To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

[Lowla]

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

Cumfy - i have no memory of being five. So i have no idea what my parents' expectations of me were. What an odd question...

Look.on the bright side, kids generally do.lie. it is a developmental stage. it means a) she has an imagination and b) she is experimenting with fact and fiction. She's creative.
and there was a study that said early liars rarely grow up to lie anymore then others but are often success in business.

Don't punish her for lying, reward her If she tells the truth.

Think your anger us a separate issue. some days I am proper furious the next day i realise it was OTT hormonal reaction. At the time i am convinced i am right.

Lowla the school ate not supporting her enough if her things are going missing, she is only 5. When you hand her ivereacting they are in loco parentis e tey are responsible not your dd! My dd sed to lie as she did nt undersnd what wasa sed f her. You are getting very defensive and angry with te wrong people

I don't understand why you say "she hasn't shown any remorse", when she drew you a picture and wrote you a note to promise she wouldn't do it again!

That's more than my 5 year old would do!

The teacher will have heard a million bizarre stories from 5 year olds over the years though, so I doubt she thinks anything.

No one is saying don't discipline, but discipline has to be appropriate! Your expectations of your little girl are unreasonable - losing things and making stuff up is not really naughty behaviour, is it

People are reacting to the venom you're spouting OP.

The levels of resentment you're displaying are shocking. We all have awful days, we don't all react to that extreme.

Perhaps try to understand your poor little girl, empathise with her, and ask for more RL support to help you have strategies in place that are effective for her and her needs.

I have not tried to paint you in any kind of light.

But ithinkyou ou need to hear the mass of parents here, trying to support you and telling you that you are placing unrealistic expectations upon your DD.

She and you are destined for failure unless you hear what people are trying o tell you.

My son has autism. I use discipline but only in a way that is effective. You are in danger of using it just to punish her because you are having such a hard time

fwiw, i don't think you have an anger problem, OP

you are very rigid in your perception, and do not seem to be able to understand anyone elses train of thought...

Jamais, she only did that because she wanted her TV show on- not because she was sorry for losing her things. She was trying to figure out a way in which i'd let her watch the telly, that is all.

She's 5 years old. YABU.

Cumfy - i have no memory of being five

A lot of people can remember that age and how their parents acted.

I'm not sure it's that odd.

Do you really think it's an odd question Lowla ?

What do you want from the thread ?

What resentment?! I love my dd to bits.

I was pissed off with her earlier. I was in a state of tears and feeling angry. I couldn't bring myself to look at her because she was annoying me.

It lasted two hours. Two hours out of her five year life. Hardly means i hate my daughter, does it?

It means i was temporarily frustrated with her.

She's FIVE! OP, you seem to be missing this point - she is emotionally immature. More than most 5 year olds even, due to her ASD.

my DD is 5 and I would be angry with the school not her if she was constantly loosing things, have only skim read here but when DD came home without her jumper it was the school I was annoyed with - we label everything and they are all still learning and you can imagine the pandimonion when changing for stuff etc, I expect the teachers to be aware of this and to help them.

My DD is learning about how to take care of things ( which she does generally) and the value of things - if she looses a toy when we are out - she is still learning what that means in terms of money etc...

I would also never ever give her a weeks money, its not just her I dont trust but the others! Sometimes it seems so chaotic at her school. I dont think anyone would steal it but i can imagine it being used in play or scattered everywhere.

Are you sure others arnt taking it off her or bullying?

I would def speak to the school as others have said.

Also I am sure I read somewhere that lying at this age is developmental and is all part of them making up stories.
My DD has only just started to make up stories all the time....and alot of the time she can't remember or wont tell me alot about her day which lots of friends complain of too with thier DC, sometimes she does change her story " i played with X, " then later " I didnt play with x".

I tend to ingore things like that.

I am not sure what my DD understands of her day. I remeber being confused at school when I was that age and looking at a clock face trying to learn the time, I didnt know what I was doing there, what the point of it all was , what was expected of me etc...

I think its so touching that she is in another room drawing you a picture that is so sweet. I also know of alot of mums whose children wouldn't be that thoughtful. Thats a wonderful sign of affection there.

Why don't you take the focus of what you believe your DD is 'doing wrong' and try to focus on all of the things you could do to make life easier for her instead of concentrating all your energy in finding fault with her?

Jesus

My daughter is 5, she doesn't have ASD, BUT I would still never ever give her the kind of responsibiilty you are expecting from your child. Your expectations are totally unrealistic. She is merely an infant.

I take my DD's dinner money into the office and hand it in. as do most of the other parents of yr 1 children. When i pick her up from school i check she has all her shit-if she doesn't we go back in to find it together.

You do seem very worried the school and other people believe her and not you.
Other people know kids lie. she probably lies at school and i am sure they know she is creative with the facts and if you say you did give her trainers they have no reason not to believe you.

Incidentally my kids' school also expect 5 year olds to do their own diner money in an envelope with their name on front i put it in the bag and usually it is still their until Wednesday when they finally remember to hand it in. the school always gives them their dinners though on the basis that you will pay eventually.

When I look back at old holiday photos of my young dd (now 12), I am always struck by how little she was at 3, 4 or 5. And I remember being so cross when she wouldn't sit for an hour in a restaurant without crawling under the table/bothering other diners at that age. My expectations of behaviour were so high, and I only realise it now, with the benefit of hindsight.

5 is so young. Really tiny

and your little girl is crying out for you to be with her, what a sweet lovely gesture to draw you a picture. That should be melting your heart not turning you stone cold and angry.

"It's annoying me that the school think i'm the clumsy/forgetful one" - you're taking it far too personally. You have issues if your need for approval from the school/perceived authority figures overpowers your ability to parent your child in an empathetic way. Your child is not doing these things to piss you off. She is doing them because she's 5. That's what 5 year olds do. Yes, it's annoying, but a little perspective please?

You have anger issues if the feelings you express here are an accurate reflection of what your state of mind.

You need to get some space and perspective. Do you have a DP/parent who can give you a break? Think about what is really important: that you have a good relationship with your daughter, or the school thinks you're a good mum? Shit happens, kids lose stuff. Life goes on. Let it go. Just because she's not sobbing dejectedly on the floor doesn't mean she hasn't learned anything. It sounds like it would make you feel better if she was - but that's satisfying your need for vengeance rather than helping her learn. Learning is a process.

She is 5. She is learning. She will not always be like this. But you might always be this sort of parent if the responses on here don't tell you that you might need to rethink your approach.

I've only read your op but just wanted to say . . . SHE'S 5! Even without the asd you are expecting way too much from a child that age! WAY too much.

I don't know of any parents who would give their children a purse of money and expect them to keep it safe.

You need to adjust your expectations. Your daughter must be so upset that she is disappointing you and making you angry when things are happening that she has very limited control over at that age.

You are setting her up to fail.

Re lies: ds and dd were just the same, not lying, often just saying what they wished was true, what would have been nice, or what they think someone wants to hear.
Of course, no concept of money- it comes out of a hole in the wall and the only mystery is why you don't take more.
Dd with no fear of anything-inc. heights, traffic, people tying rope round neck and jumping- you name it, thought I'd have her on reins forever.

But they are not mini adults-their minds are not like ours. Your dd sounds a pet actually, wanting to cheer you up. (When ds wanted to cheer me up he loaded his school bag with rubbish for me, because he knew I liked throwing things away). I found it happened all over again with teenage rewiring. ("Your bus is leaving.""BUt I am not ready." But your bus is leaving NOW" "BUT I AM NOT READY NOW.")

It is hard work, and you have to do loads of thinking for them, but five years old is very very little.

Every child is unique and that goes for those on the spectrum.

OP I could have written your post a hundred times.

Its utterly frustrating - last year cost me well over £150 in lost items but I soon cottoned on that he was incapable of doing this and as such school needed to support him (they didnt but thats another story) and when he eventually got support the problem got better. I am not sure if he was just disorganised and losing stuff but then it wasnt there when I searched so I suspected that someone was taking advantage of his difficulties.

My son does what your daughter is doing and I am told its common on the spectrum... its not lying but because they can't process the communication / situation they avoid it by manipulated / trying to control what they can. Its common (I am told) in children who are higher intelligence. It leads to all sorts of issues... 'no snack, my mum doesnt give me any'... It was in his bag, I showed it him in his bag and he was taking it out and leaving it at home / in the car but ofcourse he knew that wasn't the right think to do so he deflected... I always gave him the healthy snack school said I should but his 'mates' had chocolate and cake so he didnt want it...

And I have a million incidents like that... only yesterday he told the teacher I hadnt told him about a school disco when I had, twice and put the leaflet where he could see it.... but no I am looked at like some restrictive parent.

I spoke at length to his comm paed about it... she told me its really, really common and its gets worse when they are very anxious as they are trying to make the anxiety feelings better anyway they can.

Its wearing, it makes you feel awful and yes I have lost my rag too... this behaviour has cost this family dear and I have tried various strategies to no avail. We are still tackling it and school still dont see it though writing reams in a communication book helps to cover myself.

Dame - are you trying to subtly imply i may have autism?

So from this thread, i've learned i have anger issues and could possibly be autistic. Wow.

I completely understand my expectations of her are too high. And i'll take that on board. Sometimes i think she's older than what she is because she's so smart. She's also the youngest in her class, so seeing her peers so much more emotionally/socially advanced than her is also intimidating. She looks like a baby compared to them.

IMO - her telling me today that she had her trainers on for P.E when she didn't, is a lie. And the fact she then called her teacher a liar makes me feel like she deserved to be told off. It had no effect. She still said her teacher was lying. And she'll continue lying like this until she knows there will be consequences. And confiscating her DVDs might be the only consequence that will mean something to her. IMO, it's worth a shot.

FWIW - thanks for all the advice and support. Reading back, i sound like a bitch. I've gone on the defensive. But i think a lot of people would do if a bunch of random people (who don't know me or dd) stated my dd feared me, i have serious anger issues, i'd sickened people with my thread, i resented my daughter, i have no understanding of her ASD (despite them suggesting kids with ASD can't lie!) and much more.