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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

149 replies

Empross76 · 26/01/2013 18:12

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/01/2013 19:31

His reasons are all very valid. Cost of children goes up as they grow, too, activities, clothing, driving lessons, all kinds of things like this.

But there's no compromise on this, as stated.

StuntGirl · 26/01/2013 19:32

Manipulating your way to a baby your partner doesn't want is an incredibly shitty thing to do. I hope you don't take monkey's 'advice' Hmm

Sadly OP there is no compromise, and I agree that the one who doesn't want the baby gets the final say. The question is do you want the baby or your marriage more?

pixi2 · 26/01/2013 19:32

There is no compromise. It's the one thing we don't agree on. I am throwing myself into 2dcs and spoiling them with the money we would have spent on a third with music lessons, sports activities and trips. My house is my project at the moment which is keeping me busy and occupied too. Then I guess I'll find a hobby when the dc don't need me as much.

MerylStrop · 26/01/2013 19:33

Does he realise the strength of your feelings?

I wonder if he thinks you are just saying it, and so he hasn't really, really considered, thought, talked about it.

At 36, though you can never count on it of course, you probably have a got a couple of year's grace.

FWIW my youngest is now 2.5 and have always wanted just one more, but my head knows it would do us in....I'm coming to terms with it now.

monkeyfacegrace · 26/01/2013 19:36

Ah fuck off, of course its excusable.

He can always wrap it if he wants to be extra careful.

Foster babies? Jeez, imagine doing that with an unsupportive partner. What a silly suggestion. She doesnt want to foster a baby for a bit, she wants another child.

Imagie gettung to 40/45 and the chance has gone. Can you live the rest of your life knowing that you cannot have any more?

Sod that. Im a SAHM, Im good at being a mum. Is what I do. All DH has to do.is provide the spunk Grin

expatinscotland · 26/01/2013 19:37

Yes, instead of talking about it like mature adults.

richpersoninapoorpersonsbody · 26/01/2013 19:40

Monkey you sound like a lovely partner Hmm

toddlerama · 26/01/2013 19:41

I was in this position exactly. DH and I came to the agreement that whilst we were not currently trying for another, it was not allowed to become something I couldn't bring up without pissing him off. He had to be open to me talking about it, discussing a third etc. or I would resent him for just shutting me off. What actually happened was that when I got rid of all the baby tat he decided another one would be quite nice, and now we have a 9month old DS. But he got a vasectomy immediately afterwards! I think he was scared that he would soften again once there was no baby in the house, and he definitely didn't want 4. I would have loved 4, but had huge difficulties with pregnancy and birth and was told repeatedly that I should be sterilised at DS's birth Hmm . I wouldn't, so he did.

I think the thing to prevent it becoming resentful is to keep it on the table even if it's not what he wants now, whilst knowing it may never happen. It isn't ok to have things you can't talk about with your partner - that does breed resentment.

monkeyfacegrace · 26/01/2013 19:42

Im an awesome wife thanks. He laughs at me as he knows he will give in.

Sorry but I know how it feels to be in this situation, and I could not settle with just two children. A third child just slips in with the family. Its not like going from 0 to 1.

foreverondiet · 26/01/2013 19:43

Don't agree that the one who wants less children should compromise - in some ways i think it shiuld be the other way around.... I was happy with two DH wanted three and now am happy with third... DH recently said he wanted another Shock but this time my feelings of not wanting 4th much stronger than his feelings of wanting although if he really really wanted i'd probably agree...Tell him how you feel and if he won't agree then I suppose you either have to leave him or accept it.

holidaysdistantmemory · 26/01/2013 19:43

I spent ages looking at these type of posts a few months ago, and felt equally resentful. I have 2 dcs and desperately wanted a third, dh resolutely did not.

I am now pregnant with TWINS!!! Dh is pretending its not happening... Be careful what you wish for, you could end up with FOUR CHILDREN

cantspel · 26/01/2013 19:43

Do you want another child? Or do you just miss the baby stage and want to do it again.

meadow2 · 26/01/2013 19:48

Intraveneouscoffee- Really? Most of the friends I have I know pre dcs knew how many they were going for.

Bunbaker · 26/01/2013 19:49

"Ive never met a family regretting having the third/fourth"

I have. They split up when the youngest was a year old.

StuntGirl · 26/01/2013 19:50

If your husband is actually not that bothered about the number of kids despite what he says and is easy to persuade one way or the other that's one thing, but to 'manipulate' him into having another child he really doesn't want is an incredibly shitty, selfish action and does not make you an awesome wife.

Boomerwang · 26/01/2013 19:51

I keep saying I want another child, but my boyfriend wants to wait a while. Hours after saying it, I'll change my mind, decide that we should lavish everything on one child. Then I'll worry about my kid being lonely and suddenly I want to get pregnant again. Then I worry about feeling sick and fatigued whilst looking after a 10 month old. Then I get visions of them playing together...

argh!

I think you need to be with your partner on this one. I apologise if this sounds really crass and insensitive, but isn't there something else you can fix your thoughts on? How about a new pet to love and nourish? Or perhaps volunteering in a caring capacity? Obviously you'd have to talk this through with your OH too...

Original poster
Empross76 · 26/01/2013 19:51

Cantspel - a bit of both really, I didn't) really enjoy the baby period with my first but loved it with my second. I love the idea of lots of siblings for my children.
Thanks again for all the posts - means a lot you taking the time and to know that I'm not the only one to have felt/be feeling this way.

OP posts:
JKSLtd · 26/01/2013 19:51

At the moment we're keeping everything that DD grows out of and storing it in the loft.

I looked at the pile the other day putting Christmas decs away and thought, if I could make that decision, we could get rid of it all....
It's still there, and the cot will be kept too when I finally put DD in a bed, just in case.

I'm hoping time will sort it, either way:
A) as we move on with the 3 DC, I'll realise that I don't want to go back to the baby stage and do it all again (bizarrely things like Sing & Sign/playgroups/etc that I've done with all 3 really put me off a 4th!)
or
B) as they all grow and become less dependent he'll realise that one more wouldn't be so bad.

Sitting on the fence big time I know Grin

We have a big car already, we don't go on big holidays already (though maybe that would change as DD grows, and DS2 (who has SN) gets better at new things/places), we have the clothes/toys/stuff for a baby, very little would have to be bought. We don't have a spare room (we do at the mo but the boys share, if they wanted their own room then we wouldn't have a spare for the 4th for each to have their own room) but always talked about converting the loft.
We don't get much help from family as it is anyway, though PIL have looked after 3 for us, would they manage 4? and being older by then too?

I wish that I felt finished. I wish I wanted 3, had 3, and was now done. I would be getting rid of so much crap stuff and moving on with joy :)

monkeyfacegrace · 26/01/2013 19:52

Bun, bet mum doesnt regret child. How could you? Id sacrifice my DH for my children, and he knows it.

Im a good wife, but my children rely on me to fend for them, provide for them, love them. Nobody will come in between me and my children. Nobody.

ClartyCarol · 26/01/2013 19:54

I think there are plenty of people who regret having a third child, just they only tend to discuss in the safety of somewhere anonymous like this.

You both have to be on board, believe me. Having our dc3 has put an incredible strain on our relationship and relations with our children. The potential for bickering and strife is incredible and I have days where I could bang my head if the wall, and it's not like we can even split them up and say - DH you go somewhere with DC1 and I'll go somewhere else with DC2 so they get individual attention...you've still got another little bod to take into account.

And OP, your DH is right: people are definitely not so keen to babysit three, and the cost of all their activities racks up alarmingly.

We love our dc3 beyond words obviously, but I can see how our life would've been do much easier with only two.

MumVsKids · 26/01/2013 19:55

After dd2 was born, I was booked to be sterilised but as the op grew close we both felt it was too final, even though we didn't want another DC.

After much deliberation, I had a Mirena coil fitted - this was a good option for us both.

Except it didn't work. DC3 arrived 9mths ago when dd2 was 2.8 years.

DH was worried we wouldn't cope etc, but the truth is, it's brilliant and we would never be without our ds or our DDs.

To this end, I am still broody, but not sure i want a dc4. DH definitely does not want dc4 - and we now use copper coil and pill - but we both accept that we are super fertile, and if its meant to be, dc4 will happen.

I know this doesn't help you much, but there's only so much talking you can do. One of you has to compromise, and the tough bit is not letting any resentment in after the compromise.

Good luck op :)

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 26/01/2013 19:55

Is there really anyone who decides how many children they want at the start of a relationship?

My DH and I didn't talk about having children at all. We just wanted to be together.

Original poster
Empross76 · 26/01/2013 19:55

JKS - our loft is rammed, too! If we got rid of it all on eBay or car boot sales we could have a lovely holiday on the proceeds.
But can't bring myself to let it go!
DH is getting better at understanding how much the thought of no more kids upsets me so I am able to talk about it and have a cry and a cwtch. It's all quite open so I'm hoping it won't turn into simmering resentment or anything destructive. Hoping it will just fade in time.

OP posts:
ClartyCarol · 26/01/2013 19:56

Gah, a few typos but hope you get the gist.

expatinscotland · 26/01/2013 19:56

I know several who regret no. 3 or 4. It's a major taboo, however.