AIBU to not expect my daughter to have to go to A&E following playdate?

[WileyRoadRunner]

Ok will try and explain all without dripfeeding but have been made to feel i am BU so looking for opinions...

DD age 8 went to a friends house - there were to be 4 girls. Unknown to me there were also 4 older boys going. Whilst there apparently there was play fighting with wooden swords. This escalated and my DD decided she no longer want to play and went into another bedroom with one of the other girls (lets say A).

This led to the 6 other children swearing at my child and calling her names.

At this point the father of A who had turned up early went upstairs. He witnessed the boys with the wooden sword and told them to be careful. The girls would not tell him what was wrong but did not want to play with the others and were very quiet.

They then came down and asked A's dad to take them home.

When he dropped DD off he stated that he didn't think things had gone very well and that his DD was very upset. When DD got undressed her legs were bruised, bleeding and hugely swollen. My husband took her to A&E where it turns out she has a chipped kneecap.

The following day i get a sheepish phonecall from the host's mother asking if my DD was ok as the girl's all seemed "tense" with each other. I told her what had happened. She said she would look into it. I was perfectly reasonable but said i was unhappy with what had taken place.

As it turns out the phone call was prompted by A's dad calling her and complaining about the same thing....

I left it at that.

I then get an email saying that none of it ever happened and basically calling my daughter a liar. I know that what DD is telling me is true as not only does she have the injuries, the swear words she told me were used are very particular and these children have apparently used these in the past. A's dad also went upstairs several times and what he says correlates with the version i have been told.

The host's mum does not know that A's dad has spoken to me.

So after being lambasted in an email was i really being U when asked if my DD was ok to say no? Apparently her children swearing although she says now that it didn't happen is them experimenting and exploring words.

FWIW another child apparently broke their nose that evening!!!

[fuzzpig]

Fucking hell

I think you need to team up with A's dad here. Don't just leave it - I understand why you don't want to rock the boat, but the message that it sends to your DD - that people can hurt her deliberately, and face no consequence - is a damaging one in the long term.

Forget the swearing though - it is awful, but it does happen, and anyway you have no evidence of it really. Just focus on the injury. Lots of photos.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I agree with fuzzpig.

Todo somethhing about this will teach your dd an important lesson, that what happened was totmally unacceptable, that you will stand up for her.

I do understand your hesitation, though.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Sorry about typos

[MOSagain]

On that basis OP I think you need to report to Police. It would be a different matter if parents accepted what had happened, were mortified and had read the riot act to their little bastards/kids. They haven't though and are being too blase about it all.

fuzzpig (brief hijack!) - how are you? if you are at a loose end tomorrow night I've organised a charity race night at MJS, should be a fun night x

[toffeelolly]

Sound's like your dd was.in middle of a battlefeild, If it were my dd i would be reporting this to the police . what kind of mother is she to allow this in her house . some people do not deserve children !

[MunchkinsMumof2]

Sorry haven't got time to read all of this but if it was my DD, I would be getting the Police involved as she has been assaulted. Magistrates see 10 year olds in Court now. Poor DD.

[HecateWhoopass]

People who say its ott to report to the police. Are you saying that if someone set about you with a piece of wood and hit you until your legs were bleeding and your kneecap bone chipped, you would not go to the police?
I am just really confused when people are like this. Something that if it was done to them, would surely be a police matter, is not one because its a child.
Why is that? Because I genuinely don't understand.

[marriedinwhite]

If they are school friends I would be minded to ask for an appointment to see the headteacher and explain what happened and ask for advice. If this happened to your daughter there are likely to be other safeguarding issues in relation to this family. Sorry if that sounds tough but I think I'd let a professional know and the let the professional take the decision.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

'Why is that? Because I genuinely don't understand'

Hecate I agree with you, but I think when people think it isn't a police matter it's because the attacker was a child, not the victim. If an 8 year old was beaten with sticks by an adult everyone would say go to the police. It's because the attackers were children that it's put down to out of control playing/something that school or parents should deal with. Given that some of the 'attackers' will only be 9 years old, the law would agree with them.

[deleted203]

YANBU - I came onto this thread thinking it was going to be someone up in arms over some trivial thing but this is horrendous! As other posters have said, your child was deliberately assaulted and injured by other children, whilst supposedly in the care of an adult. If this had happened at school you would be kicking up hell with them. The woman's attitude is unbelievable - I would be sending her an email in reply stating that:-

'My daughter's injuries, deliberately inflicted on her whilst in your care, required a trip to A&E. We have photographs and medical evidence stating that she is not only bruised, bleeding and swollen but has also suffered a chipped kneecap . Your attitude towards this is beyond belief. I understand from another parent, who is also furious, that mine was not the only child injured. We expect an explanation of how this could have happened and an apology otherwise we will be reporting this assault to the appropriate authorities, which will include social services and the police'.

It should put the fear of God in this woman, if nothing else.

[Kalisi]

I can't believe that there is even a question of not reporting this to police!
Maybe, just maybe if I had received a grovelling apology from the Mother the next day along with genuine concern for dd and a promise that the children involved had all been pulled up about it THEN I might consider dropping it. Honestly OP,in your position I would tear this Fuckwit a new one!!

[crunchbag]

sowornout's email is a good idea.

[HecateWhoopass]

I see. Thanks. I really couldn't understand it at all. you would do more for your child even than for yourself, not less.

Well, I have to say the age of the person doing it wouldn't make a bit of difference to me. I would report it, whether the person who beat my child until they left them bleeding and with a chipped bone was 80 or 8. or 5. I would have no control over what action the police chose to take, but I'd make damned sure they were aware of it and I'd be pushing for the authorities to be involved. Because some sort of intervention would clearly be needed. It simply isn't normal for one child to do that to another.

That 8, 9, 10 year old who does that and is excused or defended and is never taught that it is unacceptable runs the risk of becoming a 15 year old who does that, becoming a 20 year old who does that. Particularly if they have a parent who condones or excuses it. At least if the police are involved, they will see to it that it is taken seriously and not dismissed by the parent as just a jolly jape and no big deal.

[BrittaPerry]

Please don't teach your daughter that the correct reaction to being beaten by a stronger person is to smooth over it by being nice and not mentioning it.

Even if you feel like you are friends with/in love with someone, if they assault you that is not ok and they need at least reporting to people stronger than them who can protect you.

I know that isn't how it seems, and I really do feel for you, but her being friends ith the family is more reason to follow it up, not less.

[Sokmonsta]

I also cannot believe you are not considering reporting this, or even phoning and asking for advice. Your daughter was assaulted. By not reporting it, you are giving her a lesson she may take on board and have repeated to her throughout her life, that the behaviour she experienced has been normalised and there are no consequences to it. consider if this was an adult beating a child even though the child was begging for it to stop, or a spouse's reaction to their partner's injuries...... Yes, they are extremes. But these people had to start somewhere.....

Your daughter needs you to speak up for her. Whilst I agree that A's father may back track, you may also find as an 'outsider' the other parents who have been dragged into an unwilling conspiracy of silence/inaction will support you.

[Matildaduck]

I can sort of see why you wouldn't want to call the police. What you do need to do though is make every other parent aware of what happened! Photographs may be used to reinforce the point.

She had her chance to quietly deal with it.

[WorriedMummy73]

Please, please get the police involved. This is about teaching the Mother that she needs to parent more responsibly. Case in point, there is a family at dc's school where the two older kids (both absolutely vile, nasty bullies throughout primary school) are now raising holy hell at secondary school. Mum and Grandma will not have that the kids are in the wrong, despite the numerous complaints to both schools and the police. Eventually, either the penny will drop and the adults will do their jobs properly or the kids will become violent adults. And this is what will happen with the boys who beat your daughter. You MUST report this - or it could happen to another child.

[SoggySummer]

How awful.

Sometimes peoples attitudes make everything 1o X worse. If she had been genuinely horrified and upset about the incident (like any normal parent would have been) amd apologised profusely - yeah it wouldnt fix the knee cap and broken nose but everyone would be moving forward from this now.

I am not saying you would forgive and forget but there would be a better atmosphere about it and easier to move on. This will now always be the elephant in the room.

Hope your DDs knee heals quickly.

[fluffypillow]

Call the police.

[beautyguru]

YADDDNBU!! I would be absolutely livid if this was my DD and even more so about the appalling way the mother has "handled" it. I would certainly be taking this further in line with most of the other posters above. How can she call herself a mother and say it was just "horseplay"???? Furious on your behalf

[manitz]

Wiley, I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't react (police or other) but was rushing my response because dh came home and I'm supposed to be parenting!

I'm with married in white, I think there's more of a safeguarding issue here than a police issue. I think you may also get some legal and useful advice from the headteacher in confidence than rushing in with the police. I think part of the issue here at least is about how the other (violent) children are being treated by the mother at home. I'm not sure if failing to discipline may come under emotional abuse? certainly it is odd.

before you go down that route I would also check that mr A is happy to be involved and on your side and also work out what you actually want the outcome to be as, if you are new to school, and this mother is very involved you could find yourself isolated.

I don't think you need to worry about what messages you are giving your daughter about her self worth. i would be frank with her and explain that what happened was wrong but whatever course you decide to take you can explain why it is right in this situation. I also didn't mean to make this boy/girl, my oldest daughter is in year 5 (the same age as the boys mentioned) which is why i mentioned it and her favorite game is childminding/teaching and she is very responsible which is why I don't tend to police playdates very well.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

What sort of message do you think 'yes they were wrong to beat you DD, but mummy doesn't want to be unpopular in the playground so we won't mention it again, ok' sends manitz?

[manitz]

To add, I also agree that it would be a good idea to send an email and I think it's very useful that she's started to communicate via email as you can then state your case clearly (and will have a record of doing so). I would start off with one which lists exactly what happened and states what medical staff told you but I would start with a very reasonable tone. Something along the lines of

'thank you for your email. Perhaps there has been some misunderstanding about what occurred last xxx. For the record when my daughter returned home there were distinct injuries on her legs which were serious enough to cause us to attend A&E. The xray taken by doctors showed amongst other things that she has a chipped kneecap. When we asked her how these occurred she told us blah blah. As she was in your care at the time and you now refute this explanation perhaps you can explain how the injuries occurred? We are obviously very concerned that she has been hurt and would like to know how, we are also concerned that you state that she has been lying as we feel there must be a reason why she said this. I have attached photos of her legs so that you can see that the injuries are quite nasty and await your reply'.

[manitz]

Sorry outraged cross post. They were ten year old boys playing a game and without being there it's difficult to tell what happened. I don't ever stop my kids going anywhere so I think banning my child from someones house would give them a pretty big message. But I wasn't saying don't go to the police just that whatever op decides to do will because she has explored different routes and will have a rationale for her decision which I would then honestly explain to my child. Presumably she will know that she has done the best for her.