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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow my baby son to stay overnight at his father's new 'love nest'?

519 replies

dollyindub · 28/01/2013 13:58

I'll try to keep this brief.

We'd been together for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was unplanned although we had discussed having a baby and were not using contraception.

He finished our relationship when I told him I was pregnant, continued to live with me for the next 6 months (disclaimer: I was heartbroken, hormonal and really thought it was the shock and that he'd get over it once the baby arrived so stupidly allowed this instead of kicking his arse out).

However he moved back to his mum's at the end of the college term (he's a 'mature' student), but attended the birth of our child.

When our baby was 5 weeks old, I found out that he was in a relationship with a fellow college student (she's married with a child)
I was so angry as I'd had previous concerns re their friendship and her inappropriateness and his apparent lack of boundaries.

I'm posting this here, as they have now moved in together - she moved straight out from her place with her husband, straight into a house they are now renting together, and they are both on easy street whilst I struggle as a lone parent.

Our DS is only 4 months old.

I'm trying really hard to maintain dignity (mostly failing!) but my ex is now wanting to see our baby at his place and take him overnight!

The thought of that woman and him playing happy families with my DS makes me feel ill TBH, so I have said he can see him when he likes (when mutually convenient) but only at my place.
Obviously he is unhappy about this.

I am trying to constantly remember that it's my son's relationship with his dad, and not my issues with him that is important, but it's just so damn hard at the moment!

I need some clarity please! Please mums net jury, AIBU?

OP posts:
Seenenoughtoknow · 30/01/2013 00:05

Cricketballs - and if he was sharing the home with the OP he would also be sharing baby's early months, but he chose to have an affair and leave, and now he must support mother and baby, and see his baby part time at his ex's house until she and baby are comfortable enough about him (and his GF - who is a complete stranger to the new mother by the way) having an overnight stay. The OP is not a robot, and the baby is not a doll - these are real people with real feelings who were dumped by the man in this story for the greener grass over the fence. Time will make this situation better for all of them.

millie30 · 30/01/2013 00:08

And cricketballs I would question just how 'precious' the baby actually is to him, given that he dumped its mother upon learning of its future existence.

Seenenoughtoknow · 30/01/2013 00:10

Need a 'like' button for that Millie30

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 08:03

Millie, exactly, he dumped the Mum, not the baby.

And as I've said previously with regards to his attitude in the beginning, is no man allowed to have doubts about being a parent, Is that only the perogative of women. Would you be saying that a woman who contemplated an abortion should have her access to her child restricted?

I completely freaked out when I found out I was pregnant, despite it being planned, to the point where my DH, my Mum and GP asked me if I wanted to continue with the pregnancy. Does that mean I wasn't devestated when I had a miscarriage, because I had a major wobble at the beginning?

He split with the OP nearly a year ago for heaven's sake, he was present at the birth, no doubt loves the baby just as much as the OP does, has, it appears, been visiting the baby for the last 4 months trying to be a Father to it but still the OP will not let him have the baby for ANY time at his house. Won't let him try to get the baby used to being around him without Mum's presence. She hasn't said that the baby doesn't settle for Dad or that he's rubbish with him, in which case i'm sure most would have agreed that he should have his contact supervised. She hasn't said that but has said that the thought of them with the baby makes her feel sick. This isn't about the baby it's about her feelings!

Yes, it's difficult for the OP, but you know what we often have to do things that our difficult for those we love. She should allow decent contact now, and I don't necessarily mean overnight right now, rather than blocking it because it's hard for HER, rather than it not being right for the baby.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 08:07

That would be prerogative.

elizaregina · 30/01/2013 09:38

I wonder how the OW would feel letting her son go with ops ex to ops to meet baby and bond - without her.....

JenaiMorris · 30/01/2013 10:13

I really wouldn't set much store in the fact that he happened to be at the birth. The OP had to plead with him to come. It means nothing.

If he gave a flying fuck about anyone but himself, he wouldn't be putting pressure on the Op to allow overnighters at this early stage.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 10:28

If he gave a flying fuck about anyone but himself, he wouldn't be putting pressure on the Op to allow overnighters at this early stage.

That's a bit harsh Jenai, suggesting he doesn't give a fuck about his baby! It's so easy to say that someone doesn't give a fuck - if the OP gave a flying fuck about anyone but herself then she would be trying to put her own feelings to one side, these feelings which she has admitted are the reason she doesn't want him to spend time alone with the baby, and try to reach some sort of compromise by letting baby and Dad get to know each other properly at Dad's house. See, that's not a very pleasant thing to say about someone, is it? The compromise would be no overnighters yet but you can take the baby for a few hours during the day.

And OP, I'm not suggesting you don't give a damn about your baby, just trying to point out what a rather unpleasant thing it was to say about your ex.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 10:29

Eliza, I don't really see what on earth that has to do with anything. The OW's son is not the Ex's son.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 10:39

Can I just say that I'm not suggesting that the ex dumping the OP wasn't a shit thing to do when she has just found out she is pregnant but there never would have been a good time to do it, would there? The reality is, this happened nearly 12 months ago and the OP has had enough time to try to get used to the fact that they are no longer together, that her ex has just as much right as she does to try to build a close bond with their baby and that there is likely to be a new partner in the equation.

I'm not suggesting she should have just snapped out of it and shouldn't still be finding it difficult, but if she is still feeling so much anger and bitterness 12 months down the line, and allowing these feelings to get in the way of her son's and ex's relationship, then she may need to seek some support for her feelings as they are what is causing the problem, as she readily admits in her original post.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 30/01/2013 10:58

Dreaming, I think you're forgetting what it's like to be exhausted and in sole charge of a newborn. A baby your partner dumped you because of when he found out about the pregnancy.A pregnancy you were bullied and lied to and cheated on throughout. Culminating on having to move out 8mo pregnant. And have to beg for him to attend the birth.

And him moving in with another woman happened only weeks ago.

Infidelity, lying, cruelty and coldness, the unexpected shock of a first pregnancy at 44, the birth and babyshock, the total life change, all whilst alone.

It is totally normal and unreasonable for the op to be shocked, angry, raw and grieving. Give her a fucking break all you posters scolding her to move on in months and have a bit of empathy and kindness.

JenaiMorris · 30/01/2013 11:14

I stand by my claim that the ex is a selfish prick.

He might grow out of it (lots do) but he needs to realise that for now and given the circumstances, his time with his baby is on the mother's terms.

VinegarTits · 30/01/2013 11:17

fgs the man isnt a criminal, he hasnt killed anybody or commited any crimes, sure hes acted like a cock, but punishing him is childish and immature

my sons father ran for the hills when i told him i was pg, said he wanted me to have an abortion and he didnt want to be a parent, i didnt hear from him again until our ds was 3 months old, when he ask if he could meet our son, i then did everything in my power to let him build a relationship, including overnight stays, why? because i am an adult, because i wanted what was best for my son, because my son deserves two parents even if one has behaved badly, punishing him would have acheived nothing and would not have made me feel any better or less resenful, my feelings towards him were irrelevent, what mattered was my boy and the sooner they bonded the better for everyone

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 30/01/2013 11:20

Hurrah for you VT.

This isn't about you though, is it?

VinegarTits · 30/01/2013 11:26

No its not about me trucks, its about what is best for this child, the fact that he wants to build a relationship with his son speaks volumes, he deserves a chance regardless of what you think, and thats how the courts would see it

besides we have only heard one side of this story, a bitter and resentful one at that

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 11:37

Trucks - This man is willing to take on some of the strain of looking after the baby but the OP won't let him. If she would let him take the baby to his house for a few hours she could have a few hours to herself to have a bath, relax, catch up on some sleep. Not having her ex spend time at the house where they previously lived together would probably be a good thing for her! How does having him there playing happy families help her move on.

They had split up from very early in her pregnancy so I don't think she was cheated on during it, no. I'm not saying it wasn't horrible for her to know he had moved on so quickly. How was she bullied during her pregnancy, I may have missed something as I don't recall her saying anything to suggest that she was?

Having empathy for the OP doesn't just mean blindly agreeing with her you know! Nearly all posters have said that they understand why she feels the way she does. Some just happen to think that she needs to separate her feelings towards him as a partner from her feelings towards him as the child's Father.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 11:41

Trucks, lots of people have detailed their personal experiences, including some who who have said 'my baby had nothing to do with their Dad for the first 12 months and is perfectly fine, so babies don't need any contact with their Dads.'

You didn't pull them on their posts, because you agreed with their general opinion that the OP was fine to continue doing what she doing, so don't then be having a go at VT for detailing her experiences, just because her opinion disagrees with yours.

VinegarTits · 30/01/2013 11:45

and just because this isnt about me doesnt mean i cant share my story (as many others have) i probably fit into the op's shoes better than most, im speaking from having gone through a similar experience, so kindly keep your 'hurrah for you VT' to yourself thanks

VinegarTits · 30/01/2013 11:47

oops x-posts dreaming Grin thanks

KC225 · 30/01/2013 11:50

Are Dreamingofthemaldives and Vinegartits the same person?

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 11:52

Because we happen to have a similar opinion?! Erm, no KC225. Strange.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 30/01/2013 11:54

Se has not said she will deny access.
She has queried whether it is reasonable for her ex to expect to take the baby overnight at 4 months. Especially to a house where he has just moved in with a woman the OP does not know, a woman who recently walked out on her own husband and has a small child there whom she does not know either.

No court would order such a thing because it is U. Your experience letting your ex and his mum have overnight contact, VT, is not relevant here. You chose to do that and the OP does not want to do that and it is not reasonable to ask her, not now.

To ask so is not necessary at this age and would greatly upset the mother and probably the baby.
So her ex is BU to ask for it or worse, demand it.

It's not just about being a father - it's about being a GOOD PARENT and that means parenting together and not being cruel or unreasonable to the child's mother who looks after the child full time.

A good parent would not have to be begged to attend the birth, would not insist on something that is unnecessary and cruel to the mother and which would upset the carer of his baby.

This father needs to learn how to parent, to win his child's mother's trust and to learn to out his wants before the baby's needs. He should be thinking of how to make this work long term and listening to the mother who says - entirely reasonably - that this is too much too soon but is willing to work at it and wants her son to have a good relationship with his father.

VinegarTits · 30/01/2013 11:59

i dont think so KC225, there is only one of me [unique] been on MN for too many years, lots will vouch for that

besides im sure dreaming is way more beautiful than me

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 30/01/2013 12:00

The idea that the OP would be relaxing and having a bath whilst her baby is away at 4 mo is pretty laughable; she does not trust the father yet nor know the woman and her child who would also be in the house.

In months to come she might feel happy and relaxed but she ain't there yet and not unreasonably so. People should stop projecting and read the OP posts.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 30/01/2013 12:04

and to learn to put his wants before the baby's needs.

Ditto, the Mother.

But she isn't even willing for him to have the baby at his house for any period of time and that is unreasonable. I agree that not allowing overnighters just yet may not be unreasonable but to refuse to allow him to take THEIR baby to his house really is unreasonable.

This he needs to learn to parent nonsense - how did the Mother learn to be a parent? Oh yes, by actually being allowed the opportunity to do just that. Why can Father's not do exactly that. He has spent time with the baby for the last 4 months, presumably doing parenting things, so one would assume that he now knows how to change a nappy, feed the baby, give it a cuddle when it's crying. What more does it need at the moment? Now the Dad understandably wants to move things on a bit. He didn't ask for unsupervised contact the second the baby popped out! He has been doing it her way for the last 4 months.