone?

My DH goes out on a regularly-ish basis on over nighters with friends. He has done for the last 7 years. I've been out once in 7 years overnight (and that was my hen do!).

Nagoo · 01/02/2013 20:46

I'd want mine to stay out.

He'd piss me right off coming back stinky and useless.

LaQueen · 01/02/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotGoodNotBad · 01/02/2013 21:09

I'd let him stay out. OP didn't mention a "massive bender", just that he couldn't have a drink then drive home - fair enough. And he'd probably be asleep anyway when he got home, yes? I wouldn't make him come home just so that he can help out if both kids happen to wake at the same time.

Store up some points OP so that when the baby's older you can swan off and have some fun.

TidyDancer · 01/02/2013 21:34

It depends how often this happens. If we're talking every other night, that's different from a one off or even every few weeks, etc.

LaQueen · 02/02/2013 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelaLugosisShed · 02/02/2013 12:09

Why does it make you "sad" LQ? I wouldnt care for the life you describe but it works for the type of people you and your DH are, he is obviously a pretty responsible parent who doesn't take the piss, unfortunately it seems an awful lot of men aren't as equitable.
Surely not coming home hammered or staying out all night when you have a tiny baby is an absolute minimum standard of behaviour? It would be for me.

OP says "he doesn't normally do much in the way of child care" - this is a huge red flag to me.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2013 12:15

How often is this scenario happening ?

Do you get the opportunity to do the same thing (or something to your taste, that requires him to take sole charge of the dc's for a hefty period of time) ?

Those questions need answering first, IMO

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