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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what SAHM,s with kids at school do with their days?

453 replies

totallyfrazzled · 29/01/2013 22:53

I am mainly a SAHM but both my children are now school age. I do work PT, but as I work freelance my work days are erratics so I often find myself being a SAHM for a full week. Despite the fact that I do work, albeit slightly randomly, I find that I cannot give myself credit for the multiple tasks that I perform in anyone day at home....getting the DC's dressed and ready for school, driving them to school, clearing up the breakfast chaos, making the beds, doing the shopping, blah blah blah, preparing the evening meal, collecting the DC's, getting thru the homework, etc etc etc. i seem to be able to fill a whole day with domestic drudgery and still I am treading water, i.e. I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything. I feel duty bound to keep on with domestic duties whilst not actually in renumerative employ. I feel guilty doing otherwise.Wondering if any one anyone else is in the same boat?

OP posts:
Narked · 02/02/2013 01:33

How sad. Children growing up to think that that's what women are for.

ClippedPhoenix · 02/02/2013 01:34

well if you have a suspect grandparent then you wouldn't leave a child with them would you?

i work in the childcare industry and i see these poor babys that are left from morning till night with a carer and its wrong, very very wrong.

ClippedPhoenix · 02/02/2013 01:36

when you have a child you mitigate your hours it isn't about you anymore, you work round your child.

why damn well have one in the first place.

I am all for stay at home mums and I think the child benefits from it no end so don't anyone dare say that they have a cushy life, they don't.

FreudiansSlipper · 02/02/2013 01:38

Then you must also know from your work experience that children thrive on interaction with other children and adults not just immediate family

ClippedPhoenix · 02/02/2013 01:44

Of course they thrive from interaction with other children, that's not in question freudian at all. It's the ones that still think they can walk out of the door at 8.00am and get home at 7.00pm every day of the week from the child being born that worry me and say it's because i still have a life? Really? Don't have kids then.

Once you have a child they are more important than your career or anything else on this earth. For me, that's how it should be.

A good caring substitute is a wonderful thing for a limited time.

ClippedPhoenix · 02/02/2013 01:45

How do children grow up thinking thats what women are for? what a mad statement.

blindworm · 02/02/2013 01:53

Interested in whether you also disagree with school ClippedPhoenix, since wouldn't that be farming out your children when you could be educating them yourself? Is a teacher more acceptable than a trained nanny?

FreudiansSlipper · 02/02/2013 01:54

so someone who chooses not to give up their career their child is less important to them

of course not they just make different choices to you they do not love or care for their children any less than you may do

ClippedPhoenix · 02/02/2013 02:03

A child at school age is ready to do that so your argument is a bit silly really blindworm.

Freudian, your question is harder to answer of course.

A child from the age of 2 is more or less ready for dis-attachment and can be left with a carer full time, before that it should be the parent/s as sole carers with maybe a part time care thing going on. This is what i believe. I can't actually say where i work but i see soooo many babys and children that i know all of them are going to be fucked up by not having this.

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 08:27

I pay a lot of money to farm out dc to whey faced staff in mrs hannigans daycare
does my heart break as go work ft.hell no.i love work love my kids,I'm good enough
if you're nursery nurse who finds it all so objectionable change jobs to one you like

forevergreek · 02/02/2013 08:45

I think many here mis understand the point of a nanny. A nanny is the other attachment figure in a young child's life. Many work full time with a family and across the child's lifetime. Effectively giving that child three close attachment figures ( if two parents around)

The problem lies when a family have many different nannies, changing every year or so, or moving childcare every year as they grow

If a child is born and a nanny starts as often they do, at birth. Then stays until no longer needed, that child will know no difference and be just as close to them.

As a nanny I have only worked with minimum families. The longest I have been is birth-14 years as a full time nanny until charge went to boarding school, and even then charge would stay with me in holidays/ and now we are all still close, with the whole family meeting up for meals out/ invites to events. That's how a nanny works

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 08:50

parental attachment isn't absent if parent works.not at all
attachment is the reciprocal,consistent,stability of other significant adults
attachment disorder isn't formally diagnosed til @8yo and is rare psychiatric condition

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 08:57

lol,I see tuts about precious moments crew, but ok to talk of farm out kids
precious moments was phrase the postnatal mums used.as they berated working mums
they'd never miss a widdle precious moment,and boy did they like to tell it like that

FanFuckingTastic · 02/02/2013 11:02

I'm tutting at the hardcore at either end TBH. Black or white? Really? No shades between?

My children go to after school club every day for two hours, then get returned home. I am still non working mother, so according to some I am now the worst of both, rather than that shade of grey in between where this set up suits my family best.

Before I got ill, I sent DD to nursery full time at 12 months so I could study towards getting into university. It was honestly hard work, waking at 6am and often studying until 11pm at night. With a baby and a three year old. I did enjoy myself a lot, but I got so sick and ended up the way I am after pushing too hard and ignoring a kidney infection for exam time.

Pagwatch · 02/02/2013 11:12

I agree FanFuckingTastic.
But these threads are always like this.

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 11:30

yes because naturally we all think we are getting it right and will vociferously say so.thats the point innit

dont know why people get so het up.i dont for a moment care or act upon anyone opinion of daycare orphanage or avaricious working mums abandon kids

and i dont expect any housewife thinks aye sm has a point, better go be a good role model

Pagwatch · 02/02/2013 11:40

Grin I am not the slightest bit het up, if anyone's worried.

I don't think what I chose is best for anyone except me. And I don't really care what others do as long as it works or them. Nor do I care what others think of what I do.

These threads are quite interesting in terms of how different many people experiences and circumstances are, and how that can change. I am interested as my dc get older and the work/parenting choices they have to make starts to be a dot on the horizon.
But I confess I don't understand the need to just turn up on all of these threads and shout one relentless unchanging pov.

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 11:42

so youre here to tell me not to be here...how does that work?
significant pov are consistently held, people dont prevaricate about the big stuff
and as with all threads on mn,we all rock up to express in varying degree our own pov

Pagwatch · 02/02/2013 11:49

Who is telling you not to be here Scottishmummy?

I'm not. I find you very entertaining. I don't understand loads of shit on here. Doesn't mean I want anyone not to post. Quite the contrary.

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 12:04

sorry i appeae to have misunderstood
we all got to rub along, and i dont think it would work if itwas all yea love ya,fanks hun

Pagwatch · 02/02/2013 12:07

God no. That would be hideous. Who would want to post where everyone endlessly agreed with each other

BlackholesAndRevelations · 02/02/2013 13:07

Is it just me who finds scottishmummy's posts incredibly hard to read, due to lack of grammar and general incoherence? I'm sorry that I deviate but seriously. And yes, there is also bitterness there in my humble opinion.

I have read this thread (in bits here and there, over a couple of days!) I am a full time teacher and it's actually killing me as I have two dc, 3 and 1. It breaks my heart having to put them in childcare. HOWEVER I got PND on maternity leave so I know being s SAHM isn't for me. I will be trying my very best to find part time work with less work to do at home, as I'm struggling.

I disagree that spending time with my children should come before my sanity; after all, what would happen to them if I ended up severely depressed? They need me to be happy and well balanced and that means, they need me to work (hopefully pt ASAP).

Also, I've always thought that they will probably need me more when they're of school age; to drop off/pick up/ go to assemblies etc. I am also really hoping that I get to go in and help in my dcs' classes as I know how invaluable parent helpers are.

scottishmummy · 02/02/2013 13:10

This reply has been deleted

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FanFuckingTastic · 02/02/2013 13:18

I understand her posts fine, they read well in Scottish.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2013 13:20

I think it's up to the individual to make a choice according to their circumstances and what they want to do. If I could have afforded it I would have stayed at home for longer. At least till my youngest went to school. But I couldn't. But I don't like this I'm an SAHM I put my children first. We all put our children first and do the best we can for them.

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