To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

manic yes but not everyone is as far sighted and some people need extra input so they can understand what they're dealing with.

OP, your thread has made me feel very .

Your beautiful DD is 5 years old, and has spent this afternoon/evening desperately thinking up ways to placate her incredibly furious and angry mummy. She can see you are furious, despite not understanding exactly why, because she is not able to see why. No 5 year old understands money issues in the way you do as an adult, let alone a 5 year old with ASD.

Imagine being your DD for a minute, imagine the total fear of telling mummy that you have lost something again, because mummy will shake and cry with anger and be furious with me, and I don't know what to do to make it better. I know, I'll draw mummy a picture, she'll like that, it's her favourite..a butterfly, yes, I'll do that.

Only DD doesn't know that mummy is in the next room
Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

WTF does that mean? You'll end up hurting her feelings? Wasn't shouting at her all around Asda's, to the point that other shoppers were giving you dirty looks, hurting her feelings? Or shaking and crying with anger?

I'm sorry if this is an unpopular opinion, but I feel dreadful for your DD.

Do you think she honestly loses these things on purpose to piss you off????

Your argument should be with the school. Any school which puts this kind of pressure on a 5 year old to be responsible for their own dinner money and belongings, should be made aware if one of the parents feels like punching a wall because that child has lost something due to their weird rules!!, and if they continue implementing rules whilst knowing the implications once that child has gone home, then they want bloody stringing up.

It is not your DD's fault. Your DD is not doing it on purpose. Your DD is trying to placate you, and make you feel better, while you say you cannot even look at her, and you are directing all of your wrath at a 5 year old who is being put under incredible pressure by a school who clearly don't understand what a 5 year old is capable of.

I am and on behalf of your DD.

She as ASD to boot so will not be as mature socially and developmentally as the other chidren. Yabvvvvvu wand ave hgh expectations of a child so young. Why don't you talk to her teacher r TA. Surely you should be handing all money to a responsible adult.

Mine would lose it if I gave him money. In fact my 9yo would too. We hand it in at the office. I don't understand the school's approach to your dd's needs. There's no specialised support for her at all by the sound of it.

They need proper advice if nothing else - ours got in a specialist from the LEA who goes round all rthe schools advising on these issues. He was great and gave them loads of strategies...circle of friends, social stories etc.

It sounds like you have a lot of demands from them about what she needs to have etc but they won't help her cope with the stuff when she is there and that's totally not on.

No wonder you feel under pressure. Also you sound hurt by her lack of remorse - I understand that. But you wouldn't need it from her if you were feeling Ok in yourself and more understood/supported.

I only get REALLY cross with mine when I am being put under pressure by other people/school/etc etc and the kids stop me doing as good a job as I feel I should be, of it. Does that make any sense.

Your poor daughter.... She's FIVE YEARS OLD. Perhaps your expectations of her way too high??

For a start the school needs to change it's lunch money system - get an adult to take the money in and deposit it in a 'safe box' as we do in our school.

As for losing things - well this is pretty normal for a 5 year old and she's not doing on purpose. One of my children has ASD and he still loses things on a regular basis (he's 10).... Yes, it's very frustrating but seems to go with the ASD territory.

Wow - try and remember what it's like to be 5 and how daunting it can be starting school... Having worked in Foundation myself I know how chaotic things can be with a bunch of 5 year olds. Things go 'missing' on a regular basis but usually turn up in the end. If they don't - well it's annoying but not the end of the world is it?

She'll definitely be picking up on your stress so maybe time to give her a bit of slack??

What littlemisssarcastic said - to the letter.

MrsMushroom, why are you projecting all these qualities on me?

manic, you know that being a parent of a child with sn is very tough going and it's forever. Sometimes it's difficult to be wise and calm and look at a situation dispassionately. OP needs to, but she's going to need more support IRL than she's getting, and some calming and centering strategies for herself. Or she'll crack and her DD will be truly stuffed then.

I think the teacher & school should be helping reception children take more care of things. An entire PE kit must be somewhere, if it is named & does not turn up in lost property I'd be livid, but with the school not my 5 y o daughter. DD1 lost a jumper on the school field in summer, but that was it. And the money issue is ridiculous, dinners should be paid for in a lump sum to the office at the end of the previous term.

no, it is not in school somewhere, it has buggered off on holiday with dd's right plimsol... neverr to be seen again. (or only to be seen again when both children have grown out of them)

They are basically trying to make her do things that she cannot possibly cope with. How on earth is that supporting her needs, it's shite, they need bollocking - or educating - they are being truly rubbish.

You're cross with her instead of the school. You need to REDIRECT this anger at the people who deserve it. NOT at your lovely dd, because it ain't her fault - but you know that really.

just the bloody school, God I would tell them where to get off. Are there other schools you could consider who actually cater for SN?

I know very well what it is like to have a child with ASD. It is bloody tough and sometimes it does all get to you. But that doesn't then give me the right to put the blame for things on my child.

The ASD is besides the point as it is perfectly reasonable to think that any 5 year old would lose the money and mislay items at school. I still wouldn't be getting all het up and angry about it to the child, to the point where it is laboured all the way around a supermarket.

My 4yo lost something the other day, I forget what it was but I was annoyed about it. "Never mind," she says, patting me on the arm, "We can get another one from the shop." But that costs money, DD, say I, We don't have money to buy another one. "That's okay," she says reassuringly. "You can print some money on the computer." She just doesn't understand. I've explained that you get money for working, but she just sees me hand over a piece of plastic that I get given back in the shop.

I view it like learning not to throw food on the floor, or run in the road - you just need to keep on explaining, reminding, and going over it. Just because it hasn't gone in this time doesn't mean the message isn't going in on some level. Your DD will get there.

On a practical note, can you get shoes on Ebay to keep costs down?

She is 5 years old. Money might be tight and must leave you feeling very anxious, but please don't forget where your daughter is in all of this. Yesterday my purse was stolen, today i got a parking ticket and then found DD drawing on our white leather couch in permanent marker... My thoughts? I was stupid to have left the marker within her reach and i refused to take my frustration out on an innocent child. I hope you don't feel misunderstood here but please remember what is more important- that your child feels loved.

Your school's policy is SHIT. demand to see a teacher and say you cannot give your child the responsibility yet and that you expect some help.

I am at your school!

I agree with littlemisssarcastics post as well, but not in a 'fucking hell, I feel sorry for your DD OP' way to have a dig at the OP, but in imagining what must be going on for the OP to say certain things.

You need to calm down. This is a little 5 year old. She shouldn't be subjected to your irrational anger. Please calm down.

All children lose things. It's easy to lose things in schools (imagine 30 people sharing a tiny cloakroom where most bags look the same and lots of shoes, coats and things look really similar too).

She's 5! At our school you can only pay school dinners through the school office.

You sound very OTT.

Can you pay for lunches via cheque?

Lowla I would reiterate what other posters have said about posting on the special needs board. To look at different strategies to help you and your daughter and also ways in which school could be supporting her needs appropriately.
You do sound as if things have got to much for you atm and I can empathise with that, I happy to pm you if you want?
I have an 11 yr old severely autistic child and think a lot of the responses on here have been really harsh, no one is perfect everyone fucks up every now and then, well I do anyway!
Go and give her another hug, try and forget what has happened today and then start to plan ways in which these situations can be managed for dd and for you.
Take care.

The school really is to blame for putting a hell of a lt of responsibility on little children. Their way of doing things sucks and I would complain to the HT and make a lot of noise, it s not fair on thse kids, they are not preteens/teens! I wuld insist that dinner money is handed in to a responsible adult and demand to know why dd stuff is going missing. To place an enormous amount of responsibility and blame on your dd op is both unfair and unkind! the staff should be keeping track of chikdrens things, equally it's your responsibility to Mae sure all items are labelled so staff can identify them

I have a dd 5 with ASD and developmental delays, noway would I give er £1 nevermind £10 to look after. When I hand dd over to her TA it's their resonsubility for dd things not dd would no have a clue. Yes your anger should be directed t te school not your poor dd, go and giver her a hug and apologise to her

Doesn't she have a reading folder?

Apart from anything esle SHE IS FIVE!!!!!

I understand your frustration but at my sons' school, everything that needs to go to the school office goes in their reading folder, the PE kit hangs on their peg for a full half term etc etc., things do go missing, but it's me that finds them (and rightly so).

Call up tomorrow morning, ask to speak to the head about this. If you can't see the teacher just before/after school, then see if you can book an appointment with them as well.

I do think you have overreacted rather extremely. Your DD is a child, losing things is what children do. Even the most responsible children occasionally lose something. For most kids, it's an almost daily occurrence. Add in your DD's diagnosis of autism, and it's no wonder she is struggling.

But it seems as though you are expecting your child to have adult emotional and/or cognitive responses to this situation. That way madness lies. She's a child, she isn't NT, so her responses will be very different from an adult's (especially an adult who is NT).

It broke my heart a little to read that your DD was doing her best to defuse your anger: drawing pictures, writing apology notes. Of course it's frustrating for you to deal with her losing things. But your DD really shouldn't be the focus of such intense anger.