AIBU to not expect my daughter to have to go to A&E following playdate?

[WileyRoadRunner]

Ok will try and explain all without dripfeeding but have been made to feel i am BU so looking for opinions...

DD age 8 went to a friends house - there were to be 4 girls. Unknown to me there were also 4 older boys going. Whilst there apparently there was play fighting with wooden swords. This escalated and my DD decided she no longer want to play and went into another bedroom with one of the other girls (lets say A).

This led to the 6 other children swearing at my child and calling her names.

At this point the father of A who had turned up early went upstairs. He witnessed the boys with the wooden sword and told them to be careful. The girls would not tell him what was wrong but did not want to play with the others and were very quiet.

They then came down and asked A's dad to take them home.

When he dropped DD off he stated that he didn't think things had gone very well and that his DD was very upset. When DD got undressed her legs were bruised, bleeding and hugely swollen. My husband took her to A&E where it turns out she has a chipped kneecap.

The following day i get a sheepish phonecall from the host's mother asking if my DD was ok as the girl's all seemed "tense" with each other. I told her what had happened. She said she would look into it. I was perfectly reasonable but said i was unhappy with what had taken place.

As it turns out the phone call was prompted by A's dad calling her and complaining about the same thing....

I left it at that.

I then get an email saying that none of it ever happened and basically calling my daughter a liar. I know that what DD is telling me is true as not only does she have the injuries, the swear words she told me were used are very particular and these children have apparently used these in the past. A's dad also went upstairs several times and what he says correlates with the version i have been told.

The host's mum does not know that A's dad has spoken to me.

So after being lambasted in an email was i really being U when asked if my DD was ok to say no? Apparently her children swearing although she says now that it didn't happen is them experimenting and exploring words.

FWIW another child apparently broke their nose that evening!!!

[Narked]

Ten is the age of criminal responsibility.

[5madthings]

If the boys are in yr 5 then they will be 9 or 10 yes old. I have 10 yr old boy and there is no way he would do this. I could almost understand ONE hit with a wooden sword when a game gets out of hand but your dd was repeatedly hit, she was beaten by a group of boys. If they are capable of this at 10 and are not disciplined and their mother sees it as 'horseplay' what kind of men are they going to grow up to be?

I can understand you are worried about reporting this and repurcissions but you must!! For your dd and do these boys realize the seriousness of their actions. This was not horseplay or exuberant behaviourthis was a violent act by some children on others.

I have five children and we often have others round and they play all manner of games and yes they can get carried away but this goes FAR beyond that IMO.

[cumfy]

Have you asked DD what actually happened ?

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

wiley I am horrified that this happened to your DD. I can understand that you don't like confrontation or that you feel this mother has some sort of control/power in the playground/school but your DD has been seriously assualted and you must take action for your DD's sake. I don't think that going to the police is ott but if you don't feel comfortable with that at the very least you should be responding to this mother's e-mail along the lines suggested by a couple of posters above. I would also question this mother's role at the school as a class rep if she is capable of brushing something like this under the carpet so would probably raise it at the school.

[nightowlmostly]

I am not good at confrontation generally, so I understand your reluctance to stand up to this woman. I have to say though, and my DS is only 9 months old now, but I do feel that if something like this happened to him I wouldn't hesitate to go round there and ask her what the actual fuck happened! I'd be so mad. I agree with previous posters, she has had the chance to make it right, by apologising, being horrified at your dd's injuries, but she hasn't taken it. Call the police, go to the school, kick up a fuss. I can't help but get the impression that the adults here are falling into playground politics. You're scared to stick up for your dd because she is class rep, you don't want to get on the wrong side of the

[nightowlmostly]

Oops posted too soon.

You don't want to get on the wrong side of the popular personalities in your new school!

I don't want to sound harsh, really, but that is quite pathetic. Stick up for your child, she's been assaulted at this woman's house. Report it, forget about playground bullshit.

[Moominsarehippos]

Was it horse play or an actual 'whoops you got hit...crying? Haha oops hit you again!' Which is bullying.

I'm one of six kids. We used to rough and tumble but none of us ever ever got injured or injured anyone else. Out mum would kill us if we hurt anyone - intentionally or not.

Not sayig these boys will turn out to be muggers or wife-beaters but they need to be told NOW that this is seriously border-line with assault and criminal behaviour.

Has the OP tried the non emergency police number for advice? I know its a horrible situation, but someone needs to take this mum down a peg or two in a way that she will never ever allow this to happen again. And not in a way that she becomes the 'victim' of an over protective parent. I would tell the school - loudly - that the marks and chipped bone means that DD needs to be careful in PE etc. Tell them how it happened (matter of factly). I'm always paranoid that the school questions childrens' injuries anyway, so I would make sure they knew that I hadn't been beating her! If other mums hear, all the better.

Tell your family, friends, lady at the checkout... just the facts. They need to know, so that when she comes back with the 'silly woman, lying child, over reaction, something about nothing, etc' then people will think 'chipped bone, broken nose - nothing??? Stuid woman' and hopefully say it to her face.

Stick up for your girl and yourself. Show her that the big gobs and loudest voice doesn't need to win every time.

[MunchkinsMumof2]

I don't understand how you can be so passive about this assault Wiley You are not giving your daughter a positive message about sticking up for loved ones. Look beyond your own issues with confrontation and report these thuggy boys.

[DumSpiroSpero]

I've been thinking about this since first reading it, particularly since I am also a fairly non-confrontational person, but I don't think I could let something like this drop.

I'd definitely email the woman back with photos and of your daughter's injuries, questioning how exactly she could accuse her of lying when they are clearly apparent. If they visible injuries were bad enough for your DH to take her to A & E there is really no room for the woman to try and pass them off as an accident even without taking into account the chipped bone. I would probably be inclined to point out to her that she should be taking it more seriously for her own sake, as another parent may be more inclined to involve the police, social services or a personal injury lawyer.

I would ask the hospital/GP for a written documentation of her injuries and take that and copies of the email into the school to see the Headteacher. For a start, this covers your back should the school think something is amiss involving you. Hopefully this will also raise questions about the other parents suitability to be taking any kind of official role in school life. I would also suggest that a whole school assembly about 'knowing when to stop' would be in order.

[Footface]

Thanks for clarification, I was just curious that A's dad was present at the house, and didn't take appropriate action, and now realises he could have done more. But it sounds like he didn't really know what was going on.

What sort of outcome do you want for you dd are you happy with an apology still or do you want to take it further.

I think you should contact her again, with pictures of her knee and see what her reaction is. you poor dd must have been in a lot of pain, and I would question the mums ability to care for children if two children managed to be do badly injured in one play date.

[Cherriesarelovely]

My god, this is horrible! Of course YANBU! You have to take this further. I don't care what the other mum says your daughter was badly injured by these children an there need to be consequences.

[Footface]

I also think you should add in your email that the hospital were very concerned how such an incident had occurred and would have to consider contacting social services.

That might wake her up a bit!

[Cherriesarelovely]

FWIW I absolutely loathe confrontation too but recently had to overcome that to stand up for my Dd. It WAS excruciating and resulted in the former friend never speaking to me again and other people taking sides BUT I do not regret doing it for at all.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Just to add myself and my Dd were also called liars and it was very hard but manyother people reached out to support us and verify what we had said. You have evidence, you are far from overreacting.

[Moominsarehippos]

Just re-read the original post. So there was also swearing, name calling and absolutely no apology/concern by the mum.

I would also speak to the other child's mum and dad to see what she has told them.

I would worry - a lot. Kids need to learn that no is no, and bullying/lying/verbal bullying is not on at all. Boys can act like a pack (girls too). What if they decided it would be fun to try an ink and thing-that-you-use-to-draw-circles-with pointy thing tattoo (as some demented kids did when I was at school)? Or peek at the girls knickers? Climb out onto the roof?

DS has come home with a huge bruise on his head (he whacked it on a funfair rude, trying to jump up) his friend's dad almost ran to the door when I arrived, apologised profusely, told me how it happened, that he was upset but was ok after a hug and a lolly, and what cream they'd put on it. Then a hi-5 to the boy about being brave etc. He also had a wobbly tooth knocked out when he was wrestling another boy and the older boy/his parents were mortified (especially since DS hadn't told them it was very wobbly).

Normal people care. Even if a child is hurt messing around or doing something they shouldn't have been doing, as a parent you would care. That is human nature. There is something very odd about someone who is that defensive and protective of her own above all others.

They will grow up to be right bullying, self-rightous arses (and hopefully put her in a nasty retirement home as she has not taught them compassion or consideration).

[mrsbunnylove]

make sure she has a phone and can phone home for help. or keep her where you can see her, which is the best way.
if they are over ten, it might be worth talking to the police.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

I'm shocked you are not taking it further. Obvipusly you don't think what happen ed was serious enough.

[Moominsarehippos]

I think there's an important lesson for all:

Bullying gets punished.

Your kids' shit does not smell of roses, and covering for them also gets punished. Kids will lie when they have done something bad (and they obviously knew it). You can't always take the word of children and have to conduct your own investigation into events sometimes to get to the truth.

Bullies and thugs deserve to get punished and no-one has the right to treat you in a bad way. When you say no, people have to listen.

A child entrusted to you is your responsibility. You have to give a shiny shit about what they are getting up to and keep an eye/ear out for trouble.

God, I really hope the other mum is on here somewhere...

[WileyRoadRunner]

Actually drink that's not true at all. Ok rang 101 yesterday but thr police are uninterested. My DH wants to just leave it now unless the mother approaches me again. Obviously she will not be going round there again.

It is very difficult to know what to do. I am being old that the parents of the other boys are "fine" with what has happened and that the blame rests with every child that was there.

It is also hard as there are only 4 girls in the class, they are all still on friendly terms but I don't want to make my DDs life difficult when at that the moment she is happy at school. That's my reservation. She has to sit next to this woman's daughter but are they going to remain friends if I stir it all up?

[Thumbwitch]

Ok, so the police have shown no interest but at least you phoned them. Does your DD know? She should know that you at least tried to do something about the way she was treated - your success or otherwise is slightly less relevant to her, than that you tried.

Who is telling you that the parents of the other boys are fine? And anyway, they were the ones hitting your DD so why wouldn't they be? They didn't get hurt!
Or are you talking about the broken nose?

I think, so long as you can let your DD know that she never has to be in that position of danger again, then her trust in you will be OK. As far as the other mum is concerned, I wouldn't be speaking to her again either unless absolutely necessary - her gall and brass neck, to say nothing of the lies, is quite incredible.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Sorry OP, must have missed that you called the police. This is really unacceptable, how can be there no action to take to tackle such situation?! Not sure it's a great idea for the girls to be friends anymore . I don't see how you could police that though.

[cumfy]

You phoned the police and told them your 8yo daughter had been assaulted suffering a fractured patella .... and they didn't take it further ?

That really is very very odd.

[MOSagain]

sadly if boys are under 10 there is NOTHING the police can do (ie they can't be cautioned or charged as below the age of criminal responsibility). However, if I was in the police force still I'd have gone around and had a word with the parents

[bigfuckoffpie]

I'd take it up with the school - she shouldn't be using information she got from the school to use to contact you about a personal matter. She also shouldn't be a class rep. And the school need to look out for your daughter being bullied.

Can you get your daughter moved to a different class?

I'm really surprised A's dad let his kids go there again if there had been an issue in the past.

No wonder she's avoiding you, she must be frightened you will take it further. And rightly so.