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AIBU?

To want her back.

105 replies

Ross86 · 30/01/2013 14:51

Ok..... I've never done this before! I am a guy..... And will receive much criticism and I deserve to do so! It's a long story but ill shorten it. Basically I am a 26 year old police officer who was in an amazing relationship with a midwife we had great jobs and a great relationship, I went off to training college and cheated! I know it was a scummy thing to do but please hear me out. I waited so long to get into the police and she stood by me all the way when I finally got in I changed for the worse I got so excited I lost sight of all my friends and my girlfriend. I now have no friends left and no girlfriend I'm not here for sympathy! Since loosing everyone I have changed and done a lot of growing up. I have not asked her back as I think she is seeing someone else! I've wanted to ask her back everyday but have waited until such a time I felt I was good enough to be with her! She always spoke highly of mums net and that's why I have come here to see if you guys think people can change! I would give up everything including the job I worked 5 years to get in to to have her back. I don't feel I deserve her but I know how happy we were and how well we worked.

OP posts:

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Cherriesarelovely · 31/01/2013 09:36

I know a couple who both cheated on each other several times, split up and then 2 years later got back together and have now been married 10 years and have 2 lovely kids. They are really happy.

I, on the other hand, would never have gone back with my cheating ex. After 9 years apart I do like her as a friend and even have some understanding of why she did it but (aside from the fact that I have an amazing DP) I would never trust her in a relationship again.

If I were you and I wasn't certain she had moved on I probably would ask her but don't do any more than that. It's not fair. As one person wrote, you can't always have what you want but hopefully you have learned a lesson and wil treat your next partner with more care and respect.

minkembra · 31/01/2013 09:15

Ask her. don't offer to leave your job or any other nonsense. unless the Other woman is at your work in which case you have a problem.

if she says yes then treat her right and expect not to be trusted for a while. Work hard on your relationship and make sure you appreciate her.

Ppl can change. sometimes it is actually better to be with someone who has cheated and who knows how awful and destructive it is than to be with someone who hasn't and thinks it might be fun or exciting. but only if you really have learned your lesson.

If she says no then just accept it.

We can all have an opinion but only she can give you an answer.

MusicalEndorphins · 31/01/2013 09:04

OP, you can't always get what you want.
Doesn't matter if you are sorry, doesn't matter if you love her. it isn't about what you want. Sounds like you really haven't changed that much.
Maybe you have learned it is bad to cheat on someone, maybe you haven't. But you broke the trust when you cheated and obviously she has standards and self respect. All you can do is write her a letter or something, but if she has told you you are finished, leave her alone. You are a police officer so you should know the laws about harassing and bothering women.
Posting here, where you know she reads is rather obvious and stalkerish.
There are lot's of other people out there, so move on.

SoleSource · 31/01/2013 08:35

You blew it. I did not take back the guy that cheated on me. I think you want her back so you can be in control because she dumped you. And you are lonely...

I hope she does not give you another chance

Tailtwister · 31/01/2013 07:45

I think you really need to move on, as painful as that is. Holding onto what might have been is only going to hurt you both in the long run. The moment you cheat you damage your relationship forever imo. Even if you did get back together it would always be there in the background.

The best advice I can give you is to accept what happened and get on with your life. As wonderful as she is, this woman isn't the only person in the world and you will meet someone else. Hanging onto this old relationship will stop you from creating a meaningful one with someone else. Put it down to experience and don't cheat again!

lindalooloo · 31/01/2013 07:32

i think people are maybe being a little hard on op. But i will say coming on mumsnet to ask what people think is maybe not your wisest move, this being because this is your exs place to seek advice or get opinions .
There is no harm in speaking to your ex but just be aware that she may shoot you down and if it was me i would be very wary that you may change into a numpty again .

Mimishimi · 31/01/2013 03:32

How is everyone so sure that this isn't the midwife girlfriend doing a reverse AIBU? Otherwise, if it's true, maybe send her a letter with an apology explaining your regrets and your current contact details, then leave it at that.

YorkshireDeb · 31/01/2013 03:13

Wow - that was a real flaming! Are you still there op or have we scared you off? Just incase I'd say forget the getting her back & for now just try to make amends. There may be an opportunity in the future to rebuild a friendship or relationship but maybe not. If she is in a new relationship & that's going well she's probably not going to risk taking a step backwards. Assuming you are genuinely sorry I think it would be nice to tell her so though. Without any agenda if you can. I guess if you were my ex it would be good to know that you regretted what you'd done & you had changed because of it. Then leave the ball in her court & see. And be prepared for the rejection incase she doesn't get back in touch or tells you it's too late. X

badinage · 31/01/2013 02:17

Please say you don't write statements or deliver evidence this way. You'll hyperventilate in the dock if you continue to use that many exclamation marks.

Ebayaholic · 30/01/2013 21:39

Join the force, get a divorce........
(I think that's how the saying goes?)

Whocansay · 30/01/2013 17:30

Poor you, OP. It's all about you, isn't it? How could she possibly not want such a prize, eh?

Shame you're deleting this thread. If she saw it, it would show her what a lucky escape she's had. And possibly provide evidence of harrassment.

Stop stalking her and leave her alone. She doesn't want you.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 30/01/2013 17:15

It doesn't matter how sorry you, she deserves better than you. Suck it up, leave her alone and keep it in your pants next time. And if your ex is reading this thread - well done for kicking his sorry ass into touch, I hope your new man's a keeper.

flirtymary · 30/01/2013 17:08

Not read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been covered, but:

You know she is on MNet

Your write an identifiable OP about her

Q- Were you off sick the day they covered harassement at police school?

CheCazzo · 30/01/2013 17:06

It all reads like some hideous half finished story in Take a Break

shine0ncrazydiamond · 30/01/2013 17:04

They've lowered literary standards in the police force I see.

IrnBruChew · 30/01/2013 17:00

I agree that you should have this deleted...I've had The Jackson 5 song I Want You Back stuck in my head since I read this.

nefertarii · 30/01/2013 16:57

I bet you think she will see this and recognise the situation (which is why you have given details that you would make it obvious it was her) in the hope she will see it and realise how sorry you are.

Unfortunately you don't come across very well.

nefertarii · 30/01/2013 16:54

My dad was in the police for 31 years and my brother is in the police. Both managed to keep it in their pants and not cheat on their partners.

You cheated because you could. And only admitting that is actually taking responsibility for it. Blaming the job for part of it is ridiculous.

Also you say 'i hated myself for so long'. Really? It happened 8 months ago how long did you hate yourself for?

Its seems like you feel you should be forgiven and she should come back because its not your fault and you have felt crap for a while.

Yanbu to want her back you would be unreasonable to start elling her the stuff you have posted here.

LeucanTheMopsis · 30/01/2013 16:50

I'm not terribly anything at the moment; I'm having the afternoon off. But you're still being silly.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 30/01/2013 16:45

YABU and creepy.

Narked · 30/01/2013 16:44

There's actually been an (even stalkier) thread recently where someone wanted to get back in touch with an old lover and was told unequivocally that it was a Bad Idea and they should leave him alone and move on.

Sorry that doesn't fit your prejudice.

Moistenedbint · 30/01/2013 16:40

Not terribly au fait with mumsnet are you Leucan?

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CheCazzo · 30/01/2013 16:34

What Losingexcessweight said.

LeucanTheMopsis · 30/01/2013 16:33

Don't be ridiculous, Bint. A quick look at any of the 'Other Man' threads on here will contradict that assertion. Cheating and lying is unacceptable, whichever partner does it.

Moistenedbint · 30/01/2013 16:22

OP, had you been an unfaithful woman, expressing remorse for your actions, the responses here in this thread would be diametrically different. You'd probably be given advice about how best to re-ingratiate yourself... ways in which you could rekindle interest etc etc. You haz the wrong genital configuration. rollseyes

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