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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use dd's birthday gift cards on myself?

302 replies

Lira · 26/01/2013 20:58

DD (5) recently had a birthday and a giant party. She got a loads of presents from family (grandparents always spoil her rotten), and ended up with either presents/money/giftcards from her school friends that came to her party.

She doesn't need a single thing. She's got clothes for the next year, and a stack of vouchers from Christmas to get her new clothes and shoes when she eventually does need them. She doesn't need any new toys/books etc either.

My house is swimming in toys that haven't even been opened since her party 3 weeks ago.

My Hoover died today. So i was thinking of using 3 of the Argos vouchers she got (£30 worth) to help buy a new one. They expire by December anyway, and i can't see her needing anything from Argos before then.

I couldn't bring myself to touch her birthday money, however, as that can always be saved.

My friend reckons i should just 'borrow' the cards and pay dd the £30 back when i can.

But i honestly don't think she'll miss them and shouldn't feel obliged to 'owe' dd back in too much of a hurry.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
skrumle · 27/01/2013 23:44

i don't see a massive difference between this, and the re-gifting filter that i do any time my children have a big party. i always identify a handful of presents that they don't need and put them away to be used for future party presents.

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2013 23:48

Yeah, regifting gift cards to yourself!

Very different to taking duplicate toys away.

And if you do the latter, you should still reimburse!

LibraryMum8 · 27/01/2013 23:50

I would pay her back in $. It would very much bother me to take from ds and not replace. When my mother died we inherited a substantial amount of $. Part of it we put away for ds University.

When we bought our last house we borrowed 20k from that $, we are paying him a certain amount for 13 years to pay him back!!

LibraryMum8 · 27/01/2013 23:51

No not everyone does that!!!

BegoniaBampot · 27/01/2013 23:52

Most parents do reimburse though in one way or another. I get money and gift cards as presents that usually go on the kids or at least the family rather than just myself.

LibraryMum8 · 27/01/2013 23:59

I too spend $ that was given to me on ds, all the time. To me it's not the same at all.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 00:00

If you choose to spend your gift card/ money on your child you are making a choice to do it,that's totally your decision to make.

Taking that choice away ( or applying pressure to obtain that decision) from somebody else is wrong.

Saying you support your child financially on a day to day basis to justify taking there money is not a real justification because you have a legal obligation to support your child.

DamnBamboo · 28/01/2013 00:02

Yes begonia and that is your choice!

No choice for the kids here though is there? Maybe they just don't want to likely and why should they have to?

BegoniaBampot · 28/01/2013 00:17

If I lived nearer family then what would happen is that the family would ask me what the kids might like or need, the kids wouldn't really get a choice there anyway as the family or myself don't really want them spending 50 quid in the local pound shop buying plastic tat or sweets. Even if they got money or gift cards, I have some say in to how they spend it or do folk here who say have 200 quid in their kids account or drawer just hand it to their 5 yr old and let them loose in ToysRus. My kids have more then enough, if there is expensive things they ask for or need through the year then I can buy them the stuff and say that it comes from their present money etc so that they don't think mum and dad will just supply anything they ask for. I might have already used the actual cash but they still usually get way more than what they get in present money or gift cards through the year.

but you let your 5 or 3 yr old spend 50 or a 100 quid or whatever on anything they want .

BegoniaBampot · 28/01/2013 00:20

And if someone was really struggling and needs money for something the family will benefit from, then I can't really blame them for using it for something like a new Hoover or god forbid clothes or food.

TheDetective · 28/01/2013 00:27

Bloody hell some posters are so fucking sanctimonious, I'm cringing reading your holier than thou posts.

OP, YANBU. Your daughter has everything she needs AND wants. You need a hoover, for the sake of your family. It's a no brainer. Getting in debt would be ridiculous.

For what it is worth, my son has never ever wanted anything. Mostly because I buy him everything I think he would want at birthdays and christmas. He sometimes gets vouchers or money for his birthday. We have never been 'well off', and while not in poverty, we live month to month, never had savings, and sometimes, just sometimes, I have used the money to feed us, or pay for his new school shoes, or whatever.

I'd fucking LOVE to be in a position where this never happened, but you know what, this is the real world, and its a bitch. And you do what you have to.

Now my son is 10, he still asks for nothing. He never has done. If I said to him, can we use this money for food, he would say yes. No questions.

In fact, this year has been the first time I gave him free reign with his own money (we can't afford to give him regular pocket money). You know what he bought? A bone for the dog for Christmas.

That gave him more pleasure than buying plastic tat, or shit loads of sweets and chocolate.

And the dog was kept busy for a week Grin.

Oh, and it would be theft if he earned the money in my opinion. Or if the money was put in a Trust fund for him. But a tenner in a birthday card, it isn't in the same league really is it?

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 00:30

If your struggling borrow it then pay it back.

Offering guidance on spending saving ect is perfectly normal expecting a 5 yo to buy you a Hoover or iron with no intention of returning the money is not.

Paying for activities ect for there own enjoyment is not the same as them buying you a household appliance.

BegoniaBampot · 28/01/2013 00:37

But what if the family really needs that household appliance (hoover, cooker, washing machine etc) way more than the 5 yr old need to spend a fair amount of money on whatever they like (plastic tat) whether they will ever be in a position to pay the money back or not. I imagine most parents will spend any extra money they have on their kids or would always put their kids needs first where possible.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 00:44

Then you use the gift card and pay it back.

One would think most parents would but clearly not the parents who expect there children to pay household expenses

BegoniaBampot · 28/01/2013 00:53

So you are saying the OP is a shit, abusive parent who steals from her child. Nice!

TheDetective · 28/01/2013 00:53

I have a few grips to lend out. Anyone care for one?

Go the fuck to sleep people, and stop going on about what other families have to do just to fecking survive sometimes.

TheDetective · 28/01/2013 00:56

Actually, I do expect my child to contribute to household expenses. If he breaks something, he does jobs to pay for it.

When he is older, and has a job, he will be expected to pay a proportion of his wage for living expenses.

AmberSocks · 28/01/2013 00:57

I wouldn't use them for a hoover,but i wouldn't say you were worlds worst mother for doing so.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 01:03

No I'm saying that if she takes it with no intention to return it then she's stolen it.

But given that the op has since said she would return it then she isant.

In all fairness tho I am coming from the angle of having a teenager who has recently had several hundred pounds and a playstation 3 stolen off him (by his dad who has no intention to return it ever is not skint and thinks its perfectly acceptable behaviour) and who now refuses to have anything to do with dad,not just because of that but its contributed. Soi am a little biased.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/01/2013 01:06

Detective, do you expect him to contribute towards stuff he didn't break or stuff that you should be funding out of his birthday/ Christmas gifts when he is not old enough to have a job?

MrsDeVere · 28/01/2013 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDetective · 28/01/2013 01:17

If we haven't got enough money, and the only way is by using money from birthday or christmas, then yes.

I'd rather not let us all starve or do without essentials, just so he could have a plastic piece of crap.

He has everything he wants and needs. But sometimes you can't account for the car breaking down or the boiler packing in which takes all your spare funds for the month. So then you don't have enough money to get by without getting in to debt with something that is going to cost you interest, and thus more in the long run. Vicious cycle.

If your parents were in this situation, when you were a kid, were you really so selfish that you would have demanded the money, and seen the rest of the family suffer? I would not.

Unless your child is going to suffer from not having the money, then really, where is the problem?

If my child said 'Mum, do you remember that money I got off Auntie X, can I get this toy with it', the answer would be, yes, of course you can. But I've got the kind of child who doesn't ask, he doesn't even make a bloody birthday wish list! Maybe I'm just lucky. Or maybe I make sure he has plenty of toys etc, and then I don't feel guilty if we need to use that tenner to put in the car as petrol 2 days before pay day or whatever.

PolkadotCircus · 28/01/2013 07:39

Exactly Thedetective

Yes. I re gift party toys too- so shoot me now.It is exactly the same.

If we're going to play exactly by the rules I would only ever spend £50 on bday and Christmas presents,stop piano,swimming,football,cubs,brownies and tap lessons,not have bday parties,buy my kids clothes from charity shops,not have trips out,stop comic subscriptions,not spend the money my parents have just given me to spend on me for a change on a piano etc etc

That way I may have plenty of spare cash to spend come Christmas,not have to be walking around in the 1 pair of scruffy boots with a hole in I've had the past god knows years and have plenty left over for an iron.They could have their god damn Argos voucher to spend on tat they don't need.

Somehow I don't think my kids would like that.

My kids do very well,every last penny is spent on them,financially they receive above and beyond what I regift in the odd party present and voucher.

AmberSocks · 28/01/2013 09:03

detective i dont buy it.

As a parent you should be responsible enough to be putting money away for things like the car breaking or the boiler packing it in,even if you can only afford to put back a tiny bit every week,its your job to pay for things like that not your sons!

And im not saying that in times of desperation its wrong to take his money for these things,im just saying its irresponsible of you to have to do it.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 28/01/2013 09:45

Get the Hoover already!

It sounds like she has an insane amounts of presents already, plus the party was a present from your parents, right?

You're saving her from being spoiled Grin

Who are these relatives who are giving £50 and £100 gift cards to DCs anyway? Envy The most mine get is a fiver inside their card...

[MrsDV - all gift cards expire AFAIK, you have to be careful cause it is often tucked in v small print or on the paper receipt or something]