Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

149 replies

Empross76 · 26/01/2013 18:12

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 26/01/2013 18:19

I don't think there is a compromise in a situation like this. And sadly for you, you really shouldn't have a child unless both of you want to.

I have two, and at times I think I'd like another. But DH really wouldn't want to, so that's the end of that. It's easier now that my dc are older and I'm not surrounded by babies, and my house no longer has baby things in it. We fill our lives with things that would be impossible to do, or at least impossible to enjoy to the fullest, with a baby. You aren't at that stage yet because your littlest is still only two, but it will happen, and then hopefully you will find it easier.

nefertarii · 26/01/2013 18:21

There is no compromise. You either have one or you don't. One of you will have to accept the others decision.

I have known this be a problem for a few couples. Including ours. In our case, I actually came round on my own and decided 2 was enough. A third would have effected us and I am happy now.

the choice you have is to accept his decision, accept his decision for now and discuss it again in year or two. Or if you can accept it, you need to decide if you would rather have your marriage or leave and find someone who does.

These options are bases on the assumption he definitely won't change his mind right now.

meadow2 · 26/01/2013 18:21

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2013 18:21

There isn't a compromise if you're going to stay together.

I'm afraid the parent who doesn't want more kids trumps the one who does.

If you've been broody since your DS was actually born, would you not still be broody if a 3rd DC was born anyway?

HecateWhoopass · 26/01/2013 18:21

Sadly, this is one of those rare situations where there just isn't a compromise, and it's so painful.

Either one of you doesn't have the baby they want, or the other has a baby they don't want.

It's horrible for the person who really wants a child (I've been broody to the point of sobbing when I saw babies Blush, so I know how it feels) But you have to think of the child - Is it worse for a child to not be born, or to be born to a parent that didn't really want them?

you can't make your husband have a child he doesn't want - and it would be unfair to try.

But you can say that you are not willing to forget about having another child and so regretfully that means more to you than having it with him.

I always wanted 3 children. But circumstances which I won't bore you with meant we stopped at two.

It hurts. Even though in our case we both felt it was the right thing.

But I still feel someone is missing. Someone isn't here who was supposed to be. iyswim.

It's a crappy situation for you to be in.

Do you forget about another child and either find a way to make peace with that, or resent your husband forever, do you talk to your husband and make it very clear exactly how much this matters to you in the hope that he will change his mind (without making it 'have another baby or I'm leaving') or do you leave in the hope that you find someone who you want to have a child with?

BooksandaCuppa · 26/01/2013 18:25

I also think the person who wants fewer children trumps the other. Unless it's one versus none and then you should probably split up.

Sorry; there isn't a good compromise, is there?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 26/01/2013 18:26

We had three and I would have had another. DH said he would like to stop so we stopped. Unless you both want more I don't think you can do much about it.

FWIW I never regretted not having more.

Stropzilla · 26/01/2013 18:32

There isn't one. Is there a chance you will be able to live with not having another?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/01/2013 18:33

There is no compromise.

You don't have another baby.

notactuallyme · 26/01/2013 18:38

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board.

meadows that's a really idealistic view. An abstract baby is nothing like the reality - what if you agree two, and then can't face pregnancy ever again? Does your dp get to force you through it as you did agree initially?

Original poster
Empross76 · 26/01/2013 18:38

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling his way. I would never want to break up the family over this or guilt my husband into having more.
Worra - not sure if I would want to stop at three either! But I think I'd feel more like my family is complete.
Hecate - I feel exactly how you described - sobbing at newborns! Also been imagining names and looks for our non-existent third baby!

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 26/01/2013 18:40

Yup.

I sometimes dream that I had another baby and I wake up SO happy and then I realise it was just a dream and I feel so upset Blush

JKSLtd · 26/01/2013 18:48

Yes the agreeing at the start thing doesn't exactly work, as RL gets in the way and you actually start having DC and realising what's involved.

I always, always wanted 4, anyone who asked I was going to have 4.
I've 3 (so far!) and physically/emotionally/in my heart I want 1 more.
But practically/in my logical head I know it's best to stop now.

DH wants to stop, he always knew I wanted 4.
If I said no more, he would breathe a massive sigh of relief.

He knows I still, mostly, want number 4. It's not exactly that we don't talk about it at all, but I don't bring it up.

But it's on my mind constantly. EG moving the boys into bunkbeds means I can move DD out of the cot.
Do we get rid or keep?
She grows out of clothes, do I store or give away?
She grows out of a phase, do I mentally log it as the 'last time' that is going to happen or think, we've got one more time doing that/getting through that/enjoying that.

I cannot imagine not getting pg one more time/being pg/bf-ing.
But ....

Sorry, there is no compromise. One of you has to change their mind/accept the situation.

VacantExpression · 26/01/2013 18:49

I have three beautiful children. My youngest DC is nearly 3- my heart aches for another. I am jealous of friends with babies, i dream about being pregnant, its horrible.

It would be impractical, we cant afford it, a lot of the time i am not sure i could cope with another... but i still long for it Blush. Not evewn a discussion point for dh, i respect his decision obviously and will have to learn to live with it and be grateful, for all i have, for I am a very lucky girl to have my 3.

PeggyCarter · 26/01/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerylStrop · 26/01/2013 19:08

How old are you? By which I mean, indelicately, have you got time on your side?

Because, you may just find by the time your youngest is 5 that the longing has subsided as you move out of "baby" mode and, as clouds and trees says, you can do all sorts of other stuff. Conversely, your DH might be more inclined to have another child with more of a break.

Has he voiced particular reasons for not wanting another child?

Viviennemary · 26/01/2013 19:14

I also think that there is no compromise. I did want a third but my DH didn't. There was no changing his mind though he wouldn't have left or anything but he just thought we had enough to cope with having two.

Original poster
Empross76 · 26/01/2013 19:17

JKS - I have all the baby stuff for my DD and DS and can't bring myself to get rid of any if it. I cry when I put away too-small clothes at the thought that there won't be another baby to wear them!
Get a grip!!!!!
MerylStrop - great name, btw - I'm 36 so don't feel I have a great deal of time. Feel like it's got to be now.

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 26/01/2013 19:20

That was my sito exactly.

Ive now got my own way by being a manipulative, pursuasive bitch.

I would resent him forever if he put his foot down at 2, when we have the time, space and money for more.

Ive never met a family regretting having the third/fourth. You just dont wish that little person never existed.

Im pissed, but in your shoes, Id have an accident work on him.

CoteDAzur · 26/01/2013 19:20

You can't have half a baby, so there can be no compromise.

Your husband gets his wish, I'm afraid. You can't force a baby on someone who doesn't want one.

specialsubject · 26/01/2013 19:24

the suggestion of 'having an accident' is not excusable even for a drunk.

all babies should be wanted by both parents. One parent doesn't want this one - so it doesn't happen.

you could always foster or work with babies.

Original poster
Empross76 · 26/01/2013 19:26

Meryl - DH reasons - mainly he just doesn't want any more, two is enough. We have space (kids have a bedroom each and we have a spare room), we both work and do alright although we budget tightly and don't have any spare for savings. He mentions both space and money as reasons although he knows it would make life less comfortable and not impossible. He also cites that we would need a new car, holidays would be more expensive, needing to pay for more childcare, etc.
He thinks we would struggle to cope with three and be likely to get less help from our parents with babysitting.
Also, he doesn't enjoy the baby phase and sees it as a means to an end and something to endure.
He would also say we're too tired!
But, as I said, most of all - he just does my want more anyway. Even if all the above reasons didn't exist he still wouldn't want more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Empross76 · 26/01/2013 19:28

Monkeyface - I've said that lots of times - that I'll always regret not having more but that he'd never regret having more once another child is here to love.
We do make great babies, too, if I do say so myself!!!Wink

OP posts:
intravenouscoffee · 26/01/2013 19:28

I always wanted 2. Until DS was a year old and since then I've been longing for another. DH is absolutely certain he doesn't want more so I am finding ways to deal with that.

Meadow I don't know may people who agreed exactly how many children they would have before having any at all. I think having a rough idea of 'we'd like a big family' or 'I was an only child and would like my DC to have a sibling' is quite common but not really more detail than that.

It's hard. Somedays I feel very sad about it but I'm hoping that it'll get easier as the kids grow up. Basically I can echo everything Hecate said. I don't think there's a compromise though and believe me, I've tried to find one!

Joiningthegang · 26/01/2013 19:29

Then he should be responsibly for contaception - i know someone eho was adament he only wanted obe and had the snip as soon as the baby was born. His wife was clear of his view and never got her hopes up about abother one - worked for them