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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

235 replies

Wampingwillow · 30/01/2013 13:12

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 30/01/2013 21:16

I can't believe someone reported MrsDVs post.

I'm not bothered that mines been deleted but pretty low to report MrsDVs.

LunaticFringe · 30/01/2013 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreePeaceSweet · 30/01/2013 21:21

Also some of my dad's family with held details about his death and funeral from me and my siblings. I have no idea where he is buried or whether he was cremated. All I can do is light a candle when I'm feeling low. I'm 34 and have little fantasies that he might still be alive somewhere as in my mind I have no proof that he died.

feministefatale · 30/01/2013 21:25

I don't get it, but surely funerals are the same or memorials or those memorials in the paper? Its for the bereaved not the person who died.

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feministefatale · 30/01/2013 21:26

I don't get it, but surely funerals are the same or memorials or those memorials in the paper? Its for the bereaved not the person who died.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 30/01/2013 21:28

FreePeaceSweet - you could find out now where he's burried if you wanted to (in the UK at least).

I'm not surprised you have those thoughts, what they did to you was cruel and I suspect as you still don't know, it wasn't done in a misguided way with your best interest at heart :(

shabbatheGreek · 30/01/2013 21:29

It wasn't a personal attack Mrs D. I dont get MN sometimes - really dont xxxxxx

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/01/2013 21:32

MrsD I'm shocked and disgusted your post got deleted Sad

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 30/01/2013 21:33

MrsDV :( Pretty crap isn't it. I don't know what you said, I think it might have ended in 'off' though? Apparently we aren't even allowed to tell utter imbiciles to Fuck Off now :(

I think what you do on Billie's birthday is lovely :) I think of her on her birthday every year, her birthday is sandwiched between two in our family x

5madthings · 30/01/2013 21:37

gray lady I have fob set up so I am notified if I am tagged and I can then choose to ha be it stand iyswim? Have a look at your settings.

mrsdevere I didn't see the post about Billies bday bit would have loved to have read about your special day for her xxxx

FreePeaceSweet · 30/01/2013 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 21:43

"YABU that this means all such posts on FB are wrong!"

again with the not reading posts before directing replies about them!! my very first post said that the posts don't bother me so long as I'm not tagged in them but that apparently made me a low life because "there's no wrong way to grieve".. so long as it's the same way as the majority of the posters and not they way I perfer to do it (i.e. by myself)!!

Sparklyblue · 30/01/2013 21:43

My brother died at the age of 27 two weeks ago, I find it very comforting reading his FB page, seeing how much he was loved by all his friends and our family on his wall.
I have wrote on his wall too and will probably do so on his birthday.
If it helps people, then what is the harm?

OliviaMumsnet · 30/01/2013 21:44

MEA CULPA Mrs DV.
We have reinstated your post.
May I reiterate my earlier request of peace and love

MrsDeVere · 30/01/2013 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Follyfoot · 30/01/2013 21:57

Today is my lovely late Dad's birthday. I may or I may not commemorate his birthday on Facebook. Or maybe I'll do it on here....

But you know what (and I'm not normally a swearer on here) I find your "Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status' comment" fucking insulting. Its about me remembering someone so special in my life and wanting to mark what used to be a special day for my family.

Happy Birthday Dad Wine

feministefatale · 30/01/2013 21:59

Old bag seems to just be responding to rude posts. Greensleves especially, why shouldn't her right to grieve her way be respected

mrsjay · 30/01/2013 21:59

I have friend s who have lost parents etc and they are bloody sad facebook is all about attention perhaps they just need to air how they are feeling, If people were not attention seeking to a degree there would be no facebook, and tbh I wouldn't do it but it is their facebook and they can wish whoever they want a happy birthday ,

neveronamonday · 30/01/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zeronilnowt · 30/01/2013 22:07

What a mean and ill thought out OP.

Would you have had a go at your Grandmother for posting a memorial notice in the paper about her husband?

Incase you are interested, I post about my mum because I feel it is the only way I can. She killed herself 20years ago next month, I was a teenager. She never saw me become an adult, a mother, a wife, so yes I do get something out ofwriting about her on birthdays Mothers Days and anniversaries (you would hate me even more, she has 3, yes 3 anniversaries of the day she died -is that ok with you? Shrove Tuesday - which changes every year, the day she died and the day we found her)

Most years I put a simple "thinking of you mum" status but last year I put a longer one. I think it was funny yet heartfelt, about if she was here she would be interfering and pissing me off and taking over, it made me smile to remember her like that, it made my family and her friends smile to remember her like that - as a real person and not someone who became a saint just because she died. I also posted how we would eat her infamous fucking awful pasta dish in memory of her - is that ok with you?

I don;t put a notice in the paper (DH still does for his mum even though she died when he was 10 - it his way and I accept that) for one it is soo bloody expensive and I know mum would kick my arse for wasting money doing it also I don;t know anyone who reads the local paper anymore, nor do I have a grave where I can lay flowers. So FB is what I have and is what I will continue to use. And screw anyone who thinks it is attention seeking.

Sorry about the rant (blush)

Altinkum · 30/01/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbunnylove · 30/01/2013 22:13

you still want to talk to them, even if they aren't available in the way they used to be.
i think that's probably behind it.

forgetmenots · 30/01/2013 22:15

I did read it oldebaglady, I may not have been clear. I meant all such posts even if you are tagged in them. Once you asked not to be, that should have been respected. When it wasn't you should unfriend, or hide them.

oldebaglady · 30/01/2013 22:20

well sorry I disagree! I think before tagging anyone in a post about someone who has died the poster should give a second thought to who they're tagging and why they are tagging them

once again, anyone who wants to be involved, won't NEED to be tagged as they'll have the page on their feed! So if you think about it, tagging it will only bring it to the attention of people who have set their FB so they are not involved, as anyone who hasn't hidden the page will see it anyway even if not tagged!

So I think a second thought is appropriate, even if you haven't been asked not to by any of the potential tagees yet!

By all means post it, but tagging I think should involve some consideration when it comes to sensitive issues!