To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

OP are you trying to wind us up? I find myself getting really annoyed at your attitude putting dvds in the bin fgs you sound like you have major problems of your own not your dd are you sure it's not you with the problems ? Fancy being so cruel to he,r you are not nice at all, not how a mum should be behaving you sound like a bully .

Lowla, small children don't have the same distinct line between reality and fantasy as adults do. The fact that she's an "honest liar" suggests that she doesn't understand lies/truth the same you do, doesn't it?

Oh dear - just read that you do shout at her. Can't you see that this is harmful?

At first I was full of sympathy for you OP, but honestly your latest posts are infuriating!

Your lovely little girl isn't deliberately being 'a compulsive liar' ffs!

She's 5 years old, has ASD and has a Mummy who is furious with her for no rational reason or fault of her own!!

I would suggest perhaps talking to someone in RL about your feelings, someone who's researched and understands ASD really shouldn't be reacting to a small child in the way that you are.

My son is 5 and has ASD. He loses things a lot, I understand the frustration, but it's not his fault and not your Dd's fault either. She's not doing it maliciously.

You need to come up with a new strategy for school, the lunch money isn't working so give her coins every day instead. The school may encourage giving children the money once a week but I'm sure they didn't base this rule on a 5 year old child with SN so you have to adapt to suit her.

Speak to her teacher about missing clothes/items and try and think of a strategy together, a checklist at the end of the day for her maybe so she remembers everything? Or ask for a special tray she can keep her stuff in so it's all together in the one place?

Good luck.

My dd is receving the support she needs. She has a individual learning plan, and her SALT teacher has devised a plan with class teacher, which class teacher incorporates into lessons every day. They've bought in a special learning programme/course for dd too. Which the staff have all trained themselves in and the teacher uses in class.

The only issue is the missing stuff. The school is brilliant, and dd loves it there.

I think you need some help to understand her ASD. Even if she didn't have ASD it sounds like you don't really have a perspective on 5 year olds, or you are too stressed to see her POV. That's maybe not your fault, but she will be the one to suffer.

And what about the way you're reacting to her OP? From the way you've described your reactions to her this evening I'd say that's a pretty obvious 'issue'.

I thought autistic children are not prone to lying so often.

No the only issue is you.

Deep breaths Lowla. What can you do to make things better?

Things that spring immediately to my mind are (DS, 6 is being assessed for HFA so I have been where you are):

-is everything labelled? I label EVERYTHING - with stickers, sewn in labels, massive felt pen

• don't ever buy expensive stuff. I did once and it was a total waste of time/money. Everything is cheap. Buy her a cheap pair of shoes that nearly fit - honestly the difference between width fittings/lengths is tiny. Wearing shoes which don't fit properly for 1/2 an hour's PE at the age of 5 is not going to lead to lasting damage
• make an appointment with her teacher. Easter is too far away. Tell her that she is losing things and ask how the school can support her. Tell them that she is not capable of being responsible for her dinner money and that their system does not work for your DD.

You need to take control of this and talk adult to adult to the teacher. They know she has difficulties so they need to help her or check that she has everything.

Chances are the things will turn up. What you need to do is come up with strategies to help avoiding the confusing muddle that ensues as a result of things getting misplaced.

Phone the school tomorrow or go to the office after drop of and speak to someone. Your dd has needs. She needs a little support getting these things done. Surely to goodness they can't prevent her accessing school dinners because of one incident. Tell someone you will be dropping the tenner into the office. Speak up, demand they accommodate your daughters needs.

I think the only issue is that your expectations way are beyond what most 5 year olds are capable of, particularly a 5 year old with additional needs.

Small children lose things, they can't be trusted with money, they get confused, they are emotionally immature and they live in a fantasy world half the time!

Not necessarily, my DS1 will occasionally fib, from the fantastical to the mundane, yep, he's autistic, but sometimes they can also just be kids being kids.

I have a boy with asd in my class. We have a special provision for collecting his reading book in because he kept on losing it, never mind money to the sum of 10 pounds.

Also you have said that money is not the issue here as you are not short of money - so why all the stress?

sherazade, that's what I thought. My Dsis is severely autistic and I've always been told autistic people don't understand the concept of fantasy or lying!

I would suggest that DD's lies are being told because she is scared to tell the truth.

I've never sent my kids to school with cash, in case it's lost.
We pay by cheque as I can just write another if it gets lost.
Even secondary schools don't recommend taking cash in, students have cards that parents top up online.

Hope you've calmed down a bit now

My DS is 8 and has ASD. I label all his school things, I even put iron on name tags on the fronts of his clothing. Helps him find them and stops others "mistakenly" keeping them. Did you see the thread on here not so long back about blatent stealing of kid's school stuff?

You are expecting way way too much of her and the way you are talking about her and how you feel is off the charts!

Why does your DD's full school not have any TAs? Not one?
Why do they expect and encourage parents to send 5 yr olds in with ten pound notes?
Why is there no understanding that your DD has ASD and will struggle with looking after her things?
Why do they not have an open door policy, and the chance to speak to teachers at the start or end of day?

Have you looked to see if there is a local branch of NAS in your area? There's one in mine and it's a fab source of support.

Jeez.

Firstly, calm down. You being angry with her is like being cross with a dog for barking.

She CANNOT help it. Therefore, you need to adapt your routines to compensate, this is what parents of AS kids do.

Take her dinner money money into the school at the start of each day/week/fortnight/month/term, write her name in everything, even have her wear her PE kit under her normal school clothes on the day she has PE but please, please stop the anger.

No my dd is not scared of me. She's not scared of anything. Discipline of any kind has no effect on her at all: telling her off, naughty step, no bedtime story, no TV etc etc.

Her DVDs seem to be the only thing that actually mean something to her. So taking them from her might finally be the disciplinary method that works.

And no i don't have an anger problem. I've just had a very rare outburst, and made the mistake of telling people about it.

Her lying isn't just every now and then. Almost every sentence that comes out of her mouth is a lie. I seriously can't tell the difference between her telling the truth and lie.

I ask her what she did at school today. She lies.
I ask her who she played with today. She lies.
I ask her what book is she looking at. She lies - even though i can see it.

And she doesn't care!

I don't think you realise how bloody frustrating it is to be fed lies every single time you try and have a conversation with your daughter.

I realise they're just stupid lies, but they're still lies. If the checkout lady asks what age she is, dd will lie to her, and when i correct her, dd makes out i'm lying!

I dread to think what she tells the school about me, because dd constantly tells me her teacher bit her today, or the office lady poured water on her etc etc.

With regards to lying, my DS doesn't lie for the sake of lying, iyswim, he'll say something because he wants to believe it, or it's something he's engaged with at that particular time.

If you have experience with a family member who's autistic might I remind you that ASD is a spectrum, and every child and their capabilities are different.

You cannot overly stereotype or pigeonhole autistic behaviours!

I think you have to take control and force the school to work with you even more than you say they are.
Insist on paying the dinner money yourself
Recognise children fantasise ie/ I went to the moon today mummy(my 5yr old) is not a LIE, it's imagination.. fantasy.