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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want her back.

105 replies

Ross86 · 30/01/2013 14:51

Ok..... I've never done this before! I am a guy..... And will receive much criticism and I deserve to do so! It's a long story but ill shorten it. Basically I am a 26 year old police officer who was in an amazing relationship with a midwife we had great jobs and a great relationship, I went off to training college and cheated! I know it was a scummy thing to do but please hear me out. I waited so long to get into the police and she stood by me all the way when I finally got in I changed for the worse I got so excited I lost sight of all my friends and my girlfriend. I now have no friends left and no girlfriend I'm not here for sympathy! Since loosing everyone I have changed and done a lot of growing up. I have not asked her back as I think she is seeing someone else! I've wanted to ask her back everyday but have waited until such a time I felt I was good enough to be with her! She always spoke highly of mums net and that's why I have come here to see if you guys think people can change! I would give up everything including the job I worked 5 years to get in to to have her back. I don't feel I deserve her but I know how happy we were and how well we worked.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2013 15:24

Is Your Name Earl ?

Wink
anklebitersmum · 30/01/2013 15:25

Move along quietly please, no sympathy to be seen here.

pictish · 30/01/2013 15:26

Cut your losses OP. You fucked up and you need to live with the consequences of it.

She has moved on, and so should you. All this talk of grand gestures seem somewhat overblown to me.

You have put this post here so she will see it I assume?

Does she not want to talk to you in rl then?

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:27

I'm strong enough now to deal with her rejection and also mature enough now to understand that rejection which is why I have waited till now before I tried to anything about it!
I didn't cheat because of stress but of of immaturity. Getting caught up with being "one of the lads" at training school. That immaturity but my priorities in the wrong order. The lads opinion become greater than that of my partner and I realise that now and accept it.

OP posts:
ledkr · 30/01/2013 15:29

Op I think you ha e learned a good lesson here. These days women don't have to put up with cheats. I booted my dh out after 18yrs when he cheated. Gone are the days of being forgiven.
Good for her I say. Sorry

pictish · 30/01/2013 15:31

AS for being willing to give up your job that you love so much, and that you worked so hard for 5 years to get, in order to get her back. What would that achieve?

Sounds good though doesn't it? The sacirifice you're willing to make.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:32

I agree good for her! I was a complete tool! One of the things I loved about her is how strong she was! She wouldn't put up with any shit! I don't want the old life back just want to start again from day one.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2013 15:32

Don't give up your career for ANY relationship. There's nothing to be gained from going from one extreme to the other except an imbalance. You'll find somebody else and not repeat the mistakes you made - hopefully. Good luck.

pictish · 30/01/2013 15:32

smeeling salts? Lol!

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:33

Your missing the point about the job!! It's not a gesture! It's the fact that if I hadn't got in I wouldn't be here! I'd be with her! Maybe I'm not explaing it well

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2013 15:34

You would have still been a tool if you hadn't entered the police force. Worry not.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:35

No I wouldn't! I changed shit on everyone around me. I realise that now I thought it was everyone else's problem when in fact it was mine.

OP posts:
pictish · 30/01/2013 15:36

Um...you didn't cheat because you joined the police mate. You cheated because you wanted to. Don't blame your circumstances, you are an adult and wholly responsible for what you do. The 'lads' aren't the boss of you, and never were...you are.

LeucanTheMopsis · 30/01/2013 15:37

So she's not actually hankering after you? No messages of regret? In fact, she's seeing someone else and that is when you pull out all the stops and post on here too?

As someone who's ex partner follows her around on the internet I can tell you now that it is disturbing, upsetting and creepy. IF she sees this it will probably be the effect it has on her too. Added to cheating, I think you'll have to accept that this woman no longer thinks you're the sort of person she wants to spend time with.

scaevola · 30/01/2013 15:37

You could have joined the police, not fucked around and still been with her.

The flaw was within you, not something external.

tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 15:38

Hard lesson learnt the hard way.

I think it's a bit stalkery and harassy the way you've posted here.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:38

Of course it was all my fault! I'm not saying it was anyone else's fault or joining the polices fault! For some reason and that reason is my doing I changed! I'm just glad that I've managed to wake up now and stop being the way I was

OP posts:
Dogsmom · 30/01/2013 15:39

I feel sorry for the OP, we all make mistakes and it seems like he is facing up to it, a lot of people would bury their heads in the sand or try and blame their partners.

If she has met someone else then I would leave her alone but if you aren't sure then find out if she is single and tell her your feelings, personally I couldn't forgive someone for cheating on me but many do and go on to have great relationships.

bongobaby · 30/01/2013 15:39

cripes think you need your riot shield on the go!!! Have you spoken with her since the break up?

Maria33 · 30/01/2013 15:39

If you're blaming the job, you've really learnt nothing. I reckon you would've got here sooner or later. Just be glad there were no kids involved. Sorry to be cynical but.. "I cheated cos I wanted to be a police officer/ one of the lads/ stress" is just displacement. What you're saying is that you'd like to turn the clock back? Join the club Smile
You're the kind of guy who cheats on a woman he loves when he's under pressure. Learn that about yourself, figure out why, be honest about it to yourself and don't do it again to the next wonderful woman you love.

Mabelface · 30/01/2013 15:41

Leave her alone now. She's in a new relationship and has moved on. You have to too. Focus your energies on working hard and carrying on improving yourself.

pictish · 30/01/2013 15:42

Well...it's good that you have woken up to yourself...hopefully you will be able to take that forward to a new relationship with someone else.
I think you've burned your bridges with your ex though.
8 months later and she isn't bothered about seeking you out - so that's the end of that.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:42

Where are people getting stress from??? I've never said that and if you read I've not said I way to turn the clock back! I want to use what I have done to better myself as a person!

OP posts:
Narked · 30/01/2013 15:43

Stalking your ex online. Classy.

Original poster
Ross86 · 30/01/2013 15:44

Bongobaby we have spoken but it was only to sort out details of belongings ect rather than talk about feelings ect.
I could leave her to get on and if that's what she wants ill gladly let her and never talk to her again.
The fact is she might think I walked away not Caring and remember the asshole she broke up with not the guy she fell in love with

OP posts:
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