Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
redpenmarks · 30/01/2013 20:01

Tomorrow on my FB I shall put

RIP to all those who lost their lives in the sinking of the Princess Victoria 60 years ago today, especially xxx

And your issue is?

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 20:03

oh FGS hulababy I shouldn't have to!!

people should have the common sense to get that anyone who WANTS to join in with the facebook grief will have the groups and posts visable so no need to tag

they are tagging so that people who DON'T have the posts visable can see em.. err.. T.H.I.N.K. A.B.O.U.T. I.T......

JustAHolyFool · 30/01/2013 20:04

Still happens, doesn't it MrsDV ? Weren't the Evening Standard doing a campaign to stop common burials?

Of course, it's fine to shit on the working classes, always has been.

Hulababy · 30/01/2013 20:08

oldebaglady - no, you should't have to if you have asked people not to tag you. However, your friends have not taken this on board. Therefore you have two choices - allow it to continue and just not read them or make changes to your own settings so that they are unable to tag you. If your friends will not listen then surely you have to take your own action if it bothers you.

GirlOutNumbered · 30/01/2013 20:12

Oldbaglady, just untag yourself. It takes seconds.

Sidge · 30/01/2013 20:15

Last week was the 4th anniversary of my Dad's death.

I posted on FB that it was 4 years since he died and I was remembering him.

Did I do it for the hugz and hunz? Yeah, to a degree I did. My marriage broke down last year, my family live between 250 and 12,000 miles away. I live alone with my young children and had no-one to hug me, share my grief or to dry my tears.

Posting on FB was a way of sharing my grief with my friends and family who couldn't be there in person but who could give me 'virtual' support. I cherished every 'hugs' and 'xxx' post I got and won't apologise for that.

Enigmosaurus · 30/01/2013 20:19

In April it will be my eldest daughter's 8th birthday. She was born and died on the same day. We will take cards and balloons to the cemetery. We'll sing happy birthday. I'll post on FB too. Not for shits and giggles, not for hugz or hunz, not for attention. I just like to acknowledge a life that was real but far, far too short. If it offends well tough shit. I have to live a lifetime of missing her with the entire world acting like she was nothing, for one day I will shout about her from the bloody rooftops.

Greensleeves · 30/01/2013 20:22

Yes they are tagging you because they want you to share it, that's what social networking sites are about isn't it, sharing what is going on in our lives?

If spending a few seconds being aware of someone else's feelings is too big an ask for you, you've got bigger problems than not being able to work out how to use your privacy settings Hmm

shabbatheGreek · 30/01/2013 20:23

Its 31 years ago since one of my twin babies died (aged 7 months) and its 21 years ago since my DS3 (aged 7 years) was knocked down and killed by a lorry. I have friend requested them on FBook - every now and then I go on and think how crazy that may seem to others.....but, I dont care. Every birthday I write a full status to both of them - I tell them how much I love and miss them and how I would like to see them just one more time - even if just for a few minutes.

My twin baby didn't live long enough to have 'friends.' My DS3 had been to nursery and was in primary school. I love seeing his friends (now grown men with families of their own) writing on my status. 'Miss you, wish you were still here.....or 'Do you remember the time you kissed Becky at school and got in trouble from the teacher.' or 'Still forever in my thoughts, love Becky' - YABU OP - totally unreasonable.

I also put this song on every year (in fact several times per year) to celebrate my DS3's love of music and especially of this song....OP - hope you enjoy!!!

thebody · 30/01/2013 20:23

Just because someone had died it doesn't mean they have never lived op, never loved or been loved.

Commemorate and celebrate their lives.

It just is a mark of respect and love and reminder of them.

Why not.

purpleflower123 · 30/01/2013 20:24

I saw this and thought it might be about me :( I posted a picture of my mum today. It's 13 years since I lost her when I was 13 1/2.

I miss her everyday, just one day of the year I say it out loud to all of my friends and family.

NorthernLurker · 30/01/2013 20:28

I asked my dds about this thread in the car just now. Dd1 is nearly 15 and her view was that it didn't bother her what people put on facebook and 'facebook is for sharing your thoughts, if that's your thoughts (about a person who has died) then you should post it'. I think she is absolutely right.

Op - never mind bleating about the response you've got. I think the phrase you're groping for is 'I'm repeat that I'm sorry about this thread. I have been thoughtless and offensive. I've learned something from this thread.'

5madthings · 30/01/2013 20:29

Surely anything that makes the grieving feel a tiny bit better is completely understandable and NotToBeJudged?

Let them be, please.

This from chaos on p1 and what northernlurkersaid on p4.

What a bloody vile, insensitive op.

usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 20:30

Say it out loud, purple.

Say it as many times as you want x.

NorthernLurker · 30/01/2013 20:35

Purple rosemary for remembrance for your mum.

frustratedworkingmum · 30/01/2013 20:36

What a narrow minded OP

There are many many attention seeking posts on FB and you don't have to comment on them - i am far more annoyed by "oh my life is perfect today I had a perfect day with my perfect family doing perfect things because i am a perfect mother with a perfect home and perfect hair, my dog is perfect to, in fact i have the best life in the world" type shit.

An expression of grief that you share with friends that may not have remembered the date of someone's passing or birthday elicits support and shared memories. I posted something about my dad once and one of the guys who he worked with who i only really knew vaguely posted a lovely memory about the laughs they used to have at work. It probably didn't mean that much to the guy who responded but it helped me so much to know that people remembered my dad and tht he was so well thought of.

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 30/01/2013 20:47

PEACE AND LOVE

FreePeaceSweet · 30/01/2013 20:48

'people enjoy getting attention from RIPing on the internet '

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I lost my wonderful dad when I was 9. I am now 34 and I'm not ashamed to say that not a day goes by when I don't think of him. I don't often post sentimental stuff on FB but I like to think that if and when I do those who want to be supportive are and those who don't can shut the fuck up. I get no pleasure from reminiscing about my dad but remembering him helps me. I'm certainly not looking for attention. :(

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/01/2013 20:54

Oldebaglady I am Sad that your family and friends don't respect your right to grieve as you see fit. They are as insensitive to you as the OP is to those who do need to share their experiences.

And similarly I think they should be taken to task foe the upset they cause, just as has happened with the OP.

People should be free to grieve as they see fit without others making them feel worse at a very difficult time.

Growlithe · 30/01/2013 21:02

I'm strangely comforted when my DBro mentions my Mum and Dad on FB. He doesn't speak of them much in RL you see, or visit their grave on anniversaries and birthdays.

I used to think he didn't care before he joined FB. Now I know better. I think he probably finds it easier when he's not face to face with us.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 21:03

"If spending a few seconds being aware of someone else's feelings is too big an ask for you, you've got bigger problems than not being able to work out how to use your privacy settings"

why doesnt it work the otherway? why can't they spend a few seconds considering who they are about to tag? It takes more than a few seconds to forget about it once you've been tagged by someone who should know better AGAIN

forgetmenots · 30/01/2013 21:08

It does work the other way oldebaglady. I'm sorry your friends are disrespectful of your wishes. YABU that this means all such posts on FB are wrong!

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 30/01/2013 21:11

Eliza - because the OP has said herself that she isn't interested in having her pov changed, she just threw the grenade and ran... leaving a lot of bereaved people upset. You can't be 'rude and agressive' to thin air...

Swipe left for the next trending thread