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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want her back.

105 replies

Ross86 · 30/01/2013 14:51

Ok..... I've never done this before! I am a guy..... And will receive much criticism and I deserve to do so! It's a long story but ill shorten it. Basically I am a 26 year old police officer who was in an amazing relationship with a midwife we had great jobs and a great relationship, I went off to training college and cheated! I know it was a scummy thing to do but please hear me out. I waited so long to get into the police and she stood by me all the way when I finally got in I changed for the worse I got so excited I lost sight of all my friends and my girlfriend. I now have no friends left and no girlfriend I'm not here for sympathy! Since loosing everyone I have changed and done a lot of growing up. I have not asked her back as I think she is seeing someone else! I've wanted to ask her back everyday but have waited until such a time I felt I was good enough to be with her! She always spoke highly of mums net and that's why I have come here to see if you guys think people can change! I would give up everything including the job I worked 5 years to get in to to have her back. I don't feel I deserve her but I know how happy we were and how well we worked.

OP posts:
Latara · 30/01/2013 14:53

YANBU to want your girlfriend back but YABU to expect her to want to get back with you after cheating... but you probably know that.

Take it as a lesson learned & either have fun for now, or look for a new girlfriend.

CailinDana · 30/01/2013 14:55

Too late I think. It's such a shame for you, but you've learned from the experience and hopefully won't make the same mistake again. You need to let go and move on.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 14:55

Just enough information for your ex to identify herself there. Why don't you just email her or text her instead of trying to get to her over MN?

You have ruined it, even if she got back with you, you will always be the guy who cheated on her and it will never be the same.

SweetSeraphim · 30/01/2013 14:56

Erm..... I think you're just going to have to accept that you've learned a lesson.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:03

I have learned my lesson.... Trust me I've found out the hard way.... I become everything I depise I hated myself for a long time it's been 8 months and had a lot of thinking time about it all.... I have text her along with a lot of friends apologising for the animal I became for most of last year. It was completely out of character. I can move on and have the ability to do so..... But she was so perfect for me and I her until I became this person that I didn't even recognise.

OP posts:
bongobaby · 30/01/2013 15:04

If she wants to work things out with you she will come back to you. (she has been hurt) The ball is in her court and not yours. If she don,t then lick your wounds,wipe your mouth and move on. Slapped hand for you for cheating on her.
Its a bit drastic to give your job up!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2013 15:05

Of course people can change. However once you have treated someone who is supposed to be important to you as nothing, there's no easy way back from that. Find someone else and use what you have learned to make a good life. And, don't cheat again, ever.

tethersend · 30/01/2013 15:05

Hello hello hello... what have we here then?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2013 15:05

I do think people can change - absolutely.
But.... You have to believe you are deserving. You can't say you don't deserve and then expect her to take you back. You need to convince her that you are now worthy.
We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect (despite what loads on here say to the contrary by the way!)
Get your self esteem up and if you want to ask her, then ask her.
You have nothing to lose after all.
If she says NO, well at least you tried and if she says YES then can go ahead and treat they way you should have the first time around.
If it was me, I'd want some proof first so have some evidence to hand of how you've changed.
Good luck in the future by the way.
Oh and.... you are going to get flamed by the way!

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:07

What I meant about the job..... I worked 5 years to become a police officer. If I hadn't I never would have changed last year that was the catalyst. I didn't realise before it was too late! I was warned enough but was too pig headed to see it. It's taken me to loose everything to realise. And I would take back getting into the police something I've wanted my whole life to be with her.

OP posts:
scaevola · 30/01/2013 15:08

You will have to take the risk (ie make yourself vulnerable) and contact her.

Did she discover your infidelity? Or did you confess? What did you do at discovery? If you showed no remorse or insight then, it's going to be hard to demonstrate that you have acquired either.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:11

Thank you hellsbellsmellons. I know I'm going to get grilled I deserve it no one can beat me harder than I've beaten myself. The reason I haven't done anything until now is because the break up hit me for 6 I had no energy to fight for her and knew I was scum the way I treated her. I've spent the last 8 months regrouping re finding myself and convincing myself I'm not a bad person. I now feel ready to try and fight for her, and I agree it might be and most probably is too little too late but I don't want to die wondering.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2013 15:12

Leave her alone and stop harassing her (including through this website)

The best thing you could do if you were really contrite and loved her is to back off and let her enjoy her life without your belated protestations of "but I'm sorry now ...."

MolehillAlchemy · 30/01/2013 15:12

If it's been eight months, then just let her move on. She deserves better than to be in a relationship with someone who's cheated on her. She'll always have it in the back of her mind, and it will taint what trust you have forever.

And also, you should be in a relationship where you love your partner enough NOT to cheat on them. You won't need to feel guilty and always feel the need to prove yourself. There's probably a better future waiting for both of you.

flurp · 30/01/2013 15:12

Well if she is seeing someone else then leave her to be happy with him. If you really love her then you will realise that she deserves better so let her go. What good will contacting her now do?

You sound like you are having a right little pity party.
You fucked up - you lost her.
Get over it and learn from it

AnyFucker · 30/01/2013 15:13

How can you "fight" for someone who doesn't want you and is in a new relationship ?

You sound scary

Crinkle77 · 30/01/2013 15:13

Are you sure that you don't only want her back cos your lonely as you say you have lost all your friends to?

Bluemonkeyspots · 30/01/2013 15:15

Would you really give up a decent job that you worked so hard for to try and win her back? Hmm

That sounds very immature to me, not that I think anyone would expect you to do it but that statement made you sound a bit of a twat

MarilynValentine · 30/01/2013 15:16

Well, write to her, tell her how you feel without pressurising or emotionally blackmailing her.

However if I was her friend I would advise her to run a mile. People can change but it sounds as if you cheated when under stress. You will be under stress again in the future.

Just something to think about. I'm sure you would have sworn, prior to cheating, that you would never cheat, as well?

bongobaby · 30/01/2013 15:17

After all this time you still sound a bit too hard on yourself. yes what you did was wrong cheating on her but now you are totally prepaired to accept what you did and want to put it right. it would be nice if you got back together but my fear for you is that you may be setting yourself up for rejection, And that could crush you all over again? Why not just ask her out for a drink as friends to see how she is no strings see how the land lies.

scaevola · 30/01/2013 15:18

If you are truly unhappy with how things have worked out in the police, and do not like what you have become, then leave the Force anyhow.

The sort of romanticised "I'll leave for you" situation never, but never, works out because of a (misplaced) burden of expected gratitude, combined with setting someone up as a fall guy. Rebuild yourself for yourself, not in some wild gesture to the past.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2013 15:21

He has written to her

he has put this post, on here, knowing that she uses Mumsnet

creepy

Maria33 · 30/01/2013 15:22

If you've really changed, great, move on.

Of course you're sad and sorry now - you haven't got what you want.

YANBU to want her back. She would be a mug to have you back. If you really have grown up, you'd understand that.

Sometimes you cross a line and there are consequences. Take the consequences, learn the lessons, move on.

It sounds to me like you're very sad and sorry but you can't see that she deserves better than going back into a relationship with someone who treated her like shit. So not that empathetic.

If she posted on here after you asked for her back.. 90% of posters would tell her to run a mile - you know it's true laydees Grin

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:23

God no!!! I love my job!! It's the best job in the world! It's the only thing I've ever wanted to do I'm good at it! But I realise that she means more to me than the job! That's what I mean.
I'm not have a pity party I'm passed all that now. At the turn of the year I decided I needed to right all my wrongs from last year! I'm getting my friends back who are forgiving me and I'm being a better friend I loved my life fucked it up!! I had everything! It's not I'm lonely I just miss her!

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 30/01/2013 15:23

I've read your posts and all I can see is 'me me me, wah wah wah'

I wouldn't want to get back together with that guy.