To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

[dollyindub]

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

Who says that the father doesn't already know how to parent his own child? Has he never spent any time with him? And how does someone (mother or father) learn to parent their own child anyway - not by having supervised access for an hour at a time, not by being in an unfamiliar place (when it is mutually convenient). I learned to be a mother by having my child with me - through the good times and the bad, and the times that I learned the most about my child was in the difficult times - the times they were screaming and upset and seemingly unsettleable.

x post with dreaming - and you put it so much better than I did.

The idea that the OP would be relaxing and having a bath whilst her baby is away at 4 mo is pretty laughable

FFS Trucks! Perhaps not the first time, no but I'm sure she will learn to relax. You've said that she is probably exhausted from caring for a newborn on her own but when I suggest that Dad having the baby for a few hours would give her a rest, that isn't right either. Give me a break!

I think some posters are trying to validate their own decisions by forcing them onto the OP. Vinegar Tits, you allowed your tiny baby to stay overnight with his father, good for you. But I would suggest you are possibly in the minority of mothers who would be willing to do that, and the fact that the courts don't force it would suggest it isn't usual. That doesn't make you a better parent who is more willing to put your baby first. The OP no doubt also believes she is putting her baby first by keeping him close and being nearby until she feels she can trust her ex properly. Please don't assume that your way of doing things is superior, to many people it would be unthinkable.

Maybe i am in the minority

op isnt putting her baby firest, shes putting her feelings of resentment towards her ex, the OW and thier 'lovenest' first, shes not even mentioned the needs of the baby

You think parenting is feeding, changing, giving baby a cuddle when it's crying? And thinking long term and not bothering to build trust with the babys other parent is nothing important?

and why do i need to validate my decisions (assume thats directed at me) my son is 6 now, so its not like i made that decision yesterday, i dont regret letting my son form a relationship with his dad, quite the opposite lol

The OP mentions her baby's needs on the very first page. What I meant by validating decisions is that it seems the posters who are being most vocal about allowing overnights are those who did it themselves, and are taking it personally that the OP doesn't think this is appropriate. They need to persuade her that leaving her baby overnight is the only correst thing to do and anything short of that is worthy of accusations and insults, in order to justify the decisions that they themselves made. But you know what? Just because it was right for you it doesn't mean it is right for the OP in her situation. It wasn't right for me in mine either.

Susan2kids: do not use the word retarded. I take exception to that and you should know better.

OP, I was in a similar situation. It is difficult and I felt like you did. The only healer here is time. Tell matey-boy that he can see him overnight once a month, until he is older. He should be able to have baby overnight and it will also give you a break....It will get easier, horrible, horrible situation. My thoughts are with you

x

Susan2kids, given that the courts wouldn't order overnight access at this age I fail to see how it will go against the OP in future legal proceedings.

You think parenting is feeding, changing, giving baby a cuddle when it's crying?

Looking after a baby for those few hours when the baby would be at his house rather than hers, feeding, changing and giving a cuddle is pretty much all the baby will need.

The pair of them need to compromise and need to learn to be able to work together. That doesn't mean that the Dad should just have to back down and accept whatever scrap the OP deems to throw his way.

It means her perhaps accepting that allowing the Dad and baby to build a relationship at his house, away from her supervision, is good for the baby (and will also be good for her after the initial upset, as she will get a break). And it means him accepting that he needs to start with a few hours at his house before building up to overnight stays, because Mum isn't ready for it yet.

Compromise. Not Mum dictating what will happen with THEIR baby. Lets not forget that whatever he has done in the past regarding their relationship, he is still the Father of her child and without him, she would not have her precious little baby.

Your absollty right millie about people " projecting" .

We dont how op is - she certainly isnt selfish - she is simply feeling one of the most powerful things a human can feel! A strong link to her child! Which is what she is supposed to be feeling!

Imagine the flaming he would get posting on here!! I abanded her - etc didnt want to know - was cheating on her whilst pregnant - didnt want to go to the birth but now I want to see my baby - my way in my house with my new lady!!!!

IF my DH left me right now for another woman I wouldnt be happy about him immedialty taking our baby to his new house and having her hold her!!! Thank you very much!

He could certianly see her and use his time to be with her alone go out with her...but certainly to begin with I wouldnt be happy about immedaite demands for acess like that. With our other DD - I would have alot less problems with - because everyting is established etc.

If however he had done this with our first baby - wow - I would feel the same as op!

Also whilst my Dh is AMAZING with babies and children - and i do mean AMAZING....its like a natural gift to him so there are no trust issues - he does fall asleep very easily, and I have warned him about falling asleep with DD in his arms - and quite a few times when I have been sat here he has done it infront of me. So any time I left him alone overnight with baby YES I would worry about things like that. He is a very capable man but not caplable of making sure he doesnt fall asleep with a baby in his arms! That doesnt make him any less equal!

Parenting doesn't happen in isolation.
Parenting means he needs to look at his relationship with the mother as well as with the baby because the baby doesn't benefit in any way from having a mother who is distressed and hurt unnecessarily and repeatedly.

He lied. He cheated. He broke up with the mother when she became pregnant. He was cruel and cold with the mother during pregnancy. He didn't help her move out. He had to be begged to attend the birth. He is demanding unreasonable overnights. He continues to hurt and disrespect her.

With each and every one of these choices he hurt the mother of his child and hurt his relationship with this child: the consequences of his choices are his to deal with but anyone who thinks all these actions and consequences and impacts do not matter and he can cuddle and coo away when it suits him regardless of how little he has done to earn the child's mothers trust is delusional.

What about her rights not to be treated like shit, not to be unreasonably distressed? His rights do not trump hers.

The baby does not need and should not be expected to be taken overnight to a strange woman's house with the father. Not at 4 months old. The father has been selfish and shit and he chose to be that way: the consequences are all his own fault.

hmm seems your the only one trying to validate your decision millie

and how do you know the court wouldnt allow overnight access? every case is different, she in not BF so 'my ex is a prick who lives in a lovenest' is a pretty poor case to not allow it

millie30..... indeed they wont order an overnight.......but they wont automatically assume the mother gets custody either...They look at who has denied access sadly. If this is the current arrangement and the mother changes it she needs a reason. If she doesnt give reasonable grounds then shes the one seeking to limit contact. Im not saying thats right or fair but it happens. Custody cases are messy.

I don't need to validate my decision Vinegar Tits, my ex has never been allowed overnight access by the courts even though DS is now nearly 5 so you can rest assured there are good reasons for that. In the UK the courts don't order overnights for babies of this age. Yes, every case is different but some principles are universal and in the family courts here not forcing a young baby and its mother to be apart for extended periods of time seems to be one of them.

Millie- courts probably wouldn't order overnight at this stage but they would certainly expect to move towards it. They would prefer the parents to arrange this between them, but if the parents won't they will step in.

And I can imagine that this is a situation where the courts would step in because the Mother's arguments for not allowing unsupervised contact are all to do with her own feelings rather than any legitimate concerns she has regarding her ex's ability to care for their child.

They may not grant overnight access but would grant Father and son some time together without Mum breathing down their necks.

Exactly Word - " move towards it" everything here needs to be gently moved towards....not out right un reasonable demands on a new mother.

From what quite a few others have posted about access seems to be very fair - gradual - slowly building up - which would seem perfeclty normal and sane.

I just wonder how some posters here would FEEL, if this poor lady had a break down because he took the baby and she wasnt ready - and it was all done in a nasty horrible way.

what is she ended up in hospital or something and wasnt able to care for the baby at all for a time? How would anyone feel then?

She isnt vindictive she is learning her way with her new life which MOST people accept is hard enough even within a happy supportive family unit.

court granted access that is.

OP says 'He treated me like shit throughout my pregnancy, made no effort to help me look for a new place to live (I moved house when I was 8 months pregnant) and lied to me for a long time. I didn't do anything wrong and really tried to make it work. So yes, I do harbour resentment and I do consider that if they'd lived apart for a while as would be healthy given her history and him being a new father it would have been better. He could have seen his son on his own patch'

He does not pay regular maintenance, instead, 'random amounts, genius but not regular'

He can't settle the baby see 28 Jan 19.26 post

'His dad can't settle him when he's upset for example. I stay out of the way and listen to it. I don't interfere unless ex asks me to.'

Instead of waiting a while he has moved in with a woman and her child when his son is weeks old.

He had to be begged to attend the birth

In what way is he looking like a good bet to look after a baby? Anyone feel like lending him their baby to have a go with?

Millie im sure you have very good reasons for not allowing your ds to build a relationship with his father, but im am sure they are exceptional and quite different to the OP's reasons

unless she comes back with more drip feeding reasons such as violence, she has no reason to not let him have access to the child in his own home, be it an hour or night, she is completely blinded by her resentment

'Genius but not regular' should read 'generous but not regular'

Can't settle baby, doesn't pay regular maintenance, cold behaviour during pregnancy, dumped OP on learning of pregnancy, just moved in with new woman in new house, presence of unknown woman and her five year old who are not known to OP and who have just left the five year old's father, yeah right, a new mum would feel comfortable leaving her baby in that situation.

Have you people saying let the baby go off no empathy or ability to remember the early months?