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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
elizaregina · 29/01/2013 22:20

for me it would be about timing,

I have a 5 year old DD with DH nad a 4month old. Should he tell me tomorow he was leaving me and had shacked up with a OW, of course I would want him to continue to bond with baby - but just " not right now" and certainly not over night.

We discussed this last night and he said there is no way on earth would he be pushing for over night stays at four months! He would be offering support - asking what he could do - as trucks said - and generally taking a back seat, until the situation had calmed down and I had had time to grieve. Thats with the baby - for our other DD with whom he is already very close too - he could see her as and when really with no qualms at all.

I would also be very careful about ealry exposure to a woman who may not be in his life very long. I think new partners should be introduced very gradually. Infact on another thread a lady said she has been thru this and teh access was as I have described I would want it.

AnAirOfHope · 29/01/2013 22:32

I dont think someone without children could know how strong the mother feeling of protection and love for her 4 month old baby is.

I spent one night away from my 14 month old - i was in hospitel and she was home with her Father who slept next to her every night for 8 months and her grandparents - i still.cried because i missed my baby. Im bf still and i have never been away from her in 14 months i could not imagain what it would be like at 4 months :(

gordyslovesheep · 29/01/2013 22:34

Seenenough my baby was 6mths - not a massive difference

FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2013 22:35

I've handed my child over younger than four months and it had no detrimental effect on them, in the long run my emotional health comes second to ensuring my children's wellbeing, and I consider a relationship with a father to be desirable. I do consider visits at four months a little early, and would negotiate a gradual build up of time away until weaning when the baby can go overnight.

One of the hardest things about being a good mum to my kids has been letting go and trusting other people to do the best. However, a dad is a dad, they are capable of caring for a child (barring the breastfeeding) and they have an equal parental right and responsibility to spend time with their child.

The only time I stop contact is when I feel my child's life or well being is threatened. I don't see how just being away from me could be either of these things.

NutellaNutter · 29/01/2013 22:41

No way in a million years. YANBU

FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2013 22:47

I spent my son's second night away from him while I was in hospital and I realised that whilst it hurt me to the core to not have him, he was at home being cared for by the only person who loved him exactly as much as I did.

I was then happy for him to spend time with grandma from one month because of my health meaning I was struggling with the constant lack of sleep. One night to catch up a week, plus another strong bond with someone who loved him almost as much as her own child.

Some people are getting far too emotional about things. Yes it's hard, being a mother in general is hard. Letting them go into childcare is hard. Their father having access is hard. I could throw my hands up in the air about how hard it all is for me, or I could focus on the positives, of which there are many. So I still support a slow but steady increase of time spent with father, building up to nights away.

AnAirOfHope · 29/01/2013 22:48

There is a fine line between protecting the Fathers right (most men are capable of caring for a child) and the moral belife that the prime relationship is with the Mother should be supported.

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 22:53

Gordy - it's a 3rd more of the baby's life so far, so yes - a big difference (and your original post said 7 months so it's almost twice the 4 month old's age). Also, you had older children who knew dad and baby who's voices baby would take comfort from, and who could tell you if dad or OW were not treating baby as she was used to being treated. TOTALLY different situation.

AnAirOfHope · 29/01/2013 22:54

I think at 4 months 3 hours with dad is enough and contact can be in dad's house or at the childs home.

At 6 months if ff then 6 hours

At 1yo a full day and overnight at 2 yo

Its the consistance routine of contact that is important for the child.

millie30 · 29/01/2013 22:58

Gordylovessheep, just because you were willing to hand your baby over for overnights it doesn't mean the OP should be. Every situation is different and the fact that the family courts don't order overnights for babies of that age suggests there is some merit to the OP's concerns. Personally over my dead body would my Ex have had overnights at that age (in fact he still hasn't) but that doesn't mean I would tell you not to do it if you felt that was right for your DC. Why not give the OP the same respect.

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 23:01

Fan - would you have handed your baby to a man you can't trust (most of their time together was based on cheating and lies) and a complete stranger who is probably jealous of the fact that this baby isn't hers with your husband?

Your baby was at your home, being cared for by a husband who loves you, and a grandparent who loves you and baby too...not a man you barely recognise and a total stranger!

gordyslovesheep · 29/01/2013 23:05

Yeh Millie I just 'handed' her over without a care ... didn't cry my eyes out afterwards or anything - but she was with her father - who loves her

again the overnight thing is not the issue - the op wont let the father have contact in his own home period

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 23:06

Gordy - YET. And I don't blame her.

millie30 · 29/01/2013 23:11

I didn't say you did it without a care. But you seem to think that because you did it the OP should too, regardless of the circumstances or her feelings.

elizaregina · 29/01/2013 23:15

isnt it odd the OW is willing to support this also and with her own dc so she knows whats its like.

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 23:20

Very VERY odd...didn't think of that but now you say it...Hmm

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 23:22

Do you think she knows OP would say no so she can tut tut all the while knowing she wouldn't hand her own over so young

gordyslovesheep · 29/01/2013 23:23

no I think the OP should not bring her childs relationship with his dad into her feelings for him and his new partner

I have no idea what YET means in that context btw?
you do realise the op and the dad split up over a year ago? this is not a new seperation

cricketballs · 29/01/2013 23:29

maybe Eliza because she feels like others on here that realise that a father is more than capable of caring for his child: being a mother does not give you ownership and as others have pointed out no harm indeed, I believe that it does more good for developing a bond has come from someone other than mum providing care, e.g. mums who had to return to work

Seenenoughtoknow · 29/01/2013 23:29

I know that Gordy, but the baby is new - that's all I would care about. The 'YET' was because we know she will let her ex have access to the baby at his home when she is comfortable having watched how he is over time with the baby at her house.

Re-read her posts...it's easy to see past the raw emotion and pain (of both getting over a break up AND the birth of her first child) and you see a capable, strong, intelligent woman who will do the right thing in her own time and when she knows it's right for her baby. This story will be so different in two years time.

Fanjounchained · 29/01/2013 23:30

OP, I have no idea how I would cope if I was you. Every situation and everyone is different. Just because another woman can hand her/their child over to her OH and new partner at 4 months and you can't does not make you a bad mother - just human. I certainly couldn't. I would trust my partner, I would not trust a woman I didn't know (irrespective of whether she had been having an affair with my partner or not)

My first born would not settle for anyone but me and didn't sleep through until he was 2 1/2 so if I'd had an ex asking for access and overnight stays I would have been demented.

millie30 · 29/01/2013 23:30

It isn't a new separation, but it IS a new baby! Presumably you had seen your ex be a father to your other children and knew you could trust him. He had also lived with you and the new baby for the first 6 months. The only thing the OP knows about her ex's parenting is that he dumped her when she became pregnant and is now trying to enforce his 'rights'. Of course she isn't going to want to hand her precious baby over to someone she doesn't trust.

Fanjounchained · 29/01/2013 23:33

Sorry that should have read I would trust my ex, not my partner.

cricketballs · 29/01/2013 23:55

millie, he is still the dad so it is also his precious baby

millie30 · 29/01/2013 23:58

Cricketballs yes it is both of their baby. I was posting from the OP's perspective which is why I said 'her.'