To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

[Kiriwawa]

Stabby - i am using the wrong terminology then. I thought it referred to any condition/neurological disorder that meant that children needed extra support in school. I was not in any way implying anything about Lowla's DD's IQ so I apologise if that's how it read.

[pigletmania]

Kaekae I think we have moved on from the original op

[bringmeroses]

Ah Lowla - when I read your first post I was worried at how upset you sounded - incredulous that the school expects 5 yr olds to look after £10 let alone ones with autism - and touched that your DD draws pictures for you.

School routines can be a challenge for all parents and with your DD being the way she is it's bound to be tougher. The school should be working with you though, to be understanding and supportive of your DD so neither of you have these kind of hassles.

As for your family, if they prefer to be blind to DDs condition then that's their choice although it must be v hard for you not to be able to share things with them. Older generations especially can be unempathetic as it just wasn't as recognised when they were growing up.

[shewhowines]

Haven't read it all but can understand that you are frustrated despite knowing that she can't help it. We all over react sometimes and I think that you realise that you have, in this instance.

You need to make an appointment to see the teacher. Don't leave it till easter. You need to make different arrangements for her money/belongings than the other kids. The school needs to support you with this. You also need to raise the concerns regarding the lying and get expert help in how to approach this - SALT? Explain what she says about their staff and explain your concerns regarding what she tells them of you. See if they,ve noticed it as a problem in the classroom or if it is only you she lies to. This needs to be addressed as part of her special needs. Ask for help with it even if you have to talk to the doctor.

It is frustrating but don't lose track of the fact she is only 5 and because of the AHD she can't help it.

[Pagwatch]

we need a cry of 'differential diagnosis people' every now and again when our dc are being unfathomable.

I think my families inability to understand /talk with me or support me was a particular low.
They used to endlessly talk to me as if I was imagining things and I was forced to endlessly detail his difficulties just to try and get any of them to recognise he needed help. It was excruciatingly painful and incredibly isolating.

[Flobbadobs]

Lowla have been lurking on here since your OP and I think you got an undeserved pasting from some people. I've had some good advice myself on the SN boards and we are (still) waiting for a referral for DS as a result of the reassurance I got over there.
And FWIW, our school also expects the children to hand in dinner money to the teacher after registration. It goes in the reading bags, the children are remonded to take it out and it's collected in then taken to the office by the special helpers (the children chosen that day). This happens from reception upwards. I went to the same school many years ago and the same happened.

[MammaTJ]

You might do better to post in special needs or even in chat if you need support with something like this again. AIBU is a bit of a boxing ring.

I am in the process of tryign to get a diagnosis of ADHD for my DD age 7 but keep being told she is just lively. Well you jolly well look after her when she is prowling round the house at 3 am then!!

[waltermittymissus]

OP I think your last post was just brilliant and hopefully it will serve to make people think in the future before throwing around a diagnosis!

[TheFogsGettingThicker]

Last night I read the beginning of the thread and was appalled.

I have read the whole thing now, and OP, I'm so sorry for you. You have so little real life support. You have carried this by yourself for too long and the stress on you is immense. I'm thinking this is why your feelings over this latest incident are so intense.(Even if you think they're not!)

Are there any support groups or parenting courses locally you could join? You need to have somewhere to vent andsometimes just be able to nod and say "Me too!" I have a 5 year old DS with ASD and I find it tough enough even though I have supportive family on side.

I have found the SN board very helpful, even though I don't post on there very often, I lurk and find the solidarity very reassuring.

[CinnabarRed]

Hugs all round to those in need.

Lowla, you sound like a fantastic parent. When I read your thread last night I really didn't understand you, and agreed with posters who said that you were the problem. Your last post has forced me to completely revise my opinion. I'm sorry I doubted you, and I wish you and your DD every happiness in the future.

[AudrinaAdare]

DS has HFA and attends a school for children with learning disabilities. He is 5.5 and has a reading age of 8.9. No problems with his level of learning in any subject, however his autism means that he will not be able to access or use his intelligence if certain things are not happening.

There was a study done which showed that social skills are a much more important factor in determining life chances than IQ. This was across the population so has a massive impact on people with autism in particular. My son's learning needs are social not academic and he is impaired in that respect.

OPs DD sounds incredibly able but she needs to have a few issues addressed in an appropriate way and perhaps this organisational fail on the part of the school might be a symptom that the overall level of understanding of her condition might not be as it should be.

[Narked]

I'm sorry you got flamed and had some very unhelpful responses.

I'm glad you had a chance to get out some of the stuff you haven't been able to talk about.

[Catchingmockingbirds]

stabby my son is high functioning. He also has a low IQ and his cognitive processing ability is on the 13th percentile. He has a learning difficulty.

[StabbyMacStabby]

Kiriwawa, no worries, your definition is what I would call Special Educational Needs but I'm probably incorrect in that.

I suspect that zzzzz thinks I'm very wrong (although no names were named). Although I didn't actually say that "High" referred to severity, I said it referred to a normal or higher IQ which was my understanding from the DSM-IV. I understand that the impairments of autism make for a great many difficulties, including academic learning as well as day-to-day living.

It's a very emotive subject, tbf. I don't want to offend anyone. It's hard enough as it is.

[StabbyMacStabby]

Oh crap,completely wrong!
Apologies all round. Really. Sorry.

[AudrinaAdare]

I wasn't offended at all Stabby just having a discussion and thinking about DS' needs led me to wonder if the OP's school understands.

[BinksToEnlightenment]

I haven't posted yet. I've only read your replies, op.

I think, to be brutally honest, your replies come across as defensive and a little aggressive.

But - big, big but - I would be exactly the same if I were you. I would get annoyed over the things you have. Not because they're annoying in themselves, but because they're happening over and over again and you're powerless to stop it. It's frustrating. I think you were remarkably controlled because when I got myself alone, I would have punched something. To have someone keep losing the nice things you've bought = really frustrating. To have someone consistently lie to you = really frustrating.

Also, I would have gotten cross at everyone making accusations at me. It's bloody horrible having a whole thread turn against you. I don't think anyone does themselves any favours by becoming defensive - but it's really hard not to. To have a whole mass of people turn against you is upsetting; doubly so when it's about your parenting.

Well, I just wanted to say that. I wanted to be another voice amongst the many to be on your side.

[Kiriwawa]

Oh don't feel bad Stabby - the whole thing's a minefield. I'm glad we have it resolved :)

[mamamibbo]

our school tells you off for going into school with money, i refuse,sorry, my son has asd and he has guitar lessons at £22 a term and i recently had to pay £85 for a trip, no chance is he carrying that

as for the lyingm he has a problem taking responsibilty of his actions so would blame me, i explained this to the teachers and they have seen it for themselves now so i get letters etc posted because i wasnt getting any

[mamamibbo]

and no matter how much you understand its not their fault its still bloody frustrating!

[StuntGirl]

I'm glad you came back lowla and got to get that off your chest.

Wilson's post at 11:32:06 is very helpful and insightful. I hope you can take some comfort and advice from other parents who've been where you are OP. You're not as alone as you think you are, there is help out there. I hope you can get the support you and your daughter need.

[SummerRainIsADistantMemory]

Zzzzz... Ds2 is severely speech delayed.

He also has a high IQ, above average language comprehension, is way ahead of other children his age in terms of numeracy and is universally described as bright and communicative.

He just can't speak very clearly as he has verbal dyspraxia.

Speech delay is not an indication of learning disability.