To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

Oh dear it sounds like one of those hideous days where you (the mummy) has got very tired, very stressed & needs a break. Have you got support at home or are you doing this alone? If you on your own no wonder you're exhausted & fed up & I think you need more support - an ASD support group might really help. I think you need to draw a line under the lost items - in the grand scheme of things they really really don't matter. There are some things which can & should be addressed - notably the school policy on dinner money etc does not help or address the needs of your child (nor most 5 year olds and to be honest as a secondary school teacher nor most teenagers!) and therefore must and should be adapted/changed for your DD. You are clearly doing a great job with your DD if she is able to do things like sit in the other room & draw pictures for you to cheer you up - look at the fantastic skills she's showing, kindness, empathy, concern for others, spending time on her own etc and that's fabulous even without her SEN diagnosis. I think this incident is more about your reaction than what happened. Write to the school (much more effective than speaking to individuals I've found) explaining what needs to happen to suit you for dinner money & lost items, go and speak to your GP about feelings of anxiety, stress etc & perhaps seek out some RL support groups. Above all remember you sound like you've done a really good job so far & keep on remembering that. Try and show your lovely DD the same kindness hopefully you also deserve. As to the lying - meh truth is a bit moveable at that age I think & if she's worried about upsetting you that is probably of prime concern in her head & she'll say/do anything to not upset you.

YourHandInMyHand, totally agree. We have in our school TAs to chase things up who are aware of the children with SN who need extra support to keep their things together and prevent things being misplaced. We do not expect or encourage our children to bring in money. We are flexible with out routines for children with SN so everyone for exmaple empties out their bag in the morning into the right baskets- fruit basket, reading book, library book, homework. The children are encouraged and praised and expected to do this independently by now bar those with SN who genuinely struggle and lose/forget. We have an open door policy morning and afternoon and I listen to every parent who needs me and don't usually finish till 9.30!

What seems to be riling you is the thought of you being blamed, thought to be a bad mum. Am i right?

Think how your DD feels then, about being blamed.

I also think that when i get most angry it is when i am most worried, and i get angry with the person i'm worried about, which is totally counter- productive. Is that what you might be doing, OP?

If so, you have to talk to someone about the worry. Not punish the person you are worried about

Lowla, you realise that children only develop the ability to tell fantasy/wish from reality between the age of 3-5? It's a developmental thing. I'm sure your daughter is not a "compulsive liar". Please think about the labels you're dumping on your child.

My DS can tell some whoppers; "DS did you eat all your snack today?" "I tried to but the bin jumped up and took my snack off me" "So you put it in the bin then?" "yes".

If it's a half size she needs then get cheap sandshoes a half size bigger and get insoles to put in the shoes. PE lessons aren't that long at that age after you take into consideration getting 30 5 year olds changed into PE kit and back into uniform again so it won't cause huge amounts of damage.

CheeseStraws

Good point.

I dread to think what she tells the school about me,

What do you think she is telling the school about you ?

Bowing out of this one, I'd be heartbroken to think anyone ever thought about my boys in that way, so dismissive and angry.

I couldn't even begin to fathom feeling that much resentment towards my child, even on the toughest days (and my god there's a lot of them) I remind myself that it's not their fault they behave and react differently to other children their ages might.

Sickened and saddened

I have a 7 year old relative and still half the things she says are pure fantasy! What she had for lunch today, that she went to a princess party with her best friend last night and they played on an iPad, she's going to move house, she's getting a parrot...

TBH, hearing things like 'i didn't think autistic kids told lies' makes me think you're the ones who ought to research ASD more. What a stereotypical view.

DD is very honest. She says what she sees and thinks. She also lies, because she has a vivid imagination (yes -people with ASD really can have imaginations too), so will lie about the simplest things, to the extreme things. My worry is that she can't tell the difference between the two, but maybe she's just a good liar.

I seriously think that you need to start understanding your dd's ASD and how about throwing in some empathy her way too? She is not doing this to hurt you. You need to be less selfish and look beyond yourself and how this makes you feel - it sounds to me like she is dealing with a great deal with you the way that you are.

She is a child - from reading your posts one might think that you were of a similar age.

Are you reading anything we have written.

We are trying to help, support. Your answers are getting more rigid.

Lowla I do get that you're frustrated. I think you've had a lot of good replies here.

My mum also thinks I'm scared of nothing and she has always said so. But I have always been petrified of her.

C'mon countrykitten that is waaaay over the top to the op! Bloody hell, just because the op is 'angry' it doesn't mean her dd is scared of her!

O.K., it sounds as though your child may still be uncertain about the line between fantasy and reality. She may believe that if she tells a story about something, then it will come true. It's a kind of magical thinking, and it isn't particularly unusual among very small children. Due to her ASD, she may be in this stage a bit later than some children.

I'm afraid you do sound extremely angry and resentful of your child. I very much doubt that punishing her by throwing away her DVDs will have any effect other than to hurt and bewilder her.

Lowla at that age a lot of kids CAN'T tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

It's so totally normal.

Why don't you demand a meeting with the school/her teacher and explain how your dd is at home and say you need more support and that you cannot trust your dd with the school money etc. they should be helping you not hindering you and giving you no support

Deep breaths.

From what I know of the ASD kids I've worked with, she does know they're lies but doesn't know it's wrong to lie iyswim. She will probably outgrow that. The clumsiness, maybe not.

I would really try to set up a meeting with the school. Perhaps she could have a binder with checklists so the teacher knows exactly what she's brought to school and can tell DD "look here, Mummy's checked off the picture of the gym shoes so I know she packed them. Where can they be?" And I would demand request a different system for lunch money. She has SN and they need to make allowances for that.

Fwiw, I have always been an, "oh I'll just buy another one" type of person. I care deeply about people and relationships, but not really money or things. Drove my mother CRAZY when I was little. I'm the same now that it's my own money...just not bothered by lost or broken things. I can appreciate that it is incredibly frustrating though. I DO get irritated now when DS can't find his mittens or things like that because it always happens two seconds before we have to leave for school and running to the shop isn't an option!

Sorry you are right. I am just very worried about the anger and resentment this woman clearly feels towards her child - it chills me tbh.

But as I said, you are right and I cannot offer any support to the OP as I feel that she is in need of help beyond that which an internet forum can provide.

I wish your dd luck OP.

OP

my DD is 5 and has ASD

she loses stuff all the time

she can also tell lies, only she doesn't realise they are lies. often they are her interpretation of the truth.

she can tell lies because she doesn't have the theory of mind to understand the impact of not telling the truth.

I am still curious Lowla did your parents' have similar expectations about your behaviour at around 5 years ?

Poor child, 5 years old and having to have financial responsibility for making sure her school dinner money is being paid.

Why are you putting this responsibility on her?

You cannot expect a 5 year old to have that kind of responsibility. They are in the play/learning stage.

Why on earth is the school not collecting this via internet banking?
Are they stuck in a time-warp?

The reason my answers are getting rigid is because i feel like a lot of you are suggesting i am sort of abuser!

Cumfy - thanks for quoting just a tiny part of my post, putting me into a terrible light. I said dd tells me that her teacher bites her and hits her, so i dread to think what the teacher hears about me. As in, i wouldn't like dd saying to her teacher that i bite and hit her. (which i don't - just thought i'd clarify that for all the people who think i'm some sort of deranged child beater).

I'm also a bit shocked that so many of you say you don't discipline your children. Why the shock over me admitting i tell my dd off when she does something wrong? Confiscating her DVDs is something i'll try, and i pray it works. Because nothing else has. Unless you suggest i never attempt to discipline my child, and let her bring herself up/have free reign?

For the millionth time, i don't have an anger problem. I've just had a shit day. But it seems you can't admit that on here without being diagnosed as having anger issues.

My dd is not scared of me. She's scared of no one. She would tell me if she was. When i was telling her off today she was full of smiles. Which is probably why i got really mad. Because she wasn't realising she had made me angry.

The only reason she made me the picture and letter was because she wanted her TV show on. After i received them, she said "Now can i watch TV?" and got pissed off when i said no. "But why not? I've made you a picture?"