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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a 8mo at my birthday?

35 replies

TigerLily89 · 01/02/2013 01:18

It is my birthday at the end of February and so I sent a text around to my friendship group and ended the text saying that partners were welcome too.

Everyone text back but one, and most could make it. I randomly by chance bumped into the friend who hadn't text me back a couple of days later and she brought up my birthday straight away saying she hadn't text back (I hadn't mentioned it btw) but she was unsure as to whether it was suitable for her baby.

No it's not suitable, it's a gambling environment where people will be drinking. But surprisingly I didn't plan my birthday to make it 8mo appropriate.

We are also hiring a car/minibus to take us as it's around 40 minutes away with little traffic. So I'd feel obliged to leave early if she wanted to leave as she might not be able to pay for a taxi home by herself.

And I feel a baby would completely change the dynamic of the event too.

I might sound selfish but if she said I can't come because I don't feel comfortable leaving baby at home then I would be fine with that and would never hold it against her.

I just think sometimes as parents we sadly have to miss out on some social events even if we really want to go.

OP posts:
Colliecollie · 01/02/2013 01:21

When she said she was unsure if it was suitable for a baby that was the time to say no!

MarjorieAntrobus · 01/02/2013 01:25

Why didn't you just tell her it wasn't suitable?

MurderOfGoths · 01/02/2013 01:26

Did she just ask you if it was appropriate for a baby? Or did she ask you to have the baby along after being told it was inappropriate or to change your plans for her baby?

NatashaBee · 01/02/2013 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TigerLily89 · 01/02/2013 01:26

Sorry - she knew what the event was and I said I'm not that it's suitable and she asked me to ring up the venue to see if 8mo are allowed.

OP posts:
MarjorieAntrobus · 01/02/2013 01:44

No, but it isn't so much whether the venue will or won't allow babies, more that you don't want a baby there because of what you said about changing the dynamics of the event plus everybody having to leave early to get her home.

Just say NO!

SirIronBottom · 01/02/2013 03:28

It's your birthday, so for that one day a year you are entitled to let the world revolve around you. Nix the baby!

Hyperballad · 01/02/2013 03:39

I get lots of nice invites out despite having a 7month DS, I always ask that question as they might have invited me fully expecting the baby to come too or they may have invited me expecting me to leave the baby at home.

So I always check to whether they want a baby there or not. I expect people to be honest with me. You should have just told her that the night wasn't suitable for the baby.

I'm always surprised how many times my mates make the baby welcome, maybe I should double check a few times in case they lying to me!!

Illgetmegoat · 01/02/2013 03:49

I really can't imagine wanting to a) take my 8 month old to a casino/club/whatever where it will be full of noisy, excitable, drunk happy people as both baby and patrons will probably not appreciate each other and b) give up a night of fun with friends, celebrating and enjoying recklessly gambling with my £2 stakes or trade it by having to be hovering with a baby that stops me from playing, engaging with other adults and being in the room frequently then sloping off early. Maybe I've just been to some less classy places but even my fairly bomb proof lot would be overwhelmed by the generally increased level of hubbub and occasional whoops in a casino type place.

I have passed on invites as I wasn't ready to leave my babies, I have left babies as I wanted the night out - i don't really understand why/how she's wanting to combine the 2. Probably I'm being dim! Just say no OP you do have the right to enjoy the birthday you want and have planned and paid for; I think your friend is BU actually.

Can I come instead? I'll front the first round?

Molehillmountain · 01/02/2013 04:18

I think grown up evenings like this one are just something you have to miss out on when you have a baby. I wouldn't have left mine, but I wouldn't have brought them either. I guess it might be different with a very tiny newborn who would sleep in a car seat the whole time but even then it's not really suitable. I felt a bit weird when a baby came to a school mums night out a few weeks ago and that was just a curry. But we'd all gone out to leave kids behind and have a good night out and suddenly there was a baby, wanting entertaining.

ripsishere · 01/02/2013 04:25

YANBU. I was seldom invited out when DD was that age . I'd have left her like a shot though.

Diddydollydo · 01/02/2013 04:33

Why did you not just tell her No and suggest a drink one other night when she's actually free?

ApocalypseThen · 01/02/2013 08:15

Who imagines that a baby would be included in an invitation to a casino?

C0smos · 01/02/2013 08:21

Under 18s are not allowed in casino areas where there is gambling, you can walk round the outside bit but not in the gambling area, this includes slot machines.

atthewelles · 01/02/2013 10:27

I just don't understand parents who think their babies are welcome everywhere, no matter what the event. It is not about whether people like babies or have children of their own or whatever..... Sometimes people just want a nice adult, child free night out without other people's children crying, whining, spilling things, interrupting the conversation, looking to be entertained, asking to go home etc etc etc

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch · 01/02/2013 10:29

If its a casino or bingo the baby won't be allowed to go anyway x

KC225 · 01/02/2013 10:50

Apocalypse: Kelsey Grammer.

They took a baby 14 weeks to a party at the Playboy Mansion

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2013 10:54

Why on earth didn't you just say 'No'?

And if a good friend, invite her and baby around for lunch or something.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/02/2013 10:55

Anyone with half a brain should realise that a birthday night out at a casino or whatever is not suitable for a baby/child.

Why would anyone want to take one anyway.

newNN · 01/02/2013 10:57

Even if she does bring her baby, it doesn't mean that you have t alter your plans to take account of it, at all. I think you are creating a problem where none actually exists. It's her baby and therefore her problem if she needs to leave early - you don't have to fit in with that.

The venue isn't suitable imo and I wouldn't take a baby, but it only changes the dynamic if you let it - just carry on as you intended and let her worry about caring for her own child.

I would call her and tell her that you don't think it's a good idea because of the drinking and that you want a big night out so won't be leaving early and then just leave it up to her.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/02/2013 11:01

Why didn't you just say 'it is an adult only evening'?

Yfronts · 01/02/2013 11:03

If it's gambling it might be restricted to 16 or 18+?

If babies are allowed maybe you have booked the taxi to return at X time so she knows how long the event will be.

Havingkittens · 01/02/2013 11:26

Maybe your friend is one of those people who assume that because they are invited, you actually wanted her to be there. You do know that she has a baby so she may have assumed you'd taken that into account before asking her. Some people hate to say no or let people down socially, regardless of their situation so maybe she was trying to see if there was a way it could work out that she could keep everyone happy. I also know of quite a few people who were not always in a position to be able to leave their babies, even at that age. Perhaps, when she got pregnant, some of her other friends without kids goaded her and groaned and said "Ooh, I suppose that means you won't have time for us anymore" (it does happen!) and so she's extra conscious of making sure she doesn't isolate herself of let her friends down. She probably mentioned it straight away before you did because she felt guilty that she didn't text you back and was still trying to work out a solution.

I know it's obvious to most that a gambling environment is not suitable, nor welcoming for a baby, and that anyone with "half a brain" should be able to work that out. Maybe it hasn't occurred to her because she hasn't had much sleep lately and isn't thinking as rationally as she normally would? Some pubs and restaurants are happy to let people bring a baby, the gambling aspect may not have even entered her mind.

I'm just trying to give the benefit of the doubt. I doesn't sound like she's thrown a tantrum that she can't bring her baby, it just sounds like she'd like to spend the evening with you celebrating and is trying to see if there's a way to make it feasible. I don't think it's fair to appear so cross and exasperated with her over it.

Of course, if she's generally a self centred prima donna then I take back all I've said Wink

PickledInAPearTree · 01/02/2013 11:55

Maybe her babies a dab hand on the roulette wheel?

Just tell her this particular one is adults only but if she can't come you'd love to meet her another time in a more baby friendly environment so you can catch up.

Floggingmolly · 01/02/2013 12:37

Most people, when invited out for a drink in the evening, would understand full well that their baby was not expected to put in an appearance.