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AIBU?

AIBU to not expect my daughter to have to go to A&E following playdate?

185 replies

WileyRoadRunner · 01/02/2013 14:01

Ok will try and explain all without dripfeeding but have been made to feel i am BU so looking for opinions...

DD age 8 went to a friends house - there were to be 4 girls. Unknown to me there were also 4 older boys going. Whilst there apparently there was play fighting with wooden swords. This escalated and my DD decided she no longer want to play and went into another bedroom with one of the other girls (lets say A).

This led to the 6 other children swearing at my child and calling her names.

At this point the father of A who had turned up early went upstairs. He witnessed the boys with the wooden sword and told them to be careful. The girls would not tell him what was wrong but did not want to play with the others and were very quiet.

They then came down and asked A's dad to take them home.

When he dropped DD off he stated that he didn't think things had gone very well and that his DD was very upset. When DD got undressed her legs were bruised, bleeding and hugely swollen. My husband took her to A&E where it turns out she has a chipped kneecap.

The following day i get a sheepish phonecall from the host's mother asking if my DD was ok as the girl's all seemed "tense" with each other. I told her what had happened. She said she would look into it. I was perfectly reasonable but said i was unhappy with what had taken place.

As it turns out the phone call was prompted by A's dad calling her and complaining about the same thing....

I left it at that.

I then get an email saying that none of it ever happened and basically calling my daughter a liar. I know that what DD is telling me is true as not only does she have the injuries, the swear words she told me were used are very particular and these children have apparently used these in the past. A's dad also went upstairs several times and what he says correlates with the version i have been told.

The host's mum does not know that A's dad has spoken to me.

So after being lambasted in an email was i really being U when asked if my DD was ok to say no? Apparently her children swearing although she says now that it didn't happen is them experimenting and exploring words.

FWIW another child apparently broke their nose that evening!!!

OP posts:

Report

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 02/02/2013 12:38

How crap that the police aren't interested.

I agree that if you haven't already do tell your daughter that you contacted the police- she needs to know how wrong their behaviour is and that you will stand up and protect her as best you can.

cumfy · 02/02/2013 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/02/2013 12:55

Thanks Cumfy that's really nice.

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 02/02/2013 13:03

Why would you even say that cumfy? Wiley is thinking of her Dd in everything she is doing. She is very concerned that in dealing with this the wrong way she is going to make her Dds life extremely difficult at school. Perhaps she is in a small school where it is not possible to move classes. She has called the police and they are not prepared to act. She is now considering how to handle the other parent. It is very unfair to suggest that OP is not concerned for het Dd but more for herself.

AlbertaCampion · 02/02/2013 13:06

Sorry Wiley but I'm with cumfy. If you won't make a stand up on behalf of your bullied and beaten daughter - and she HAS been bullied, horribly, by both those children and that nasty idiot mother - then who will?

DumSpiroSpero · 02/02/2013 13:06

I can see where you are coming from re your daughter's friendships, but in all honesty, how do you expect her to continue to be friends with this girl under the circumstances?

You can't send your daughter to her house again, her mother is unlikely to encourage the friendship after what has happened.

At least having a quiet word with someone at school they are aware of the situation and if anything kicks off at school (which it might well do at some point) they will be on alert for it.

In this situation I would also ask if my daughter could be moved into another class, either next school year or when a suitable opportunity comes up that doesn't make it look too obvious.

I really wouldn't want her to be friends with these kids at all tbh.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/02/2013 13:09

cherries is correct. It is a very small school. No opportunity to move classes and my DD is very happy here.

DD has surprisingly not been bothered by this, she knows I am livid and have spoken to the mother and another one of the parents. She made the hosts daughter apologise for swearing at her.

But will she still be happy and thank me if rather than have nothing more to do with this other woman and freely say why that is I blow it all up.

It is most likely that she will suffer if I do this.

OP posts:

WileyRoadRunner · 02/02/2013 13:11

But the daughter was swearing but did not hit my DD - it was her brother and his friends.

There is no opportunity to move classes and there are only 4 girls in the class who play together.

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 02/02/2013 13:12

i would reply to her email with photos of your daughter's legs and say nothing else.

this is unbelievably shocking.

i have a mind to go round and slap her. pm me her address please.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/02/2013 13:12

And the girl apologised for swearing at my DD despite her mother denying the swearing etc. she does not know her DD has apologised.

To all intents and purposes the mother doesn't seem to bother with the girl very much. I think she is concerned about her boy.

OP posts:

Cosmosim · 02/02/2013 13:16

Why do posters turn on the OP and post insults when the OP takes advice on board, thinks about it and acts in a way she feels is appropriate. No wonder some don't come back to update on a situation

FloatyBeatie · 02/02/2013 13:27

My son and another boy decided to playfight with one another using sticks during a playdate at my house. My son got whacked in the eye so hard that we had to go to A&E. He was in very great distress and pain. The possibility of a fractured skull was mentioned (thankfully it wasn't fractured). The eye was swollen to horror-movie proportions.

The thing is, there was no malice or aggression from the boy that did it -- it was simply an inept and stupid piece of wild flinging about. And the responsible person was me, for not stopping the stick play.

I think in your situation, OP, I would want to find out if the incident happened due to stupid, over-excited wildness during consensual shared playfighting, or as a result of an aggressive attack. I can entirely understand the former being the cause of the injury, and then my main concern would be, why weren't the adults setting ground rules properly and supervising adequately? I would be angry at the refusal to ensure a proper apology, but I wouldn't want to paint the boy that did it as a thug or a target for police interest. I would be concerned by the swearing and ganging up, however.

manitz · 02/02/2013 13:36

Bullying is repeated and directed at a particular individual consistently.
definition from nspcc research paper:
Bullying is a pervasive type of aggression, which often occurs in schools. As with other types
of aggression, the harm that is inflicted ? whether physical, emotional or both ? is intentional.
However, bullying has defining features which set it apart from other aggressive behaviours,
in that it is repeated, and that the bully or bullies have greater access to power than their
victim(s).

This doesn't seem to be bullying unless it happens regularly and op's daughter has been unfortunate to have been the one. I have seen boys of this age playing with swords and it can often be very physical. The fact that the woman didn't watch them and didn't check on four boys playing with wooden swords around younger children is negligent, the fact that she then didn't apologise and react in an appropriate manner is also an issue. It would be surprising if the police regarded it as a criminal matter.

OP it seems the girl isn't having a great time either. If your dd likes her and wants to continue to be friendly with her then can they confine their friendship to school or playdates at your house? I think you are dealing with this in a measured way fwiw. I think you need to make sure you have had your say so you and your daughter can move on and then just distance yourselves from this woman and her son. Good luck. x

FloatyBeatie · 02/02/2013 13:38

Actually, the worrying thing is that for whatever reason your dd didn't feel that she could go at once to an adult and say that she was hurt. Usually at a playdate that would be the natural thing to do. Either some of the children pressed her to keep quiet, or your dd didn't really trust that adult to be a source of help when needed. So the injury itself wouldn't be what really set alarm bells going for me, but the context surrounding it is odd and troubling.

cumfy · 02/02/2013 13:38

I didn't say anything in the least offensive and wonder why my post was deleted.

Perhaps if Wiley had been as effective as representing her case to the police as she was at representing to MNHQ that my post was offensive, they may well have taken the case further.

Cosmosim · 02/02/2013 13:45

I reported you cumfy, and obviously someone agreed that suggesting the OP cared more about a car than her daughter IS a personal attack and quite vicious.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/02/2013 13:46

Cumfy I did not report your post

OP posts:

FloatyBeatie · 02/02/2013 13:47

Sorry you are getting a hard time Wiley. I think you are handling things sensibly.

cumfy · 02/02/2013 13:52

Maybe cosmosim should talk to Wiley's local police.

Cosmosim · 02/02/2013 13:57

You done being helpful on this thread yet, or would you like to post a few more digs til you feel better? Do direct them at me instead of the OP. I'm not in her stressful situation.

cumfy · 02/02/2013 14:04

Cosmosim, I think everyone on this post is most concerned about Wiley's DD.

You and me included.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/02/2013 14:16

That's simply not true cumfy and I don't know why you think that.

The police are not interested, my main objective is that my DD is happy.

Of course now I know what this woman's true colours are I do not have a civilised word to say to her. I am just unsure about whether a protracted argument with her is going to resolve anything. She will never change her mind or back down and it may impact on my DD in a day to day basis. She has been through a huge period of sadness already hence why she moved to this school in September.

She is incredibly happy at this school and this incident has not changed that. She knows that I am furious and that I have made those feelings known to the host mother. She has brushed that under the carpet but it doesn't mean I am going to be her friend or even hav anything to say to her in future. My DD will not be going to their house.

I am trying to weigh up what the next move is as my own mother would always weigh in on things when I was small and the result is that it made my own school days difficult.

No one is more concerned about her than me.

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 02/02/2013 15:41

The police were not interested that your child had been hit with a piece of wood until her legs were bleeding and she suffered a chipped bone

I have to say that I find that outrageous. Regardless whether you feel it should or should not be taken further, or any of that stuff, the police should be interested when someone reports something like that!

What did they say that demonstrated they didn't care? They just said sorry, that's not something we'd look into, or what?

BegoniaBampot · 02/02/2013 18:36

the police are often not interested. my 70 something yr old father got attacked by a young guy wielding a machete in broad daylight while walking his dog. the police were not interested even though my dad knew his address and who he was.

HecateWhoopass · 03/02/2013 09:33

Bloody hell.

That's awful, it really is.

how can they justify not being interested in something like that?!

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