To ask why do people 'loud parent'

[ElevenCent]

This woman from my NCT group does it all the time with her DS when we all meet for coffee and it's just ridiculous. She literally verbalises every thing they do with a question at the end and some sort of lesson. Eg mummy can't find her phone in her handbag can she James? Phone, James, PHONE. We ring daddy on the phone don't we? / Mummy is going to get you a rice cake, isn't she James? But we only have three left don't we, till we get to the shops. One, two, three. Shops. SHOPS.

I do engage with DD, naturally, but nowhere near on this level!

Sorry, I know this isn't a new topic, but it is so ridiculous. A couple of times I've echoed it with "what is mummy going to do tonight DD, drink gin, that's right, GIN. What does mummy like with her gin? Tonic, that's
right isn't it DD? But she might need to have it neat tonight, isn't that right?" however she is usually too absorbed in explaining to him why coffee is hot, HOT, and why it is sometimes in a mug MUG, sometimes in a cup CUP and why only mummies MUM-MIES drink coffee and not babies BABIES and why and why and why and why and why

NOt to mention it sound like they are talking AT their child rather than To them.

I agree Hob, and people think its a good idea to talk to baby may now feel more self counsciouse in case someone is watching them - listening to them and thinking they are a twat.

I have to admit until I came on here I never ever thought someone might be actually listening to me talk to MY baby and thinking something of it!

I used to do this. Mostly it was just chit chat with this little human I suddenly had who didn't understand but seemed to like my voice. Sometimes it was a bandaid over the oft felt crushing lonliness you can encounter when it's just you and a small person who dribbles and poohs. Sometimes it was my insecurity and lack of confidence showing, a kind of "I am doing this right, am I doing this right?" and occassionally it was done on purpose when I was around others who spoke to their children not at all, or those who looked like they were getting their judgeypants in a twist over something or other. (Whether they were judging or not I don't know, some probably weren't).

It IS funny to listen to, sometimes annoying but it's harming no one.

I had a lovely cup of coffee and a chat with a complete stranger and her baby a few weeks ago, maybe you could say hello instead of slag them off on some forum? Although if you start doing that to every mum who's speaking to their child, you'll probably come on here and find a thread about how annoying people who 'seem to think you want to talk to them' are.

You can't win.

Maybe the parent lets them observe most of the day whilst they are doing other things round the house - or working from home and when they go out the parents sees THATS the time to really chat and do the talking thing, because the parent has nothing else to do at that moment except focus on her child.

I agree with Pagwatch.

I do occasionally slip into performance parenting. I am totally aware of that. Thankfully I am not devoid of sense of humour and happily laugh at my occasional smuggery.

I haven't read the whole thread (oh c'mon it's 16 pages. I have a life) but I think its usually easy to tell the difference between a parent who's just casually interacting with their child (OK Josh, give the lady the packet of sweets so we can pay for them) and the type who's performing in front of an audience (Now Josh. What do we do with the sweets? Do we give them to the lady? Yes, we do, don't we? We do give them to the lady. Because we want to pay for them, don't we?').

And I agree with LaQueen. Some kids mustn't even know any of the other children on their road or have any inner resources whatsoever because they spend their time in the back of the car being driven from Joejingles to Waterbabies to ToddlerTennis to piano to extra french to speech and drama etc etc etc. A grandparent wanting to take them to a pantomime nearly has to book an appointment three months in advance.

I did it once on the train on my first train trip alone with DD (aged 4). Look at the sheep darling, theres a river etc etc eventually DD said "can you just be quiet please mummy"

Hahahahaha at Kerlas DD.

maybe keralas dd caught sight of some woman rolling her eyes to the high heavens and shifting in her seat thinking " here we go - some horrid LOUD paretning about to go on here"...so the poor child felt compelled to ask her mother to be quiet. ?

Or maybe she just wanted to hear the sound of her own thoughts...

I think Kerlas DD sounds fantastic. But most 4 year olds are not really able to recognise eye rolling, extrapolate from that that the person rolling their eyes is irritated by loud parenting and translate that into social embaressment sufficient to ask her mother to desist an activity she was thoroughly enjoying.

She might I suppose. Maybe that was why DS1 threw up in my mouth - so advanced and acutely mortified by my yammering on that he regurgitated as e not yet developed adequate speech to convey his mortification.

Fucking genius baby I had.

What LaQueen said.

I see so many children (school age) who haven't got the foggiest idea of how to entertain themselves because their parents have played the court jester from birth.

Pagwatch has an extremely good point there.

most children would find constant commentary when out and about over stimulating - think about it, they're in a relatively new place (it's unlikely you'd go to the same place every single day), so they're already topped up with learning experiences - new lights, new smells, new things to look at, maybe new things to touch.
if you then pile in on them with your own observations, you will most likely tire the child out and make them fractious and whiney (or they'll cry/tantrum)

so, when you go somewhere new, wait for their cues - the child should be able to let you know when they need to interact with you, same as when they're hungry or need a new nappy.

DD is mostly quite happy to be left to her own devices, even in this shop where we spend all day. she'll happily eat, drink, play with stuff without my interaction. when she wants me to talk with her, she'll get my attention and I'll play with her, read to her, or pull her up on my knee and show her what I'm doing. when she's had enough, she whines to be let down again.

ooops, sorry LaQueen

Yes though - I agree with LaQueen too.

I remember my mum saying to me 'will you just let him be for a bit'. It was great advice

Wonderful post LeQueen! Every time I see the 'performance parent' the DC is taking no part at all-you can see that they don't listen-they just let it wash over them. They need time to process it all-they give up listening because before they have even thought about what is being said the parent has moved on to the next.
I am a person who likes time by myself and silence-the mother who keeps up a running commentary of what she is doing would drive me demented!
One of my favourite sayings was 'as a mother I am a lot of things but I am not your chief entertainer'!

It is like everything-in moderation. Talk but listen, and give a bit of benign neglect. You wouldn't want a friend who rambles on and never lets you get a word in edgeways or never has a silence and I can't imagine why a baby or toddler are any different.

despite reassurance this isn't regular parental rapport
some are determined to do theface,sagely recall all they're doing is talkin
oh but the ridicule,vitriol inhibits the regular aren't,they feel so put upon.professionally offended

"Instead, the parent is driving the train, and stoking the fire like a maniac, and above the roar and the noise and the steam, they simply can't hear or see their child who is sat back in carriage no. 3. "

Love your little story there - but this of course is totallly differnet to a mum talking to her baby about mundane stuff at an NCT meet up!

this isn't thread about regular parental rapport.it's the loud,yappy show off parent
irrelevant where it happens,what's of note is volume,content,drone,performance
this is the performance for onlookers,talking at not to the chikdv