To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

Am shocked at the number of posters reporting so many items "lost".

If you deliver your child with said items into a fenced and locked school, how can they be lost?

There must be a great number of thieves about. That must be the truth of the matter.

If your budget is that tight why did you spend so much on p.e. kit for a 5 yr old?

'There must be a great number of thieves about. That must be the truth of the matter.'

Are you thinking of the other 5 YOs or the staff?

Neither would be plausible.

My dd used to go to MS school, not one f her things went missing and dinner money would have to be paid into te school office. Your dd school sounds very in affective op ts not your dd fault. By saying tey are trying to get the chidren to have more responsibility tey are negating tei resonsiblites

Having read only the first and last pages of the discussion, I guess the unspoken issue is that the OP doesn't have a lot of money, so money and clothing going awry like this has a big impact. I do feel sympathetic for that reason.

But I also agree with everyone else. Your DD sounds lovely. It's not really her fault, and she's not old enough to understand why you can't just pop out and buy a new pair of shoes every time one goes missing. So the school is the issue here, not your DD.

DD's in bed. I'm getting a little worked up again.

I've asked her again about the purse and she says she told her teacher that Mummy didn't give her any dinner money. She lied! I told her again, yes i did, but you lost it. And she just went quiet.

It's annoying me that the school think i'm the clumsy/forgetful one. Especially with that last comment today, asking me to double check i've not left them at home.

I'm just fuming that someone else has got her brand new purse, the ten pounds and now her Clarks shoes.

And it wasn't an expensive p.e. kit at all. It's a simple polo shirt and shorts and gym shoes.

Today, however, they were outside for P.E so i had to provide outdoor trainers. The only pair she has are Clarks ones because she is a half size, and one foots narrower than the other.

The school won't accept cheque for dinner money either. This is really playing on my mind. I just want it sorted. And i've just told dd that for every time she lies to me, i'm putting one of her DVDs in the bin. Harsh maybe, but i'm sick to death of her lying to me all the time.

My son is 9, in year 5 and bright. He loses stuff all the time, jumpers, pe kit, pencil cases, hats, scarves, gloves etc. He is very disorganised but has got a bit better this year. Ask the school if you can pay dinner money my cheque and give your little girl a cuddle, it's really not worth being mad with her, talk to her about it later when you are calmer

Does she understand that it's a lie? It sounds odd that she would be happy to tell you what she told the teacher if she understood it wasn't true and she would be in trouble for it.

I think your expectations may be a little high.

TBH, it's not even the money issue. I'm not 'hard up' or anything, just trying to save so setting myself budgets on things like shopping, days out etc.

It's more the fact that:
I don't feel the school is taking me seriously.
DD is clumsy and a compulsive liar.
I know this is going to keep happening and happening.

Five year old children have no concept of the value of money. How can they? Money is just something that is there to them. They have never had to work for x amount of hours to earn that money nor have they had to budget to make £x last for y number of days.

Ok, so it's more the lies that worry you, but it will just be a stage and she will outgrow it, especially if you react calmly. She is only 5 and most tell a few lies at this age

No wonder she lies and makes things up to cover her tracks. You sound like you have an anger problem.

Yes, Sam, she realises it's a lie. She has no fear of being told off/disciplined though. she's a very honest liar (think that's called an oxymoron?) She tells lies as if they're the truth. Such as telling me she went to the shops at lunchtime today. I realise it's a lie. So does she. But she says it anyway.

She also told me she was wearing her trainers for P.E today, even though her teacher told me she was wearing her hard school shoes instead. She said her teacher was lying. not her.

I second, third, whatever, getting yourself over to the Special Needs part of mumsnet - loads of supportive people pver there who will offer a hug, kind word, good slapping with a wet kipper - what ever you need!

I have a DS with an ASD. Before he was diagnosed I wenth through a phase of being horrified at some of the things he did - they were the things that most showed that he was not NT.

You keep saying that the school is lovely, the teacher is lovely, the children are lovely BUT it all comes down to the fact that your daughter is not receiving the support she needs......

When DS was in Reception he had a story sack to bring home every week. At the time I was working full time so he was going to breakfast club and after school club. For about 3 weeks the sodding story sack got left on the playground or get wet in the rain and I was charged. DS was NOT capable of looking after it on his own - none of the other 5YOs in his class were expected to as they had their carers bringing them to school. So, I spoke to school and we arranged that the story sack would be left in the room breakfast club was in and collected by the TA during register. Point is that school needed prodding to put that support in place.

She does need support. Push so that she gets some.

I felt so desperately sorry for you OP - you were angry at your DD and deep down you knew that was wrong. You KNOW your DD is different - she's probably an amazing little girl with a stunning personality! Don't let the opinions of others make you doubt what you know. My Mum did the doubting thing until I got her a book from Amazon about AS.

I offer hugs (shhhhh) and hope you feel OK. I still get really cross with DS at times but I take a deep breath and try very hard to remind myself that he isn't doing it on purpose to annoy me!

you're going to trash her toys whenever she lies and she's 5!!
This thread is going from bad to worse.
What have you done to teach her that lying is morally wrong?

Lowla can you draw a line under the shoes and the purse. I know it's a lot of money (and people seriously, spending £25 on decent shoes for a child is not crazy, extravagant or indeed unusual) but try to let go of your anger and think about how you can improve things for future.

For what it's worth I do the same. Ds has decent weekend shoes (Clark's trainer type things) and decent school shoes and plimsoles for school.

MrsMushroom I understand you want to help Lowla, as do I, but unfortunately you're misinterpreting my post.

I'm just gently trying to suggest that in stressful situations like this reactions can be a remarkably accurate reflection of the adult's own childhood experiences.

She's 5. . She shouldn't care, IMO

No, i don't have an anger problem. If you'd read my previous post, you'd know this is the first time I've shown any proper anger towards dd. I'm normally very calm.

DD doesn't lie out of fear. She doesn't have any fear! She just makes up alternative truths. She lies about the simplest of things, such as saying she saw Gran today in school, or that she went on a helicopter ride during playtime, or that she had jam in her sandwiches when i know she had cheese.

Listen, OP, I understand that you are stressed and frustrated. God knows, we all can identify with those emotions! But try to put yourself in your DD's position. She really does not understand anything about money. Her comment that you could just buy new shoes demonstrates perfectly that her conception of money is very limited. So it is unfair in the most basic way to blame her for her lack of understanding.

Now imagine you are a small girl. Your mother, who is all-powerful in your world, is so furious with you that she is literally shaking and doesn't even want to look at you. Do you think in that situation you might try to defuse the anger any way you could, including by lying?

Of course you want to teach your DD to be responsible for her possessions. But I think you are expecting far too much of her and then blaming her for simply being a child and being on the autism spectrum, neither of which she has any control over.

But Lowla a lot of children are like that, even older ones. I told my mum my friend had fireworks that spelt out her name in the sky when I was 7. Total bollocks, she knew it, I knew it, but I liked the idea and I wanted to tell the story.

And children fear getting into trouble. So they just lie. It's easier.

I feel really sorry for your dd. You do not sound like a rational person at all. Is she afraid of you? Do you have angry outbursts - do you shout at her?

Lowla

It will keep happening because she is 5 and she will lie if she thinks it is better than the alternative - telling the truth and you being angry. She can't win.

Please try and see that your anger is disproportionate. It sounds like you need some support. Children can't change their behaviour unless we change our approach to them.