To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

[dollyindub]

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

the dad has to understand he has put the mother of his child through an ordeal and as such she will be " delicate"!

its not about punishing its about not driving someone insane!

Millie30 its very reassuring to hear that the courts do recognise " feelings"!!!!

"I am sure she will be ready for a break"

so once again the decision will be made based completely on selfish motivations.

Yes elizaregina the Judge did in my case as there had been abuse and he wasn't about to force me into an arrangement that I wasn't happy about. There were legitimate welfare concerns in my case though and I don't know if this is the norm.

mayorquimby I think that comment about was in response to posters suggesting that the OP should be grateful to hand her tiny baby over as she would surely want a break.

Random 'about' in there!

Of course the OP is upset, angry, feels horrible, she's got every fucking right to be.

Because she is fundamentally a nice person and a new mother trying to do right for her child she has DESPITE HER FEELINGS OF ( entirely reasonable) bitterness, come on here for advice about whether she should over ride her instincts and hand her baby over when he is very tiny for the whole night

OP, your instincts are on. It's too soon for the baby and you. He doesn't need it and it will hurt you and make things harder for you just when you need support and kindness most as you settle into being his mum and a parent without a partner. The father does not NEED to have the baby at night, in time he can and no doubt will spend days and nights with his child but FFS, not now.

Part of being a good parent is forgoing your rights for your responsibilities. His responsibility as dad is to both of you to support and care for you and as a kind father he should be able to see that his little baby has only been in the world a few months and at the moment his mother's smell and voice and comfort is his whole little world. No doubt the baby will enjoy his dad cuddling and walking and bouncing him and helping with feeds and baths and nappy changes; as he grows he will enjoy stories and swimming and kicking a ball and yes, night times with daddy nearby but not yet.

Your son's father has not had his whole life turned upside down in the same way you have, nor is he a very young baby who needs his mummy at night and his mummy in the daytime to be unpressurized by unreasonable demands. There is a whole babyhood and toddlerhood and childhood and lifetime to come: right now, OP, be kind to yourself and you will find kindness for your son's father. Your son's father needs to be kind to you and in doing so, be kind to his baby and do the right thing for his very little boy.

Good luck with it all.

I think 4 months is too young for a baby to be away from their mother.

To the posters who think the op is being vindictive by refusing overnights i would like to point out the situation the op is in.

She is sleep deprive getting up day and night with a crying baby.

Learning what the crying is for being unable to stop the crying.

Cleaning poo wee and sick and if the child still has mucus from the birth snot as well ss the other body fluids.

Leaking breast, stictches in her fanjo and her muscles are still extra strechy and she may still pee herself when snezzing.

The emotional state from having a baby and the huge responability of looking qfter and being solely in charge of another human being is overwelming and truly life changing.

Then to be asked to give this tiny little baby over to someone else that didnt even want it and they baby cant tell you its ok or been looked after right and you feel like noone could look after your baby as well as you. Handing the baby over to someone you dont like.

Its not great

Haven't read all of the msgs, there are hundreds but hell no he shouldn't have him over night! Your baby needs to be with you. The father needs to get a grip, a child so small needs their mummy. I have a 5 month old and she's never been anywhere without me, where I go, she goes. End of. He sounds like a b***d IMO, hope you're ok!

If op was truly vindicktive she would give the father 100% residancy of the child and see if he liked careing for a baby 24/7 and studying and building a new relationship.

Careing for a newborn is the hardest job ever and i dont think the father understand it at all. If he did he would support the mother not upset her even more.

If i was OP i would not of let him be at the birth and contact would be set routine that benefited both the child and myself.

the over night thing is clouding the issue - she wont let him take the baby to his home - even for an hour

I thank goodness my ex was there to support our kids though the aftermath of the decision made by adults that was nothing to do with them

The OP will likely enough let go a bit as the child grows and becomes an older, but he is still so small, she is still so raw, that pushing and pushing at her now is just U. And cruel, frankly.

The father should let her be, and instead of demanding rights, ask her what she and the baby need. Then do it. The OP asking for advice shows she is a reasonable woman, who just needs more time and kindness.

"The OP asking for advice shows she is a reasonable woman, who just needs more time and kindness. "

Absoluty. ^

At first I thought the op was bu.
After her subsequent posts I have changed my mind.
The ex had the choice weather to use contraception, he didn't. The op and ex discussed the possibility of having a child, saying that they decided they would keep the baby.
On finding out the op was pregnant, the ex then dumped her.
He chose another woman over his baby.

Now he wants to play happy families, no doubt to appear as a lovely, kind, father to his new partner. She in turn wants to believe this as otherwise she has made a grave error in judgement.

I would say no, overnight access is not happening.
He has made his bed and all that.
Go with your gut instinct op. Ex can see the baby during daytime. End of.

These posters who say no to overnight access - what about access for a few hours, during the day, where dad is able to take baby out of the OP house, be it for a walk, car ride or to the dads house? How do you feel about that?

Gordylovesheep - I notice you say your ex helped with the 'kids', NOT a four month old baby - and you are judging this woman.
Tttatty - I notice you were charitable enough to hand over your ONE year old to your ex, and our now judging this woman.
Mayorquimby - you have NO children and you are judging this woman.

Yey Gods! This is a 4 month old baby!!! Do those of you who have babies/children remember what a 4 month old is like to look after? Do you remember the feeling of not wanting baby OUT OF YOUR SIGHT at that age??? The FEAR of something terrible happening, of worrying that if any harm came to your new baby your heart would break and life wouldn't even be worth living???? That comes from GIVING BIRTH!! The pain you endured for 24 hours to bring it into the world that bonds you to that baby like NO other creature on earth in those early months??

If you don't remember that then you did NOT have the same experience of motherhood as I, and then we are coming from different places...but I would have given my right leg before my baby to my ex and a stranger. What if the stranger didn't want the inconvenience of my baby in her life...what if she was unstable? Would you not want time to get used to these people and this arrangement...even the father's access?

This poor woman didn't know her partner truly because she didn't know he was capable of cheating. She doesn't know the other woman AT ALL!!! I was barely ready to hand my baby to my own mother who I trusted completely, so I certainly wouldn't have handed her to ANYONE else out of my sight until I had had time to assess the situation, and the people involved.

OP - all my instincts would be screaming like yours are, so I'm sorry to the three above mentioned posters, you can save your 'equality' for a decent man who deserves it. This one didn't want the child initially, and so needs to prove himself over time by showing the mother of his baby he can be trusted with it - hour by hour, and in her company FIRST. I'm sure over the years he will spend plenty of time with the child, but right now is not the time to pressurise the poor woman he has already sent to hell and back. Stick to your guns OP! Xxx

I strongly feel the father should be asking the mother what he can do to be helpful at this exhausting stage, where new mother exhaustion and baby shock is compounded by the mother being dumped and on her own.
If the answer is: please take DS for a long walk or a nice drive then off he goes.
If the answer is: please come over and cuddle DS and give him his bath then over he comes.

This really,really isn't the time to be demanding and insisting and being affronted about rights. It's a time to be gentle, thoughtful and supporting. The time for house visits and over nights will come but it will not come any sooner by bullying and upsetting an exhausted new mother caring for a very small baby after her partner has walked off and set up elsewhere.

Seenenough - Gordy has already said that she handed her 3 children over to her ex, one of whom as 6 months old.

So if you haven't got children then you're not entitled to an opinion?!

The Dad split with the OP at least 10 months ago, it wasn't a couple of weeks ago!

Is no one ever allowed to have doubts about having a baby. I'm sure there are women who have contemplated an abortion but have gone on to have the baby and no one has said they should be punished for this. Why is the man not allowed to have any doubts?!

I think that all sounds very dramatic (24 hours of pain? Not really the norm?) however I feel if the OP is true with herself her reasons for not giving adequate access is bitterness over his new relationship (and has said as much) and, imo, that is not a justifiable reason.

I really don't understand all this taking the baby away from her stuff. I can honestly say it'd be over my dead body. Maybe it's just because I breast feed but I can't imagine feeling any differently if I didn't. I'd be worried that if she was upset that he'd not know how to soothe her. I'd worry that she didn't know him well enough so would feel anxious. I'd just go out of my mind with worry!!

I think the ex should see his son, but I think it should be often and around the mother until the child recognises and feels safe with father. I think the mother should make it easy for him and not discuss anything other than the child so that its not a hostile time for child. The mum needs to put her feelings on the back burner and concentrate solely on her child's well being. When the baby is older and knows him then fine, outings, trips, over nights etc can happen. But surely if people are being honest they wouldn't allow their baby to go off with anyone without them at that stage, when the baby isn't comfortable with that person!

I'm not saying that because the split was months ago she should be completely over it but she has had time to try to come to terms with it and to think about their son having a relationship with his Dad. It's not the exes fault if she was pinning her hopes on them being a family together when he hadn't given any indication after they split that that would happen, (although I can fully understand why the OP would hope he would change his mind)

Tatty, you and I could be from different planets, and yes, both of my labours were longer than 24 hours. But talking of 'not the norm', are you the only mother here willing to hand your baby over so young?

Dreaming - I also think that if you don't have children you couldn't possibly understand how difficult it would be to have to deal with the situation the OP is dealing with, so if I'm honest I wouldn't take the opinion of the (as yet) childless person seriously.

Trucks - I totally agree with you. If there was a 'like' button I would press it.